Disclaimer: The Scoop's opinions do not necessarily reflect the opinions of anybody else! However, they most likely do. December 16th - The "Scoop": The Best in Investigative Sports Reporting Wow, what a roller coaster game!!! It looked early like the Bandicoots were going to blow out the Ermine behind the stellar early play of rookie Jeff Henney! However, the Ermine showed heart and clawed their way back into the game. However, late in the 3rd quarter, Jeff Henney closed the door with 2 big defensive touchdowns off of "Colonel" Sanders interceptions. The "Scoop" admits that he blew this call, but I'm not so sure that Tomlinson wasn't paid off by somebody on the Coots'. Here is my analysis: Play of the Game: The play that really sealed the game was when Jeff Henney tipped the Sanders pass and returned it for a touchdown. That gave the Coots' a lead they would not surrender. MDP (most dominant player): Well, I'd have to give that award to Patrick Cork even though he was on the losing team. Offensively, he was their team with 24 catches and 8 touchdowns. Chris Cork had one of his worst games, showing that he has lost a step. However, Chris will be back next year to redeem himself. He did a good job blocking. Jeff Henney is the defensive MDP with his 3 defensive scores and 12 tackles. Congrats guys! LDP (least dominant player): This award is starting to sound like a broken record. Sorry, Tomlinson, but you just couldn't cover Kevin Ryan...which, I don't understand. You're a good athlete, but you just don't get it done on the football field. I'm hoping that you will have a big game next year with your new breathing system that was installed yesterday. Really, the only advice I can give you is to tuffen' up buttercup! WWF award: This award goes to the biggest cheap shot and this one was a tuff decision. On the last play of the game, both Chis Cork (what else would you expect) and Greg Howard just hit opposing players Jeff Henney and "Colonel" Sanders. Cork's hit, while cheap was at least seen coming by Henney. Howard's hit was horrible. He hit an already ailing Sanders' in his sore back. As far as I'm concerned the steroid abusing Howard should be thrown out of the league!!! Cork should be fined heavily as this was just another on a long list of cheap shots for him! Player Grades: Team Grade for Bandicoots: The Coots' played great on defense, rendering Chris Cork ineffective for much of the game. Offensively they struggled at times, but made enough plays to win the game. Offensive grade is a B- and defensive grade is an A. The Coots' had too many times where they did not score to earn any higher grade on offense. Willy Truitt: Not one of Willy's best games, but he did keep the turnovers down in adverse field conditions. He played his best game ever on defense and showed that he is getting much bigger physically. Offensively, Willy earns a B average and defensively he earns an A-. Reggie Truitt: Reg was not feeling well but still had 12 catches, though only one for a touchdown. He was tough on defense though. Patrick Cork had a lot of catches, but was usually hit and hit hard almost immediately. Reg earns a B on offense and an A- on defense. Kevin Ryan: Kevin had a huge game, his best game ever in Cork Bowl. He had 13 catches to lead his team and several touchdowns. He did have several drops though, and that keeps him from earning an A. Kevin gets a B+ on offense. His defense was pretty solid as well, however, he was usually covering Ryan Tomlinson so that doesn't really count. He earns a B on defense. Greg Howard: Greg was pretty much shut down on offense this year. He expended a lot of energy on defense, so maybe that should be expected. However, 4 catches doesn't get the job done, although it should be noted that all of his catches were for touchdowns. Greg had several dropped passes and usually wasn't open at all. Greg earns a D+ for his offense. Howard was a force on defense though, making Sanders throw the ball earlier than he would have liked. He also punished the blockers with his physical style and was largely responsible for taking Chris Cork out of the game by making him stay in and block. Greg earns an A on defense. Jeff Henney:
Well, the skinny on Henney is that he is good. Qucik and strong
with good hands, Henney is the only double A award winner on
either squad. Henney didn't drop hardly any passes, was open
often, and was a strong runner after the catch. His defense
was impressive as well. He had 12 tackles and 3 interceptions
for touchdowns. He was game MVP and showed that a rookie can
excel in Cork Bowl. Henney earns an A on both offense
