Ask -- August 8, 1998

People often wonder why do I
indulge upon the forbidden --
why do I immerse myself in 
my anime, my fan-fiction,
my comics or my 'interests'
as they were.

I cannot tell them that 
this is Escapism at its max.

People often ask me why do I
act so anxious to see others
happy

and I canot tell them
that that is the only moment
where I can see -- happiness
for there is none in my own life

And people ask: why are you so formal

and I cannot tell them
that this keeps them safe --
from my pain, 
my anger,
my failures in the world

and they ask: why not let go of the anger

and I cannot say
on with anger and despair
do I still know
that I am living

And people ask: what are your dreams

and I cannot answer;
those without feeling
cannot dream

Once I dreamt of life
beyond the first quarter

but now, I don't thnk
that my parents should
seek children of my body --
such is the chillingness
that freezes my soul
-- eternally captive in
a frozen state

I can only imagine their
shock 
anger
disbelief
to hear that their daughter
is not normal but ____
but perhaps it is better
that I seek love 
elsewhere
than believed

Bondmates and childmates
to borrow words from Herriot
-- something I cannot seek