METAL DOG VS. THE CONE

By: T. D. Terrible`

          I awoke to the familiar sound of a distant lawn mower. There were other sounds around me, but I could only focus on the mower. It reminded me of home. My head felt fuzzy, and my brain seemed to be sloshing around in my head. I had a bright, but dull, pain emanating from my stomach, and I was absolutely nauseous. Not to mention, I couldn’t move my extremities due to the fact that I was strapped down. I think it was a Tuesday, but who cares anyway?

          My name is Sunshine, but most people just call me Metal Dog. Peculiar, I know. My bright demeanor earned me my original name, but my love for heavy music has led to my most well known moniker. I am true metal. Loud, aggressive and the faster the better, that’s how I like everything. Everything but those happy little Wild Guys, that is. The Wild Guys are those incessant pests that have decided to inhabit within my town. Fred the Bunny is their leader, and he thinks that he is the coolest dude ever created. I believe him to be the Spawn of Satan. But I digress. What was that I was talking about again?

          OW! Man, that whatever it is on my tummy still stings. I know, I know. I’m too metal to be saying the word tummy, but I am still a girl after all. As I was saying, I woke up strapped to a metal table listening to a lawn mower. I couldn’t remember right away how I got there, but soon two wacky Wild Guys with long white coats came in to the room where I was and pointed and laughed at me. I was beginning to get a little angry, and then the lights went out. When I awoke again some time later, I began to remember.

          Friday night I decided to take a run around Frisbee Park. I had grilled a few dogs and had some ice water while watching the “History of Metal” for the eight-thousandth time on cable, and figured that I’d get some fresh air and work some of those dogs off. (I know that I should’ve stopped at six, but ten seemed a better number.) Any way, I was walking through the park, and there was Fred the Bunny posted up against a tree. He was trying to look all cute and fuzzy, but the evil that lies within him made his features look twisted in the moonlight. He let out a foul remark and pointed directly at me. I snapped.

          I took off running full speed straight toward him. I was within inches of him, and could smell the dirt and grass emanating from his coat. In that last second, he moved swiftly to his left. I hit the tree hard. Man, that guy is quick. I couldn’t shake the stars from my eyes, but I had to catch him now. Nobody makes me look stupid like that and gets away with it.

          I caught him out of the corner of my eye hauling butt towards the side entrance of the park. There is a gate back there, but I knew it would be closed and locked this late at night. I willed myself to get up, and I ran, with very bad intentions, after him. As I rounded the corner, I saw him standing about three feet from the locked gate. I asked him what he had to say now, and he just laughed at me. I tried to calculate a plan quickly, but his arrogance was driving me nuts. He spit a remark about how he and his Wild Guys were taking over, and I just lunged for his throat.

          Suddenly, I realized I was falling. As I made my abrupt descent into an unseen hole in the ground, I watched Fred soar over the gate in one graceful leap. I hit the ground with a deafening thud, and the next thing I remembered was waking to the sound of that lawnmower.

          So, I was strapped to a table with some crazy Wild Guys running around and a bad case of razor bump itch around that sting on my stomach. And of course, I didn’t have a clue as to what to expect next. Then, Fred came hopping into the room. He had sin in his stare, and a huge piece of plastic in his hand. He informed me that whether I liked it or not, he and the Wild Guys were here to stay. He told me he would give me a chance to get used to the idea; but that he needed to be sure I couldn’t do any damage in the meantime. Fred walked slowly toward a counter on the far side of the room. He proceeded to put the plastic monstrosity in his hand down, and replaced it with a syringe and a cordless phone. He asked for my friend Alyssa’s phone number, and pressed the keys in the phone. I heard him tell her to come get me, and after a slight pause, he relayed to her that it was for my own good. The next thing I knew, Fred was patting me on the back, and I felt a twinge of pain between my shoulders. I began to fade once again.

          I awoke later that day on the couch in the house that I shared with Alyssa and this other chick Heather. But, something was terribly wrong. I still couldn’t stand, and there was something wrapped around the perimeter of my head.

          I bellowed for someone to come help me, and Heather magically appeared in front of me. She was framed in a circle of light, and looked wonderfully like an angel sent from Heaven. She was holding a bowl of something, but the nausea rose in my throat at the first thought of eating. She asked me how I was, and I stared at her with awe. I tried to shake the vision from my eyes, and asked her how she thought I was. She sat down sweetly next to me, and it was then that I understood the magnitude of my situation.

