Wilson Injured, But Still in Zo'ril Lineup

September 11th - Reports out of Carbondale, Illinois indicate that Brooks Wilson, certain Hall of Fame Cork Bowler and Comeback King, suffered a severe groin pull in his rigorous training sessions on Monday. Doctors say that it could hamper his conditioning, but that he should be back in full form by game day. Apparently the groin pull happened when his wife announced to him that they are expecting their third child in early February. Wilson is considering an off-season surgery to eliminate any future children from effecting his football career.  Wilson is returning for Cork Bowl 13 after a 7-year stint away from the field.

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Newell Discusses Return to the Field

September 13th - 

Dear Fellow Cork Bowlers,

First of all, I'd like to thank you all for allowing me to come back and play in this year's game. Although I'm quite confident that I could take the pounding of a tackle football game, I will enthusiastically play with flags. I must wonder though, if I'm wearing flags due to injuries, does Greg get to wear a skirt due to girliness?

I would also like to thank Coach Cork for opening up the door to my comeback and also Brooks Wilson's comeback. Coach, if it hadn't been for your 8 previous comebacks I don't know if Brooks and I would have been allowed to make this jump. Thanks, and we all look forward to seeing you play again next year after comeback number 9!

I've got a few thoughts on the game. First, it looks like my team is stacked. C'mon, I don't think we should ever have a time when we don't score if weather conditions are good. Granted, you know that Robert Trimble will give up plenty of points to Team Truitt, but I see no reason that the Grisons, or the Cicadas as I will now refer to our team, should ever not score. You know that our QB play will be top notch and I expect nothing less out of my receivers. As for Team Truitt, or the Dung Beetles as I will now refer to them, they should be okay offensively but I doubt their defense will stop us mainly due to my amazing accuracy and creativity.

The Dung Beetles will also be suffering from a large dose of Brooks Wilson. If I recall, Wilson's last game was unimpressive. Actually, if I recall, his entire career has been unimpressive. Add in the fact that he has a child keeping him up late at night and I see a long day for Wilson.

You know I won't say much bad about Wil Truitt, he is solid and some might even say a legend. But, not even John Elway could win a Super Bowl without the proper players around him. Wil, I really feel bad that you are surrounded by such weak talent. Maybe you should hold out for a new team.

Reg Truitt.............what can you say about him. He is like Rich Gannon, a player who didn't hit his prime until late in his career. Unfortunately for Reg, I have a mental block on him and he'll stink the joint up this year. Is it a conincidence that Reg has had his best games the last three years while I've been on injured reserve??? Of course not, I own Reggie now just like I always have.

Josh Williamson is the man. After what the kid has been through, I have a hard time saying anything bad about him. That being said, he stinks. Not only from body odor but even more so from his play on the field. As much as I respect the kid and the heart that he plays with, I have a disdain for the stone hands that he has been cursed with. However, we love ya Josh and hope that you will be able to get out of clinicals and bless us with your play and pregame smack talk.

Ryan Tomlinson is the Dung Beetle's other player. If I recall there was once somebody of that same name who had a good game years and years ago. But, I'm pretty sure he hasn't been heard from since. Actually, I did an internet search on Ryan Tomlinson to see if I could be refreshed on who this kid is/was. The only thing I saw was an awfully gay looking guy wearing a brown apron selling jellies and jams at a Cracker Barrel. Now, nobody loves Cracker Barrel restaraunts any more than me, but I can't believe that the Corks would ever invite an apron wearing man to play in their game. Really makes me wonder about this kid. With that being said, I would like to recommend the Chicken-N-Dumplins from Cracker Barrel. Talk about a tasty treat. That is some good grub!!!

Okay, I suppose I should go throw a few more spirals before I go to bed. I've now gotten so accurate that I'm no longer throwing the football through an old tire. I've actually started throwing to much harder targets. I've actually began throwing the ball to ex-RHS receivers Kevin Katz and Trey Powers. I figure that if those two can catch my passes then anybody can!

Peace and remember,

"The Catfish Is A Plenty Good Enough Fish For Any Man"
-Mark Twain

K.R. Newell

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Willy Truitt Speaks with Lesley Visser About Cork Bowl 13

September 21st - Willy Truitt speaks candidly about the Zo’ril and the league during phone interview with Lesley Visser.  The long-time sports analyst who recently left Monday Night Football to cover Corkbowl^TM received an exclusive opportunity to interview the QB.  

Q: How do you feel about your chances in this year’s game? 

A: Well, I haven’t really thought about it too much. Being a veteran now, I let the organization do a lot of the behind the scenes work. I just worry about my job on the field. Every year people have questions, and I basically tell them the same thing every year. This organization was built around winning; I don’t see that changing anytime soon.  

Q: How will Jeff Henney be replaced? 

A: I don’t think you can replace a guy like Henney. Let’s face it; he is a top-tier player. With that said… I’ve lost a many great players before. You just pick up the pieces and carry on. I am looking forward to the challenge of this year’s game.  

Q: What about Greg Howard, what does his loss mean to this year’s game? 

A: Well Greg was a defensive stud for us, but we never were able to get there offensively. I don’t know what was going on in Greg’s life, but he just didn’t have the focus on offense. When we decided to cut Greg loose, I think our marketing department was the most upset. I don’t wear earrings, dye my hair, or lift weights… and I guess that is what sells with the 18-29 year old crowd. Tony Cork never messed with that junk, why should I? 

Q: Speaking of Tony Cork, is he really done? 

A: Your guess is as good as mine, but I think so. He doesn’t have much left to prove. 

Q: Do you think Kirby Newell can replace the void left at QB by him? 

A: Hmm, good question. I’ll tell you this; Kirby definitely thinks so. I shouldn’t say anything, but I hope Kirby can step up – it’s getting lonely at the top.  

Q: How ready do you think Brooks Wilson will be after a 7-year absence?  

A: He’ll be ready, but it might take a quarter to get him up to speed. But that’s why we play four. It’s no secret that we will need him to step up, but I expect everyone to step up. If anyone shows up not ready, we are in trouble. 

Q: Have you talked to your brother recently about the retirement speculation that popped up on the Internet over a month ago? 

