"Was she surprised?" asked Batman.

Superman replied, "Not half as surprised as the Invisible Man."

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him   to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the  BEER for?"

At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to  the door.  The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse!!!  I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"

Lone Ranger and Tonto were out in the desert.  Lone Ranger asked Tonto for the time. Tonto takes off his loin cloth, sporting a proud erection.  Tonto looks at the shadow of his erection and says "It's 3:15".

The Lone Ranger checks his watch. Sure enough, it's 3:15.

Some time later the Lone Ranger again asks Tonto for the time. Again Tonto takes off his loin cloth, checks the shadow, and says "5:20".

Sure enough it's 5:20.

Later that night, the Lone Ranger walks into Tonto's teepee and catches him stroking himself. The Lone Ranger asks Tonto, what he is doing!

Tonto explains "me wind'em watch!".

There was a woman who was married to an Italian for over 50 years when she told him she wanted a divorce. Totally shocked, he asked her what was wrong and she said that she just wanted a divorce. He suggested that they see a marriage counselor first and she reluctantly agreed.

They went to the office of the counselor and he suggested that he interview the woman first, in private, while her husband stayed in the waiting room. He asked her what the problems were and she said, "Two things. He constantly picks his nose and he will never let me get on top when we make love - not once in 50 years."

"Those don't appear to be irreconcilable differences to me. A compromise of some kind should be possible", advised the marriage counselor. "Why don't you step out and allow me to speak with your husband."

After the Italian had seated himself, the counselor stated, "Your wife told me that she wants a divorce because you constantly pick your nose and you will never let her get on top when you make love. Can you explain this behavior to me?"

"Of course", replied the Italian, "I have always followed the advice my father gave me before I left the old country. He said, 'Son, you're going to America. It is the land of opportunity. Anything is possible. You can do anything and be anything you can imagine, just keep your nose clean and don't f*&k up!"

A friend of mine got married recently.  On his wedding night he walked in to the bridal suite and his wife is lying there on the bed, naked, waiting for him.  Walking past her he picks up his fishing rod and tackle box and leaves the room.

Later by the side of the River,  the bestman is walking with the  maid of honor, trying desperately to get inside her panties when they come across the groom fishing.

"What the hell are you doing here", asked the bestman, "Shouldn't you be with your wife giving her a good time ?"

"I can't", replied the groom.  "She's got gonorrhea."

"Well, for Christ's sake", says the bestman, "What about anal sex ?"

"I can't", replied the groom.  "She's got diarrhea."

"Oh man", says the bestman, "Well oral sex...get her to give you a hummer at least".

"I can't" replied the groom.  "She's got pyorrhea"

"Oh for God's sake", exclaims the bestman, "what the hell did you marry her for ?"

"The Worms" the groom replied.

There was an elder man in his eighties having a birthday.  His friends wanted to surprise him with a hooker so they hid her in his room.  After the party was over they told him of a special gift in his room.  The old man climbed the stairs and opened the door to his room.  There standing naked in the middle of the room stood a beautiful girl.  "What do you have for me?" asked the old man.  "Super-sex"  cooed the young thing.  The old man stopped and thought , then said "I'll have the soup."
The blonde goes to the Doctor.  "Doctor, Doctor....I hurt all over".

Dr. says....."Show me dear, juz exactly what hurts?"

She holds up her elbow and pushes on it "It hurts here Doctor" and then she touched her arm , "and here....it really hurts here."

Hmmmmmm said the Dr... "Anywhere else?"

"Oh yes" she said  " and it hurts here" <touching her knee>

Dr. looks at her thoughtfully and asks, "Tell me darlin, are you a NATURAL blonde?"

Batting her eyelashes and giving him a winning smile......she says, "Yes I am....what do you think is wrong with me??"

The doctor picked up her chart and wrote, "SPRAINED FINGER"

In the middle of a large clearing in this African village were 20 men, arranged in a circle facing inwards.  Inside the circle was another circle of 20 women facing outward.  The women were on their knees, while the men were standing.  All of the men and women are naked.  And standing off to one side is an old man with a drum.

"OK, so what's going to happen now?" a Russian asks.

"You see the man with the drum?" an African replies.  "When he starts beating the drum, the men start to rotate in a circle around the circle of women.  When the drum stops, each man gets a blowjob from the woman in front of him."

"But where's the fun, the excitement, the RISK?" the Russian says, gasping. "It all sounds so tame.  Nothing like Russian Roulette."

"Ah..." the African says with a grin.  "What you do not yet know is that ONE of those girls is from a tribe of Cannibals!"