           That plastic monstrosity that Fred the Bunny had been holding was now wrapped around my head. Heather had leaned in to give me a hug, and I moved closer to embrace her. Suddenly, I smacked her in the face with the cone encasing my cranium. That was when I knew. Fred thought that by trapping my face he could keep me from getting at him. At first, I thought so also.

          I apologized to Heather, and asked her to leave. Then I cried. Fred the Bunny had turned me into a freak. How can I be metal with a plastic cone around my head? I was utterly beside myself. I didn’t know what to do, so I thought that I would go sit on the porch, with a pint of ice cream, and watch the sun fade on my horrible day. 

          As I limped onto the porch, with the help of Heather, I noticed Alyssa coming up the walk. Heather helped me in to a rattan lounge chair, and I thought of something nasty to say to Alyssa. When Alyssa reached the foot of my chair and asked for a chance to explain, I exploded with a grisly snarl of disgust. Alyssa ran off crying with Heather running after her, and I was left alone to feel ugly and remorseful.

          Just then, Fred the Bunny appeared at the foot of the porch steps. I could hardly contain my rage. He calmly asked me if I was feeling better and smiled with a black-toothed grin. I tried to get up from the chair, but only succeeded in sliding to the ground in a heap. The ridiculousness of my situation sunk in, and I began to howl with laughter. Fred just stared blankly at me. I was defeated. It looked as though Fred had won. I told him so, and let him know that I wouldn’t bother him or any of his Wild Guys friends anymore.

          Fred took his leave, and I called for the girls to help me inside to bed. I resigned myself to powerlessness, for the moment, and apologized to Alyssa. I closed my eyes, but slept only intermittently through the night. I could not fully accept my situation, and Fred the Bunny’s smiling face would not vanish from mind.

          I awoke as the sun was rising over the trees. I felt somewhat better, and began to plan my return to pure metal status. I refused to be relegated to the freak of the week club. I shuffled to the shower and stood plotting under the torrent of water that was wonderfully injecting my body with feeling. The beginning of my re-birth was at hand. What could be more metal than a phoenix rising from the ashes? This is what I would become!

          The next few weeks went quickly. Alyssa and I mended the fissures of our relationship, and I enlisted her and Heather in aiding me in my return to cool. They helped me to work out and regain my strength. Heather fed me well, and Alyssa saw to the wound on my tum, er, stomach. I did my own part by bumping and thrashing the plastic brain trap into everything in my path. I rammed fences, doors, people and anything else in attempt to loosen its grasp upon my neck. All of this was done “accidentally” of course. Sleep was scarce during this time. I stayed awake restlessly wrestling with the cone throughout the nights. And, all other down time was spent daydreaming of revenge. I was almost there.

          Three weeks to the day from waking up to the sound of the lawnmower, I rose from my bed with the knowledge that the day had come. I felt invincible and gorgeously metal. The cone was now hanging loosely from the string that attached it to my neck. It was filthy and tattered, and soon to be a memory. I had seen a sharpened, stray piece of fence yesterday in the park, and I started out from the house to finish what I had started so “accidentally”. I reached the park, and the clouds were full of grey. I located the fence and began to cut the last vestige of freakishness that had held me captive for the past few weeks. I heard a “snap”, and watched as the cone fell from my head into a muddy puddle. I was free at last, and the cone was now the defeated one.

          I began to run around in circles flailing my head to and fro. I had never felt such elation in my life. Then I saw him. Fred the Bunny was hopping along about fifty feet away blissfully unaware of my presence. I stealthily followed him through the ominous fog of a dreary morning. He stopped ahead at the edge of the wading pool, and I made my move. Fred was cornered. He turned quickly and smiled at my angry scowl.

          Fred the Bunny was about to be skinned alive. I watched him as he continued to smile at me, and extended his hand with a bright “How you doin’ Metal Dog? Where’ve you been?” I was shocked! What was wrong with this dude?? I didn’t know how to respond, and I felt stupid and ashamed all of a sudden. I turned around and began to walk home. As I reached the park entrance, I heard the sweet song of a distant lawnmower. I turned and glanced at Fred. I waved and hollered goodbye. I’d go see him tomorrow, and maybe see if he wanted go hang and catch a show at the metal club.