A: Yeah, I talk to him all the time about that stuff. He thought it was pretty stupid and unsubstantial, but his merchandise sales went up for a week or so.  

Well that is all the time we have for now, thank you for tuning in and next week's guest is scheduled to be Zo’ril receiver Josh Williamson.  


Visser is the answer to the infamous and very liberal “Scoop”… her radio show “The Right Side” can be heard Wednesday evenings from 7-9pm central.

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Brooks Wilson Rips Newell and Young Players

September 22nd - I am astonished at the level of decline the Cork Bowl tradition is experiencing. Rule changes to accommodate sickly, ego-driven "stars?"  Lack of physicality for fear of injury?  No rushing the passer?  Where were these pansies when Cork Bowl cost Garrard a tooth?  Or when Jamie Turner and Nick Stephens collided head first?  None of these clowns know the ferocity of a "Bulldog Boyd charge".

The lack of respect from the current Cork Bowl players toward the men who built the game is staggering.  To hear Kirby talk about my unimpressive career sickens my stomach.  Rule or no rule, he better watch his back on November 22nd.  He just might be retrieving his broken leg from the stands after I'm done with him. 

--Brooks

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Irv Smith Interviews Chris Cork

September 23rd - From the desk of Irv Cross.

In my first football-related assignment since CBS first lost NFL coverage, I had the opportunity to interview sure-fire Cork Bowl Hall of Famer Chris Cork about this year's upcoming game. Here are the highlights.

Irv: "So after two consecutive disappointing losses, do you still think you have another Cork Bowl ring in you?"

CC: "Absolutely. I'm actually already preparing to win two in a row. Cork Bowl 14 is only 425 or so days away."

Irv: "How about Kirby Newell's return to the game?"

CC: "I don't think there's any question it's great for the game. And for our team too. His presence alone shakes up the opposition so I feel like we're ahead right now. In fact, I think I can hear them shaking in their boots already. That, or the clanging I just heard was Williamson dropping a pass in practice."

Irv: "Any concerns about your age or your team's health? Your roster does have some injury history."

CC: "We don't have any liabilities there Irv. We have a roster of winning football players. It's not like Tomlinson is on the team."

Irv: "What do you think of Brooks Wilson's return to Cork Bowl?"

CC: "To tell you the truth, Irv, when I was told Wilson was playing, I thought it was Noah Wilson (Brooks's oldest son). He expressed some interest in joining our team several weeks back when we were still finalizing rosters. Then I found out it was Brooks Wilson who was playing. I'm not sure he can still find the field. Someone may want to send him directions so he doesn't miss the game."

Irv: "Noah Wilson tried to join the Grisons?"

CC: "Well, we weren't the Grisons yet, but yeah. He said two adults who know all his moves couldn't keep up with him so he didn't think he'd have any trouble with Cork Bowl. But we just weren't ready to commit that kind of money to a youngster. We want to win now and it would've taken some time to integrate Noah into our scheme. He's going to be a good one, though, Irv. Easily the best Wilson to play in a Cork Bowl."

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Kirby Newell Responds to Wilson's Remarks

September 27th -

To fellow Cork Bowl participants:

Well, apparently my character has been attacked by one Mr. Brooke Wilson. First of all, I would like to start off by saying that I thought that BROOKE was a girl's name. Oh yeah, he's tried to change his name to Brooks, but we all know it is really Brooke. Plus, why would you change your name to Brooks? I had a pair of Brook's shoes one time and they were crap. That adjetive reminds me of Brooke's play on the football field.

Secondly, the fact that Brooks is attacking me for "challanging the integrity of the game" is ludicrous. Let's be honest, Brooks hasn't played in a game since the 80's. Now he thinks that he can come and attack players from the modern era. Who does this guy think he is? I'll tell you who I think he is, I think he's a little baby who's going to get dominated!!! Yeah Brooke, that's right, DOMINATED. Whoever you are covering could have 20 touchdowns this year!

Thirdly, Brooke is a minister. I really have to question the integrity of a minister who attacks people. Anyone reading this webpage who attends Pastor Brooke's church, you might want to investigate where your offering money is going. Brooke, is that a new tennis bracelet you're wearing?? Where did the money for that come from I wonder???? Could you imagine if you were in the hospital and Pastor Brooke came to see you? He'd probably start mocking you, dancing a jig and asking, "Can you do this? I CAN!!!" But that is just the kind of guy that Pastor Brooke is. Also, should Brooke really be playing a football game on a Saturday? Shouldn't he be preparing a sermon or something?

Finally Brooke, I just want you to know that I had nothing to do in requesting the rule change. I'm fully prepared to play tackle football and if that is going to be a problem, I'd gladly wear flags instead. So, Brooke, go have a baby or something.

Sincerely,

Kirby Newell

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Wilson Continues Banter with Newell

October 8th - I'm shocked and dismayed at the level of mud slinging by Mr. Kirby Newell. His best criticism is making fun of my name. Really, should someone named "Kirby" be making fun of names? I'll let the league decide.

And as for this domination of which you speak, where is it going to come from? That rag arm being propelled by a gimp leg? The fact that you'll have all day in the pocket (a product of your constant whining to the league) still doesn't translate into completions or points. I think the Zo'ril defense will be catching more of your passes then your own team. We're equal to the task.

Now, quit wasting the readers' time, Newell, with personal attacks and character assassinations. Your best option now is to prepare for a devastating defeat or to simply quit before November 22nd. You decide. Your Cork Bowl Hall of Fame status is in the balance.

Brooks

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Greg Howard Weighs In

October 14th - Well after a long off-season I am happy to finally say that I'm in tip-top shape; in fact maybe even the best shape of my life! After showing up to training camp and seeing how hardcore the Cork brothers are training, I realized I had to step it up a notch. So, I decided to start a rigorous training program which consists of 10 push-ups a day and 20 sit-ups a day. I'm also eating approximately a dozen eggs a day for protein to make my muscles big (not only that but I'm a fart factory now too.) Anyway, I can't wait to show the league the change in my catching skills. The Truitts are going to be sad they ever traded me. I can't blame them though, I hear the water boy (Williamson) and paraplegic cheerleader (Brooks) they picked up are working out great. We'll see how much of an impact they are come game time. I'm guessing not much because Reggie will always be "open" somewhere on the field.

