June 5, 2000 Writing is the willful act to release the unconscious onto paper - to draw the images from vision into words. It is a gradual peeling away of the surfaces that we like so much. It is both an exercise and a pleasure to express thoughts into words. June 6, 2000 When I write, it is almost like a stream of consciousness - where my thoughts, garbled or clear, pour onto the page. All the things that I think about - whether it's motivated by internal thoughts, or external factors - finds its way into words and phrases. Although I don't ever mention names, some of the pieces are definitely dedicated to specific people, while others are my thoughts towards the situations that are very much beyond my ken. However obscure the references may be, I consider these to be the honest reflections of myself about different relationships and situations. Some of the more contemplative/darker pieces are often more personal expressions of thoughts that run through my mind. I consider of of my darker pieces to be as honest and simple as anything else I write - more often than not, it's an outpouring of emotion that would otherwise cause a mental implosion. Unless asked by someone to explain the events that may lead up to some of those pieces - and sometimes it's a struggle to determine how much to reveal and how much is really too personal. I have been told that there is a poem that is particularly dark (May 20) and angry is a good poem. I think that one of the most important aspects of my writing is that it evokes a response - usually an emotional one - at the most basic levels - be it sadness, anger or any other emotion. It's not even important that anyone reading the writings feels anything, but that I can look back to these writings and clearly remember the reasons why I write the things I do. Each word is an aspect of myself that I commit to paper - something that I consider to be permanent enough that I can look back on. It used to be that only under times of great distress did I write; for it served as an outlet of negative thoughts. But with the last few months, it's been serving more as a record of my day-to-day thoughts - both positive/happy thoughts, and otherwise. When I write, it's always a quick jotting of notes, with few times for revision and changes. I've written in the middle of a traffic jam, en route driving, in the middle of night, there hasn't been a time that I haven't written. Writing is one of the few outlets for suppressed thoughts. It first became such when I realized that nobody paid attention to my writings in a black steno book. Over ten years, I have filled many books. Over the last three months, I've filled three notebooks with my scribbles. June 7, 2000 Perhaps these are journal entries, since I am almost constantly writing but it will mainly relate to my writing efforts. when people ask why I don't write/post more lighter poems - it is almost easier to draw upon a well of darkness than it is to capture the sunlight. And in a land where darkness reigns, only rarely can I write in a lighter vein. Most often, I have to have spoken to the people that would cause me to contemplate the lighter emotions. and so it is, that a lot of lighter poems are telling glimpses of two fellow pups - the lives they live, the love they share, and their hopes and dreams. June 8, 2000 I was asked today, by a person that had read all of the poetry that I had posted - how much of my early material was of an autobiographical nature - and I responded - in every piece there is always something of the writer. In there, there are more, and others - less. And always, it's an honest response; the writings are a part of me - it captures the ugliness I see as much as it does the happiness. Although people offer their support for the melancholy that runs deep - it is something that is inherent in the writer. June 8, 2000 22.00 EDT I was asked, why my writing appeared to carry so much emotion, yet in life, I hung back. And I could not explain that once I saw the words, the feeling was not within me anymore. And that this was the only way I knew how, to maintain a tenuous grasp on a thread of sanity. Or that I sought the cold because it was a barrier against all else. And like the creature that I take my name, I am a loner at heart - knowing myself to be such, I remain here. In a world where "together" is the keyword, I defy the convention, to be lonely. In an age where superficial appearances rule, I cloak myself against the eyes. June 9, 2000 01.00 EDT The power of the written word both intrigues and frightens at the same time - to have something in perpetuity, and the power that it represents. And like a wound, it bleeds freely, unstoppable. June 10, 2000 01.10 EDT Often, we hear of the horrors of Internet relationships and how deceptive they were - but I am not sure how the Internet affects these relationships if at all; online relationships are almost akin to the classical "pen pal" relationships - does a relationship become all the more difficult to sustain if the two people are physically far apart? June 10, 2000 12.20 EDT As a means of communication, the Internet is both a barrier as well as a bridge. The interaction that we engage in, on the Net, takes time away from any social interactions that we might partake. Yet, it may facilitate people who would otherwise never meet. As a tool, it is impossible to measure the friendships formed. June 10, 2000 14.40 EDT Are writers as dark as their writings? Are we making assumptions that by reading the writings, we might assume that they are a reflection of the writer? June 13, 2000 02.00 EDT Writing is a part of my life that has managed to survive through the years - never mind the other "hobbies" that I've taken up, writing remains a central focus for my life. It provides a record of everything - what I feel, what I think about... June 17, 2000 02.15 EDT If writing serves as a mechanism to express emotions- then, is it effective? June 17, 2000 15.10 EDT I lament at the fragility of love, and the ease that we put it away. Our hearts are so frail, that every time it breaks, we think that we would never survive, but we live. The cliché of: that which does not kill us, makes us stronger, is true. I suspect that there is an innocence to "first love" that is lost in subsequent times. Each time we give a part of ourselves to someone else, we are trusting that it will be guarded and cherished. And each time a relationship ends, another chink of armour is placed around the area that is our heart. Is it a jaded view of the world? Where we are cautious because too many times before, hurt has found a way around all the barriers erected - around our lives, and around our feelings. When people say: love makes you strong - they forget that love makes you weak as well - the uncertainty, the tentativeness of finding out the complementary side to a soul. With every person you meet, they see a different side of your soul - and like a multi-faceted diamond, we see a reflection of what's inside. June 17, 2000 16.40 EDT Is it sympathy, empathy, or envy I feel - to see the advent, then loss of a relationship? Sympathy at the decisions they made? Empathy at the pain and loss that they feel? Envy that they found each other - even if it was only for a very short time? To have found something so fundamental to life - the love of another, and then to release it into the world - such are the sacrifices that we make. June 19, 2000 01.15 EDT In a time and place where love is fleeting - how difficult it is, to shed the cautiousness and venture into the sea of emotion. Where you can only *hope* to find love. If you're not risking to play the game, you're risking: never finding love. June 22, 2000 20.20 EDT In the age of electronic communication, where it, convenience, can bring together people thousands of miles away, this convenience of "instant" messengers can also make it equally easy to avoid talking to someone. When you log on, the whole world knows, and when you leave, the sound can travel a thousand miles. This ease of use and release in messaging and communication servers are paralleled to the seeming ease we love - to find someone, love, and then release the relationship as if it were so much junk mail refuse. June 24, 2000 19.00 EDT Last nights discussion on soulmates, on previous lives, strikes a chord - how do you know when you've found yourr soooulmate? The flippant response may have been - when your soul knows. Perhaps it's when the heart clenches at the loss of the other. Perhaps it's when the reason you do things is for "us", not "you," not "me" but "us." June 25, 2000 10.40 EDT How do you know you can trust that feeling? The question is: is this a gut feeling? Too often have people become enamored with the concept of "falling in love" or in other words: falling in love with the idea of "falling in love." I think that after the first "haze" of excitement or euphoria... the mind and the heart settles into whether it's a feeling that can be trusted or not. June 26, 2000 01.45 EDT The question is - where do feelings end and love begins? How do you know what you are feeling is