and defense! Ermine team grade: The Ermine did not play well on offense this year. They had 6 turnovers and did not have a good scheme. I felt that they should have tried to spread the field out earlier, making the blitz come from a longer distance giving Sanders more time to make decisons and allowing Chris Cork to be a bigger factor. However, the Ermine were able to stay in the game by playing very solid defense. They didn't force many turnovers and had several interceptions that they dropped. Overall, their defense was excellent. They earn a C+ on offense and an A- on defense. Josh Helton: Helton really suprised me. He had two early drops but recovered to have a solid game on offense. Not known for his hands, he improved greatly from last year. He didn't have many catches, but he was blocking Greg Howard most of the game and taking punishment for that. Helton showed that he is a solid defensive player as well, which shocked me! He made a lot of tackles and did a nice job at the safety position. However, he did drop two sure interceptions. Helton earns a B on both offense and defense, as well as most improved player. Chris Cork: Chris Cork was taken out of this game because he had to help out on the blocking. Chris did a good job blocking, but this is not where he excels. When he was thrown the ball he caught it and made a few nice catches. However, he was not the factor that he usually is on offense. Cork had a nice game on defense, leading his team in tackles. Not the most punishing tackler, but an effective tackler. Chris earns a C+ on offense and an A- on defense. "Colonel" Sanders: Sanders stuggled at the quarterback position all day long. When he had time, he made some beautiful passes, but seldomly was given enough time. Much like Kurt Warner, the hits took a toll on him. He threw 6 interceptions which won't get the job done. Defensively, I can't remember Sanders hurting his team or doing anything spectacular. He was "Even Steven" Sanders on defense!! I can't help but wonder if the KFC dinner caused the ball to slip out of his hands causing a few of the interceptions??? Sanders earns a C on offense and a B on defense. Patrick Cork: Patrick was his team on offense. He had 24 catches and only dropped one ball that I can think of. Truly amazing considering the field conditons. He has become the premier receiver in the league now that Kirby Newell has retired and Chris Cork has slipped a few notches. Patrick just makes plays on offense. Defensively Patrick pretty well shut down Greg Howard. He is a good cover man, but didn't really make a lot of tackles this year. Patrick was the Ermine's MVP earning an A+ on offense and a B+ on defense. Ryanna Tomlinson: What can you say about Tomlinson that hasn't already been said? On offense, he drops touchdowns. On defense, he gives up touchdowns. Tomlinson did do a good job snapping the ball, though he doesn't use textbook form. He also had a few nice blocks. In Tomlinson's defense, he isn't thrown the ball very often. However, you have to earn that right. On defense, Tomlinson struggles mightily! He couldn't cover his own shadow. He earns a D+ on offense and a D on defense. Step it up next year or else you might not get invited to play again! Grade of announcers: Coach Cork, please give somebody else a chance
to talk!!! That was ridiculous the way you cut Newell off all
of the time. Also, concentrate on the game and not the little
baby or the barking dog! Grade of Cameraman: Wow, what can you say about Josh Massey?? He doesn't miss any of the action. He just does a wonderful job and we are so pleased that he comes out and films. He earns an A+!!! The two Mrs. C's post game meal: As always, excellent. With a second Mrs. C in the equation, the food just gets better. Another A+ for the ladies (not including Ryana). Overall, another stellar Cork Bowl. Field conditons were rough but the players fought through them. I'm just so flattered to have been there. Oh yeah, and for those of you who haven't figured it out, I was there disguised as Ross Massey, avoiding any attempts on my life!! Ha, Ha, Ha, I fooled you guys!!!! And for the hosts of TMNS, I just want you to know that the "Scoop" is going to be around for a long, long time and you'd better hope you didn't upset me too much because I'll come after ya if I get too angry!!! Ya WIMPS!! Have a good off-season and don't be afraid to actually practice catching the ball guys! Signing off, The "Scoop" AND THAT'S THE LATEST "SCOOP" December 14th - The "Scoop": The Best in Investigative Sports Reporting Okay betters, here it the official line on this year's game (Cork Bowl 11). After some extensive research on Jeff Henney and on "Colonel" Sanders' injury, the line has dropped from the Ermine being favored by 19.5 points, to only being favored by 6 points. Take a gamble and place a bet. AND THAT'S THE LATEST "SCOOP" December 11th - The "Scoop": The Best in Investigative Sports Reporting I recently received this letter and thought you all might like to see it. Dear "Scoop", I'm a long time reader and first time writer.
