A Day in the Cursed Life of Toshiya the Swamp Hermit
Disclaimer:This is solo Meliss work here. It was for Creative writing class again. She was trying to make me upset or something 'cause she was bashing Toshiya but I felt it was more or less bashing Die so it din upset me at all. Needless to say our class was completely lost. Once again we kinda bashed Kyo a bit. I dun know, 'cause we both love Kyo so much. The pictures are as close to the ones that meliss included with her story. I tried my best to find the ones she used for writing the story.
Stats:
Rating: Pg
Setting: Swamp I suppose
Characters w/pics: Toshiya the swamp hermit, Kyo the swamp monster, Die the knight in shining armor, Shinya the damsel in distress, Kaoru the swamp monster exterminator
Pairings: N/A
Pictures linked to:
[200]CSS-203-
Japanese Channel
Macabre
Naiveli Delusion
Lavender no Heya
It was a stinky, smelly, putrific swamp, aswarm with the most disgusting of insects imaginable. The gurgling popping sounds went along well with the putrid, vomit inducing smell of the swamp, and the whole area was, overall, a gigantic mess of putrefaction. The proud owner of this land stood alone, surveying his swampy kingdom. Yes, Toshiya the swamp hermit was proud of his home. He was proud of the stink, and the muck, and the ooze. He was grateful for these things, as well. It kept visitors away, which is something that hermits generally like to do. So Toshiya was a pretty contented little hermit.
The swamp hermit himself wasn�t too much better to look at than his swamp. He smelled exactly the same as the bubbling bog located behind his rotting shack, and his dirty face and matted, nasty hair gave the impression that one of Toshiya�s favorite past times had to be rolling around in the mud. As a matter of fact, he had just finished doing that, and was now taking a relaxing break, reveling in the general nastiness of the swamp, and thinking of how glad he was that people never came there. Toshiya hated people. They were too clean, for one thing. They were so uptight about that, not appreciating the wonderful fragrance of unwashed hair and stinky armpits. Well, Toshiya did appreciate these things, and more, so he stayed as far away from people as he could.
Just then, Toshiya heard a crashing noise to his left. He tensed, thinking it might be a fierce swamp beast, until he saw a moronic red haired man running toward him, sword aloft and swinging.
�Fight me, beast!� The man yelled, ready to attack in a second. In a moment, Toshiya assessed the situation.
�Let me guess.� Toshiya began quite calmly, causing the man to lower his sword in confusion. �You�re the knight in shining armor, here to save the damsel from the swamp monster that�s been roaming around these parts. Well, I�m no swamp monster, and there�s no damsel here, so you can leave me alone.�
The man looked stunned. �How�how did you know all that?� He asked in wonderment. Toshiya shrugged deprecatingly. �It wasn�t all that hard. You have that brainless look on your face, and there has been a swamp monster around here lately.�
The man ignored Toshiya�s insult, or perhaps he hadn�t perceived it, and concentrated instead on Toshiya�s latter remark. �So there is a swamp monster somewhere near? Where? I must defeat it!�
Toshiya sighed. Why was it that the few people who did end up bothering him all the way out there in the swamp were the hopelessly stupid? Was he cursed?
Before he could receive some kind of answer from the heavens, another man, this one with purple hair, showed up. Perhaps that was his answer. He was definitely cursed. Thankfully this man did not carry a sword, or any visible weapon at all. In fact, he looked rather intelligent and relatively calm when compared with that red headed sword-waving fireball that he was currently dealing with.
The purple haired man walked slowly up to Toshiya and the other man. When he reached the two, he asked Toshiya, �Is there a swamp monster near this place?�
Toshiya rolled his eyes. Not another one. The purple haired man continued. �My name is Kaoru, and I am an official swamp monster exterminator. I heard that this area had recently become inhabited with one of the beasts, and came to do my job.�
Well, at least this one was moderately intelligent. Toshiya still didn�t want him bothering him, though. He nodded. �Yes, there�s a swamp monster. I�m sure if you wander around long enough, you�ll find it.�
Then the red headed man jumped into the conversation. �Wait a second! He can�t exterminate the swamp monster! I have to defeat it! That�s the rule! I have to go save the damsel in distress!�
Kaoru looked at the redhead. �And you are�?�
The man answered him. �My name is Die and I�m a knight in shining armor, obviously. As such, it is my duty to save the damsel from the swamp monster.�
�I hadn�t heard of any damsel.� Kaoru admitted. �When was she captured?�
�A few days ago.� Die replied. Then he grinned sheepishly. �I�m not completely sure it�s a damsel, thought. Here, I have a picture.� And then he held out a photo of a beautiful woman�or maybe it was a man. It was almost impossible to tell. The person was simply�androgynous.
�Ok.� Kaoru said slowly. �Well�that�s nice. Here�s the plan. Since you have to save your damsel, or whatever it is, and I have to exterminate the swamp monster, so let�s work together.�
�Ok.� Die nodded. Then the two turned to Toshiya. �Well?� Kaoru asked. �Are you in?�
Toshiya was confused. Since when did this plan involve him? Kaoru explained. �You�re the only one who knows the swamp well enough to find the monster, and we need a guide.�
�Pleeeeeease help us!� Die added in a wheedling, annoying tone.
Somehow Toshiya knew that there was no way he would get rid of them except to say yes, so, with a reluctant sigh, he nodded.
Meanwhile, in another part of the swamp, Kyo the swamp monster was having his own difficulties. He sat on a log next to a gurgling bog, a short, blond haired man who didn�t look the part of a swamp monster at all. He looked at lot more like a daffodil with his puff of yellow on the top of his head than a terrifying monster. Next to him sat a beautiful person. What gender that person actually was hard to say. Perhaps it was a man, but if so, it was the most beautiful, feminine man imaginable. Either way, its name was Shinya, and Shinya was currently having a conversation with Kyo.