There once was an army major who's wife had been hearing all about the fantastic biscuits that they ate on the base. Astounded by all of the compliments, she asked her husband to take her on the base and let her speak to the cook. She wanted to know how he managed to cook such good biscuits.
So the major did as she asked, and took her to the base and into the kitchen.

"Cookie," the Major said, "my wife wants to know how you manage to cook such good biscuits. What's your secret?"

The cook gladly demonstrated the feat by pulling up his greasy shirt, slapping a handful of raw dough against his belly button, tearing off the formed dough, and throwing it in a pan. The Major and his wife were aghast!

"My god, Cookie, why in the world do you do it that way?" the Major asked.

"You see, Sir," the cook said, "when you have to cook for as many as I do, you find you must use the quickest way you can find to get things done."

"Now look here, Cookie," the Major said. "You know perfectly well you have a special tool for that job!  Why aren't you using it?"

"But Sir, I do use my tool!" the cook said. "Why, you should have been here two night ago when I was making doughnuts!"

Two friends had died in accident and were on their way to heaven. When they arrived, they noticed that everyone had clocks on top of their foreheads.

The first of two friends went up to the first person they saw and asked, "Why does everyone have a clock on top of his head?".
The person replied, "Well, those clocks show how many times you have masturbated".

So the first of two friends looks at his clock and sees the long hand pointing at three and says "Oh, then I jerked off three times".

But when the second friend looks to see his clock, he notices it's not there.  When he asks why, the person replies, "Oh your clock....they're using it as a fan in the kitchen!!!"

Two Briars went hunting.  When one of them saw a bush move, he thought it was a deer and shot it.  But he was astounded to discover he had shot his hunting partner instead.

After getting his partner to the hospital and waiting for several hours, he finally encountered the doctor coming out of the emergency room.

"Is he going to make it, Doc?" the Briar asks anxiously.

"Well," the doctor says, "I do believe he's going to recover.  But it would have been a hell of a lot better if you hadn't field-dressed him first!"

A Man is walking along a beach, stumbles over a bottle half buried in the sand, picks it up and as he brushes the sand off a genie appears.

The Genie says, "You have three wishes, but, before you ask, there is one thing that I must tell you....What ever you wish for, all the lawyers in the world will get two of the same thing."

The man happily replies, "No problem."

The man says, "For my first wish I want a new Ferrari."

POOF! It appears on the sand in front of him.

"For my second wish, I want 10 million dollars."

POOF! A large case appears in the passenger seat of the Ferrari

The Genie looks at the man and says, "Sir, you have one wish left...choose wisely....."

The man thinks for several minutes and says, "You know, I've always wanted to be a kidney donor....."

A middle aged woman, fed up with having small breasts, tells her husband she is getting a boob job.

"Oh, honey," says the husband, "you don't need to do that.  Besides boob jobs are expensive and dangerous.  Here is what you should do instead.  Twice a day, take toilet paper and rub it vigorously between your breasts.  It will take a while, but your breasts will grow."

The woman couldn't believe what she was hearing, "That is absolutely absurd!  Rubbing toilet paper between my breasts will NOT make them grow!"

The husband looked at his wife and replied, "Well, dear, it sure seemed to work for your ass!"

WHAT IS GROSSER THAN GROSS?!?

Waking up in the morning with a lump in your throat and a
string in your mouth.

Finding pubic hair in your bloody mary.

Kissing your Great-aunt Millie and she slips you the tongue.

Throwing your underwear against the wall and having them stick.

Two toothless vampires fighting over a used tampon.

Biting into a hotdog and finding veins.

Dreaming you ate chocolate pudding and waking-up with a spoon in your butt.

You open the fridge and the rump roast farts at you!

There was an English, Irish and Scottish guy trapped on top of a cliff which had crumbled away leaving them stranded, with no way
down except to jump they all started to get a bit worried. Suddenly the English guy spots a lamp which he proceeded to rub out of
desperation. POP ! Out comes a Genie who says "I will grant you each a choice of what you would like to land on when you jump from this cliff..."

The English guy runs to the edge and shouts out "PILLOWS" and falls off to land in a mass of pillows.

The Scottish guy takes a run up and shouts "WHISKEY" and lands in a pool of Whiskey.

The Irish guy takes a run up, trips on a stone near the edge and screams "Shit...."

A business man was visiting clients in Japan.

One evening he fancied a prostitute, so he went down to the local red light district and picked up a prostitute, and they
proceeded back to the hotel.

