Ryan Tomlinson Loving His Team

September 3rd - Wow we really mixed things up, and I like it! At first glance it looks like we have the advantage, and than at second glance it looks like we have a bigger advantage. We have the more than proven QB and the two people who were considered for MVP last year under said QB. Jeff Henney has shown that he can control a game as well. Chris Cork always delivers and always looks good doing it. And than there is me, I'll be in the best shape I've been in for the last 5 years having logged 100's of hours of Madden. It's going to be trouble, not so much for us, but more for the Civets. I just hope they don't catch SARS and die before the game. On another note, I would just like to ask about the rules for the hall of fame and when and where I can cast my vote for Coach and Kirby?

Ryan "Still taller than Greg" Tomlinson

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Patrick Cork Confident In Civets

September 9th - I'm not sure who that Tomato guy is that wrote the story this week, but he's right on the money. There have plenty of teams more talented than their opponents that didn't win championships because they didn't know how to win championships. The Binturongs are stronger, faster and bigger, but they don't have the chemistry and heart that the Civets do. I don't think anybody that looks at the rosters would argue the Binturongs will be favored this year. However, you never underestimate the heart of a champion.

Not only do I have confidence in my teammates, I have no confidence in several of their players to step up to the challenge. For starters, Tomlinson apparently has some sort of man crush on Chris from his earlier comments. He'll be too busy watching Chris "look good" on the field to know what's going on around him. That will be two less targets for Willy to throw to with that pair running routes holding hands. Plus Trimble's MVP last year was a total fluke. There's no chance he repeats that this year - and when he fails to produce, that's when the back-biting and bickering will begin. The Binturongs have too many egos to come together in time for the game. With Wilson and Henney both demanding the ball every play, Willy is going to have his hands full.

Reggie and I have never teamed up before, so that new dynamic will be fun to watch develop. When you add the leadership and toughness of Colonel Sanders and Greg, with the veteran hard-nosed play from Kevin and the up-and-coming youngster Jake, you have a recipe for a championship team. I'm glad to see Tomlinson is confident in his teammates, and he should be. But games aren't played on paper R.T. - they're played between the lines.

Patrick "Still Tougher than Tomlinson" Cork

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Chris Cork Sits Down With Irv Cross

September 14th - I did an interview with Irv Cross, in response to the recent CB news. Here is the unedited transcript.

Irv Cross: "There are reports that you aren't a team player, clubhouse cancer, etc. Is there any truth to that?"

CC: "None. It's ridiculous."

Irv Cross: "So where does a story like that come from?"

CC: "I dunno. Maybe they don't want to tell their fan base that they don't think I can still play. Character assassination is a lot easier than trying to explain
why you're kicking a popular and accomplished player to the curb."

Irv Cross: "So you're saying it's just a PR move."

CC: "I'm saying their management doesn't think I can play. The guys who are under contract are going to latch on to whatever alibi their bosses are selling.
Would you risk your playing time standing up for a guy who wasn't on the team anymore? I don't think so."

Irv Cross: "What about the media attention/camera time charge?"

CC: "Irv, how many commercials have you seen me in?"

Irv Cross: "I don't recall any, but I can't afford cable."

CC: "Exactly. Now maybe it has something to do with the fact that my dog Parker is my PR director. He's the sweetest little guy in the world, but it's a good
thing he doesn't work on commission...The fact remains you don't see me on tv or in magazines. And beyond that, you're the only guy I do interviews for and you don't even have media credentials since CBS canned you, so if I'm out for attention then I'm doing an amazingly poor job of pursuing it."

Irv: "I prefer to say CBS and I had creative differences."

CC: "Whatever. The show stunk. You left and Musberger, despite the fact that he was and is horrible, got to stay. No matter how you slice it, that's not good for you. I think we're done here."