genuine? Is it the "real thing" and such is the case that we are unsure - how much of this gut feeling do we trust? Why are we dissuaded by the opinions of others? People often talk about the "connection" that we feel - especially meeting someone - with the possibilities of love. June 27, 2000 01.15 EDT If I was a person at the time of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table - Sir Percival. June 28, 2000 00.20 EDT What happens when people make assumptions? they are very often WRONG! What is it with women and the plethora of "drama" that seems to surface? Although women are stereotyped as being very talkative, I think that when it comes down to their own relationships - there is much less communication than expected. June 28, 2000 18.20 EDT June 15, 2000 Dykes of Distance: Why can't lesbians just settle for the girl next door - by Susan Goldberg. I am only going to relate this to what I have seen - which is very little, and to what has been told to me - which is also very little. So this is my own view on such things. The Internet is a form of communication that can never, Ever replace human contact. I don't care how much "cyber" communication occurs, it is not the same as seeing someone and looking into their eyes. The article discusses the apparent trend(?) of gays and lesbians to engage in long- distance relationships - some of them half way around the worldd..... Although I do not know of "halfway around the world" couples...I know of relationships where one of the parties may be a thousand or two thousand miles away... wait, make that two and a half. Both times, the relationships have not lasted... and people wonder why I can write such sad musings - it's with an almost... parental (?) - I'm not sure if that's the right word, but a much closer awareness of their relationship and progression. It's almost like a sense of social blindness - unless something is pointed out as different: i.e., you would never know that these two people were together until it was pointed out to you. Is this what is considered "social conditioning"? People automatically assume that someone is heterosexual as opposed to anything else. People will ask about significant others but almost automatically divide into: "married" and "unmarried." Does the pain lessen because it was a long distance relationship? June 29, 2000 00.30 EDT Distance is always a factor in love - for those who adhere to the saying of distance makes the heart grow fonder - forget the caveat - only for a short period of time. July 1, 2000 01.40 EDT Definition of a soulmate [as per a discussion with Ms SherriR27] I would suggest that it's someone that knows and understands you better than yourself. A case of more than halves of anything... More like a rope or twine... where you really cannot find the beginning or the end of a strand because you cannot pull them apart without everything being separated. People often say that you should never lie to yourself... but I think that we know that this is not always true. I would think that a soulmate is someone that would always be honest to you... not necessarily being blunt but certainly never shy away from the times where you're lost in the forest and they're seeing the trees. To see it [soulmates] lends hope to all those that have yet to find such love. July 1, 2000 02.20 EDT In a world where we are governed by cynicism - even love gains a numerical value. July 1, 2000 12.40 EDT We are struggling for answers as quickly as the questions are being asked. In this time, we are so doubtful of ever finding - love, happiness, soulmates?? In a lifetime of days - how many people are searching for something that appears to be just out of their reach? July 2, 2000 02.20 EDT [as per a discussion with Ms Rebecca and Ms K] Self-analysis/examination - help or hindrance? what some view as a very strict need for self examination, others would view as a need to understand the relationships that bind us to one another. And in a time where many people seemingly do things without any forethought.. or hind thought for that matter - it is very rare that one can actually find someone who self- acknowledges their willingness to "think" and analyze decisions before they are made. Too often, decisions are "on the go" and little time is allowed for review - or even a breakdown of why the decision made was determined to be the right one... or the correct one. Both not necessarily meaning the same decision. July 2, 2000 02.30 EDT Life as a roller coaster Roller coasters are the type of ride that will either leave you utterly exhilarated, nauseuous with motion sickness, or a weird mixture of both. July 2, 2000 10.30 EDT The discussion on soulmates - is that a modern Symposium? [See Plato's Symposium and Aristophane's description of soulmates: http://www.ilt.columbia. edu/text_version/academic/digitexts/plato/symposium/symposium.html ] July 3, 2000 14.50 EDT Destiny or Free Will? [as per a discussion with Ms K] Do we as individuals have free will or are we living a life pre-destined? I would argue that too often we will make decisions/choices that certainly appear to follow a "pre-defined" route. Destiny carries with it too much baggage for me to be fully comfortable with the concept. It reminds me of religious teleology - complete with an ultimate Watchmaker. I think that people make choices, and what happens is a "cascade" effect - a triggering of decisions and responses made by others, either environmental or on a human level. According to the two schools of Chinese Philosophy, the origins of human nature are either good or evil: Confucious suggested that human nature/spirit began in a state of benevolence (or goodness), and only through the "corrupting" experiences of living; while Man-tze (Mencius) suggested that the spirit was born "malevolent" and only through teaching and positive experiences do we become "good" or civilized. I subscribe to the concept of tabula rasa which is that the human nature is begins as an empty slate and all that we are exposed to are that which shapes our personality and growth. Miss K tells me that this is another aspect of my need for control displaying itself... and I guess that it is. I think that human beings in general, are too stubborn or perhaps too selfish to surrender to the concept of destiny. :) Or perhaps, I don't want to have the too-convenient excuse for the faults and mistakes that I make - I myself, am responsibly for my own actions - there is no pre-destined pattern that I am following blindly or even knowingly. July 5, 2000 12.10 EDT Independence and self-sufficiency Two concepts that are not entirely the same nor entirely separate. Self-sufficiency is defined by Merriam-Webster as: the quality or state of being self-sufficient [self-sufficient: able to maintain oneself or itself without outside aid : capable of providing for one's own needs]. One can be self-sufficient without being independent, and similarly, independence does not imply self-sufficiency. July 6, 2000 14.30 EDT One of the most interesting relationships that we will ever have in this life time is that with our parents. Certainly the media has portrayed the child/parent relationship as everchanging and extremely complex. Most people wonder at the relationship I have with my mother - it is certainly not in the most traditional sense, the "typical" mother/daughter relationship. I will profess that I know naught of what constitutes the usual mother/daughter relationship but will note that our relationship is "civil." We are unfailingly polite with one another, but the pre-supposed bond is not entirely there. When someone said that the dreams of the parents live in the lives of their children, I suppose that it might have been, but lost still. July 8, 2000 02.00 EDT What happens when we are told something that causes a pivotal turn in perception - especially self-perception? Without going into even the vaguest of details, I recieved information that has been an utter bombshell in terms of gravity - a 90° turn in perception. July 9, 2000 11.00 EDT would it be believed that someone has not had a travel vacation for over ten years - an even out of town trips were just for the day? would it be believed that someone has missed all the academic milestones - that the only ceremony attended was one in elemetary schoo - not high school, nor college? Would it be believed that somone can still count all the trips to a movie theatre on two hands - only to have fingers left over? Would it be believed that one has not seen in real life what is writen on paper? That so much living is done vicariously through others? That so much excitement is felt for others - because there is none here. And like the shadows, on ehears more, learns more, but lives naught. The emptiness within absorbs all feelings - the joy of others, the loneliness, the happiness that bubbles over from the words of another. Sublimating into words, finding shelter on paper - where their permanence is unsought but welcome. And what if one told you that everything important in the teenage life - were missed - by omission, what could be said? July 10, 2000 00.15 