Trimble Opens up About Tomlinson's Past

September 13th - You know, it is rather surprising to me how 'Linson decided to go after ferret fighting. Anyone else, maybe. But not Linson. Why you ask? Feast your eyes on the following.

As some may recall, Cork Bowl XI, a.k.a . MudBowl, was one full of emotion as Kirby's "Flat Rock 2" jersey was retired into the Cork Bowl Ring of Champions. Others may recall how sloppy the field was and the less-than-ideal conditions. Of course, I wouldn't recall any of this, as the game was almost six years ago. I wasn't able to make it to the game that day, for I couldn't drive. Not that I wasn't able to, but rather I was only 15 years old and was legally discouraged against driving. However, while I may be younger than most, I may have a sharper mind. Has no one noticed that Linson played during that game? Oh you have? Well maybe you didn't notice what team he played on? That's right. The Ermine. Now as some of you are probably referring to what Wikipedia has to say about the ermine, let me spare you the trouble. It is in the family Mustelidae, along with other mammals like weasels, otters, badgers, mink, polecats, wolverines, martens, tayras, some skunks, and you guessed it... FERRETS.

Apparently the ermine ideology stayed with Linson until the present. The ermine is an opportunistic carnivore. It eats what it can, when it can. Occasionally, the ermine may kill animals larger than what it can eat at one time. This is referred to as "surplus killing" and it then stores what it can't eat until later. If any of you have been to Linson's apartment, you can probably go to his refrigerator and see this for yourselves. You'll probably find rows and rows of brown bottles or aluminum cans, and often times these are what he couldn't finish off from the night before... lightweight.

The ermine is also territorial and uses several dens, which may be an explanation as to why the commissioner is having so much trouble tracking Linson down. Also, this ferret like creature has a promiscuous mating system. During the mating season, copulation occurs with multiple partners and is often forced upon by the male, who does not help raise the offspring. Sometimes, copulation occurs with females so young that they have not even left the den yet. I don't think I need to go into any further explanation here...

Tactile information is conferred by the vibrissae, or whiskers. Go ahead, look at Linson's picture on Cork Bowl XI. Exactly. 'Nuff said.

It seems to me that Linson followed the lifestyle of the Ermine, yet when it came down to making some quick and easy cash, however dirty it may have been, he went with the ferret fighting and pitted his own kind against each another. As for me, I'm following the lifestyle of the Honey Badger, which I propose for our team name this year. Check it out.

Stick with your roots, Linson. No matter how ferret-like they are.

Trimble

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Williamson Ready for Big Comeback

October 7th - Great to hear a roster! Obviously, I have no problem playing with or without anyone. I plan on dominating from the get go. Despite the fact that I have morphed into a lazy slob that would rival Ryan Tomlinson and have gained enough weight to go head to head with Jay Anderson in the Octogon, I feel that my mental prowess has reached a level that buddhist monks spend their entire lives trying to achieve. It is with this that I plan on propelling my team to victory and vie for the title of most valuable player.

Josh Williamson

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Woodard Has no Rookie Jitters

October 24th - So I hear that I'm up against the likes of a 6'5" 90 year old man. When I heard who I would be up against this year, all I could say was, "Chris who?" That means nothing to me. Let me start off with this simple fact, Devin Hester was a rookie to the NFL last year. Did that stunt his abilities? I think not. I will be a rookie to Cork Bowl. Will I let that fact stunt my ability to thrive? I think not. In the slightly modified words of ocho cinco, "Chris Cork will end up like the horse." Apparently Chad Johnson has faith in me. Why shouldn't I?

Evan Woodard

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Howard Ready to Roll

October 27th - I look at myself as being just like the original 81. I'm the original 1. My team is doing great! Practices are going well, the Colonel and I are right on time with each other. It's almost like we've played together for years! When I look at him I think to myself, self - Coach Cork has always had his great receivers, why can't the Colonel?? When I view our team as a whole, I can't help but make the comparison to the New England Patriots. With Henney being a Randy Moss type receiver and myself a Dante Stallworth type of receiver, and of course Kevin Ryan as a slot reciever like Wes Welker. I don't see how we can lose.

There are some unknowns though. With Williamson coming back, someone has to ask the question about his fitness. Can he play both ways? Offense and defense that is, we all know he's been playing both ways for a long time if you know what I mean. Also, can the old man come out of his kryogenically frozen sleep in time to dethaw and play? Finally, can Patrick Cork loosen the leash around his neck enough to be able to run a route or is his wife going to have the choker leash on? GO FLEMISH GIANTS!!

G-How "the original #1"

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Patrick Cork Admits Diminishing Skills

October 30th - It's less than three weeks to the big game and there hasn't been much talk yet. I'm not surprised. Wihtout the Truitts and Tomlinson it's simply not going to be the same this year. The Truitts are a huge loss, and as good as the news is that we finally got rid of Tomlinson without having to kick him out of the league, that's not enough to outweigh the negative impact that Reggie and Willy's absences will play. But enough about the guys that aren't playing - let's talk about the ones that are.