-Greg "Hero in a half-shell" Howard

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Patrick Cork Touts Grisons

October 16th - I will echo Greg's sentiments that Chris and I are in phenomenal physical condition for this year's game. My 11-month rehab has gone as smooth as I could have hoped for and that will mean nothing but good things for the Grisons. It amazes me how quiet both teams have been leading up to this year's game. It makes me wonder if the Zo'ril are that concerned about losing Henney. We all know Henney was the only reason they won the last two years. He was surrounded by a bunch of middle-of-the-road players that did just enough not to cost their team the game. With him gone, there's no telling what we'll see.

I have nothing but confidence in my teammates leading up to this year's game. We have a gunslinger at quarterback that is so anxious to get back on the field that he decided to get married last weekend so he could have someone around the house to throw passes to. Greg feels like a new man after being released from the handcuffs of the Truitt offense the past two years. Greg was on the road to becoming a premier receiver in this game before he got involved in that offensive system that nearly ruined him. Willy may have good numbers, but he never figured out how to use Greg effectively. No matter what he may say, it has nothing to do with Greg's hands either. Greg's hands are as soft as Ryan Tomlinson's play. Robert Trimble is chomping at the bit to go after his childhood hero Ryan Tomlinson. It will be yet another chapter added to the story of Tomlinson's annual decline in performance. Eventually he might actually have negative receptions. Kevin Ryan is rejuvenated with his recent move back to Crawford County and is simply fed up with losing Cork Bowls. Chris is more motivated than I've ever seen him and is planning on putting on a clinic for Mr. Wilson. Hopefully Wilson isn't so embarrassed that he quits at halftime. Chris has never been the same since Kirby retired because he felt like he lost the only true rivalry in this game. With Kirb on his side, and Wilson back in uniform, I won't be surprised when Chris puts up huge numbers. I am fully recovered mentally from the injury last December, and nearly all the way back physically. I'm still shocked to find out that there was a bounty out on me for the game that Reggie Truitt reportedly collected six figures on. I never thought Cork Bowl would stoop to that level.

The lack of pass rushing can only mean good things for the Grisons on both sides of the ball. Defensively, our team is planning on dishing out plenty of punishment. As mentioned earlier, Henney is the only reason his teams won the past two years. Take away his three interception returns in Cork Bowl 11, and the Bandicoots only score 91 points that year. That's not gonna win a Cork Bowl. Take Henney away, and I wouldn't be surprised to see the Zo'ril under 80 this year. Offensively, if you give Kirby Newell time to throw he's gonna complete passes. He's used to carrying an entire team on his wide shoulders, so knowing that he doesn't have to do that this year will take any pressure off that he may have had coming out of retirement. How in the world are the Zo'ril going to cover our receivers? With no fear of a blitzing defender, and the ability to go 4-wide on every play, there's no limit to the number of points the Grisons can put on the board. And remember Zo'ril players, your Hartebeests ran the score up on the helpless Meerkats last year in the 4th quarter. Expect no mercy from the Grisons on the 22nd. Things like that are not quickly forgotten.

Comeback Player of the Year
-P-to-the-C -- #87

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Newell Reacts to Doubters

October 17th - To all Cork Bowl Participants:

Well fellas, I just want to let you guys know that I think that you are all great people. Even Brooke Wilson is a good person. However, some of you are not that great of football players. I won't mention any names because those 2 or 3 people know who they are. However, I would just like to say that I am good and I know I'm good. But, most importantly, you all know I'm good too. So, to Brooke and anybody else foolish enough to question my skills or my heart, look out.

In my favorite movie, TOMBSTONE, there is a classic line that I think rings true in this situation. "You called down the thunder and now you're gonna get it. I'm comin' and hell's comin' with me!!" I don't think that is exactly right, but you get the gist of it. So, I just want to inform everyone that I will be at the top of the QB world. As for Willy being lonely, he will still be lonely because he WILL be knocked out of the penthouse. He won't be in the outhouse because he's been too good for too long be be out there. However, he will be knocked down a notch. It hurts me to say that because Willy has been such a big part of my past success. Thanks Willy, it is nothing personal.

Also, I would once again like to ring in that I think this not tackling and no rushing rule is riduculous. I want to go on record once again as saying that I'm game for touch, flag, tackle, or gladiator style football. It makes no difference to me because I will have checked down to my 4th receiver by the time any rush will have gotten to me. As we all know, the end result will be a touchdown.

Also, I have no idea what a Zo'ill or a Grison is, but I definitely would like to go back to more traditional names.

Okay, also I would just like to thank those of you who were able to make it to my recent wedding. So far I have to say that married life is good. With the new diet (not McDonald's 3 meals a day), I am arguably still in the worse shape of my life. But, my mental toughness will make up for it. So, thanks everyone that made it. However, there is one person whom disappointed me greatly by not making it. He knows who he is and he will pay. Let's just say that I will throw one interception in the game. But, it will be an intentional interception so that I can lay this fella out!! That is not a threat, just a fact.

With peace, love, and joy,

Kirby

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Newell Continues to Tout Himself

October 22nd - I would just like to forewarn the Zorillas or whatever the heck they are that I am completely mentally prepared for Cork Bowl. I�m definitely not physically prepared, nor do I plan to be, but I have have purchased NCAA Football 2001 to get into the right frame of mind.

I figure that by playing a college football season on PlayStation, I�ll get about as prepared as I can in any other way. You see, in the college game, you can�t lose if you want a shot at the championship. Although the game has not arrived yet, I have rented it a couple times and my multi-faceted offensive attack is pretty much impossible to stop. Can you imagine how much tougher it will be to stop the real-life Kirby Newell at QB rather than the computer-run Kirby Newell? The Zorillas, or heck let�s just go back to calling them the dung beetles, are lucky that we don�t run the option in Cork Bowl. There is no way, and I repeat, no way we would ever not score (especially since I�m not supposed to get tackled this year). By the way, do I get to wear a yellow jersey or something to remind people of that? Anywho, I tend to run an offense from the global playbook. I score most every time. I�m a defensive coordinator�s worst nightmare. Truitt boys, you might want to contact Bill Belicheck or maybe even Buddy Ryan for help (I�d stay away from Terry Roche because he never could design a defense to stop a passing attack.)