EDT This afternoon, I recieved a long distance call from Kennedy - apparently she (and several others) were concerned that I had not been online last night (Saturday). My modem is mal-functioning - ever since Saturday afternoon - my excitement at getting a 'yes' for my May 2001 trip to Pasadena is matched by my frustrations at being unable to tell anyone of this news. But this is not my chiefest thought - I am humbled and amazed that for one night - my absence is immediately noted, while in all the years past, my non-presence in my social academics has only been noted by a brief telephone call some months afterwards. Truly I am beyond humility to try and understand my place in the great scheme of things - such that one night is enough to cause concern - but I am extremely grateful for this friendship - more than I will ever understand or could ever explain. People have often spoken of "pup" power of sorts but to hear is one thing, and to experience is another. On the 8th, I wrote of a change in perception. Today has given my perceptions another twist; I don't think that I will be forgetting this week anytime soon. July 10, 2000 21.45 EDT I made the statement today: women are trouble - beautiful to look at but trouble nonetheless. In a time where the emphasis appears to be on the fleetingness of time, people seem willing to engage in very fast/quick relationships that both start and end quickly. I wonder if this is an aspect of my own conservatism? where the strength lies in the quality of the time spent together. When people talk in donuts- that is, talking around a subject, it frustrates me *g* There is being obscure and being vague but donuts are painful. I can read between the lines well enough but it is tiring trying to decipher the meanings of everything. What does this have to do with the original question re: women are trouble? In all of the years that I've seen relationships, I don't think that I've seen the complexities of this year. July 11, 2000 19.15 EDT What is considered to be vicarious living? Jac commented that some of my writings conveyed a sense of longing - how realistic can writing be when the emotions are something that is conjured by the mind as opposed to something that is experienced by the heart? There is a varied response to what I can imagine and what people imagine I am conveying. The hardest pomes/pieces of writing is/are the more erotic/exotic (?) pomes - only a few have truly flowed quickly from my pen - I think that 18 and the original sundae description were written on the spur of the moment. Some of the other pomes were written by request - usually on a suggestion by Stacy - or sometimes the hot weather lent itself to lighter pomes. July 11, 2000 23.40 EDT It has been two months and one week since Miss Kennedy first asked me questions regarding soulmates and my own views on reincarnation. Has there been a change in this intervening time? I don't believe so - simply because I know that unless I see proof contrary to my own views on soulmates, I still like my theory of the train travel best. [From Kennedy] That we are destined to find the same person over and over again. And what if you miss them? I don't think that it's always the same person, and during the same lifetime. Perhaps I might consider the concept that every lifetime lived, we are, hopefully, learning something new. If during this learning cycle, we meet the person that we had loved previously - does it mean that one could "fall in love" again with them - sure; but if we never meet them during this lifetime, it doesn't preclude that we might find love with someone else. It's like riding a train - if we are lucky, walking amongst the rail cars, you might find an old friend, sit down and have a long and happy conversation. But sometimes you're not taking the 6.45 train and taking later one, or earlier one - 7.15 -- so you might strike up a conversation with an absolute stranger. Neither of these cases prevents the passenger in question from having a fulfilling journey - it just depends on where the conversation thread picks up from - from the verrrry first time? or from last times discussion. July 13, 2000 00.00 EDT The ease of the flow of words for visceral writing is such that I want the entire experience of reading the words to be evocative. July 14, 2000 23.00 EDT Have you ever had a conversation that lasted three hours and you didn't know where the time went? Today I 'spoke' to Spot for three hours. Of course, it didn't help that due to time differences and my modem problems that the usual chat room time has not been possible. July 15, 2000 01.30 EDT Goggle, goggle. Let me try to wrap my mind around some ideas - what influence do my writings imbue? What perceptions are imparted to the readers by the writing? For there is power within a name and there is power in the words - how is this balanced by the need to express things in writing? Is the ease of analysis of my writings making it easy to attribute to various emotions and thoughts to the writer? What are people feeling? Is the writing evoking any feeling? July 15, 2000 15.15 EDT Writing with impugnity. As a silent (or not so silent) observer, I can write comments and speculate with relative impugnity. Since I am not mentioning names or even specific time and places, people cannot really accuse or even begin to guess at the events that I write about. For example, 47a, 1-4 and 29 document thoughts on a relationship I saw bloom, while 25, 56, and 59 tell the tstory of two other people. I think that there may be only two or three other people in the world that know of whom I write about in the first set of pomes. There are probably another two people that know of the stories behind 25, 56 and 59. Perhaps I am given the chance to observe more than most other people, or perhaps I am wililng to write about the things that I see. Some parts are vicarious living [the happier times], some parts are an emphatic pain - perhaps it is because I watched the beginning and the end of these relationships, I see their potential and I see their flaws. My self-appointed role of observer forbids (?) me or inhibits me from directly interfering. July 15, 2000 18.50 EDT The heart freezes over as the words washed against my ears. July 16, 2000 00.20 EDT Self-abdication - I am reminded that I have left the decisions beyond my own control. July 17, 2000 21.20 EDT Where does on-line living and real life living end or begin? Are we willing to do things online that we would never do in real life? Are inhibitions set beside the CPU as we indulge ourselves online? July 20, 2000 07.30 EDT Searching for perfection - what is easy on the eyes may be hard on the heart. And I would never allow the surface to detract from what is beneath - only because appearances are decieving and in the world that we live in - we place too much emphasis on the surface. What good is it if the surface is honey but there is no substance - we cannot live on emptiness forever. July 22, 2000 11.00 EDT Where does it begin? Why do I choose to write what I cannot see? Evoking images that are not even real? July 22, 2000 21.00 EDT I can't drive very far without evoking pups *g* - we're in Dearborn, Michigan tonight. I saw cars from Minnesota (10,000 lakes) and thought of K, saw a car from Indiana and thought of Isurus, saw a car from Louisiana (Sportsman's Paradise) and thought of TS, saw a car from Illnois and thought of Chicago and Chi-pups... *g* This was in addition to the abundance of Ohio plates - Miss Mel and Gaia-Mom as well as Miss Shannon. We're quite close to the Airport and certainly the planes are making me think of Pasadena - 284 days and counting. July 23, 2000 00.25 EDT Matchmaking is something that should be left in the last years of the twentieth century. It is an ineffective and futile method of meeting people - it's a case of "like meeting like." At least in familial brackgrounds it is true. However, in my case, it was two dissimilar people meeting - nothing worth getting excited about. July 23, 2000 09.00 EDT Left Dearborn, spent day along Grosse Points. Beautiful surroundings. July 23, 2000 13.15 EDT Got a Michigan State shirt as a gift... can't wear it. *+*; July 23, 2000 16.00 EDT Once again I am reminded why travelling with my parent is something I should not willingly do. 4 PM, no lunch yet. Preparing to drive back to T.O. She's snapped enough pictures to fill an album. My eyes are squintly, I am hot and sweaty and my annoyance grows every moment. She doesn't want to hear my complaints, I don't want to hear her period. July 30, 2000 03.00 EDT I gained three days of peace - and the price I have not yet paid. Stupidly, I imagined a quiet return - I was wrong. I am sure that the next month shall prove interesting. If I could, I would have given up all of my plans and sent her on a year long trip but this merely demonstrates my nïavete. What am I left with? Every word cuts deeper than the sharpest blade - leaving behind a lingering memory that never truly heals. Time does not heal everything - or at least, twenty years is not enough. Perhaps it is the unthinking ease that the words are