I love your articles. The facts that you dig up amaze and amuse
me. Just the other day I was reading an old Robinson Daily News
about last year's game. Greg Howard had a big R.T. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- I believe that this year's MVP award is wide open. It is always a wise choice to bet on one of the Cork brothers or Willy Truitt. I highly doubt that Greg will win the award this year because we all know that last year was a fluke. Ryan Tomlinson might be a wise choice. Compared to his performances of the past, I figure if he gets four catches, a touchdown, and two tackles that would be such an improvement that he could be considered. Josh Helton, I wouldn't bet on him either. Kevin Ryan could be a possibility if he gets enough balls thrown his way. Reggie Truitt, I don't know.......he could have a big game if Tomlinson covers him. If I was going to bet, I'd place my money on either "Colonel" Sanders or Jeff Henney. I know that "Colonel" didn't QB much last year, but he was impressive when he did. I look for him to have a big game. The other choice is Jeff Henney. I've heard that he is amazing. Nobody knows much about him, so he could be a sleeper. However he is a rookie and we know they don't fair well in Cork Bowl. Go with Henney because he can help his team win-ny! "Scoop" In other news, I would like to take a second and hype my new biography that is coming out in January. It is called "Scoopology" and covers important areas such as my family history, how I became involved in sports writing, my athletic career, why I choose not to go into professional sports even though the opportunities were many, and of course.....Cork Bowl. "Scoopology" will be available in both soft cover and hard covers. There are over 50 pictures of me and my family and the book also covers some of my favorite moments in sports history......such as when Elway led "The Drive", when "Bird stole the ball", whenever Walter Payton was on the field, and my favorite Cork Bowl memories as well. Not to mention a special section that includes "The Best of "Scoop"". This section has some of my funniest articles and most outrageous moments as a writer. You can pre-order you copy now for only $234.56, yes that's right, for only $234.56!!! Reserve your copy now!! It's a great book! AND THAT'S THE LATEST "SCOOP" December 10th - The "Scoop": The Best in Investigative Sports Reporting I would like to respond to Mr. Reggie Truitt's comments. Yes, I will be at Cork Bowl. However, I know that you don't have the cahones to do anything to me because you are soft, as evidenced by your Cork Bowl play. Besides, you don't know what I look like and I know you aren't smart enough to figure it out. As for me being a tall, skinny, dork who wears glasses, that description sounds like a heart throb to me! I often question as to how Willy Truitt has become such a professional when his older brother and example setter is, well, quite frankly not a professional or a good example for anyone to follow. Willy, I would like to commend you, not only on your stellar play year in and year out but also on how you've risen above the rift raft of your brother's reputation. I'm looking forward to watching you put up big numbers once again. You know, if you had Reggie's size there is no telling how dominant you would be. I've heard that there was a bit of a QB controversy surrounding your team, but I'll take Doug Flutie over Rob Johnson any day. Flutie and Willy both just win. Rob and Reg both just lose. Congrats again Willy. AND THAT'S THE LATEST "SCOOP" December 8th - The "Scoop": The Best in Investigative Sports Reporting I recently received this message from Chris Cork. He was so flattered that he didn't know what to say and sent it to me for a reaction. Here's the letter. Dear Chris, I'm your biggest fan and a huge follower of Cork Bowl. I live year-round for this one-day event just waiting to see highlights of you dominating yet another game. You are easily the greatest football player I have ever seen. How your one-on-one matchups with Kirby Newell have not been replayed endlessly on ESPN Classic, I will never know. How can they call it "Classic Sports" and exclude the greatest rivalry of the two greatest players in the history of sports? Anyway, I heard a rumor somewhere about this Josh Williamson situation. The buzz is that Williamson and Greg had a, how should I call it, lovers' quarrel and that's what *really* led to the change in teams. Any truth to the story? Bob ---------------- Dear Bob, After a great deal of questioning, interviewing, and making stuff up, this is what the real story is. From what I gather, Josh came home from school early. Greg was wanting to have a romantic evening with Josh and decided to suprise him in an unusual way. Josh walked into his apartment and Greg was lying there wearing Josh's own silk