Anyway, I plan on leading several different teams to the national championship before it�s all said and done. I think I�ll start by leading the Colorado Buffaloes to the championship since they�ve made it perfectly clear they won�t do it in real-life. By the time it is all said and done, I will add a national championship notch to my gun as well as another Cork Bowl victory!

Good luck Truitts. I hope you don�t stay up nights trying to figure out how to stop our team (I can�t remember the name, but we�ll just call ourselves the Buffaloes for today!)

--K.R. Newell

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Wilson Chimes in on Garrard and Newell

October 23rd - Injury Update: Kirby Newell - strained jawbone and yellow belly

I can't believe that Newell is blasting the addition of Brian Garrard to his squad. Once again, the young and foolish discard the experienced and wise. I shouldn't expect anything else from the young married boy. After all, I was dominating the Cork Bowl when he was at home eating Fruit Loops and watching Barney. Not much has changed for him over the years.

My only hope is that Kirby and Brian can reconcile before the game. Brian will always have a position on the Zo'ril squad if he wants it. I also hope that long-time legend Chris Cork won't be shown this kind of age discrimination. If Newell doesn't utilize one of the greatest receivers in the game, then he will show the world stage what I already know to be true - he's a senseless (and bombastic) hick from Flat Rock.

Brooks

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Reggie Truitt Answers Questions from Lesley Visser

October 23rd - Reggie Truitt speaks candidly about Zo�ril and the league during phone interview with Lesley Visser

Long-time sports analyst who recently left Monday Night Football to cover CorkbowlTM received an exclusive opportunity to interview the QB.

Q: Welcome to the show tonight!

A: Thank you, it�s good to be on.

Q: Are you looking forward to this year�s game?

A: Getting there, with the help of Kirb Newell, the Scoop, etc., I�m sure I�ll be fired up by the 22nd.

Q: Yes, there has been a lot of talk in the press lately about your team and how things are run. Most specifically the Greg Howard statements, how do you feel about what he has been saying?

A: That upsets me and the whole organization. I don�t understand all of the finger pointing after back-to-back championships and the dynasty we were building, but whatever. Those of us who were in the huddle know why he was so mad, and it wasn�t because we weren�t trying to get him the ball. He can spin it however he wants, but he knows and we know the real reason. I hate to burn on Greg, because he played his heart out for us the past two years and he was a huge part of what we were about. I guess he gave up; it takes a lot to hang at this level.

Q: He has been saying quite a bit through various news sources?

A: He can say whatever he wants to the press, but if he shows any disrespect on the field, he�ll get his.

Q: At a recent CorkbowlTM player autograph session in Kalamazoo, Michigan; you made it clear that your expectations for this year�s team are much lower than the last two.

A: Well, I still have high expectations. What I was trying to say was we had something going, something major built. It was strong. Then the Howard situation kinda hit us as a surprise, and it wasn�t even a week later that our big playmaker Henney got a great opportunity in NFL Europe. The wheels just kinda fell off, and we had to refocus. I just hope everyone is happy where they are and Jeff knows the door is still open here.

Q: There has been a lot of talk about a possible retirement?

A: Well, I think that is pure speculation at this point. I�ve thought about it, but I think about a lot after each year�s game. The fact is, I am still having a ton of fun out there, and I think I still make a huge difference each year.

Well that is all the time we have for now, thank you for tuning in and next weeks guest is scheduled to be Zo�ril receiver Josh Williamson.

Visser is the answer to the infamous and very liberal �Scoop�� her radio show �The Right Side� can be heard Wednesday evenings from 7-9pm central.

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Kirby Newell Still After Wilson

October 24th - Hey Brook,

Hey buddy, I only really have one thing to know. I have more Cork Bowl experience than you or Garrard. So why are you calling me young and inexperienced? I hope your sermons are more factual than your trash talk. I don't have any idea what you might be saying about the Gospel if you can't keep your facts straight!!

On the other hand Brook, "It's Hooper's Time Sir, Hooper's Time". For the rest of you, that is an inside joke that only Brook and I will really get.

K.R. Newell

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Visser Responds to the "Scoop"

Oct 24, 2003 (New York) � There has been recent confusion over the �The Right Side�. It is a weekly radio show hosted by myself, Lesley Visser. It is in response to the liberal �Scoop�. Unfortunately representatives from the �Scoop� were confused by the way our show was described. We regret this confusion, and in no way want to be confused with someone such as the �Scoop�.

We would like to thank Mr. Scoop for the lesson in Political Science. Obviously �The Right Side� is conservative, and �The Scoop� is very liberal (Left Side) which is exactly what we have said in our recent interviews. The "Scoop" apparently is so egotistical that he thinks my show, "The Right Side", is his show. Someone with his intellect should go into teaching, and help America�s troubled youth.

We never insinuated who the �Scoop� was, nor do we care. Lastly, we would like to interview guests from all over the league. Our process is simple, just interview yourself and email it to Cork Bowl�s webmaster.

Contacts:
LVisser Inc.
(p) 326-555-VISR
(f) 326-556-VISR
(e) [email protected]

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Jeff Henney Checks in from NFL Europe

October 27 - From NFL Europe, Jeff Henney submits his top ten questions for the "Scoop", the Commish, Lesley Visser, and/or whomever else you deem appropriate:

1. Will the Flat Rock Jersey come out of retirement?

2. Will Tony Cork be held accountable for his mismanagement of Corklestick Park?

3. Is the record book for "all-time sacks" now closed with the administration of the new rules? How about "rushing touchdowns"?

4. Will the wives of Newell, P. Cork, and Wilson all be present at the game? What are their predictions ....or, better yet, their feelings regarding their husbands' participation? Are they being influenced by Judy?

5. Has the Scoop ever actually shown his face? In particular, what would Greg Howard do if he ever met the Scoop in a dark alley?

6. Has a spokesperson from Dr. Pepper issued any statements regarding Cork Bowl 13?

7. Did Newell petition to be the game's first one-way player because of his physical state or because he wanted to spend half of the game on the sidelines with his bride? Hmmm.....