uttered that stuns me most. There isn nothing "encouraging" (?) in words that cut, attack, and leave nothing behind. Certainly it is by her words that I have learnt the power of mine - willing to commit to paper what I could never say in life. July 30, 2000 07.00 EDT Lalalala... let me go back to my idiocy mode now - to play a duck and let the words wash off of me as I burn inside from a twisting flame that is unforgiving. Were it possible, I would have torn and destroyed these buttons long ago - for every time they are pushed, the reespooonse is the same - outwardly nothing, inwardly - how far can you retreat before falling into a precipice? Red raw, I'm sure I've had enough salt poured over to sicken anyone. Just like a sniper, the words would but do not kill. They are careful not to maim. August 5, 2000 10.30 EDT Pit stop in NY State just before 15S - left home at 06.00 EDT. August 5, 2000 12.00 EDT Still on 15S - lunch break Plato's Symposium talks about honor between lovers, and honor within love. He spoke of an army of lovers that would be more efficient - due to their efforts to show honor to their lovers - is honor still seen amongst modern day lovers? August 5, 2000 14.30 EDT The hilly countryside of Pennsylvania are covered with rolling acres of greenery - a veritable oasis of the many shades of green. August 5, 2000 20.30 EDT Baltimore - crab cakes at Uncle Leo's; walked along the Harbor, staying at Hilton Alexandria Mark Centre [Virginia] and packed away the Penn State pennant and U. Md. Med. Sch. polo shirt. Can't wear these. August 6, 2000 11.15 EDT Washington - saw Capitol Hill, nine different Smithsonian museums, Lincoln Memorial, Jefferson Memorial, Vietnam and Korean War Memorials. August 6, 2000 14.15 EDT Back in Baltimore for a stopover at Otakon 2000 August 6, 2000 15.00 EDT Spent the day in Washington DC and Baltimore - dinner last night at Uncle Leo's with Joe and Henry - parents at Phillips. Went to Smithsonian in the morning, lunch was crab cakes at Phillips. Crossing back over to Maryland to Delaware to New Jersey. August 7, 2000 01.30 EDT Talked to Miss Ellie today. Paced around the telephone terminals for five minutes before dialing the number. Miss Ellie sounds wonderful. August 9, 2000 20.45 EDT People ask: why do you persist in picking at the scabs until it bleeds and I have no words for the morbid fascination I seem to hold - to continue at peeling back the layers to expose the wound red raw just to remind myself that I still feel something even if it hurts to remember. Eccentric fascination - a love/hate relationship to pain. I tis the only emotion that reminds me that I am still alive. That I am still surviving even if I thought that I was already dead. That, and the feel of cold iron against my neck tells me that I am here still. August 11, 2000 23.45 EDT [summarizing a conversation between both TB and the writer, as well as a conversation between K and the writer] Relationship is a thirteen letter word that is in actuality, comprised of fourteen letters: 5+5+4. They are: faith, trust and love. I view each factor as part of a triskelion. Which is the hardest to keep? I think that in the beginning, love is the hardest to maintain but in the long run, trust is the hardest to keep because too oftern are we beset by self-doubt as well as external circumstances. Faith is something that one tries to keep all throughout the relationship - faith in self, other, and the collective we. August 26, 2000 10.20 EDT In this age of a "global village" - where there are more people on the planet than ever before, one of the severest abuses that has been left unchecked would be simple neglect. September 6, 2000 13.35 EDT Labor Day is past. I saw Highlander: End Game on Monday. September really marks the beginning of another year for me - another time where beginnings seem possible, and opportunities endless. There are 238 days to Pasadena. :) September 7, 2000 15.35 EDT One rule I must never forget - NEVER EVER take personal calls on business hours. Listening at someone who is talking at you is never fun. But it becomes excessively unpleasant when you cannot respond nor can you put down the call. It's pretty sad that one must resort to a cheer up e-card to try to erase that experience from one's mind. Unnecessary stress, unwanted opinion. Have you ever felt your heart clench and a sheet of ice that falls across your back? It sends shivers down your spine and dampens all that lies around you. Sometimes one must really question why one is still here, taking the flack that one does. In fact, it's very silly to place alot of expectations on something that might happen two-hundred and some odd days in the future... but that's the goal. Keep calm, no stress, no bickering for the next 230+ days. I'll just need to remember that this is part of the price I am paying for three weeks of peace away from this situation. September 13, 2000 22.35 EDT In loco parentis usually doesn't mean that you've got parental responsibilities... even though, in times past that may have been the case. Guardian status in this age means very little if all you're given are the responsibilities without any support. September 23, 2000 22.35 EDT Random comment - non-fresh seafood leaves much to be desired. Including the scent. October 2, 2000 13.30 EDT Subject: Peer Review - the bare facts... [Excerpted from a posting to theBardicCircle] Peer Review Ummm... I do not profess to speak for the others on this list, nor do I play a professor in real life... but for me, I have three people (max) that will actually do a review of what I write (which is really a lot of poetry -- some of which y'all have seen) and the prose descriptions (like that Brownie dessert thing I posted). Unlike y'all whom write stories, poetry is probably one of the areas of writing that review doesn't change the content, style or words. When I write (and it's only for me), whatever I write at the beginning is usually still standing by the time I post it to a list, or show it to someone, or even index it on my site. Rarely do I change the wording or even usage (excluding typos). Y'all are very correct in saying that y'all are hoping for more feedback than just "'twas great" or "I liked it, more please." ... which is sometimes what people will give you. I can only speak from the feedback that I've written myself, and have recieved for the things that I write... sometimes, in my own writings, people are unable to distinguish whether I'm writing about something that is very close to my heart, or whether it's a fictional account of something. For example, within some of my more contemplative pieces, the entire mood is much much darker than the pieces that I write and post. For many people, they are unwilling to ask whether your writing is a reflection of personal experience. Perhaps this is not an appropriate example, but I might point to stories where the characters in question had been subjected to child abuse, or sexual molestation -- traumas that occurs all too often unfortunately. As writers, we are trying to draw the reader into the entire experience - which MAY involve intense scenes of huurt///comfort - as readers (or betas), how prepared are we to question whether these scenes are accurate in the most clinical sense? How willing are we, to question whether such a timeline could occur? Or whether, the response described would actually happen? I think that within Peer Review, we need to be prepared to ask these questions - the questions, that one might (as a "normal" reader) be willing to forego. Finally, I note that on my own index, I make the following statement: "Sometimes it's free verse, sometimes it's just one other person in the Bar... and always, it's a part of the writer." And... "June 5, 2000 Writing is the willful act to release the unconscious onto paper - to draw the images from vision into words. It is a gradual peeling away of the surfaces that we like so much. It is both an exercise and a pleasure to express thoughts into words." October 7, 2000 11.30 EDT SL Bowers has taken her skill and style of writing to a new level with her orginal fiction as well as the TV-based fan-fiction. She has pared the words to the extent that it is parsimonious in what she does leave. And every word counts - she makes them resound in importance. Like carving a sculpture from marble, Bowers wields her words like a knife - cutting away at the tale until the final work of art renders you breathless. What may be considered the lush scenery is prevalent in Lucifer Rising. Every word, every nuance of a gesture draws a picture of a city famed for its rich cultures... November 27, 2000 09.20 EDT Filial loyalty is something that is very arbitrary in this world - especially since the constraints of time, and effort are not always working in tandem. I am not sure what a parent would hope to achieve by pushing for a family gathering when the occasion is not theirs; it is mine. What's the point of gathering if it's going to be a key factor in contributing to unwanted stress? It's not every day, or even every month where one is told that they are not a filial grandchild