Polar Paul's
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I started taking depakote after I'd tried lithium and tegratol. I'd been released from a hospital stay and needed a new mood stabilizer. I spent the next two days vomiting. Needless to say I stopped taking it. A year or so later I started taking it again, but used the sprinkles rather than the tablet form of the medication. I sprinkled the depakote on my food and didn't have any problems with my stomach. My mind didn't feel like it was a float in molasses. It's been seven months since I've been on it this time. I've yet to find out if it will prevent manic or depressive episodes. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

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Lithium was the first mood stabilizer I took. I was on and off it for ten years. I had episodes when I was on it and when I was off it. It was often difficult for me to finish reading a page. I was able to focus my thoughts when I wasn't on it. I had a real fear of blood as a child which continued on into college. I stayed in the hospital for an extra two weeks because I refused to take a blood test the doctor needed to find out the amount of lithium in my blood. When ever I was on lithium I had to take a blood test every few months. I soon overcame my fear of blood and eventually started to donate my blood during campus blood drives. The lithium didn't do a thing for the depression. My grades took a significant turn for the better after I finally stopped taking lithium.

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I took Pamelor for about six weeks. It really made me sleep in during the morning. I had a hard time getting up before 10 a.m. I still had a lot of nights when I didn't go to bed at all. Around noon I'd be hypo manic-- I jumped up and down and did silly things. It made my mouth very dry. It gave me constipation. I couldn't really experience an orgasm or ejaculate. I was very dizzy if I stood up too fast. I think it's been effective for the depression. I finally stopped the medication when I experienced too many problems getting to sleep at night.

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I found out that an aunt of mine was taking Prozac. It worked great for her, but it was a disaster for me. The first week I took it, my sleep started shifting an hour later each day. The changes in my sleeping pattern continued until I was staying up for 48 hours and then sleeping for 12 hours.

It reached the point were I was very suicidal. I told my father I was feeling that way, but he didn't pay much attention to it. A couple of days later, I overdosed on a large quantity of sleeping pills and various left over prescriptions I had. If I hadn't blended the pills up which caused a burning sensation in my mouth and throat (probably due to the lithium), I would have passed out and died. The physical pain was so bad I called 911 and they sent an ambulance out immediately.

Since my experiences were so scary, I'll never take Prozac or any other SSRI again. I'm now much more cautious about anti-depressants and new medications.

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My doctor suggested I go on Wellbutrin so I could get some relief from my depression. It was my understanding that it was the least likely to induce mania. I took it a couple of different times, but it didn't do much of anything. I felt no side effects nor any therapeutic effects. I may as well have been drinking water. This was definitely one of those periods when I took medication that might benefit me, but one of its greatest benefits was keeping the doctor and those close to me off of my back.

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I only took Mellaril for a couple of months. It was supposed to control my mania, but it didn't even touch it. It had a really nasty side effect-- it prevented me from having an erection. Of course I told my doctor to take me off the medication when I saw him during my next appointment.

At that point in my life masturbation was my primary way of dealing with stress. Due to my religious beliefs at the time, I felt very guilty about masturbation which naturally led to more stress and more masturbation. My parents never said one word about sex or sexuality. I still can't imagine the two of them ever having sex let alone making love. With this background, sexuality was a secretive and taboo subject.

Since I was fairly depressed during high school, I never had any close friends or significant others. The only social contact I had was when I played basketball with people from church, attended church, went to church dances, or spoke with the half dozen people I knew at school.

Since I never really got very close to anyone, I didn't have my first kiss until I was a junior in college which was initiated by the other person. My next kiss and first sexual experience wasn't until I was in my late twenties.

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I was prescribed Stelazine several years ago when I was going into a manic episode. My doctor thought it would slow me down. It didn't. When I went to the hospital, my doctor there increased my dose trying to rein in my mania. It didn't work. It did effect my memory so badly that I couldn't remember my own phone number. I'd go into a room and forget what I was in there for. I was still very manic and was racing around the place day and night.

I left the hospital AWOL (i.e. walked to the parking lot and drove home). I stopped taking the Stelazine. When I woke up the next morning my mind was much clearer. I knew I was still very manic so I called up the hospital and went back in. The doctor started me back on the Stelazine with the same results.

I had enough together to call the patient's rights advocate so I could get a hearing to get me out. I prevailed. After the hearing, the doctor still wanted me to stay. I listened to his arguments and then told him no thank you. It was the worst case of a doctor not listening to me that I've experienced.

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I had my first experience with Thorazine during my first hospitalization. I was very manic. Somebody called the cops. The cops took me from my dorm to the campus hospital who transfered me to the county hospital where I was injected with Thorazine. It made me stiff as a board. I had a hard time staying in my bed because I slid right out. I won't take this medication ever again.

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After my first hospitalizations, I was sent home and given lithium and Haldol. The Haldol blurred my vision so badly that I couldn't read. I'd been depressed during most of my high school years and being able to escape reality through reading was the only way I experienced any relief. Now that I couldn't read, I felt like there was no hope of ever being able to succeed in anything. I went downtown, bought the most expensive headphones I could find. I listened to the Beetles as I took all of the Haldol I had left. The next morning I woke up and told my mother what I'd done. My parents took me to the hospital and I was put on an IV to dilute the Haldol already in my system. I'll never take Haldol again.

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I always carry a noose around with me just to remind me of the ever present danger of suicide. I have fond memories of the nooses we made in our boy scout troop. Now I have a black back pack with a noose hanging from each zipper. The noose also reminds me of my last suicide attempt. After putting the noose around my neck, I took a large number of sleeping pills and other pills. I was hoping to hang myself once the pills put me asleep. Of course the suicide attempt was a failure, but it was a much more serious attempt than my first one. I'm think nooses would make great ornaments for this year's christmas tree. I could make them out of red and green string. While I'm noosing around I may as well tie a couple pair of noose ear rings for my friends and family. I think a noose nose ring would be great too.

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When ever I go to the hospital I have a difficult time going to sleep. I always feel anxious and under the gun. In fact, whenever I go to someone else's home or move to a new place I have a difficult time going to sleep the first few nights.

The night staff hate to have any patient awake because they believe it will lead to trouble of one kind or another. The doctors want their bipolar patients to sleep through the night so they can normalize their sleep patterns. As the sleep patterns normalize, their moods will usually follow. The night staff also use this time to catch up on patient charts. Frequently a patient who is still awake might cause problems on the unit later in the night.

Consequently, as soon as I start to pace, a nurse tells me to take some Restoril, to go to my room and to get some sleep. I take the Restoril, go to my room, still can't get to sleep, and start to pace again. They give me another Restoril with the same results.

From now on I just tell them that the Restoril doesn't work and that I refuse to take it. I tell them that I'm not going to make any noise or generate any problems. Usually they're pacified if I volunteer to stay in the "quiet" room (i.e. padded cell) so I can pace to my heart's content in a safe environment. The hospital environment is usually so stimulating that I need the physical activity of pacing to be able to calm my body down.

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Starting in the late 90's, I realized I was getting more and more cranky, if not down right angry when I started to get depressed. None of the medications I'd taken before ever took the edge off. It wasn't until my psychiatrist suggested taking some antianxiety medications that I even recognized the connection.

She suggested I try Buspar since I didn't want to get on any of the many addictive antianxiety medications. So far so good. It seems to take the edge right off my cranky, agitated, and anxiety filled depression. The people around me aren't on pins and needles wondering when I'll lash out at them for no apparent reason.