8. Considering their past, will Chris Cork and Newell be able to trust each other as teammates?

9. While history may record this year's rule changes as "Kirby's Return", will there be anyone more thrilled than Chris Cork (since he will be relieved of 2 years of constant offensive line play)?

10. After facing the veteran arm of Willy Truitt, will Robert Trimble's nickname become "Tremble" or "Nimble"?

--Henney

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Ryan Tomlinson Finally Speaks

October 28 - First of all, I don't know about this whole "No Rush" stuff. I think it's going to hurt the Grisons more than they know. Without Greg putting pressure on Willy, Willy will be able to have all the time in the world to make a perfect throw to any of his outstanding recievers. Secondly, why in the world does Lesley Visser have a radio show? I mean you can't see her on the radio, and isn't seeing her half the fun? Moving back to Cork Bowl, I'm afraid that once again, much like last year, that the teams are just too uneven and the younger, more agile Zo'ril will quickly dispatch of the Grisons. Congratulations to Kirby on the the wedding I wish I could have been there.

--Ryan

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Kirby Newell Not Buying What Tomlinson is Selling

October 29 - Hello Players,

I just wanted to know why all you guys have agents? As you all know, I have been representing myself quite nicely for years. After my experience with P-Diddy (at that time he was Puff Daddy) as my agent when I was a rookie, I learned very quickly that you can't trust anybody. Why pay somebody a commission to represent me in contract negotioations. Of course, it is much easier to negotiate a contract for someone such as myself whom is always going to get the maximum.

As for Ryan Tomlinson, quit kissing up. You missed the wedding with some lame excuse about your car. Tomlinson, let's face it. You were too LAZY to make the trip. You could have caught a ride with someone if you had really wanted to make the trip. I mean, c'mon Tomlinson, you could have gotten a free meal. I've never known you to pass up a free meal in as long as I've known you. So, I know that you either are that LAZY or were too, how shall we say, unable to drive. Either way, I don't need your excuses. I'm going to throw an interception to you on purpose after we have a huge lead just so I can take you out!! Okay, maybe not because I don't make threats. So, I take that back. (however, off the record I will get in a shot on you)

Okay, gotta go.

Greg Howard for President in 2036!

Kirby

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Greg Howard Takes on "Scoop" and Zo'ril

October 30th - In the "Scoop's" most recent article he says that he is doing the manly thing by admitting his mistake, but if no one has ever seen the "Scoop", and supposedly Josh and I hit on the "scoop" at the wedding, then how do we know he isn't really a she? It seems obvious enough to me. Let us review: the "scoop" always makes comments about Josh and me being gay (she's mad because she can't have us), she's in love with Kirby (secret love affair), and she hates Lesley Visser (new girl on the block). Now I realize that for making these statements the "scoop" will criticize me and cut me down. He/she will say the same things he/she always says and rip on me about my earrings or being "gay" and of course we can't forget about the short jokes and last but not least, I love the comments about having stone hands. Basically she/he doesn't really have anything new or insightful to say. So I say to you "scoop": try coming up with something creative! Until then keep up the good work, who or what ever you are.

Not too long ago Reggie talked with Lesley Visser in an interview which included, among other things, some comments directed towards me. The most important of these comments is when he states that "if Greg shows any disrespect on the field, he'll get his." There are a lot of things I would like to say to that but I'll limit them to just two. First, what am I going to get and who on that sorry excuse of a team is going to give it to me? Secondly, the only disrespect you'll get from me is me dancing in front of you in the endzone. Be afraid Zo'ril.....be very afraid.

Greg "hero in a half-shell" Howard

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Update on Team Zo'ril

October 31st - UPDATE FROM CAMP ZO�RIL --- NEWS, NOTES & MORE

CHARLESTON � On Monday, team officials spoke with reporters outside the Zo�ril hacienda to comment on the pending Cork BowlTM victory.

NEWS - All players arrived sometime throughout the day on Monday, but the most interesting part of the day was what appeared to be a man who was covered with a tarp to hide his identity. The team would not comment on, nor deny that there are suspicious activities going on at the facilities. They would only say that they are taking precautions and want to be ready for the game. Internet message board rumors pointed towards a certain veteran QB who happens to be retired and available for the 2004 game, but that was quickly squashed by team representative Dave Meggett. �Tony Cork is a great QB, but I don�t see the fit for this team...not right now.� More speculation was later fueled by the look and tone of quarterback Willy Truitt. When asked about the Tony Cork rumors, the veteran stated, �Yes that would be a surprise to me, but with the death threats Kirby Newell has been putting out, maybe we should get a sixth man for the game.� After a tangent about how small market teams still don�t have a chance against large market teams and how bad the Yankees are for baseball, Truitt finished his Tony Cork thoughts with, �The more I think about it, if Tomlinson goes down like Kirby is promising � I might have to go out on the field as a wide out.�

NOTES � Ryan Tomlinson was recently been making promotional appearances on the behalf of team Zo�ril and PUMA when he was lost for several days. Management did not speculate where he was, because that is the worst thing you could do.

MORE - When members of the press asked wide receiver Josh Williamson what he thought about the latest barbs between Kirby and Ryan he stated, �As I�ve matured I�ve learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed, and I think someone will find that out.�

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Kirby Newell Defends Greg Howard

November 1st - Okay, it's time I speak up. Everybody knows that I'm the "Scoop's" biggest fan, but even I think tha "Scoop" should ease up on Greg Howard "Cosell" (I'm sure that will be a "same name" category on Wheel Of Fortune someday). Listen up "Scoop", Greg is my teammate this year and I will not have you picking on him until after he proves or disproves himself this year.

I believe that "Scoop" should stop making short jokes. I know, they are so easy. But, Greg didn't know that steriods would stunt his growth when he started on them. He thought that they were like Flintsonte vitamins. Tasty and good for you. So, lay off of those short jokes, or at least focus them on Williamson.

Also "Scoop", Greg doesn't need people to tell him that he is gay. I think somewhere inside that Greg is hetrosexual. I just think that he has been told that he is gay for so long that he has started to believe and act on these feelings. I'm very happy that Greg was with a lady at Jane and I's wedding. That is the kind of baby steps that will get Greg back where he needs to be. Again, focus your jokes on Williamson. He has earrings and wears tight shirts too, just like Greg. I really think we should focus on Greg's accomplishments on the football field.