They got into bed and started screwing away.

Whilst this was going on the prostitute was shouting "YAGASAKI !!! YAGASAKI !!!!"

Business man thought he was a brilliant,  most talented lover and was giving this woman the fuck of her career.

Anyway next day he was playing golf with a few of his clients, a Japanese client tee's off and hits a hole in one! The business
man thought he would show his appreciation and shouted "YAGASAKI !!!"

The Japanese client replies "What do you mean wrong hole?

There was a Koala Bear who was approached by a prostitute one day. He had never been with a prostitute before, so curious and excited, the Koala spent the night with her and had a GREAT time...

The next morning, he went down on her one last time before departing. After he's done, Koala headed for the door and was about to
leave when the prostitute yelled,...."hey...what about my money?"

Confused, the koala turned around, gave her a puzzled look, shrugging his shoulders, and replied "Huh?"

"Come here..." she said and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to the word "prostitute" and its definition:  "has sex
and gets paid."

Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to the word Koala and showed her its definition: "eats bush and leaves."

The Bride and Groom decided to hold the wedding reception at their new home.  This proved to be a mistake, because as the hour grew late, the newlyweds go hornier and hornier, but the guests didn't act like they wanted to leave.

Around midnight, the bride cornered her groom and whispered, "I'll make like I'm passing out from all the punch, and you carry me into the bedroom."

The trick worked, and later the bridegroom went back to the party. "She's all right," he announced, "I gave her First Aid."

One of the groomsmen snickered, "Don't look now, Mr. Life Guard, but your First Aid Kit is unzipped!"

A man took his young beautiful wife for a ride in his new sporty convertible. The man got a bit carried away and he was doing about
140mph down the country lane. And all a sudden, the brake didn't work and the car crashed straight into a big tree. Luckily, they both
survived the crashed, but his wife's face was covered in cuts and bruises.

Then the man decided to take his wife to the doctor to see what can be done about her face. The surgeon said to the man, "Well, that won't be much of a problem... It'll cost you $3000 and I'll need a bit of skin off your backside for grafting." Then the man replied, "Its definitely worth it!"

Three weeks later, the wife fully recovered and looked better than ever.  So the man went back to the doctor to pay him. He got there and wrote a check for $4000 and handed it to the doctor. The doctor looked at it and said, "You have paid me a $1000 extra!"

The man replied, "Well, you did an excellent job, and its worth it just to see my mother-in-law kiss my ass!"

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy  godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old  woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh--can you  change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF*** there  before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could  possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten.  With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.

A guy walks into a bar, tells the bartender to give him a glass of whiskey,  after doing so, he looks at his shirt pocket,  he does
this about ten times,  the bartender finally asks, "why do you keep doing that?"  the guy replies, "I have a picture of my wife in this
pocket,  and I keep on drinking until she looks pretty, then I go home."

An Eskimo's snowmobile breaks down and he takes it to the mechanic. The mechanic bends down, looks at the snowmobile, then at the Eskimo and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."

The Eskimo replies, "Nah, it's just frost on my mustache."

This newly married couple is making love every night.  Eventually they have kids.  So they feel they have to make up a term for making
love so the kids won't figure out what they are saying. After some thought they decided on "let's do the laundry".

One night the whole family had just finished eating dinner and the husband says to the wife, "hey darling let's do the laundry." The wife replies, "Not right now I'm not feeling too well, maybe later."

Later, the whole family is watching T.V. and the wife whispers to the husband "let's go and do the laundry."  Smiling, the husband says "no that's O.K. I only had a small load and I did it by hand."

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful
princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and
turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week". The boy took the frog out, smiled and put it back into
is pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week
and do ANYTHING you want". Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked,
"What is it? I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and will do ANYTHING you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for girlfriends but a TALKING Frog is really cool!"

This couple in their early eighties get married, so that night she goes into the bathroom and gets undressed and gets into bed.  So then he goes into the bathroom and does the same, when he walks out of the bathroom, he sees his new wife standing on her head in the middle of the bed.       He asks her " what are you doing."   She replied "I figure if you can't get it up, you can drop it in."

The other day, I was discussing the bible with a friend, and the subject of the various translations came up.  I mentioned how the
"New American Standard" had an 11th grade reading level compared to the 4th grade level of the "Good News" bible.  Then it occurred to me that you could go one step further:  The McGuffy bible.

 See Jesus.

 Jesus Lived.

 Jesus Died.

 See Jesus Rise.

 Rise, Jesus!  Rise!