because they haven't taken the opportunity to visit said grandparent. >:( So far, on a weekly basis, one has been told that... to culminate this morning the remark of: P[arent]: You didn't call your grandmother back yesterday. C[hild]: She called? P: Yes, didn't [child #2] tell you? C: No. This is the first time I've heard about this. P: Well you should have called her... From there the conversation degenerated. December 04, 2000 13.01 EDT Freedom to write Living in North America, we (I) have enjoyed an unprecedented level of freedom, to write, to express our thoughts and opinions, that many others in this world will never be able to enjoy. By virtue of circumstances, I, and some others, have been able to express these thoughts on an electronic forum - the World Wide Web. The ease that we provide our thoughts for public or private consumption, is matched only by the ease of others to freely disregard our writings. As readers and writers of the word, we exercise great freedoms in determining what (if any) articles, we read. The recent "Jessie Lee" fiasco that has involved several large internet mailing lists illustrates the ease of electronic communication and the furor it can cause. Most particularly, this person has chosen not only to spam the recipients with the message of: Hello dear (listname removed) members My name is Jessie Lee and I am the owner of CALLIX. CALLIX is a list to help reform lesbians. I know many of you are lesbians and I would like to help you. PLEASE LET ME HELP YOU! You can subscribe by going to callix-subscribe@egroups.com Please join. Jessie Lee yours in God's glory There is nothing that one can do about people carrying their own views towards homosexuality. In fact, under the First Amendment of the US Constitution, just as they are free to espouse their view towards any issue, we, as fellow citizens, are free to ignore their views. In terms of the efforts to "delesbianize" [remove all traces of a same-sex relationship] various stories by different authors -- this is not only offensive to the writers, but to the readers of these stories. It is quite probable that the relationship is a cornerstone to the story - and efforts to remove a cornerstone leeaveees the story a sham mockery of its former self. Perhaps one could consider it as, having never seen the Venus de Milo, and then arriving at the gallery to see the sculpture not only covered from top to bottom in a concealing cloth, but to also have both arms present. The reason why authors will place disclaimers at the very top of the story is to allow readers to exercise their own choice in determining whether they wish to read the story or not. If readers do not wish to read a story with something they consider to be objectionable, they are exercising their own right to choose by choosing not to read the story. Reading and the gifts of writing are two of the most personal choices, we as readers and writers exercise. We may choose to read the writings of another. We may choose to make available our own writings to others. Others make the same choices as well - to read, or respond to the things we write. At no time, should there be any coercion on the part of the reader or the writer. If someone does not wish to read about lesbian relationships, one can do so by not reading the stories. Within the privacy of one's own domain, they can even "remove" the relationships from the story -- but to then publicize these ... bastardized versions - it takes a lot of chutzpah and gall to do that. TBC... December 13, 2000 10.31 EDT Lay understanding of elections Over the last five weeks (and more), much of the attention in the US media has been focussed upon the electoral (and judicial) battle of the resolution of the US Presidential election. I am not a constitutional nor electoral law expert. I am merely a layperson - like so many other American citizens, that has watched the events unfold. Ballot counting In all eventualities, when the original machine ballot count results in an outcome with differences of mere hundredths of a percentage, there is an automatic machine ballot recount. I find it very difficult to accept that machine recounting is more accurate than that of humans. Let me outline my arguments for this statement: The ballot machine is designed by humans - and thus liable to human error in the design process. As well, this machine was designed to read full punchings on the ballots in question - partial (or hanging) chads, pregnant chads, and other non-apparent differences would not be picked up by the machine. In fact, these ballots would then be rejected and the voter intent remaining unregistered. A manual recount of the ballots - with a total of four pairs of eyes reviewing the ballot would not only provide a better judge of the accuracy of the punched chads, but as well - note any irregularities. Instead of ballot punching, and an individual design of the Presidential ballot for each county, I think that perhaps a specific and unique ballot -- one that requires the voter to fill in the area marked for the specific candidate (or else, connect the arrow). The ballots could then be "read" by the use of an OCR scanner - similar to the practice used by many colleges for the writing of multiple choice exams. In areas of ambiguity, the ballots would be scanned by human readers. The decision that has come down from the USSC has not only given the perception of disenfranchisement amongst many voters, but certainly places the value of the exercising of the right to vote in a precarious position. December 28, 2000 00.30 EDT It's a bitter feeling to know that the holidays pass by so quickly, yet not fast enough. Not enough time to rest, but never fast enough to avoid the struggles that are inherent to these days. Predictions were for the tilt to occur on the 23rd, and so it did. And now that it is after the holiday in question, it occurs once more. Solitude is a high price to pay for the stress of surviving. I am doubtful that there will ever be a time that these particular holidays will not cause stress. Sitting in a lightless room, sleeping a deathless dream, seeking the unthinkable, wanting the undreamt. Saturday, January 20, 2001 16.30 EST Like a Sword of Damocles, the threats hang in the air - unspoken but ever present. An omnimous sign of the past, present and future - a silent remind of the power held against you - never hidden and never too far away. One day, the blade shall drop, and the tenous hold on reality shall be cut once more - it's frayed edges giving way to a clean cut that severs now from then. Ever conscious of this sword, remaining vigilant to the fact that it exists, that it's power grows as every day passes. The silent ringing between teh ears, rebounds into emptiness - the throbbing moan that fills the air as empty hands reached to grasp at nothingness. Sunday, January 28, 2001 10.45 EST How ironic to wake up to a ranting mother - how hindsighted of me to listen to the litany of mistakes of the last 20 years. This early morning repetition gains nothing more than a speedy retreat to a world where continuous motion is the norm. To nag at a younger siblings, she trots my errors once more into the limelight, once again feeling the need to warn by example - if you fail, not only do you fail that one time but it comes indelibly etched on the minds and memories of all within hearing range. Everytime I think that I might have been able to leave behind the unhappiness part, it is thrown once more into my face that not only will I never able to surmount the past, but that it follows like a spume of toxic waste wherever I go. There is no encouragement, rather a continuous torrent of debasement. All teh time I am reminded of my failings - this morning was just one more time where the fees I pay at the gym are a point of contention - more importantly - the fees I pay for a trainer. Two hours a week training, plus twelve plus hours over seven days - perhaps this is not enough... Let me count the hours: 8.30-5 really means: 7.30-6 working hours... There is a possible 45 hours for me to see my parent - this includes times for meals and the evening hours. Obviously this is too much time, I'll need to spend more time at the gym. I wonder if the problem is because I came downstairs at 9.30 this morning - obviously too late for the comfort of my parent. Less sleep increases the chances of becoming ill. I will sleep earlier in the evening and not at 12.00 AM. I want to minimize my exposure time to them - out of sight, out of mind. February 4, 2001 23.20 EDT Discretion is the better sense of valour. To not say something that is hurtful and serves no purpose other than to wound another takes more strength that to just say something. What good does this knowledge serve once it is known? None - it serves nothing but to cause hurt feelings - is it a case of "I just thought that you should know..." ? Honesty - isn't that one of the fundamentals in any relationship - to have a open and honest dialogue with those closest to you? February 24, 2001 10.30 EDT The busy day of Saturday begins with unending noise tha tresounds through