In 1999 I had a severe depressive episode and ended up getting a series of ECT treatments. I don't remember much of what transpired during that time so my writing is based upon written records and the recollections of my friend XY, his family, and my family. Apparently I had gotten progressively more depressed and ended up trying to kill myself by jumping out of a window, but XY and his brother were there to physically stop me from doing so. They called 911 and the police arrived to cart me away to the hospital. In the hospital, things continued to get worse. I stopped eating. My weight went from 155 lbs (I'm 6'2") to 133 lbs. I wasn't doing anything. I didn't want to talk with people. Refused visitors. The medications weren't having any effect. ECT was suggested as a way to get me out of my depression.
Several years earlier, a friend of mine had been seriously contemplating ECT. I didn't know much about it so I went to the medical bookstore at the UC San Francisco Medical School and bought the AMA (American Medical Association) reference book on ECT and read it. My conclusion was that it could be beneficial.
Although XY knew people who had bad experiences with ECT, he knew I'd be willing to give it a try if the circumstances warranted it. Given my circumstances, he talked with me about the ECT and I consented to receive the treatments. The treatments were scheduled for 3 times a week every other day. After the first series of treatments, my depression decreased and I started eating again.
The ECT doctor started spacing out the treatments and my depression grew worse. When he increased the frequency of treatments my depression decreased, but came back again once he started spacing out the treatments again. This cycle of depression and ECT was repeated over the course of several months. I received over 21 treatments during this time.
My level of depression fluctuated in response to the frequency of the ECT, but the side effects were cumulative. My memory became increasingly poor both for short term and long term memory. I still can't remember very much of the 5-7 years previous to the ECT. Here are just a few examples of how bad things got:
I couldn't remember my sister was married and had kids. (married for over 10 years)
I couldn't remember my pets I'd had for several years.
I couldn't remember my parents had gotten divorced and remarried to different people (> 10 years).
I didn't remember my job or co-workers.
I couldn't drive for a year because I was too afraid and would get lost in a city I'd known for 20 years.
I'd walk across a room to do something and forget what I was going to do by the time I got there.
I couldn't read a book for 3 years without falling asleep.
I could watch a movie 5 times and not remember ever having seen it.
Given these side effects, why didn't the ECT doctor discontinue my treatment?
I can only speculate, but the two possibilities are:
Gross Incompetence: belief that the side effects were only temporary and minor compared to the benefits of the ECT
Greed: he only did ECT and other forms of treatment didn't put money into his pocket
What angers me the most about my ECT experience?
Why didn't my friends or family see what was going on and put a stop to it? My friend XY kept trying to convince me to stop the treatments, but my memory was shot. I had failed to make out a medical power of attorney, so XY had no legal standing. I was so out of it that I continued to argue with him about whether or not my sister was married or had kids.
My family had some legal rights regarding my treatment as I was legally incapacitated. XY (who had been living with me for the past 5 years) expressed his concerns about the ECT side effects to my family. My mother thought XY would know what was best for me, but didn't step in to stop the treatments. My father and siblings didn't think the circumstances required their intervention or felt there was nothing they could do.
Why did the treatments stop?
Apparently the sensation of going under anesthesia and the day long headaches and disorientation following the treatments became too much for me. At some level I must have realized the treatments were killing what was left of me. The treatments ceased when I refused treatment even though I was at the hospital. When the doctor came in to convince me to continue with the treatments, I cursed at him and basically told him to go to hell. I have no doubt this was done at maximum volume. I was too out of it at the time to consider the consequences of my outburst, but the doctor could have put me on an involuntary hold because I was a risk to myself or others.
I'm bitter that my memory and concentration problems arising from the ECT forced me into disability retirement. Before ECT, I'd worked and/or went to school (almost 20 years since my diagnosis). I won't disagree that ECT probably saved my life, but fewer treatments would have allowed me to retain the mental capacity to lead a productive life. My brain has had time to heal and now I need to figure out how to get back on track. What a waste of 5 years of my life!