[The following journal entries are actually a combination of three, written over a month�s time. These thoughts are very normal for volunteers struggling to make a difference and dealing with cultural differences. They were shared in one of her rare moments of self-doubt]
April 1, 2004
Things are going pretty well, but sometimes I do feel like I�m stuck in a slump. My personal mission statement keeps changing; my ideas for how to help keep changing. I just feel like I'm on a Ferris wheel. I can see all the things to do but I can't decide which ride to go on first so I just stay on the Ferris wheel, and say, "Oh next time around I'll choose." It's frustrating. I keep telling myself, "Break it into manageable pieces" but how to do that with an entire town?
April 7, 2004
It's so hard to see what needs to be done here. I keep hearing about the great things other volunteers from my training class are doing. I need to find my own niche. Once school starts back up next week (I swear they take more "holidays" from school here) I want to start the project I have been discussing for awhile. Three schools in my town have computer classrooms. I've been trying to figure out how to help them all. I just realized that all computer classrooms are going to face the same problems so why try to work with them individually? Why not get them together and get a computer support group going. That way, when I'm gone they have each other for resources and support, therefore encouraging sustainability. Well what do you know? I just come up with a good idea all by myself! I really think my biggest problem isn't lack of skill or guidance, its lack of confidence. In everything I've done in the past there's always been someone else near by who could do it better so I let myself fall into the background and I allowed myself to use that as an excuse to avoid responsibility. Well I'm the only damned volunteer in this town. No one else is going to do this job for me. It is up to me to figure out what to do.
April 14, 2004
I just realized that my level of integration into the community is exponentially related to the amount of time it takes me to get home from some place! The longer it takes, the more integrated I am...tonight it took my almost an hour to get home from the cyber caf� (a 15-20 minute walk) because I just kept seeing people I knew and of course gotta stop and talk and all that. Granted half of them I didn�t REALLY know, they just knew me.
Work wise I have a couple of projects I think I can actually get under way fairly quickly. Not sure if I already told you or not but there are 3 schools here with computer classrooms and they all want me to work with them. So I�m thinking let�s get them all together and start a computer support club where I can teach them all at the same time and they can share ideas and maintenance and things. My Peace Corps supervisor said he thought that was an excellent idea. I also want to start a couple of general computer classes for the community at large. I�ll have to get a SPA grant for that first. And I have to talk to the mayor because it�s a �social benefit.�
Journal #10
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