panities and Josh got upset about it. Rather than trying to talk things out like men, the two acted quite harshly to each other. Apparently Josh pulled Greg's hair. Then Greg slapped Josh. Nobody knows for sure what happened next but Josh Williamson has not been heard from since. Josh is rumored to have said, "We're through, you need to go find you another man. And you can forget about me playing in Cork Bowl. I've only done it in the past because I knew how much it meant to you. Well, not this year buddy, you can go and lose on your own. See how tuff it is without my shoulder to cry on!!!" Although this report has neither been confirmed or denied by Greg or Josh, this is the story my sources have told me. Take it for what it's worth. Oh, and Bob, I couldn't agree more with you about the Chris Cork and Kirby Newell rivalry. Classic sports is too busy showing Ali-Frazier, Bird-Magic, and Bears-Packers. Just crazy when the most startling display of athletic ability, competiveness, and winning could be displayed! Thanks for writing. "Scoop" AND THAT'S THE LATEST "SCOOP" December 7th - The "Scoop": The Best in Investigative Sports Reporting So, I'm talking to my good friend Santa (as in Claus) today. We are chit chatting like we always do when he mentioned he had received some interesting wish lists from Cork Bowl players and announcers. He shared them with me and I thought I'd share them with you. Coach Cork Josh Helton Ryan Tomlinson Kevin Ryan Willy Truitt Greg Howard Jeff Henney Colnel Sanders Patrick Cork Chris Cork Reggie Truitt Kirby Newell I figured that since you all shared your lists, I would share mine too. Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas this year. "Scoop" AND THAT'S THE LATEST "SCOOP" December 6th - THE "SCOOP": THE BEST IN INVESTIGATIVE SPORTS REPORTING Recently, Reggie Truitt has been complaining about his team. "Scoop" admits that you got the raw end of the deal Reg, but I'm tired of hearing about it. As your Cork Bowl record shows (several losses in a row, worst winning percentage of a multiple Cork Bowl player), you just need to quit whining and step up! I've been told that you claim to be "the most complete Cork Bowl player of all-time." Well, I'd have to debate that. The numbers prove otherwise. Besides, how could somebody who continually loses claim to be the most complete at anything. The only thing you are most complete in is being completely outclassed as a football player, trash talker, and most importantly of all......a LEADER!! I know the you have been struggling with some issues in your personal life and that Lincoln Grade School and Washington Grade School trying to fire you because of your "unusual sexual preference" has played on your mind. However, this incident should give you more aggression to take out during the game. I've talked with my good friend and all around great guy, Kirby Newell, and he said that he will support you through these difficult times. Now, if only you'd support your teammates and show a little faith instead of actually betting on the Ermine. You are a shame to the Cork Bowl name until you prove otherwise. Also, in response to Reggie's comments that Kirby Newell is my boyfriend, those statements are false. Mr. Newell nor myself is gay. And, if we were gay, let's be honest, Mr. Newell is way out of my league. In fact, Mr. Newell told me that he is tired of working with Reggie because Reggie is always staring at him and licking his lips. He also said that there has been an unusual amount of "accidental hiney touching." Kirby, I'd say get out while you still can!!!! AND THAT'S THE LATEST "SCOOP" December 2nd - The "Scoop": The Best in Investigative Sports Reporting First of all I would like to apologize to Patrick and Holly Cork for missing their wedding. I was unable to attend because I had to cover the Professional Bull Rider's World Cup Challange in Las Vegas last weekend. It was an entertaining time and I also won 25,000 dollars by betting on the Bears to beat the Vikings last Sunday night! Now, it has been brought to my attention that some Cork Bowl players are upset with some of the things that "Scoop" has said. Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings...Greg and Ryan. I'm sorry that your confidence has been shaken. But most of all, I'm sorry that Cork Bowl has two players as mentally weak as you two playing. I'm sorry that the fans have to watch you two bicker like little school girls over a boyfriend who doesn't even like you. I'm sorry that I have to write about players that can't even make a public complaint to me but instead complain to other players who have let it be known to me that I need to ease up. Well guess what!!! I'm not going to let up on you panzies!!! Tuff'n up butter cup. There's no crying in football, unless you're Dick Vermeil! On a new subject, it has been brought to my attention that Josh Williamson will not be able to play in this year's game. Williamson is apparently having a vasectomy that day. Not because he has any children, but because the government has ordered him to so that he will not have any children in the future. Josh, keep the ice packs on! I figure the Bandicoots are probably happy about that one and that the Ermine are upset about it. Williamson's numerous dropped balls have always been one thing the opposing team could count on. Now, the search for a replacement begins. Who will it be??? Whomever it is will probably be a big improvement for the Bandicoots! Another rumor flying around is that "Colonel" Sanders is suffering from a sore back. He says that he is going to play. But, it could affect his ability to run with the ball as well as his ability to throw the ball down the field. It will be an interesting factor in the game. ESPECIALLY WITH BIG BAD GREW HOWARD BRINGING HIS "PATENTED" PRESSURE ON THE QB!!! Not so much! AND THAT'S THE LATEST "SCOOP" November 12th - "The Scoop": The Best In Investigative Sports Reporting After serving a 4 year suspension for "behavior unbecoming of a Cork Bowl Player", former Cork Bowl star Chad Veenstra is looking for reinstatement for next year's game. Veenstra was one of the most dominating performers during his Cork Bowl days. He will forever be remembered for his performance in Snow Bowl (Cork Bowl 5). Veenstra's quickness and knack for making big plays helped propel him into stardom as well as one of the most popular Cork Bowl players. Unfortunately, things began to turn downward for Veenstra in 1997. Veenstra did not make it to a game stating, "I can't make it guys, I've got to rake leaves for my Dad." After this, an investigation was held to determine the actual cause of the missed game. Some say it was a drug or alcohol problem, however, after a great deal of investigating I have found the real reason that Veenstra was unable to play in the game on that fateful day. Apparently, NBC was showing re-runs of Saved By The Bell (the original class) on that day. Veenstra has, and always will, have a major crush on Bell's star Tiffany Amber-Thiessen. Better known as Miss Kelly Kapowski. Now I admit that Miss Kapowski is one foxy lady, but I cannot believe that Veenstra would let down his teammates over something as silly as that. When I asked Veenstra about this incident he stated, "I'm telling you for the millionth time, I was chopping wood for my great aunt." Obviously not the same story he had told us on game day, I determined that Veenstra was and is embarrassed about his crush on Miss Kapowski. Since Cork Bowl players are held to the highest esteem, Cork Bowl commissioner Patrick Cork had no choice but to suspend Veenstra for 5 years of play with the opportunity to re-apply after four seasons. This will be the year that Veenstra re-applys. After talking with Veenstra recently I know that he greatly regrets letting his team down and would never do it again.......even if Miss Kapowski were to visit Robinson. Other Rumors and Ideas: Greg Howard and Ryan Tomlinson are such bad trash talkers that I move that the Cork Bowl web-page no longer post anything that they write!! "Colonel" Sanders has been feeling a little uneasy about gameday since realizing that he dropped 183 balls in last year's game - a Cork Bowl Record!! Kevin Ryan has applied to change his last name. He realized that his last name and Tomlinson's first name were the same and felt that was bad luck. Willy Truitt should break several Cork Bowl records this year. Since he already has the records, they will be broken each time he attempts a pass. The Bandicoots are hoping for a "Kevin Willis" type performance out of Greg Howard. Just ask Greg how good Willis was and is. I think that Coach Cork should only be allowed to talk once every 5 minutes for a time of no longer than 30 seconds during this year's game. He talked enough for 12 games last year. Jeff Henney is very creative as evidenced by his report about the goal line powder. I hope that he has some creative plays or else his team is going to get blitzkreiged! There's nothing like Mrs. C's half-time lunch!!! And That's The Latest "Scoop" November 8th - The "Scoop" The Best In Investigative Sports Reporting! I recently wrote that I was going to have an exclusive interview with recently retired Cork Bowl Player Kirby Newell. He's here with me right now and we will do this thang' at this moment in time! Sc: Hey, how are you doing Kirby? KN: How do you do? Sc: What are your thoughts on this year's Cork Bowl? KN: I think the Bandicoots could take a beat down if they don't play extremely smart football. Watch out for Jeff Henney though, I'm expecting great things from the Bandicoot rookie. Sc: Who do you think is hotter, Shania Twain or Faith Hill? KN: I'd probably have to go with Faith, but Shania