Please be aware that "The Scoop" is not directly associated with Cork Bowl in any way. He actually pays Cork Bowl to have his articles posted each week. Please do not think that these ramblings are the same views that Cork Bowl maintains. September 15th - The "Scoop": The Best in Invesstigative Sports Reporting Well, I know that everybody missed me a great deal. And, I know that
you all are waiting to hear something amazing. Unfortunately, I don't
have much at the moment. The only thing I can report is an injury and
that Greg Howard is still, well, you know.
On the injury front, I would like to report an injury to the enigmatic
Ryana Tomlinson. From what my sources are reporting, he may not be
able to play due to ascended testicles. It is quite possible that Ryana
will be having a surgery to have this problem fixed. I'm sure that it
could only help his performance.
So, that is really all I have right now. Hopefully I'll be hearing
from you all soon.
I'm out like Mikey when he was col-cocked by Buster.
"Scoop"
September 27th
- The "Scoop": The Best in Invesstigative Sports Reporting BRIAN GARRARD!!! BRIAN GARRARD!!! BRIAN GARRARD!!!! Wow, I've
laughed a lot in my life, with me being a comedic genius and all, but I've
never laughed as much as I did when I read that Brian Garrard is going to
be the defensive substitute.
Honestly, I've never thought much of Ryan Tomlinson as a football
player. Haven't really had a reason to. However, I now truly believe that
Ryana Tomlinson has a legitimate shot of winning game MVP. No, it's
not because he has worked hard or improved. No, it isn't because he has
taken therapy to get his head right and recover from the hit that Kirby
Newell gave him about 5 or 6 years ago. It is all because of Garrard.
He is a great golfer, a rather hilarious person, even has done some
good things on the chair baseball field. But, Brian Garrard is the same
person who has taken apporximately 9 or 10 years to recover from a
chipped tooth. Yes, a chipped tooth. Tomlinson will have 10 plus catches
this year.
Also, I've recently read where the Parameciums, a single celled
protozoan cannot beat a more complex creature such as a Dingo. Further
research suggests otherwise. A paramecium can be very deadly if not taken
care of immediately. A paramecium very well could get into a dingo's
water supply and affect him greatly. Perhaps with the diahrrea. As we
all know, the diahrrea is not something that you can play through. You
can play through the flu. You can play through a cold, you can even
play through a sinus infection. However, you cannont play through the
diahrrea. Between the constant cramping, dehydration, and need to use the
bathroom constantly, you just can't play through. Ask Bobby Hurley if
you don't beleive me. So, I have to give the edge to the paramecium in
the toughness category. (The dingos win the intelligence category
though).
Alrighty, so far there hasn't been much talk going on at the webpage.
I would like to encourage people to get on their computers and get
involved. You can't really have much fun talking smack if no one is
listening. We all know that the pregame talk is the most enjoyable part
anyways now that we are all ancient. So, get busy and get typing everyone.
"Scooping OUT"
"Scoop"
October 29th
- The "Scoop": The Best in Invesstigative Sports Reporting Tomlinson and MVP in the same sentence!!! Come on' people. Tomlinson
hasn't been an impact player since he was impacted by one Kirby Newell
on the sideline about 7 or so years ago. There is no way Tomlinson
wins the MVP.
First of all, to win the MVP you have to show up. However, if
Tomlinson doesn't show up I'd probably vote for him as MVP of the Paramecium
team. That would definitely be the best case scenario for them. Now,
Tomlinson, aka Ryana, will probably show up just to spite his teammates.
Then, he'll do something in the first quarter just impressive enough to
make you think he doesn't suck. However, the rest of his performance
will prove otherwise.
Smart money is for the MVP award to go to Willy Truitt. Now, if Kirby
Newell were playing both ways I'd put my money on him. However, I
don't really think a 1 way player can be elgible for the award unless he
puts up amazing (27 or so TDs) numbers. Willy is younger than most
playing and still fairly active by Cork Bowl standards. I feel that he is
the early favorite in my mind to win the award.