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Willy Truitt Says, "I Can Win With Anybody"

September 21 - I hate to see all this hate for Chris Cork. I always thought Corkbowl was above the "build them up, so we can see tear them down" Hollywood attitude we read about in the papers and watch on our TVs. So what if Chris Cork has an attitude problem. I don't care. So what if he doesn't give it all on every down. I don't care.

But what we both have done is win, 12 times.

I've won with some of the most self-centered players in the history of Corkbowl.

Kirby Newell. check.
Greg Howard. check.
Chad Veenstra. check.

And, Greg. Save the 'all you did was play defense' when you won with us. You couldn't catch the damn ball. How many TD passes should I let you drop before
I quit looking your way??? What is the number?

So Chris Cork, I say bring on the attitude problem. It gives us an edge. I'm growing a mullet, whatever it takes.

I'm going for 20 TDs this year. That is as self-centered as it gets. But, my guys are going to get their share of touches and we are going to win. End of story, print up the t-shirts, create the headlines and run the papers.

Get Bint! (urongs)

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Patrick Cork Deems Himself "Unstoppable"

September 25th - Calling Cincinnati Bengals star wideout Chad Johnson his "mentor", Patrick Cork has a new air of confidence about him this fall. "I spent a lot of time with Chad this offseason and he's taught me a lot about taking my game to the next level," remarked Cork. "I've proven everything I possibly could on the field physically. Now I'm out to prove not only that I'm the best receiver this game has ever seen, but that I'm the best talker this game has ever seen too."

Cork has recorded 45 catches in the past three Cork Bowls, but had just two touchdowns last year on 14 receptions. Many experts believed the defense of Robert Trimble played a big factor in Cork's inability to make big plays, but Cork disagrees. "In case you haven't watched Cork Bowl for the past 15 years, I have something to tell you," added Cork. "It's humanly impossible to guard one-on-one. It simply can't be done. Nobody ever has done it and nobody ever will. Robert is faster than me. He's bigger than me than me now and he's probably stronger too. And I still had 14 catches - and that's with a quarterback who couldn't feel his fingers the entire second half. There's no telling what kind of numbers I'll put up this year with Reggie under center."

Not everyone is as sold on Cork's new outward confidence. "I basically held him down from start to finish last year," responded Trimble. "He couldn't get away from me all day. He can blame everyone around him for his sub-par performance but when it comes down to it, he's getting old and I'm in the prime of my career." Cork responded, "Robert is free to have his own opinion, but deep down he knows he can't guard me. I'm 100% sure that I'll see a lot of double coverage this year. They'd be stupid not to. There are three things that are a sure bet in this world: death, taxes, and you can't stop #87. They have a better chance of finding Osama Bin Laden than they do stopping me."

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Henney Plays Fact or Fiction

October 16th - Now that "T.O." and I are back on good terms (thanks to a timely visit and advice from one of our heroes, Mike Ditka), it's time to turn our attention to our opponents.

Fact: When Patrick Cork plays in Cork Bowls that Henney plays in, he loses.

Fiction: Henney, Chris Cork, and Brooks Wilson are too old to dominate and to rub it in your face.

Fact: I've got eight fingers begging to wear the ring I'll bring home in Cork Bowl 16, and only seven of them will be disappointed.

Fiction: Colonel Sanders will win his first Cork Bowl.

Fact: Reggie Truitt will throw more touchdowns to Henney than he will to Patrick Cork.

Fiction: Greg Howard scares us.

-Jeff Henney-

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Greg Howard Finally Chimes In

October 27th - I couldn't help but notice very little trash talk and what little there was, was done mostly by a bunch of has been players that are barely hacking it. Wilson and Chris....are you still alive? Wilson looks as if he's got some sort of game!? My question to him is this. Wilson, who's been covering you the past two
years? That would be Chris Cork. I was looking back in an old algebra book the other day and right next to a+b=c was another formula, Chris+Cork=Buttsad Defense. Wilson, I'm not impressed.