"Scoop", don't make fun of Greg's hands anymore. Sure, he hasn't caught a lot of balls over the last couple of years. But, in his defense, he hasn't been thrown to that often. I think Greg will have a break out year. I look for him to have at least 5 or 6 catches and 3 or 4 touchdowns. I don't know if the Truitts used Greg correctly. I think that Greg should be your 4th option on every play. I think that a lot of times that the Truitts would look at their other 3 players twice before going to Greg, making Greg option #7. I think that Greg will catch the ball this year. I think that Greg will have a huge defensive game, I think that Greg will be on the winning team again, AND..............I think that Greg will finish in the TOP 10 in the MVP voting!!

So "Scoop", lay off Greg. He's a good kid. Such a good kid in fact, that I'm pushing Greg for President in 2036!! Vote Greg Howard for President in 2036, it's never too early to start thinking about the future of your country.

Speaking of politics, in 2036, Chris Cork should be finishing up his 2nd term in office. I would personally like to thank Chris for a wonderful and unexpected wedding present as well as for saving our country during his presidency. Chris, I will make sure you catch 1 pass for every dollar that you gave my wonderful wife and I!! Thanks, you're the swellest!

"Greg Howard for President in 2036"

Kirby

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Ryan Tomlinson Has Some Words for the "Scoop" and Newell

November 3rd - First off, I would like to make my plea to the commish to get rid of the part of the website with "The Scoop's" comments on it. I've given him a chance but it is time to get rid of him. The recent attacks on Greg Howard's leadership ability were the final straw. I've known Greg for many years and haven't met a better leader. Scoop obviously doesn't know what he's talking about. Maybe if he had something interesting or insightful to say I would say keep him, but he doesn't.

In a recent press release, comments were made about my disappearence from camp for several days. I would like to apologize formally to my teammates and fans for leaving training camp unexpectedly. I recieved an urgent call from Governor-Elect Schwarzennegger that the fires in California were out of control and I was the only hope to put them out. However, now that I have gotten them under control I will return to camp. Again I apologize and would like to say nothing is more important than winning Cork Bowl 13.

Kirby, yes I am lazy. I won't argue with you on that....Well I thought I had something to say in my defense about being lazy, but i don't. I know you'll throw an interception to me, but I know it won't be on purpose. I just hope I don't re-break your fragile leg with all the air resistance that will be put on it from me blowing by you and into the endzone.

--Ryan "Might as well just give me the ring now because the Zo'ril are going to blow the Grisons out of the water so bad it's going make them cry for days" Tomlinson

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Kirby Newell Against Tony Cork's Lawsuit

November 4th - I would like to go on record as saying that I've always loved and always will love Coach Cork (in the way a friend loves a friend, not in the way that Greg and Josh love each other). He is a great man, great friend, great coach, great leader, and was at one time a great football player. However, he has aged almost as quickly as Chris and Reggie's beloved Oakland Raiders!!

Coach, you have to admit that your performance wasn't impressive last year. As for you getting away from the rush, you should have read the defense quicker. I didn't want the rules changed. I'm quite confident that I could take the hits of tackle if there was a rush, and I WISH that there was. I got ran over by a steer 2 summers ago and I got right back up. Nobody on the Zoril's is a steer. So, don't be angry with me, be angry with Team Truitt for instigating the rule change.

Also Coach, you don't have to tell us that you will be doing plenty of talking when the game starts. You have to remember that I have announced with you in the past. You wouldn't let me talk and I had funny things to say. You were more interested in the baby on the sideline and the dogs. So, I'm SURE that none of us can wait to hear what you have to say for this year's game. Speaking of which, could you tell us about the track team that beat Casey and all of their studs? Greg and Ryan need to hear about some true leaders! Don't worry though Coach, I'll show both of them some true leadership on game day!

As for your defensive play for the last..........well for every year that you have played, well, it has been below par. You could say that you wouldn't need Robert to sub for you. Coach, you definitely needed somebody to sub for you on both offense and defense last year!! Robert may not be much, but I've got a feeling that he'll do fine. I do know that you might as well have not played on defense the last 4 times you've played. That is the general consensus too. Yeah, Greg, Tomlinson, and Williamson would never admit that but we all know that it is true!!!

Anywho Coach, we all love you and are glad that you are going to be part of the game. We hope that you don't sue, but if you do sue I would recommend Matt Hartrich!!

"Greg Howard for President in 2036!"

Kirby

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Fan From French Lick Weighs In

November 5th - The following was received from a long-time Cork Bowl fan in French Lick, Indiana.

Guys, I was just thinkin':

1) That the World Series of Poker is the most underated even in sports!

2) That Robert Trimble is in for a rude awakening.

3) That the Raiders are REALLY, REALLY bad.

4) That Danny Kanell is no Willy Truitt.

5) That when Coach Cork started playing football they wore leather helmets.

6) That Greg Howard has a big heart (possibly from steroid use)

7) That "The Scoop" cracks me up.

8) That Kirby Newell's wife is hot!

9) That Chris Cork really might be the whitest man on earth (with all due respect to Craig Beals).

10) That this year's game is going to be lots of fun.

On a personal note, I would just like to say that I love the CORK BOWL website. I find it really funny and entertaining. However, I don't know why nobody ever writes except for "The Scoop" and Newell. It would be a lot more fun if others would participate a bit more. You have to take advantage of these things while you can. Before long you'll all be married (see Reggie Truitt) and won't have time for all of this breww-ha-ha.

