REVIEWS
The Fast and the Furious 
CREDIT: http://www.ifilm.com/ifilm/product/film_reviews/0,3820,2397684,00.html

1/5 stars
by Dave White

The Players: Paul Walker, Vin Diesel, Michelle Rodriguez, Jordana Brewster

The Play: I have written a delicate haiku to describe this movie. Here it is:


Though his genitals
They are smallish, his ride ain't
Kiss him, Vin Diesel


And if you liked that, you'll love this 105-minute penis-measuring contest of a movie. It should have been called Dude, Suck My Car.


Coolest Scene: Big butch Vin gets all tenderly confessional with undercover cop Paul Walker. He recalls his daddy's racing death and reminisces about a man he nearly killed himself, ruing the day he emasculated the poor sap so that now "the guy has to take the bus to work." Not, "I maimed him," mind you, but, "I ruined his driving ability." Most comedies aren't this funny.

Nastiest Scene: Michelle Rodriguez has nothing to do here but snarl and be Diesel’s girlfriend, which is weird because Diesel seems way more into Walker than her. Also, considering that she's the most accomplished actor in the bunch (Stop what you're doing and go rent Girlfight.), it sucks to see her be just one of "the girls." At least she gets to deck someone once.

Cineast Factor: For the record, this movie is actually stupider than Driven and Gone in 60 Seconds. I know, I know, you're thinking, "How can this be?" But it is the truth.

When to Go Get a Drink/Hit the Restroom/Answer That Page: Walker is out to bust a street-racer/crook ring, led by Vin, but all his cop-talking scenes are like pit stops.

Date Movie? Oh, and all of Walker's love-technique scenes with Jordana Brewster (Vin's conflicted sister) are also like pit stops. In fact, for a leading man, he's even less charismatic than fellow blond ambitioners Kip Pardue and Heath Ledger.

You Should Pay Nine Bucks to See This: For the hot cars, big boobs and pecs, rapper Ja Rule's funny racing scene and a prominent, superexciting IFILM office-building cameo.

Nagging Questions: Was Keanu Paul Walker's dialogue coach? Do all illegal street-racing cars have corporate sponsor logos on their doors? Who styled the hair for this movie? Where are all the mullets?