Now, if you want to talk about amazing and unexpected things
happening,ala the Red Sox winning the series, I've got a couple to throw out at
ya. What do you think the odds are of Kevin Ryan going the entire game
without dropping at least 5 balls? If he went the entire game without
a drop, that would be the most amazing thing ever! Or, if Reggie
Truitt goes through an entire game without getting at least one injury time
out!! That would be truly a spectacular occurence. However, the one
thing in the world that I can't imagine happening without the apocalypse
being far behind...........well, if Coach Cork could go through an
entire game saying less than 3 things that make absolutely no sense! That
WOULD BE SCARY!!
"Scoop"
November 12th
- The "Scoop": The Best in Invesstigative Sports Reporting Well, well, well, I must apologize! For years I've been slamming Greg
Howard, saying that he isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. Well, I
still believe that, but now I believe he is getting some wise council!
Greg Howard is making a good move this Dec. 4th!
Yes, we have all heard the excuse about Greg having to work. But, we
all know better than that. For the first time ever, Greg is playing it
smart. He has decided to go the safe route and live off of last year.
He says it is a one year retirement, but we all know that he won't be
back. He wants to live off of last year forever. Do you remember what
happened when Michael Jordan (Greg is more Michael Adams than Michael
Jordan) unretired and joined the Wizards? I sure do. Greg will
hopefully be smart enough to not try and comeback and live off of last year's
once in Greg's lifetime performance. He cannot disppoint anyone with
his performance if he doesn't play.
Personally, I think it is a gutless display. However, this is exactly
what I've come to expect from him. I like Greg, he is a good guy and
he is a competitor when he is on the field. However, Greg has a severe
fear of failure. Now that he has set the bar high (for the first time
ever), he knows that he can't reach that height again. So, he cops out
(get it cops out, Greg wants to be a cop)!
Well, Greg, now that your Cork Bowl career is over (let's be honest,
you're not coming back), let's look at your legacy. First, let's look at
the defensive side of the ball.
Overall Defensive Grade= B+
Greg was a very good defensive player. He put tons of pressure on the
quarterback and was a pretty sure tackler. He was not great in
coverage (keeps him from getting an A), but when his man caught the ball he
was there to make the tackle. Greg was able to change the face of the
game the last few years that rushing was allowed. However, last year
when rushing was taken out of the game, Greg was not the huge defensive
presence that he had been. While he was still the leading tackler, his
impact on the game was not as big. But, in my opinion, you cannot fault
Greg for a rule change that helped offset him.
Overall Offensive Grade= C
Greg was weak offensively earlier in his career. His performance
career grew as Greg grew physically. His hands were not known for being
good. His hands were not known for being decent. But, last year that all
changed. After 2 early drops, Greg caught everything in sight after
that. I truly thought that his career was going to turn around. Then,
this year occurs. What can I do? Overall, 1 really good year and 1
pretty good year do not deserve anything better than a C. Greg claims his
offensive coordinator didn't get him the ball and there may be some
truth to that. But, Greg dropped a lot of balls in his career and people
lost confidence in him. Enough said about that.
Now, let's get back to last year. The question reigns in my mind, was
Greg better last year or was everyone else just getting so much older
and out of shape that they couldn't keep up with the college
cross-country runner? Because Greg has quit (not due to injury either) at the
apparent top of his game, we'll never know. It's a shame, I really had
big hopes for him.
Trash Talking Grade= D-
Greg tried, and tried, and tried. But, let's face it, you either have
quick wit or you don't. Greg, not so much.
Entertainment Value= A+
Greg, you get the highest possible grade here. Not because of anything
you said or anything that you did on the field. Your entertainment
value is rated so high because people love to rile' you
up. You and Tomlinson add so much to the game just by being there (not
neccesarily what you do on the field that's for sure). So, on behalf of
all Cork Bowl players and fans, we'll miss you this year and from here
on after!
"Scoop"
November 14th
- The "Scoop": The Best in Invesstigative Sports Reporting Hey Folks,
Let's be honest, people are getting way to worked up over the
importance of Greggy Howard not playing this year. I especially like Joshy
Williamson talking about how he and Greg were the "true battle". Well,
those two young men have played very hard over the years. I do not deny
that. But let's be honest, Cork Bowl fans don't pay big ticket prices
to watch little men with big muscles play hard. Nor will they ever.