my skull like a dying battle between the confusion outside and the blessed silence within. Undaunting silence serves as a bitter remind of the words that flow effortless around me. Oh but for a day of silence! A time of rest! April 02, 2001 00.30 EDT Honesty and Communication within a Relationship One word descriptor for sage advice to those in relationships that I borrow from SX Meagher's title for Book 8 - Honesty. Be honest to yourself, to those around you, and to the relationship. Open and continued communication is key to maintaining a relationship. As yourself, are you willing to put forth the effort, the trust, and the time to not only "maintain" the relationship per se, but to allow for progression in its development? Be honest with yourself, look down the road a wee bit and answer the question to yourself, do you see yourself continuing in this relationship? Whare are you prepared to bring into this relationship - and I speak not of material wealth - what are your hopes and dreams? I urge for honesty and forthright dialogue between people. Be honest with yourself, but be equally honest to them as well. A mutual sense of respect, honesty, and understanding is not only fundamental to maintaining and developing a relationship, but I think they remain key to allowing a friendship to survive, even if the partnership dissolves. Be honest and frank in your discussion; if you're not prepared for the intensity of the relationship, then say so early on. As bad as you may feel in needing to end a relationhip, it becomes even more painful when you prolong it. Don't avoid a discussion because it may cause pain. Trying to avoid the big white elephant in the living room doesn't succeed for very long. don't talk around a subject, talk about it, and talk through it. April 06, 2001 09.30 EDT Perceptions - those of Nations and Individuals The latest diplomatic friction between the United States of America and the People's Republic of China remains unresolved - at stake - the freedom of the 24 crewmembers of the aircraft, the EP-3 surveillance plane, and the future position of Chinese-US diplomatic, and more importantly, trade relations. As noted to me yesterday, the driving force behind Chinese-US relations, is not a strategic partnership OR even strategic enemy relationship. It is trade - the market that is the Chinese population, as yet "untapped" by US companies. How does being "caught" in a position of "surveillance" of your potential trading market add to your position as a major trade partner? I believe that it does not. Q In my region, we have strong economic interests in Asia as an export market. Would you please comment on the balance that you think should be struck between our strategic interests and our economic interests in Asia, including China? THE PRESIDENT: I believe that China ought to be a trading partner of ours. I think it's in our economic interests to open up the Chinese markets to U.S. products, to U.S. agricultural products. I not only believe it's in our economic interest, I believe it's in our interest to promote U.S. values. And I believe the marketplace promotes values. When people get a taste of freedom in the marketplace, they tend to demand other freedoms in their societies. And so, I'm an advocate of China's entering into the WTO and I'm hopeful that the current situation ends quickly and our people come home. China is a strategic partner, a strategic competitor. But that doesn't mean we can't find areas in which we can partner. And the economy's a place where we can partner. And we've got some differences with China, long-term differences, spreading of weapons of mass destruction is an issue that we need to work with the Chinese on, as well as other nations in that part of the world. Human rights is an issue, but I believe trade will encourage more freedom, particularly when it comes to individual liberties. The marketplace is -- the marketplace unleashes the opportunity for people to make choices, and so I continue to push for trade with China, and -- http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2001/04/20010405-5.html The continued declarations of the Bush administration that they were engaged in a "routine" action... THE PRESIDENT: Late Saturday night in Washington, Sunday morning in China, a United States naval maritime patrol aircraft on a routine surveillance mission in international airspace over the South China Sea collided with one of two Chinese fighters that were shadowing our plane. Both our aircraft and a Chinese aircraft were damaged in the collision. Our aircraft made an emergency landing at an airfield on China's Hainan Island. We have been in contact with the Chinese government about this incident since Saturday night. From our own information, we know that the United States naval plane landed safely. Our embassy in Beijing has been told by the Chinese government that all 24 crew members are safe. Our priorities are the prompt and safe return of the crew, and the return of the aircraft without further damaging or tampering. The first step should be immediate access by our embassy personnel to our crew members. I am troubled by the lack of a timely Chinese response to our request for this access. Our embassy officials are on the ground and prepared to visit the crew and aircraft as soon as the Chinese government allows them to do so. And I call on the Chinese government to grant this access promptly. Failure of the Chinese government to react promptly to our request is inconsistent with standard diplomatic practice, and with the expressed desire of both our countries for better relations. Finally, we have offered to provide search and rescue assistance to help the Chinese government locate its missing aircraft and pilot. Our military stands ready to help. http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2001/04/20010402-2.html Consider the following analogy... If every nation was seen as a "child," each with their own backyard... then certainly the USA has a very large backyard in which to play in. If this child decides that their own yard is not enough to play in, and proceeds to someone else's yard to play, that too, is the perogative of said child. However, if this "someone else" keeps a dog within their own yard, lined by a chain link fence, then, the actions of the child to aggravate the dog with a stick; are indefensible. I would not be surprised if the dog snapped back. The child running home to weep to their parents that the "big bad dawg" bit them does not change the events leading up to the confrontation. What is determined to be "routine" by the US military establishment does not suggest that their "routine" actions are seen as "routine" by other nations. The insistence by the US government that the personnel and plane be returned promptly is matched by the insistence of the Chinese government that there be an explanation for these "routine" flights. April 19, 2001 15.00 EDT Schoolyard Violence... Let me write from the perspective of the "generation" between... I wasn't in high school when Columbine happened, but was actually studying for a chemistry final on the day of. Scary isn't it... to remember what you do on the day of a tragedy. I don't purport to know what the "younger" generation is thinking... but I would offer this in response... As trite as the saying is: it does take a village to raise a child. It takes all of society to raise the young people of our future. Don't blame things on what Hollywood does, or what Washington does - neither Hollywood, nor Washington sets the moral and ethical tones within the homes of our families, our friends, and the next generation. Who sets the tone? Each and every individual, be it man, woman, boy, or girl. Everyone does. When you have a generation of young people that are struggling without guidance - and I'm not just talking about moral guidance - but even a self-awareness of what is right and wrong, then you have the makings of a generation of lost souls. I don't use that term - souls, lightly, nor easily. Young people are the reflection of all that society has taught them - rightly or wrongly, they embody the values that are espoused by those around them. Everytime I read about a school violence - be it in Colorado, or California, or even Pennsylvania, I realize that the same words will be spouted by the television heads - we have to have counsellors and people in place to be aware... and all that... it's been three years since Columbine, I haven't seen or heard much positive development in terms of displaying greater leadership awareness towards our youth. How does gun control (or more correctly, the lack thereof) help defuse school/youth violence? How does having more and more security around the school help defuse the situation? There are places in the American nation where it would appear that schools and government is willing to spend big bucks to put in a security system, but won't spend money to develop youth programs... I think that I look towards school violence as a challenge. It's not just a challenge for teachers and students. It's a challenge for society - to make