Anyone that watched Cork Bowl 16 last year knows I was the MVP - there's no doubt. I still haven't come to grips with the conspiracy to award the MVP to Kevin. Just because he had the best game of his career doesn't mean he was the MVP. Heck, Tomlinson should have been MVP that one year he caught more than 5 passes if that's the criteria. I'm all about the team and that's why I stayed silent until now. The bitterness that set in after that game has not left me yet. And how did I use that fuel you may ask? You would think I would have used it as motivation to work harder this year and come into Cork Bowl 17 in peak physical condition. However, I spent the past year dwelling on it mentally and decided to take the entire year off from all physical activity. Will that hurt me this year? Most definitely. But I'm mentally tougher than I've ever been and we all know the mind is more powerful than the body.

Another thing I came to grips with was that my best days are behind me. I put it all on the line last year and it wasn't enough to be named the game's best player. It looks like Patrick Cork has seen the last MVP performance of his career. The baton has been passed to up and comers like Robert Trimble, Greg Howard and the other young pups that will carry this great game into the next decade - until Caleb and Jacob take over and bring the glory back to the Cork name. However, my career will not end anytime soon. Although I may never catch 20 passes in a game again, I will lead my team to more Cork Bowl victories. And if you think I won't see the ball come my way on 4th and 8 - you're nuts. I may not be on the field for the three plays before that...or the three after it...but I will step up when it counts. That's what winners do. "Ocho Siete" will be back with a vengeance this year with whatever he has left in the tank. Flemish Giants - be prepared to go hopping down your bunny trail with a big fat "L" tattoed on your fluffy tails.

Patrick "Ocho Siete" Cork

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Henney Happy to be on Ego-Less Team

November 4th - It warms my heart to see that all the egos are either not playing this year or will be facing me in Cork Bowl 17. Williamson is predicting an MVP performance and Patrick is whining about not being the MVP last year. Reggie and Willie couldn't even dream of fitting Belichek's hoodie over their fat heads. Chris is the epitome of the Julio Franco syndrome, and I suppose he'll continue to find some sucker of a team to give him a contract each year, continually feeding the bottomless pit known as his ego. Let it also be known that it was "locker room poison" of Trimble and Brooks Wilson that caused my first ever defeat in last year's Cork Bowl. No matter how often I tried to intervene, it always seemed like I was in the midst of a NASCAR feud between those two. Cork the Elder, on the other hand, can only be accused of having an inflated ego when you consider it in light of his speed, which is being measured in Tonys, the unit used for measuring the time it takes Manny Ramirez to round the bases after a home run.

No such disease exists on our team, and it will be our pleasure to take home the championship trophy for Cork Bowl 17. (By the way, While the biggest headlines will certainly be about the stars that are missing, the key advantage will be for the Flemish Giants, who have a proven touchdown tandem in Colonel Sanders to Henney, a combination that produced a 100% completion for touchdown percentage in Cork Bowl 11.)

Henney

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Williamson Provides "Proof" of Howard's Steroid Use

November 6th - I am asking the comissioner of Corkbowl to consider suspending Greg Howard from the league for violating the league's substance abuse policy:

We know that:
Greg Howard = Running + Lifting
And that:
Running = Endorphins
Therefore:
Greg Howard = Endorphins + Lifting
We summize that:
Endorphins = Drugs
Therefore:
Greg Howard = Drugs + Lifting
We further know that:
Drugs + Lifting = Muscle Growth
Therefore:
Greg Howard = Muscle Growth
And we know that:
Steroids = Muscle Growth
So we must conclude that:
Greg Howard = Steroids

We can not tolerate this kind of cheating in Corkbowl...especially when it is a known fact (see equation).

Josh

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Dale Mendenhall Impressed With Williamson's Math

November 8th - As a paid equation evaluator and a former educator of many of the Cork Bowl participants, I find Williamson's PROOF of Howard's steroid use remarkable. Williamson was a student of mine in Trigonometry class and I don't remember any of his proofs being as fine as his Howard Steroids Proof. Somebody may have to walk Howard through the proof so that he will understand it. I am not sure of Howard's ability to follow upper level equation solving and the like. I never had him in class, at least I don't think that I did (I'm sorry I'm approaching the age of the "Coach" when we use to laugh at him when he couldn't remember "things".) I will tell you, I can't wait to see Williamson's equation or proof that Howard=HGH, that one might be a whole lot tougher to prove, a dwarf on Human Growth Hormones, imagine that!

Dale "Mendy" Mendenhall - Robinson High School Math Educator

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Williamson with More Answers

November 8th - This is in response to Dale Mendenhall's statement:

It is actually easier to prove Greg Howard's use of HGH despite his height:

We know from birth records that:
Greg's real name is Hans Gregory Howard
Therefore:
Hans Gregory Howard = H.G.H.
We also know that:
Human Growth Hormone = HGH
Therefore:
HGH = HGH
We conclude that:
Hans Gregory Howard = Human Growth Hormone

Josh

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