Cork Bowl fans pay the big bucks to see personality and flair! Yes,
people love Chris Cork and his cocky attitude and year in/year out
results. People love to see Patrick Cork make a diving catch for yet another
first down. But, what people love to see and pay to see are the
entertainers. Willy Truitt is an entertainer. Brooke Wilson is an
entertainer. Kirby Newell is an entertainer.
There is a reason you will see almost a 5 to 1 ratio of Parmecium
jerseys to Dingo jerseys at the game. Yes, a lot of it has to do with all
of Brooke's children, but the biggest reason is fans love the
enterainers. Entertainers that get results and win like these three make people
love them even more.
Now, back to Greg. Cork Bowl has lost much bigger stars (not only in
phsyical size, but also in importance to the game) and has kept on
churning out huge viewer ratings. There is absolutely no reason to believe
that the loss of Greg will hurt the league. My personal belief is that
the Cork Bowl ratings will go up this year. Why? Because whomever the
league gets to replace Greg will be better on the field and also in the
eyes of our precious viewers.
Long live Cork Bowl and long live the ENTERTAINERS!!
"Scoop"
November 21st
- The "Scoop": The Best in Invesstigative Sports Reporting I'm here with an exclusive interview with Cork Bowl star Kirby Newell.
Newell easy to hear from, but rarely gives interviews to reporters. He
says that he doesn't trust us, but luckily he does trust me. Here's
what he has to say.
S: How are things going?
KN: Well, my wife and I are having a child, we are buying a house on
Dec. 2nd, and I've gotten a new job since last year. Wow, things are
good, but very busy.
S: What are your thoughts on the recent presidential election?
KN: Well, as you know I consider myself a Republican. I was happy
that George was elected, but I definitely hope that Mr. President will be
able to get things straightened out in Iraq. I think he will do better
at getting things fixed than Kerry would have. But, as you all know,
I'm looking forward to Greg Howard running for President when he turns
35. I'll gladly campaign for him. In fact, I have started a fund to
help him raise money alreday! If you'd like to make a donation, you can
just make the check out to me and send it to me. Believe me, I'll put
it to good use.
S: What the heck are you talking about?
KN: I'm talking about Greg Howard and the presidency in 2036.
S: Don't you have concerns about the steroid accusations against Greg?
KN: Hey, Clinton smoked but didn't inhale. Maybe Greg shot-up but
didn't ingest??????????????
S: You're confusing me Kirby!
KN: No Scoop, you're confusing me.
S: Let's get back to football. What do you think about the Dingoes and
their chances of stopping you?
K: No chance, with the receivers I have they have absolutely no chance
to slow us down. I think I'll break all the passing records this year
with my receiving crew.
S: What do you think about the Dingo offense?
KN: Well, they will score a lot in the first half, but they will tire
and Coach's arm may actually fall off. Yeah, just like in the
cartoons. Just fall off completely.
S: Are you still listening to country music and if so what is your
current favorite song?
KN: Well, I still listen to country music and I love that new Tim
McGraw song called "Back When". However, lately I've been working with my
band and we are starting to lay down a few tracks for our CD.
S: Wow, anything else that you've been doing?
KN: As a matter of fact, I'm thinking about opening a West Coast
Chopper type shop in our new house's garage with my friend Clint. We were
thinking that we'd call it KC Choppers (Kirby/Clint choppers) or perhaps
IC Choppers (Iroquois County Choppers). I'm realistic though, and I
think it'll be a few years before we really take off.
S: Between being a husband, soon to be father, real estate buyer,
coach, band memeber, and motorcycle maker, how do you have time to
concentrate on football?
KN: Each night while I'm doing my yoga I visualize myself and my
teammates making all of the big plays. I truly believe that will be enough
to get it done.
S: What are your favorite TV shows right now?
KN: I love The OC, Extreme Home Makeover, and of course Monster Garage
and American Chopper. Great shows that are entertaining.
S: Extreme Home Makeover?? Are you getting soft on me?