is one quality looking female if I do say so myself, but what does this have to do with the football game? Sc: Kirby, I ask the questions and you answer them, that is how an interview works!!!!!! Sc: What do you think is the major matchup in the game? KN: Somebody is going to have to cover Chris Cork and I don't know if the Bandicoots have anybody tall enough to cover him. Sc: What is your favorite kind of cheese? KN: I guess I'd have to say either American or Colby?????? Sc: How are your injuries doing? KN: Well, I'm still kickin' which is about the best I can say. I'm doing better but I still have a heckuva long ways to go. Sc: What is the key to this year's game going to be? KN: The key will be the same as it always is, turnovers. I think that a healthy breakfast of cherry and apple turnovers could give a team the energy needed to play a full game of Cork Bowl. Sc: Last question Kirby, how old is your broadcast partner Tony Cork?? KN: Well, nobody knows for sure. I think we'd have to use carbon dating to find out for sure. Sc: I'm a liar, one more question. How do you think marriage will effect Patrick Cork's performance in this year's game? KN: Patrick makes plays. I just hope he's not making too awfully many plays the week before the game because he could be worn out if he does. Sc: Thanks for your time and I hope that you get to feeling better. KN: Hey, you're welcome. It's always an honor to be interviewed by someone of your stature. Sc: Thank you so much, that means a lot coming from a legend like yourself!! KN: I guess we're just two legends talking, huh. AND THAT'S THE LATEST SCOOP!! November 2nd - The "Scoop" The Best In Investigative Sports Reporting! Yeah, I know that I said I'd have an exclusive interview with Kirby Newell in my next article. However, after some recent comments that have been made by Cork Bowl players I feel that I have to respond! Willy Truitt: Okay Willy, let's be honest. You don't need to be making excuses before the game starts. You know that I love ya (not in a homosexual way either), but I can't stand for this. If you are injured you don't play. If you are hurt you might play. But if you're making excuses before the game starts due to injury I have to wonder what kind of performance you'll have come game time. Also, after doing some research I have discovered that the reason you aren't healing correctly is because Tim Reis isn't acutally a doctor, he just plays one on TV!!! Ryan Tomlinson: I won't mouth off about
your skills anymore, the stats do that for me. However, I will
question your decision to go with the quote about the mirrors
and not being able to see you???? What is that all about? Chris Cork: Jeff Henney threatens your life and you haven't responded? I question as to why you haven't? Perhaps you are so concentrated on the game that these little remarks by a ROOKIE have no effect on you. I wish that the other players would follow your example and just play the game. Reggie Truitt: In response to your last
comments on the webpage, Crash Bandicoot is not an awesome game
as you say. It is merely okay. Donkey Kong is better, no it's
not, Mortal Kombat rules!! I don't know if anybody AND THAT'S THE LATEST "SCOOP" October 29th - The "Scoop" The Best in Investigative Sports Reporting The "Scoop" has been very busy recently. Having done a great deal of research on newcomer Jeff Henney and recent rumors about Willy Truitt, The "Scoop" may have worn himself out!!! Probably not though, because all I do is sit around the house all day! Jeff Henney: I was getting quite interested in learning about this young gun, the Chris Weinke of Cork Bowl lore. I had to dig deep, but I was able to find some interesting info about the old young gun. After digging through the Henney family attic I was able to find a video tape. The tape showed an approximately 20 year old Jeff Henney playing football in the yard with 3 neighbor boys. The neighbor boys were approximately age 9. Henney was a dominant force. He used his speed and size to a great advantage. I look for him to wreak havoc in the Ermine secondary. Especially if he gets matched up on Tomlinson. Of course, Kirby Newell in his wheel chair could wreak havoc against Tomlinson. Also, in a recent phone interview Jeff Henney said, and I quote, "Chris Cork had better hope his mono has completely healed because if it isn't I'm going to rupture his spleen." Congrats Jeff, you just made the first death threat in Cork Bowl history. It is suppossed to be a friendly game, but hey, whatever works for you!! And that's the skinny on Jeff Henney! Rumors abound about Willy Truitt's age.
Many people are saying that he has not yet reached the minimum
age limit of 12. However, since we all know the Willy has played
in Cork Bowl for years, The "Scoop" has found some
answers. After lots of research I found Willy's birth certificate.
