A screen door stops squealing when you lubricate it.
What is the difference between a Ritz and a lesbian?
One is a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker!
How can a woman tell if she is having a really great orgasm?
Her husband wakes up.
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawn mower?
The green "Welcome" mat is ripped all to shreds.
How can you tell when a blonde has used your computer?
Whiteout all over the screen.
A Man walks into an attorney's office.
"My wife says she wants a divorce."
"Why does she say she wants a divorce?"
"I don't know, she says we have a communication problem."
Why does a guy name his penis?
Because he doesn't want to leave 90% of his decisions up to a stranger.
Where does virgin wool come from?
Ugly sheep.
A guy comes home and found his body in bed with his wife so he takes him out to the barn and puts his penis in the vice and then grabs a large knife.
The guy with his dick in the vice says, " You are not going to cut my manhood off are you?"
The other guy replies, "Certainly not...I'm burning the barn down.
What's the world's biggest drawback?
An Elephants foreskin.
Why do condoms have a bubble on the end?
To put your foot on when taking it off.
What's a peroxide blonde and an airplane got in common?
They both have a black box.
What's a 2" penis and a Cobra got in common?
Nobody wants to screw with either of them !!
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A lemon.
"What do a blow job and Eggs Benedict have in common?
They are two things a man will never get at home!
When the husband tried to get a little, his wife pleaded, "Not tonight, please, I'm too tired, I just finished laundering the sheets."
So he said, "Then I guess I'll play solitaire."
She begged, "Not tonight, please.....I just laundered the sheets."
Two babies were talking in the crib. One said, "I'll bet I'm gonna have rheumatism some day, because my mother hates pants, and when I get scared, I have to hide behind her naked legs."
The other baby gurgled, "I've already got stomach trouble, because my Mom runs around topless, and I have to drink cold milk."
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
At least a prostitute stops screwing you when you are dead!
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How can you breath through that little thing?"
What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a Hells Angel?
Someone who comes up to your door and tells you to fuck off.
Why are women perfect?
They can make milk without eating hay, bleed without getting cut and bury bones without digging holes.
Here I sit broken hearted,
try to shit but only farted.
Hour later took a chance,
tried to fart, and shit my pants.
What does baghdad and hiroshima have in common?
Nothing, yet!
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice!
What's the difference between someone
driving a Mercedes and sticking your hand down the front of your pants?
There’s a bigger dick driving a Mercedes!
What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you!
How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from!
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife died!
What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Pee Wee Herman in their holding cell at the jail?
"Stop playing with my lunch”
What is the difference between tampons and cellular phones ?
Cellular phones are for assholes!
How do you get a horny dog to stop humping on your leg?
Pick him up and start sucking his dick.
Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after eating!
What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?
The Spice Girls!
How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count?
His girlfriend has to chew before swallowing!
What do you call a truck driver with a load of sheep headed for Montana?
A pimp.
What should you do if your girlriend starts smoking?
Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride!
How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a blender!
What is the result if you take a viagra with a valium?
If you don't get a fuck you don't give a fuck.
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted!
What was john denvers last hit?
The Pacific Ocean!
What was the last thing that went through John Denver's mind before he died?
The propeller!
What were the two design flaws that plagued John Denver’s experimental plane?
It wouldn’t fly and it wouldn’t float!
Two Dallas Cowboys were in a car. Who was driving?
The cops!
How many pentium chip designers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1,99904274017; but that’s close enough for non-technical people.
What was Gianni Versace’s last line?
Chalk!
What is does Bigamy and monogamy have in common?
In each case you have one wife/husband to many!
Why was Gianni Versace killed?
He wanted Cunanan to model for him and asked for two head shots.
What did marv albert say when NBC gave him the pink slip?
Thanks, but I already have one.
How did Mike Tyson learn to bite ears?
How else do you tell a 325 pound inmate that “no means no”.
Why did the redneck wrap his hamster in duct tape?
So it wouldn’t explode when he fucked it!
What’s the difference between a wife and jello?
Jello moves when you eat it!
What is another word for lesbian?
Vagitarian
How can you spot a talented prostitute?
It only takes her two licks to get to the center of a blow pop!
Why was the cloning of a sheep by scottish scientists so surprising?
Because scotsmen have been fooling around with sheep for years, but it is the first time they ever got one pregnant.
Did you hear that President Clinton was out for his morning jog when someone threw a beer at him?
It was a draft, so he dodged it.
What did Bill Clinton do after the first abortion bill crossed his desk?
He paid it!
Why do political sex scandals always seem to involve democrats?
Who would risk their career for a piece of elephant?
What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One of them is white, plastic and dangerous around young kids. The other, you put groceries in.
What does Michael Jackson do in the bathtub?
Blow bubbles!
What are two things that O.J. Simpson has that every man wants?
A heisman trophy and a dead ex-wife.
What’s the difference between O.J. Simpson and Colonel Sanders?
Colonel Sanders cuts up his chicks before he batters them.
Did you hear that O.J. Simpson’s eldest son is the one who killed Nicole and Ron?
Apparently, he went to O.J. and said, “Dad, can i borrow the Bronco? O.J. replied, “I dunno, go axe Nicole
Did you hear that O.J. Simpson is starting a limo service?
He guarantees that he’ll get you there with plenty of time to kill!
Why did the bald man cut a hole in his pants pocket?
He wanted to run his fingers through his hair!
What has six boobs and three teeth?
The night shift at an Arkansas Waffle House.
Why do West Virginians prefer the doggy style position for lovemaking?
That way they can both watch wrestlin’ on TV.
What is considered Foreplay in Arkansas?
Hey, Sis are you awake?
How does a girl from Memphis practice safe sex?
She locks the car door.
What did the Arkansas girl say when she lost her virginity?
"Get off me Daddy, you're crushin' my cigarettes."
"Git 'n the truck bitch"
What do West Virginians think W.I.C. stands for?
"Welfare is Cool"
What does an Oklahoma family tree look like?
A wreath
How do you compliment a girl in Arkansas?
"nice tooth"
How can you tell if a West Virginian girl is a virgin?
She can outrun her brothers!
Why is a motorcycle better than a woman?
You can ride a motorcycle any time of the month.
Why can’t blondes water ski?
As soon as their crotches get wet, they think they have to lie down.
How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm?
Wipe your dick on the curtains.
Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead?
The blonde - she is eighteen.
How can you tell if a man is horny?
He's breathing.
What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley?
The position of the dirtbag.
What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.
What's 12 inches long and hangs in front of an ass hole.
CLINTON’s tie.
What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?
A man will spend 20 minutes looking for the golf ball.
How do you circumcise a redneck?
Kick his sister in the chin.
Why was the blonde's belly button sore?
Her boyfriend was a blonde also.
What part of a woman does a man like looking at best?
The top of her head.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end of it?
So men can be open minded.
What did the Hispanic fireman name his two kids?
Jose and Hose B.
What's the first thing a blonde does when she wakes up?
Walks home.
What's the difference between a whorehouse and a circus?
One is a cunning array of stunts.
What do you get when you cross a yeast infection and an achy breakey heart?
An itchy twitchy crotch.