KN: A group of contractors completely make a cool house in a week. I
hope that after I retire from Cork Bowl that I can get into
construction as well and do some smaller projects like that. I have big dreams.
S: Fact or Fiction: Brooke Wilson will win MVP this year?
KN: Fact, which ever receiver I want will win MVP this year. Why not
go with Brooks? Just to shut-up "P-On" I will get him MVP. Unless of
course I have to go to someone else to win. Winning is all that really
matters.
S: Last question, how's the leg?
KN: It's okay, not good but better than anyone ever thought that it
would be. I proved everyone wrong about my leg just like I proved
everyone wrong last year when they said I couldn't QB a team to a victory in
Cork Bowl. Proving people wrong is what I do best.
S: Thanks a lot Kirby. Good luck in this years game and congrats with
all that is going on in your life.
KN: Thanks Scoop. It's always a pleasure. Also, don't forget to
spade or neuter you pets.
S: Yeah, that's just what I was thinking.
Well, there you have it. AN exlusive and rather wandering interview
with the always entertaining Kirby Newell. Thanks for reading and take
care. We'll see you Dec. 4th.
"Scoop"
November 25th
- The "Scoop": The Best in Invesstigative Sports Reporting We all wish we knew who/what Brian Garrard is/was? So, I decided I'd
better get off of my sexy duff and do some research. What I've found
out might suprise, intrigue, or scare you. Please, be prepared for a
roller coaster of emotions as I begin to tell you the story of Brian
Garrard.
Brian Garrard was always a bit different. A very intelligent young
man, Brian never did really show the same emotions as other kids. Brian's
mom remembers, "Brian never got excited the way the other kids did when
The Dukes of Hazzard came on TV. He always watched and you could tell
he loved the show, but he never showed it in his face or actions."
As Brian got older, his weakness became a strength. On the golf
course, his calm demeanor made him a star on the RHS golf team. Well, not
exactly a star, but a solid contributor. Brian never got too high or too
low. From what I understand, the Happy Gilmore method of golf doesn't
really work in real life.
When Brian's Cork Bowl career began, he was not the same as the others.
"All of the other guys were planning on knocking someone out and Brian
just didn't want to get hurt.", stated Chris Cork. Well, when the game
started, Brian became the first Cork Bowler to miss extended game time
due to injury after a suspect injury occurred to Brian's tooth. Hey,
we don't doubt that Brian hurt his tooth, but a chipped tooth doesn't
keep you out of a game for 11 years!!!!
While doing some research on Brian's tooth injury I came upon some
information that completely changed my opinion of him. The reason Brian
had, upon until recently, never shown the same emotion as others is
because he suffers from "Adrenalitis". "Adrenalitis" is a rarely heard of
disease until recently when it was made known by a Toyota Tacoma
commercial. "Adrenalitis" is a disease in which a person does not have enough
adrenaline to react with the energy/excitement/fear as others.
Doctors discovered this when Brian was about 20 years old. However,
doctors tried to treat Brian with a Toyota truck. What doctors didn't
realize until just recently is that Brian was having an internal allergic
reaction to the Toyota. As you might have noticed in last years game,
while Brian was the offensive coordinator for Team Cork, Brian took his
reactions to an extreme. Kirby Newell informed, "Brian completely over
reacted to everything. First of all, I call my own plays and everyone
knows this. When I informed Brian of this he threatened to kill me."
Luckily, Brian doesn't have the courage to do things like that.
However, after Judy Cork approached Brian about getting some help,
Brian was sent to get a 2nd opinion. Dr. Anthony Cork prescribed a Chevy
vehicle to Brian. Since then, Brian has been nothing but the model
citizen with normal reactions to situations. Brian's wife says, "If you want
to see some excitement, you should see Brian when Jeapordy comes on.
He's out of control with excitment, but it is a controlled excitement."
Look for Brian to have a huge impact on the game. Let's hope that he
has a solid game. We do not want Brian to have a relapse of his
situation. The Parameciums better watch out, because Garrard is going to be
coming at ya with his adrenaline kicking in full power!!
"Scoop"
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