He was born in September of 89', just reaching the age limit.
All these years we thought that Willy was small for his age when
in reality he is a giant! He also drives and The "Scoop"
is looking into that as we speak. It really makes you wonder
what kind of numbers the young Truitt will put up now that puberty
is in sight. Next up, investigations into Williamson and Speaking of Howard and Williamson, I have been looking into rumors that the two are actually gay. I personally did not believe it to be true even though the two young men both have ear rings. In both ears????? After talking with the local gay bar owners, it has been confirmed that both young stallions have been spotted. However, they were just playing pool. I broke into Williamson's apartment over the weekend and found some incriminating evidence of he and Greg on the floor. In a phone interview I asked Williamson about the photo. He said, "Ahh, umm, we were just wrestling, yeah, practicing our wrestling because we always used to wrestle out at Kirby's house." I responded with, "Why were you practicing your wrestling naked??" Suddenly, the phone line was dead???!! I recently asked Kevin "Baby Bean" Ryan, aka "Beaner" about his nickname. Kevin SPROUTED out of his seat and said "That's not my nickname, darn that Patrick Cork!" In my next article, an exclusive interview
with past Cork Bowl star Kirby Newell!! (aka NewElway, Boeing
737) October 24th - By the Numbers with "Scoop" 11: For Cork Bowl 11 89: For Coach Cork's rumored age. 4.5: The number of hours my electricity was off tonite. 110: The number of people who I wanted to shoot because of it! 2: The jersey number of retired star Kirby Newell. 7: In feet, the combined heights of Willy and Greg. 34: The jersey number of the the greatest running back ever. 75: Predicted number of completions for rookie QB "Colonel" Sanders 28: In degrees, the rumored temperature of Cork Bowl 11. 33: The average temperature of Cork Bowl. 3: Kids under the age of 3 get into Cork Bowl free! 32: The number of days until we lose current bachelor Patrick Cork. 0: The percent chance of Ryan Tomlinson taking home MVP!!!!! And that's the Latest "Scoop"!!!! October 22nd - "The Scoop" The Best in Investigative Sports Reporting! The Latest! Ermine player Ryan Tomlinson has recently been compared to NFL Rookie Standout LaDanian Tomlinson. Apparently, they both have the same last name. The Future Mrs. Cork said that she expects to see a much improved defensive performance by future husband Patrick. She said, "Patrick has had a lot of practice tackling." I don't know what that means exactly, but I'm sure it isn't good for the Bandicoots. Bandicoot QB Willy Truitt is hoping that recent bouts with "Tunnel Vision" have cleared now that his favorite receiver has officially retired. In response to Bandicoot claims that they are going to win big, Ermine receiver Chris Cork was quoted as saying, "What The Butt???" After talking with my military sources it has become apparent to me that the Ermine may be one player short on game day. "Colonel" Steve Sanders my be in Afghanistan taking out Osama Bin Laden himself. Let's just hope the gun doesn't slip out of his hands. Bandicoot scat back Josh Williamson has been quoted as saying, "The Ermine better watch out. I've come to play this year. You can expect at least 2 catches from me this year!!!" He said it with a really tuff attitude too! My resources say that Greg Howard has been
practicing hard for this year's Cork Bowl. In fact, after watching
"Come Dance With Me" and the "Nutcracker"
Greg may have actually come up with a touchdown dance that This Just In: Sources say that we should not expect much of a game from Patrick Cork this year. They say that he has been slowed dramatically by an "ole ball and chain." AND THAT'S THE LATEST SCOOP! October 18th - News From Across the CFL (Cork Football League) 1) Ryan Tomlinson recently called "Scoop". He was wanting directions to Corklestick Park. So, apparently he is planning on showing up to this year's Cork Bowl! 2) Chris Cork was recently seen jogging. 3) This just in, Chris Cork was recently seen fainting. 