Untitled - September 4, 1999

To treasure the days
that once were
I keep
a calender -
when I might has seen a movie
when I might have had a lunch
when I might have enhoyed a day
and I treasure these days
because I can count them
on two hands
but never three
and never again.

I have four, no five
of such calenders
each year
carrying the days
that I might have lived
a day or two

My days are filled now
with mindless work
with thoughtless chores
that fill but do not sustain.

My mind struggles
to not think,
just do, 
don't feel,
just do,
don't talk,
just do,
don't emote,
just do.

To not feel - the ultimate in protections;
to no emote - the utmost in skill.

I too, look towards the day
where I can leave the life
that is my sham
the hoax that has lasted
for so long.

There comes a time
where I won't be needed,
hated, loved, or sought
- I am waiting for that day.

So that my relief will
be palpable
and my sorrow
intangible.

I am waiting.

I will be patient.