As for Willy. Willy you can make cracks all you want about me dropping the ball. That was then, this is now. 46-Greg, 32-Pat, 38-Chris, 32-Reg, 30-Brooks, 38-Beaner.You know what those numbers are? Those are the percentages of times a catch is a touchdown for each person. Let me make it easier since I know Tomlinson is in the crowd. That means that 46% of the passes I've caught so far are touchdowns. I may have dropped my share of passes, but I catch them when they count.

Tomlinson, you are the plague. You are taller then me but you are also the disease that will rot the rest of your team. I will say that the Butturongs or whatever
you are do have a huge advantage in regards to your size. Our secondary reminds me of Notre Dame's secondary - no one over 5'10" and we've all seen how
well that works for the Irish.

Greg "this one's for Kirb" Howard

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Kirby Newell Speaks About the Game

October 31st - Well, Greg Howard is dedicating this game to me! Yippee Ky AAAAA! Hey, we've all made fun of Greg in the past, but lets give the guy some credit, he has been the dominant player for the last few years. Wow, did I just say that, I must be getting alheimers or something. Anywho, thanks Greg, I'm flattered.

Now, what the heck is the deal with the team names. I am not a smart man, but I can't even pronounce the name of the teams. So, I'm now referring to Tomlinson's team as the Salmon. Why the Salmon may you ask????? Well, when Tomlinson is on your team, it is like swimming up stream. The Civets will now be referred to as the Dung Beetles. No need for an explanation there. Anyways, I doubt I'll be there this year unless the game is moved to Thanksgiving weekend. If not, good luck listening to Coach babble about who knows what. My goodness, the guy is going to retire from teaching before he retires from Cork Bowl. At what point and time do they start using carbon dating to estimate the age of something?? The only thing older than Coach is the clothes he's wearing. I mean, as long as it takes him to get from the field to the booth, his clothes MAY be back in style.

I'm out like Patrick's back.

Kirby

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Henney Gives His Own Preview

November 3rd -

QB

RTruitt vs. WTruitt.

From the "official" preview - "People always talk about how great of a quarterback Willy is," remarked Reggie. "Who do you think taught him? I groomed him into the passer he is today, and by the end of the game this year, there will be no doubt who the best quarterback is in the family." - RTruitt

Unfortunately for Reggie, Willy is an even greater competitor than he is quarterback. Reggie's cockiness (a la Brett Favre) bodes well for the Binturongs, who will have at least 3 interceptions, and Willy will demonstrate (on the field, not with his mouth) who the best quarterback, not only in the family, but in the history of Cork Bowl is.

Advantage: Binturongs

WR1

Sanders vs. Henney

From the "official" preview - "I had plenty of time to think about a lot of things and there aren't many places better to do that than China. One of the first things I learned when I was there was the wisdom of Confucius who once said, 'Man who run in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.' You don't find that kind of wisdom here in the United States." - Sanders

It sounds like Sanders has been schooled in the Ricky Williams school of Mary Jane. His performance in Cork Bowl 16 will also reflect his "state of mind."

Advantage: Binturongs

WR2

PCork vs. Wilson

From the "official" preview - "Even though I'm not the same player I used to be, I still don't think anybody can guard me one-on-one and shut me down for an entire game." - PCork

Sounds like the Civets have more than their QB coming down with a case of "cockyitis." In a match up of cagey veterans, Cork will discover that he is outmatched and outclassed as he watches Wilson do at least 7 touchdown dances on his way to another ring.

Advantage: Binturongs

WR3

Howard vs. CCork

From the "official" preview - ""I am a winner, and what do winners do? They win. It's that simple. For me to lose in Cork Bowl is a feeling I'm not accustomed to, and I don't think it will be something I have to deal with for a few more years." - Howard

Are you serious? I guess Robert Horry must be a winner, too. The cocky-itis must be contagious, and there will certainly need to be a cure for Howard to have a chance at another ring. CCork will do the things he needs to do to get another ring. The days of eye-popping stats are over, but his effectiveness will be proven once again.