4) After spending the first part of the year with elementary kids, Reggie Truitt has apparently lost his maturity level. When I told him that his brother Willy was planning on playing QB this year he told me to tell Willy, "Nah, Nah, Na, Na Boo Boo". Hey, whatever Reg! 5) And finally, Greg Howard may not be able to make it to this year's Cork Bowl. Rumor has it that he has not left a local amusement park since reaching the legal height to ride a roller coaster??? That's the latest "Scoop" October 15th - Player Previews Mr. Chris Cork, Patrick Cork, and Kirby Newell helped bring Cork Bowl into prominence in Crawford County. Now considered the biggest game of the year since the Maroons annually get beat in the 1st round. Many people consider these 3 to be the Larry, Magic, and Michael of football by helping save the league financially! With Newell gone, now is the chance for the "Young Dogs" to step it up and make a name for themselves. Reggie and Willy have proven to be great players. Now look for one of the two brothers to step it up into the level of dominance. Greg, you've been griping for years that you get no props, here's your chance to earn them. Colonel, you've got all the ability in the world. Jeff, I don't know who you are but I can guarantee that you'll be better than at least one player (who shall remain nameless). Kevin, time to bruise your way into prominence. Williamson, use your ability and be mean and you can make it to the next level if your hands don't fail you. Tomilinson, your best bet is to live off your name sake's (Ladanian Tomlinson) success!! Now onto the teams: Bandicoots: Reggie Truitt: A proven Cork Bowl player. Has had big games in the past but is rarely on the winning team. Needs to be more physical and more of a leader. Has shown the ability to put up big numbers on offense and defense. The most complete player on the Bandicoots. Willy Truitt: A cagey veteran. He is the most prolific QB in Cork Bowl history. Small on defense but has made an occassional big play. Reminds me of Zach Thomas, he rarely makes a tackle without help. Must play big on defense for the Bandicoots to compete and put up big numbers on offense. If he can step it up on D and keep the interceptions down the Bandicoots may find a pot of gold at the end of the day! But doubtful. Greg Howard: Last year's MVP in my mind. Played big on both offense and defense. An emerging star! He's probably the strongest player on either team. Unfortunately has a small frame and often times has the ball thrown over his head. Needs to grow about 6 inches before the game to really be the dominate player his physique suggests he could be. Was absolutely phenomenal in last year's game, however, Scott Mitchell made the Pro Bowl one year and look where he's at. Must prove he can do it consistently. Josh Williamson: Has lots of ability but rarely uses it. He could be a very good player with his strength and speed but seems to be mentally out of the games. Makes beautiful t-shirts for the games. Needs to put some of that creativity into his offensive and defensive games to get it done! He is the poster boy for the Bandicoots! Jeff Henney: Very little known about this "find". Could be a game breaker, but has personally said that he is afraid he will struggle in the physical nature of Cork Bowl. Watch out though, he has basketball ability and we know that basketball players have proven to be dominate in Cork Bowl (example: Kirby Newell). Hopefully will play more like Charles Oakley than Steve Kerr.
Ryan Tomlinson: No statistical information found on this player despite having played in several Cork Bowls. Known to be mentally weak and scared of contact. Don't expect much out of this player. He exemplifies Girlieness!!! Kevin Ryan: A BRUISER to the fullest extent. Has proven to be tuff to bring down when catching the ball. Unfortunately lacks the speed to get open down the field. Mr. Ryan's defense is often in question due to his lack of speed. Could be the sleeper in this year's game due to the lack of size on the Bandicoots! "Colonel" Steve Sanders: Maybe the best athlete in the game. Fast and has a "motor". However, has been shown to have greasy hands. I hope it was just the chicken and not a bodily problem. Might be the best player in this year's game if he steps it up. Might lead the game in drops again. Not sure if he can actually catch and just had a bad game or if he actually sucks. Chris "Serp" Cork: Despite lack of speed consistently gets at least 15 catches and 6-8 touchdowns a game. A model of consistency. Tall with "Serp" like arms as the Hoaglands would say. The master of the one handed catch. Defense is solid due to long arms that make up for lack of speed. Look for a big game from Chris. Patrick Cork:
One of the best and most consistent players in Cork Bowl history.
Solid on both offense and defense. The master of the tuff catch.
However, rumor has it that Patrick has been softened by LOVE.
Will be married by the time the game occurs and we know that
married players have struggled in the past (Brooks Wilson). May
have to become cheap to compete much like Brooks Wilson was.
Energy level may be down at game time due to, well, we'll stop
right there!! |
