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| This is something I had knocking about on the pooter, so I thought I might as well put it up here. Anyone who was at a certain educational establishment that I attended between 1997 - 2000 might see something familiar here. Cynical, moi? | |||||
| Protest and Die (A Crap Satire) | |||||
| Seaview University was one of those polytechnics that opened in the 60's, full of the optimism of a new age for academia in Britain. Built on a foundation of sexual liberation, socialist thought, political activism, narcotic enlightenment, Nietzsche and the belief that the revolution was just around the corner. It was the kind of place which would herald the arrival of a new Jerusalem. | |||||
| Only it never quite happened. Somewhere in the last four decades the spirit was lost and Jerusalem became Babylon. The dreams and ideals of the flower generation mutated beyond recognition into the demons of tabloid witch-hunts. Free love gave rise to an epidemic of teenage pregnancies, single mothers and HIV. Heroin, cocaine and ecstasy nightmares replaced the happy, hippy dreams of LSD. The Criminal Justice Bill took away the right to protest, and when demonstrations did take place they always erupted into riots anyway. The socialist ideal collapsed into the apathy of New Labour, and as for Nietzsche, well, these days the most popular lecture in any philosophy course is "Girl Power: The Spice Girls and the rise of pre-teen pop philosophy in the 1990?s." | |||||
| There were those who still tried to keep the spirit alive, but they were in a minority, and usually fell flat on their faces before they had a chance to make a statement of any sort. In the last ten years, the only occurrence of any note was in the summer term of 1997, when, disillusioned at the government's plans for abolishing tuition grants, fifty students occupied the universities' administrative building, Lyell House, briefly cutting off access to all exam papers for that year. | |||||
| The protest lasted two weeks, ending in the now infamous "Showdown at the Lyell Corral", when 300 students, furious at having their exams disrupted, forced their way into the building and kicked ten tons of crap out of the occupiers. All fifty protesters were hospitalised and the newly dubbed "Lyell House Liberationist Army" found themselves graduating with unexpectedly good degrees. | |||||
| Not long after this event, someone used weed killer to burn the slogan "HANDS OFF GRANTS!!!" into the grass in front of the library. The University Environmental Group, furious at this wholesale slaughter of innocent grass blades, took it upon themselves to plant daffodils in the shape of two S's over the N and T of "grants," so that the statement now read "HANDS OF GRASSS!!!" Unfortunately there was still enough weed killer in the soil to wilt the daffodils overnight, leaving nothing more than a big, earthy patch in the middle of the lawn with a few sorry looking flowers towards its right hand side by the following morning. | |||||
| The environmental group, further incensed by what they believed to be a premeditated attempt to ridicule them in public, invited the pro-grant lobby to an open air debate entitled "Freedom of Speech Vs. the Right to Live: Gaia friendly propaganda for the 21st century". The discussion lasted no more than ten minutes before a fight broke out between the representatives of each group, which rapidly spread into full-blown warfare amongst all those assembled. | |||||
| The conflict was in danger of showing signs of abating until the University Anarchist Collective took to the abandoned podium and denounced both sides for being nothing but a group of sheep, blindly following prescribed ideologies, which were actually nothing but cunning tools devised by "The Man" in order to distract them from the real issues and thus control them more easily. | |||||
| Finding themselves up against a new, common enemy, the warring factions took a ninety degree turn and descended upon the podium and the anarchists gathered behind it in a pincer movement of such ruthless efficiency and savage coordination that it made the battle of St Petersburg look like a piece of poorly contrived improvisation. | |||||
| In the heat of the fray, no one noticed the University Rugby Team approaching. Embittered by a humiliating defeat against Portsmouth University earlier on that day, the Seaview Sea Lions saw the perfect chance to work off their frustration. Before anyone knew what was going on, the ape-like athletes had waded into the fray, fists flying, crushing the feuding tribes into a bloody pulp of dreadlocks and tie-dyed t-shirts. They were soon joined by the Dungeons and Dragons Club, relishing the chance to try out their Berserker skills in a real life battle situation, as well as the University Cadet Force, who had been hoping for some time to put their urban combat techniques into practice. | |||||
| A ferocious riot was soon underway. Finding themselves under-equipped and unable to quell the uprising, University Security had to swallow their pride and call in the local police force. By the time a single squad car arrived, three hours later, the fight had fizzled out. Two constables emerged to find the remains of the frenzy: a pile of groggy looking students laid out on the grass groaning nonsensically to themselves. No amount of explaining would convince the two constables that the scene before them was anything other than what one would expect to see at a university on a hot summer's day. The security team subsequently found themselves being fined �300, plus expenses (including estimated petrol costs, a slap up lunch and six pints of bitter in the Student's Union bar) for wasting police time and resources. | |||||