a direct and concerted effort to pprovide not only guidance to the youth of this country, but to provide them with role models. Don't just preach non-violence and responsibility to them. Walk the walk, and talk the talk. We, as society, need to remember that, the youth of today and tomorrow, are our responsibility. We are responsible for their upbringing. When violence happens within our schools, our homes, and our towns, don't look far away for the mitigating factors, rather, look at yourselves. April 26, 2001 22.20 EDT I knew ten months ago that this day would come. Her patience is endless. My responsibilities endless as well. How ironic... I can move out, but I would have to continue supporting the household. Half of my salary would never belong to me. I'd be worse off than that of a student. One day, I shall save up enough to escape this deathless life. It is bitter knowledge I have gained. That my faults would drive her to excess. That my failings reflect upon her, and she escapes them through excess. That her excesses are my doings as well. I would do well to remember that the failings of the father reflect upon the son, and the failings of the son - they are the burdens of the father. There is no doctor/lawyer/architect/engineer that she can speak of to her friends. This silence is my doing. I am the end and the beginning. My failings. My silence. My pain. It is all within. Her laughter. Her words. Not merited, but one day, I shall learn to ignore them. To forget her anger, and forgive my pain. This is the price I pay. An undying debt, where the interest builds faster than your wildest dreams. Such a price. Just one more failing of my own. I wish I was a stone figure. Unyielding and uncaring of the weather. I wish that I had a million days to live the million ways I am failing. I wish for an end. If only I could just die a death to live a happy day. If only's rule my life. If only "that" hadn't happened. If only I had chosen another road. If only. If only I had enough to live on. If only. She said - go ahead, and tell your friends what you do. Don't leave anything out. Tell them how much you pay the household. Tell them. I guess the question is, what would be left unsaid? A stone wall, I wish to be a stone wall. To exist without thought. April 27, 2001 06.30 EDT Last night, I hear the most incredible news - I could move out! But I'd still have to send half my paycheque home. Oh the bitter ironies! That the one thing that remains a dim light of escape is linked to the one thing that I shall forever be responsible for. Too ironic. How strategic - I can now say that I can't f***ing affforddd to move out. July 06, 2001 14.30 EDT Words once said, cannot be undone. You cannot mend a broken mirror. Often times, words are said, but are they heard? Do we hear them with our hearts or with our minds? Do we accept them as valid points, or dismiss them as untruths? Words are sharper than a blade. They flay, they harm, they injure. When people demand an answer in the form of words, when all we've heard is unending silence, are they prepared for the knowledge that sometimes the best thing to say is: nothing? Oftentimes it is not only the speaking of words that is of import, but the actual *listening* that is even more crucial. What good are words if they fall upon deaf ears? More importantly, do we respect the words that we hear? Are we according the respect due to the speaker? Are we hearing words, and then holding them in contempt because we cannot respect the speaker of these words? Are we bringing in past history to hear present words? Everytime we hear something, do we think about our response before it's made? In this age of fast electronic communication, are we responding before we are thinking? These "e-words" cannot be retrieved once they are sent. Just as it behooves us to think before we speak, do we forget this mantra once we are seated at a computer? Are we forgetting that communication involves listening/reading much more than it does speaking/typing? July 15, 2001 00.30 EDT A year of time - life, death, is this really worth living? Why am I struggling? Every day, every day, I'm at the gym. With the exception of the time I was in California there has not been one week where I'm not there three, four, five, six times a week. "If someone says, 'You've lost weight' then it's true." It is with great bitterness that I have to hear this distinction every day, every moment. Let there never be a time where what I am seeking can be found. Great disappointments I've obviously inflict upon those around me. Another year has passed, another milestone in the evershrinking countdown of when I "must" be wed. It gives no benefit to me to know that I could have but circumstances would say otherwise. She claims it's for my own good. But is it really? Her pride? For my good? Her vainglory? For my good? Her hubris? For my good? July 25, 2001 21.30 EDT The delicious irony is almost enough to make you weep. The fact that there is very little that would strike at the core of mockery and irony better than the fact that time is fleeting. There is hardly enough time to do everything that needs to be done nevermind breathe. The relentless search for quietude ends once more in futility. The more I hear the words, the more I withdraw. How far can a Hermit crab go inside the shell? I wonder about that greatly. How far should I isolate everything before there is nothing left. Another day I shall chalk this to. Another lesson about the fact that her presence makes my life a difficult one. The sins of the father are visited upon the son. A lesson taken from Ibsen's A Doll's House. The sins of the daughter are a burden about all lives. A lesson taken from a collection of Russian Dolls. August 13, 2001 21.00 EDT It is like a bitterly sour taste left upon your tongue. Or finding that you've bitten into rotten fruit, or that the beautiful rose revealed a stinking stench. There is a sense of distaste that pervades everything. Perhaps it's the inability to compromise that really strengthens the distance of teh chasm that separates me and Her. That my plans should be subservient to hers. I wonder if there is such a thing as "mild anger" for there is no *real* resolution, rather the cold knowledge that winning a battle does not mean winning a war. So even this happy weekend - one of *the* happiest in my memory - has been tainted by the knowledge that there must always be a price paid for the joy of a moment. And indeed I would pay it thrice for another weekend like the one just past. Like having a bit of a sweet, and then being forced to regurgitate it - the taste of the sweet lingers, but it is fouled by the faint hint of bile that now fills your mouth. The whole concept of "bitter almonds" - looking good, but being detrimental to your health. Its absolute insiduousness forces a deliberate retreat from the world of living, forcing oneself to exist as opposed to live. Once more into the breach - only three and a half more months - it marks another year of struggle - another battle with the demons within. August 13, 2001 22.00 EDT Acceptance It is an ironic contrast that "Western" society prides itself on "individualism" even as it pushes itself towards a conformist reality. Many lament the the reality that that we/they are the product of mass marketing even as they immerse themselves in the realism of "pop" culture. To speak of the acceptance of differences is inherently contrasted to the reality that deviation from a standard norm is often given a jaundiced eye. Certainly, the North American concept of the "traditional" family consisting of 2.5 kids, a mother, a father, and white picket fence - an image seen so much on the television screen - was it ever real? If orientation was a "choice" as soon would argue - who would consciously make a choice to subject themselves to the ridicule 90% would impart upon the 10%? Who would be willing to place upon themselves a sign for others less accepting to use as a target? If it is *not* a "choice" and thus not something most would "choose" for themselves, then why is there no "acceptance" of the statement that this is *not* a choice - there are no "switches" to shut down, nor are there places to be "deprogrammed." Either way, why is there no acceptance? Acceptance that "choice" may be a fallable term - and that at least, the acceptance that bravery should be applauded, as opposed to being condemned as idiocy. Acceptance - sought but rarely given. September 11, 2001 11.00 EDT A flurry of bombings and hijackings across the Eastern seaboard of the USA has left me reeling in the sheer lack of conscience terrorists embody. The absolute evil that is perpuatrated for the sake of telling the world their agenda astonishes me -- to draw attention to the state of a people - there are some that are resorting to the killing of many others? September 11, 2001 20.30 EDT The landscape of America was irrevocably changed when a series of cowardly attacks of terrorism were perpetrated against New York City and Washington, DC this morning. The sudden and obvious absence of the World Trade Center from the Manhatten