Signed:

"A LONG TIME FAN"

FRENCH LICK, IN

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Zo'ril Release Statement Regarding Potential Tony Cork Lawsuit

November 5th - CHARLESTON, Illinois � Team representative Dave Meggett met with the press Tuesday morning and answered questions about the Tony Cork statements. Meggett wanted to make it clear that the team stands behind the league, and would also like to take on some of the blame regarding the �no rush� rule. �As an organization, we were concerned about the health of Kirby Newell, and did not take into account the emotions and desire of Tony Cork.�

He went on to state, �Obviously, had we known how this year's game was going to be played, we would have made the proper roster changes to our team. We would have been very interested in having the �cagey� veteran QB�ing for us.� Meggett reiterated that no one saw this coming and it appears that Tony was victim of circumstances. Reporters were later able to catch up to quarterback Willy Truitt after his mid-morning workout. He also stated remorse for the Tony Cork situation, but did offer this, �As a member of the quarterbacking fraternity I hate to see it, I really do. I have played against him for the past few years, but if I � or the team would have known what was going to happen...I think you probably would have seen me at wide receiver this year.� Truitt went on to say that it is probably too late to make anything happen for this year, but next year may be different. He also admitted that it would have been hard to fit Tony Cork�s veteran�s minimum salary under the cap.

Wide receiver Josh Williamson was doing doughnuts to try and sign his name into the asphalt in the parking lot when reporters stopped him and asked about the potential lawsuit. Williamson stated, �Maybe these fumes have gotten to me, but wouldn�t that be against his best interest?� Williamson added, �If you think these doughnuts are something, just wait �til you see my end-zone dances.�

Meggett later spoke to the media about Ryan Tomlinson's admission of laziness. He saw no signs of laziness when Ryan came to camp late last week, but the organization does like the attitude Tomlinson has brought to this year's squad. Meggett stated, �The last few years people may have argued that Ryan didn�t do a whole lot, but this year he has a rookie guarding him. We know Ryan will run him over every single chance he gets, actually we plan on creating the opportunities.�

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Kevin Ryan Predicting Good Things for Grisons

November 9th - I've already been told that there isn't enough trash talking going on this year. See what happens when you put me and Greg on the same team. With the pitiful performance we all had last year, I really feel sorry for the whole Zo'ril team, especially Tomlinson - he has to stop me. We know he can't do it by himself, he's got to have help. I'm after the only thing that has eluded me in my Cork Bowl career. MVP!!!!!!!! Henney stole it in CB 11, I won't stand for it again. I look forward to running through all those skunks. With my allergies I won't be able to smell their stench.

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Ryan Tomlinson Names Names

November 10th - Kevin Ryan - I'm going to make you some promises right now so listen up-you will NOT be MVP, you will NOT catch more than 3 passes, you will NOT catch any TD's however, you WILL go home a sad and broken man. Just thought I would give you some warning.

Coach Cork-I would just like to say that I would love to see you in the game, but please don't sue. Cork Bowl does not need the tarnish of such a cagey veteran suing.

Robert Trimble-Congratulations on going to state. It's just too bad that after this year's Cork Bowl you'll probably be hurt so bad you'll never get to run again.

Willy Truitt-I don't have to say anything to you I know the arm will be ready.

Josh Williamson-Did you get your name spelled in the parking lot? That is quite an impressive feat. I can't wait to see the endzone dance - I know you'll be doing a lot of them. Just don't do the lawnmower...that's my move.

--Ryan "Larry Bird Sucks" Tomlinson

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Newell Finds Tomlinson Hilarious

November 12th - I only have a short little bit to say today (I know that everyone is disappointed). What the HECK is Ryan Tomlinson saying in his last message?? Did he flunk English 101? Seriously Ryan, but I'm quite confused by your message. How's about using a comma or quotation marks. Anywho, I look forward to seeing Kevin Ryan and Tomlison go at it. I think it will be quite humorous. I won't say who will be doing the laughing though. I think we all know.

"Greg Howard for President in 2036"

Kirby

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Williamson Makes Predictions

November 15th - Corkbowl 13 Gameday Predictions:

There is always a lot of talk out of the players as gameday approaches. A lot of predictions are made, but with little evidence to back them up. Predictions are always hard to make regardless of how things seem to align with statistics from previous games, similar gametime conditions, and player/team line-ups. But this year appears to be even harder to make a prediction.

We have the possibility of playing in weather conditions never played in the previous 12 Cork Bowls. We also face changes in rushing rules which could significantly impact the pace of the game and thus the play of the outcome. Lastly, and probably most importantly, there will be the largest percentage of married players in this year's game. And let's not forget that one of those people is Kirby Newell, which probably means that the Earth has stopped rotating and that anything could happen.

With that being said, I predict that Willy Truitt's petition will be approved by the league and that he will play the game in the nude. Along the same lines, expect a lot of confusion early on the defensive side for the Grisons because Willy will have them wondering "where's the ball?" As the game goes on, there should be less confusion as gametime temperatures will effect the balls; particularly Truitt's!

Prediction: Zo'ril by 3 touchdowns.

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Newell Makes His Predictions

November 18th

Well Cats,

Here it is less than a week away from the big day. I haven't been this nervous since I got married! It is a good thing that the game isn't being played in Watseka. We had approximately 8 feet of rain last night. Yeah, no kidding, 8 freakin' feet! I definitely think that the field could be a factor in this year's game.

I also wanted to warn the Zo'ril. I'm in the best shape of my life (round, rounder than I've ever been). My body may be slow but my mind is quick. Perhaps the only thing quicker than my mind is my release. Not that it matters with this no stinkin' rushing rule. I was, and still am, fully prepared to absolutely destroy any blitz package out there. Despite Reggie's claims, the Zo'ril defense isn't exactly the '85 Bears defense.

I'm not going to go out and make any proposterous predictions. However, I think this game will be a shoot-out. I figure that both teams will score most every time, especially if it is a wet field. However, with "offensive mastermind" Brian Garrard on our side, I figure we should score at least 6,000 points. Garrard has always been known as a football guru and I'm SO excited that he'll be giving me advice on the sidelines. Oh by the way, I seem to be coming down with some ear infections in both ears. I'm not sure if I'll be able to hear him now....

Team Truitt will be a force to be reckoned with offensively if Brooke Wilson has anything left in his tank. From what I hear, his tank has gotten considrably bigger since we last saw him. What a performance he put on that year!! You know Wil-Doggy-Dawg and Reggie Machtley will be ready to play. But you have to wonder about Tomlinson and Williamson.

Williamson is consistent, but by no means a force. He'll make the plays he is expected to, but can he break the big play? I guess we'll have to wait and see. As for Tomlinson, I'll be impressed if he can make it to the game, I mean with all the car problems he has going on and stuff.