�Well?� Shinya asked Kyo expectantly. Kyo wriggled around uncomfortably.
�I don�t know�� He replied hesitantly. �I�ve never really done this whole swamp monster thing before. I�m new to the whole concept.�
Shinya sighed. �If you don�t even know what to do after you�ve captured me, why did you bother capturing me?�
�Well,� Kyo began. �I know swamp monsters are supposed to capture people. That�s obvious. I just thought I�d be able to figure the rest out once I�d captured you.�
Shinya rolled his eyes. Well, this was interesting. Captured by an aspiring swamp monster. What next? �Well, here�s an idea.� Shinya began. �Maybe you should tie me up with some rope or something and put me in a cave. You�ve got to be really mean and scary about it, too. Then threaten me by telling me that if I�m not good you�ll throw me into the swamp where I�ll sink in there and suffocate in the mud and die.�
�But I wouldn�t do that to you! I�m not really a mean person, you know.� Kyo confided.
Shinya rolled his eyes. A peace loving swamp monster had captured him. Wonderful. What was next? A moronic savior waving a sword?
Shinya�s moronic savior was currently wandering through the swamp with his two companions. Toshiya was in the lead, unenthusiastically showing the other two the way toward the swamp monster�s lair. Toshiya was inwardly surprised that the swamp monster had managed to capture anyone in the first place. He wasn�t a very good swamp monster; everyone knew that. He even let everyone know the location of his lair, saying that he liked getting visitors from time to time. In fact, he seemed to be quite a nice guy. Toshiya wondered why he�d wanted to become a swamp monster, anyway.
Toshiya�s thoughts were cut off, however, by Kaoru�s sudden intake of breath as they approached the lair. Toshiya looked up to see Kyo standing outside the lair, apparently following the instructions of his prisoner and tying the man (or maybe it was a woman) up with some vines. Kyo looked reluctant to tie the guy up while he just stood there impatiently, rolling his eyes.
Of course, Die took immediate action. Waving his sword and giving a yell, he ran full speed toward Kyo, who looked up, startled, at Die.
�Unhand that fair maiden, beast!� Die hollered at Kyo, who immediately dropped the vines and pushed Shinya toward Die. Shinya rolled his eyes and said to Kyo, �You�re supposed to fight him, not give up so easily.�
Kyo shook his head. �No way. I�m not fighting him. He�s got a sword. No one told me I had to fight people who had swords. It�s unfair!�
Shinya shook his head, exasperated. �Well, what else do you expect him to fight you with? It�s not proper if there isn�t a battle and you kill the knight. That is unless you want him to cut your head off and carry it home as a trophy.�
Kyo�s eyes widened. �I have to fight? And he�d actually do that?! I can�t kill him! I�m not violent! What am I supposed to do?!�
This was the point where Kaoru stepped in. �This is very interesting.� He commented calmly. �I�ve never seen a swamp monster who was so very incompetent before in all my life. Just how in the world did you manage to get this job, anyway?�
Kyo looked at Kaoru. �I�m not really completely sure, to tell you the truth. It just seemed expected of me. My father was a swamp monster, and his father was a swamp monster before him. You know the deal. What else was I supposed to do?�
Kaoru shook his head. �You, my friend, are not cut out for this job. How would you like to become a swamp monster exterminator?�
Kyo shook his head. �Exterminator? Wouldn�t that mean I�d have to kill swamp monsters? I couldn�t do that! I come from a long line of swamp monsters! That�d be like killing my own family.�
Kaoru shook his head in response. �Don�t worry. There�s no killing involved. We just move them all to a swamp monster reservation, where they can live in peace and not have to worry about knights in shining armor killing them and things like that. It�s a great job, and you�d learn a lot about swamp monsters, too, in case you ever want to become one again in the future.�
Kyo nodded. �Great! I�ll do it!�
Die looked confused. �Wait a second.� He said. �Does that mean he�s not a swamp monster anymore? How am I supposed to fight him, then? And how am I supposed to rescue the damsel? I�m a failure!�
Shinya rolled his eyes and walked over to die. �My hero� he said in a monotone. �Thanks to you, I am saved. You are my knight in shining armor.�
Die grinned happily. �Really?! Yes! I�m super great! I rescued the damsel!� Then he paused. �Wait a second. Are you a damsel, by the way? I can�t really tell.�
Shinya shook his head. �Don�t you people ever open your eyes? I�m a man, obviously.�
�Oh, obviously.� Die replied in a tone that implied that it was not obvious at all.
Once again Shinya rolled his eyes and said, �Whatever. Anyway, now you have to bring me back to civilization and we get to live happily ever after.�
Die brightened. �Oh yeah! Let�s go!� And the two of them walked out of the swamp.
�They�ll probably get lost in three minutes.� Toshiya muttered to himself. He turned around to see Kaoru and Kyo discussing swamp monster reservations. He sighed and walked away. Those two would talk about swamp monsters for the next five days, at least. What Toshiya really wanted was to get back to his shack, and take a nice cool mud bath. He got back to his smelly, run down shack and smiled. Nothing like a few rotten, falling over pieces of wood nailed together to call home to make one feel better. Hopefully he wouldn�t have any more visitors for another ten years.
Then he heard Die�s idiotic voice talking loudly, saying, �I think this is the way out of here!� before he crashed through the brush and into Toshiya�s clearing. Toshiya sighed. Life was so unfair.
Back to Dir En Grey