Advantage: Binturongs

WR4

Kevin Ryan vs. Tomlinson

From the "official" preview - "I'm hoping for another sloppy, muddy, or snowy field," commented Ryan. "The nastier it is, the better I play. If it's sunny and warm, I may just have to take the game off." - Ryan

Ryan may want to take the game off anyway, especially after he gets hit the first time by a motivated and oft-maligned Tomlinson. Followers of the Cork Bowl will remember the hit Ryan suffered in Cork Bowl 12 which resulted in much of halftime being spent looking for a lens from his glasses. Rumor has it that Tomlinson seeks to "blind" Ryan early in Cork Bowl 16, and there's no reason to think he won't.

Advantage: Binturongs

WR5

Hoalt vs. Trimble

From the "official" preview - "I feel I've established myself on the defensive side of the ball, and now I have to show I can play offense as well. With the other receivers on our squad, there shouldn't be a lot of pressure on me to be a go-to guy which is great. The attention given to the other guys should provide me plenty of opportunities to make plays." - Hoalt

While it is refreshing to find a player from the Civets with some humility, it is unfortunate that Hoalt lacks the leadership qualities and experience to bring about change in the locker room. Trimble, on the other hand, saw the fruit of his hard work in Mexico pay off with the MVP of last year's Cork Bowl, and is hungry to prove that he was not a fluke.

Advantage: Binturongs

Prediction - Binturongs 126 Civets 98

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November 5th - Henney talks about Humility?? Are you serious? This issue comes up during a piece that was written by Henney in which he gives total advantage to the buttrongs. Seriously? Henney, let me tell you a wise saying that I know. He who stands on toilet is high on pot. Which is obviously what you are if you believe the buttrongs are going to pull out a win this year.

--Greg Howard--

For starters, anyone that gives Chris Cork an advantage over any player other than Tomlinson must be "high on pot" like my buddy Greg says. That ruined any credibility Mr. Henney may have had. As for humility, there is no such thing as "cockyitis", and of all people you would think our resident doctor would know that. Again, any credibility that could have been gained was washed away. Hopefully that question wasn't on the test to get into medical school. I'm proud of my teammates for not making up fictional diseases and saying we have the advantage at every position. I will not give a final score prediction, but I will guarantee the Civets will fight with every fiber in their collective being to bring home a Cork Bowl championship. If by some chance we fall short, we can always blame it on one of players suffering an injury to their ramrod bone or our quarterback having a case of upheritis.

--Patrick "Ocho Siete" Cork--

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Binturongs Announce a Move Toward the White House

November 7th - There are rumors straight out of Skinnerville that not only are the Binturongs looking to dominate Corkbowl 16, but they are also likely to mount a campaign for the presidential office in '08. Chris Cork is believed to be the front runner for the top spot, while the love-able and dependable Jeff Henney would be his right-hand man at VP.

Insiders see the cabinet shaping up as follows:

Dept. of State: Ryan Tomlinson, he is good at avoiding the tough situations and questions, and if it gets too hairy, he could always call his brother.

Dept. of Treasury: Willy Truitt, with the receiving corp Truitt has this year, he'll prove he is more than qualified to 'spread the wealth'.

Dept. of Defense: Robert 'E.' Trimble, with the way he shut down Pat Cork in CB 15, he is the obvious leader for this position.

Dept. of Justice: Brooks Wilson, for he knows how to 'bring it' to opposing players, as Howard will learn in CB 16. Once labeled 'King of the Cheap Shot', a label Washington leaders respect.

The rest of the presidential cabinet has not be set, but it is believed to be more 20 and 30-somethings that have no life.

--Press Man Willy Truitt--

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Bob Costas Has Concerns About Cork Bowl

November 14th - Dear Commish,

I write to you as a long time fan of the Cork Bowl (I listened to the first games on my short-wave radio in 1991 and 1992 and have caught the TV broadcast every year since). First of all, let me commend you for your leadership as you have taken the Cork Bowl from a backyard tradition in small town Illinois to a game big enough to affect the timing of the biggest college football game of the year. To do that right in the middle of Big Ten country is simply amazing.