skyline is paralleled by a loss in the national identity that New York City embodies for America. The loss of the Center and the devastation wrought against the American people is but the tip of the iceberg -- the damage done to the psyche of the people - within America and beyond - will not be fully measured until some distant day in the future. Even as the cloud of disbelief descends upon me, I can only hope that many survivors are found. The fear that these terrorists hope to inflict -- I pray that all of us as natives of this continent and "Americans" by that definition -- I hope that this fear and loss of confidence -- is transformed into resolve and determination. There are many that have begun pointing fingers out towards those that would inflict this grevious harm upon innocents, but rather than search for people/governments/regimes to blame, extend that same hand in aid in the search for survivors. September 12, 2001 09.00 EDT Although I cannot remember the first "Day of Infamy" -- I am certain, that yesterday, and the days that will follow will be etched into the memories of this generation. Along with the events of Oklahoma City, Columbine, and those moments in time where everything stopped and all we could do, was watch and then recoil in horror at the tragedy unfolding. For those that appeared to be "celebrating" -- as shown on news footage reels, I find it repugnant that even as we may not agree on our points of view -- have we denigrated so far as to lack the most basic of human emotions -- that of compassion? The loss of life will number into the hundreds if not thousands due to the targets chosen. I cannot fathom, nor shall I try to, how people can on one hand, speak of this as being "deserved" against a people, and on the other hand, decry their own situation as being "undeserved." For those that offered "congratulatory" remarks to these terrorists -- I am left empty. I struggle to understand -- for those people pictured on the news reeels as "dancing" or "cheering" at these bombings and the carnage that has been inflicted upon the people of New York City and Washington DC, and upon the people of this continent -- how easy it seems for them to separate their own lives from those here across the ocean. The deplorable violence that has been ongoing in the Middle East -- more than once, have news reporters shown images of throngs of crowds mourning the death of one person. I have not seen footage of those "on the other side" dancing in presumed joy. Was it because this was the "Evil US" that there was this flurry of not only unseemly, but non-human joy at another nations' grief? Are we, as the human race, so isolated from one another that we cannot even find within ourselves, the realization that what we saw on the television screens and heard upon the radio waves, was the death of many hundreds of people at that moment? I could not believe it during the first instances of recieving this truly unwanted knowledge - but I cannot deny the reality of the tragedy that has happened. I would never wish this upon any other person, or nation, but to have it shown to the world that there _are_ some people "out there" that do a dance of "joy" upon the death of innoncents -- that is something that is just flabberghasting. I offer my prayers and thoughts to all of those struggling to make sense of what has happened yesterday. To the families, friends, and coworkers of those that were lost yesterday, they have my deepest sympathies and sorrow. September 15, 2001 21.00 EDT The talk of a "war" on terrorism evokes more than a prolonged and multi- faceted battle against a shadow figure. Too many are speaking of simply aiming a nuclear weapon, or conventional bomb(s) at the region... December 10, 2001 09.00 EDT It is a certain type of person that does not recognize their own faults and chooses to ignore those that would point out these problems. To try and deflect this blame onto others is not a sign of good leadership, but that of a poor and _insecure_ manager. I find it extremely disturbing to know that someone serving in a professional capacity - known in the industry for almost 30 years -- is now being accused of incompetency and insubordination, not to mention leaving the company "liable" to losses due to revenue loss and increased expenditures. These charges are not only baseless but seem to be empty of substance -- I find it difficult to believe that someone serving in a professional capacity for the company would _not_ want to minimize costs - to production/fabrication time as well as elsewhere... January 01, 2002 08.30 EDT How do you describe something that you have no words for? How do you catch the ephemeral? Where do you start in a story that really has no beginning and no real end? When did you first know? What did you first do? Who did you first tell? These are D's questions for personal identity. These are my questions for life. March 24, 2001; April 8, 2001; May 3-14, 2001, August 11-12, 2001; September 29, 2001, December 29, 2001-January 6, 2002. Every date is a milestone in a search for something that I didn't know was missing. July 27, 2002 12.40 EDT Today is the fifth day of the World Youth Day 2002 gatherings currently ongoing in Toronto. It will be capped by a 6-8 kilometre pedestrian pilgrimmage from the downtown core to the second event site: Downsview Park where a large stage has been set up for the Papal vigil tonight, and the Papal mass tomorrow. This gathering of the world's Roman Catholic youth from all corners of the world, has done much to highlight the position that faith has to play in our day to day lives. During the week, it's been an intensely formed discussion about what would constitute - "catholic youth" -- noting the subtle difference between catholic with a small "c" and Catholic with the capital "c." There are those that would suggest that the two meanings are interchangeable, but reality tends to speak otherwise. catholic: Of broad or liberal scope; comprehensive and; Catholic: Of or involving the Roman Catholic Church. Of or relating to the universal Christian church. Of or relating to the ancient undivided Christian church. Of or relating to those churches that have claimed to be representatives of the ancient undivided church. Source: Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc. Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc. It seems that the Roman Catholic church has not lived up to the meaning of "catholic" - being less than liberal and broad of scope, as the years pass. There are so many questions and challenges posed to the Church, yet there appear to be few answers in coming. The gathering of youth that I witnessed this week, was truly catholic in all meanings - the size and breadth of lives being brought together for this historic moment, could not be duplicated in any other forum. It's not only a question of relevance, but reality as well. In a perfect world, by observing the religious teachings of G-d's Word, we would be much more happier and satisfied than what our reality presents with us. Much of the many traditions and histories related to the Roman Catholic Church which are aestheticallly pleasing to its adherents, are also the boundaries that limit change from within. Is the worldly image of the church so important that the hierarchy within is unable to accept questions about its role? The fact that we (as Catholics) appear to be bound by almost two thousand years of history decries the need for a greater dialogue between "Church" and all its members. Have we become so engrossed in the pomp and circumstance of church proceedings as to blindly forget the true message of G-d's Word? To love your fellow man as thyself. To love one another. Yet in this modern church, or at least, the teachings espoused by so many, would see that simple message of loving one another, become appended by limitations. Is the Church so unsure of itself that it is not willing to have dialogue? Prefering to be deliberately deaf to questions posed by others? Is the collectively faith not sufficiently strong to allow for challenges to our beliefs? As individuals Catholics, are we merely living the surface rules as described in the Testaments? Or are we living its intent? I wonder if this week could be seen as a renewal of faith in your "fellow man" and in G-d, but not necessarily in the Church (as an institution). The pledging of troth to the fundamental messages of love and peace have not changed, but whether the actions of catholic-minded youth continue within the boundaries of the Catholic church or beyond the Church, that remains to be seen. August 22, 2002 23.25 EDT What's membership that must be conferred? Where's the distinction between the have and have nots? And what's a list of those that are "haves"? Is it complete? Is it the truth? Does it represent only a slice in time where honour was found and given away? What do the letters really mean? Is there a benefit that is not seen? Where do you realize that there's a sense of loss. Moreover, for something you never had. Do you aspire for the likes of others? Or are your dreams, really your own?