I figure the Cork Tandem will be in full force. Chris is supposedly more pumped than ever before. Patrick is always ready to go when it comes game time. Although I haven't seen Kevin Ryan in a couple of years, I'm sure that he is going to be a fireball as well. Or is that butterball? Greg, if he doesn't OD before the game, should be solid. I'm not sure if THG is a banned drug in Cork Bowl or not. Even if it is, I don't see how the appeal can be settled before the game. Then, there's Trimble. An unknown. Such an unknown in fact that I'm not sure that Bob Laswell could figure him out. We'll just all have to wait and see.

Anywho, I love the OC on Fox Network. You should all watch it. What a great show, it rocks!!!!

"Greg Howard for President in 2036"

Kirby

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Patrick Cork Adds His CB 13 Predictions

November 19th - Since Kirby and Josh have started what may become a landslide of predictions on this year's game, I thought I'd add my own thoughts to the list:

1. With the temperature expected to be 65 degrees, I predict Greg will be stripped down to a sleeveless shirt by halftime.

2. Either Reggie or Wilson will approach the single-game record for tackles by having to drag down Chris and me all afternoon.

3. The Grisons will put four receivers in double-digits in receptions.

4. Eric Dean will perform flawlessly behind the microphone for a third time and will get involved in some riveting discussions with Tony Cork about dogs, babies and old people that can "still throw the ball".

5. If the temperature cools off at all, I expect Brian Garrard to be doing his coaching from the hot tub in the second half.

6. Robert Trimble will get the best of Ryan Tomlinson.

7. Kirby Newell will have 18 different celebration dances - one for every touchdown pass he will throw.

8. Garrard and Newell will get into a heated argument on the sidelines at some point over playcalling.

9. The Grisons defensive schemes will frustrate the Zo'ril all afternoon and will hold them to 105 points.

10. The Grisons will win - and it might not be close (133-105).

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Reggie Truitt Compares Grisons to Golden State Warriors

November 20th - First I would like to thank "the scoop" for disappearing in the last 2 weeks. Well done, I heard retirement was near for her.

I would also like to say that this Cork Bowl will be a record-breaker for more than one participant. I myself will be one breaking records this year. Last year I posted a defensive record, this year offensive. With the current rule of no rushing the score will be out of the roof. Plus cork bowlers getting older, slower, and unhealthier; defense is sure to struggle. Unless, Coach Cork and Eric Dean can mysteriously speed up the 8 seconds allowed to throw the ball, big numbers will be posted.

I have one thing to say (o.k. maybe 5 or 6) to Kirb Newell. You might have handled my blitz packages 4 years ago, but not anymore. Then, you had size, quicks, height, below average arm, and poor intelligence. Now you have height, size which you can't use, no quicks, below average arm, and you are a little smarter (I recently checked Kirby's ISAT scores and he is improving nicely). You are only kidding yourself if you think you can handle that kind of pressure. The plays you design will never have the opportunity to develop with the oncoming pressure applied, so you could just throw that playbook out the window of the Badass on the way down to Corklestick Park.

Now to the important stuff. After a lot of thought, I've decided the Grisons are basically the Golden State Warriors:

Patrick Cork is....Jason Richardson. The team's best athlete and the man the Grisons will look for in the clutch. Although Richardson is currently suspended for beating his girlfriend, Cork is hoping to beat opposing db's. NOT his wife.

Chris Cork is.....Clifford Robinson. The two have been shipped around like Fed Ex - but always contirbute for their team. Whatever needs to be done will get done by these two cagey veterans. Like Robinson I expect Chris Cork could be taking his final shots at another Championship.

Kirby Newell is.......Mike Dunleavy. Kirby I know you have been dying to hear that. You might as well call Kirby a rookie again, because of his current injuries. Stepping on the field Saturday will be a whole new experience for Kirby. Just like the rookie Dunleavy I expect good things from Newell.

Greg Howard is.....Speedy Claxton, Both were free agent signings during the off-season, and both will dissapoint their new teammates. Just like Claxton; speed and quickness is what Howard relies on. With Howard's speed and everlasting stamina he will be important for the Grisons in the stretch run. But, ask yourself. Who is Speedy Claxton? Then ask who is Greg Howard? Same answer I knew it.

Robert Trimble is....Cherokee Parks. Just like Parks; Trimble will be non-existent on offense. I only slightly know Trimble, but he does seem a little crazy. Someone might call him a 'Fruitcake'. Which is what Cherokee's own Dad calls him.

Kevin Ryan is.....Brian Cardinal. If you can't see the resemblance in these two, then make sure you show up on Saturday. Like Cardinal and the NBA, Ryan will not have the best talent on the field. You might even question why he plays at times. But just wait, the kid will make a hustle play and turn the game around. Did I mention they are both bald?

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Brooks Wilson Adds His Predictions

November 21st - From the cagey veteran and his crystal ball, this is what I see on Saturday.

1) The "olds" will take the cake. Garrard's antics will leave us in stitches. Coach's commentary will have us befuddled. Chris' disappointing performance and subsequent hacking criticism will leave us giggling. And Brooks - he will remind us all that some people don't grow older, they just get better.

2) Newell will take a shot. After throwing the ball to me for most of the afternoon, Newell will get tired of watching me run back his passes for touchdowns and will try to tackle me. This will be a grave mistake, because as he lowers his head for the collision, I will unleash my brute force, leaving him weeping like the newborn babe that he is. Luckily, he now has a wife to kiss his wounds for him.

3) Patrick "King" Cork will take off the gloves. After repeated cheapshots from me (which will actually be just good, hard-nosed defense), King Commissioner Cork will get fed up and lose all mental stability. He will then try to play me at my own game of cheapshots, only to realize that he is far inferior. He will finish the day defeated.

4) The Zo'ril will take the trophy. Who can stop the Truitts and Sons (WilSON, WilliamSON, TomlinSON)? Certainly not a limping Grison. And remember: where there is a Willy there is a way. He will throw to his improved targets with accuracy all day long. Final score: Grisons - 77, Zo'ril - we stopped counting at 210.

Brooks "There's an S in it, Kirb" Wilson

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