However, I have two concerns.

A minor concern/request is for clarification regarding the rules of Cork Bowl, as described on the web site. The rules state that rushing plays are only allowed when the quarterback is blitzed by a defender, but this rule has been changed (I believe it is now called the Greg Howard rule), right? Please clarify.

A greater concern I have is regarding the time-honored Cork Bowl tradition that players do not specifically train in preparation for the game. One of the things fans have loved over the years is that the players are just like them, preferring the couch to the gym and cookies over broccoli. However, a recent phone interview with Steve Sanders, one of the darlings of Cork Bowl lore, revealed that he has joined a local health club, is working out at least twice a week, is playing basketball most mornings, and recently justified his playing soccer last Thursday with the following blatant and defiant words, "I'm training for Cork Bowl." The tip that led to this discovery was actually from his wife of 7 months, Carrie, who I hope will do the professional and unbiased thing if she gets a chance (as is rumored) to be a sideline reporter at the game.

I find this behavior by one of the most prominent players in this year's Cork Bowl to be unacceptable, and it certainly makes this fan (and many others) wonder if this year will be the last Cork Bowl we watch. For the sake of your fans, your game, your traditions, and of all things holy, please embark on a full scale investigation. Training for Cork Bowl can not be tolerated.

Sincerely,
Bob Costas (via his good friend and colleague Jeff Henney)

--------------------------------

Dear Mr. Costas,

First of all, it's a pleasure to hear from you once again. I am still disappointed you turned down our offer to work as the studio host a few years ago due to your rather weak excuse of having to prepare for the Olympics on NBC, but I think having the likes of Kirby Newell, Eric Dean, Dave Rueth and Jay Jared among others calling the action in recent years, we haven't been at a disadvantage to say the least. In fact, we're probably better off without your snide comments.

In regards to your concerns, the rushing the passer rule was officially changed to ban any blitzing of the quarterback prior to Cork Bowl 13 when Kirby Newell returned from a serious leg injury to quarterback the Grisons. Since Cork Bowl 13, the league has continued to use the "no-rush rule" and the response from the fans has been overwhelmingly positive. The vast majority of fans feel it opens up the game more and allows all of their favorite offensive players to be more involved in the action with nobody having to stay in to block. The official rules still state the old rushing the passer rule because the rule has not been permanently changed and could be re-instated at some point, although I have taken the liberty to add an amendment to the rules on the website.

As for your other, more pressing concern regarding the preparation for Cork Bowl, that topic is a little touchy these days. The history of Cork Bowl was built around a number of high school cross country runners that were in top shape heading into the game. However, since those days, the collective "shape" of the players has dramatically declined. Therefore, the reputation of Cork Bowl became one of the "every man", as you mentioned, during the media explosion in the mid to late 90's.

Despite pleading from the league office, several players have decided to get into peak physical condition by participating in serious off-season training (Greg Howard and Robert Trimble have actually competed in triathlons this year). Although this is highly discouraged, the league did not want to force any veteran players out of the league, so we were forced to institute a pre-game waiver system in order to keep the integrity of Cork Bowl intact. Each season, up to four waivers (two per team) can be issued to Cork Bowl players allowing them to train prior to the game. For the past several years, Greg Howard was the only player to submit a waiver, however this year Trimble and Sanders did as well. I understand this will discourage some of our fans, but I think they would be more discouraged if they tuned in to watch Cork Bowl and were not able to see Greg Howard flexing for the camera. Again, the league by no means condones this type of behavior, but it has become one of those little thorns that you have to deal with - kind of like how we continue to let Tomlinson play.

Thanks again for your thoughtful response. And would you please tell Jerome Bettis to stop talking about the Steelers on Sunday Night Football? It's nauseating.

--The Commish--

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