I don't believe there is a magic bullet which will cure me of bipolar disorder. It's not like a virus or bacteria is attacking my body or I'm suffering from a vitamin deficiency. I can't simply kill something or replace a part that's missing. My situation feels more like I get out of sync periodically. The medications don't seem to help gets things in sync again and sometimes make things worse. Managing my bipolar disorder seems more like a juggling act rather than anything else.
Day light, job stress, and significant others are the three factors that moderate the onset of my mood changes. All of my episodes have been in either the fall (manic episodes) or in the spring (depressive episodes). I monitor myself very carefully during the periods when the length of day light is rapidly decreasing or increasing. Usually when I sleep, I go to bed and get up at the same time. The rapid changes in day light interfere with my ability to maintain a regular sleep schedule. When my sleep schedule gets out of whack so do I.
Secondly, stress on the job seems to push me over the edge. I start feeling like I'm getting behind at work or that I have to do more to advance my career. I start staying after work in an effort to catch up. I fail to catch up and start to feel even more behind and the cycle repeats itself.
During these periods my thoughts about work don't end when I come home. I'm constantly thinking about what I can do to catch up at work. These ruminations start to enter my dreams (I usually can't even remember having had any). I wake up with thoughts of work on my mind. Within a couple of weeks my attempts to make things right at work drive me into a manic frenzy or a foggy depression.
The final factor revolves around how I feel about my significant other or lack there of. When I'm by myself, I'll tend to isolate myself even more when I start to get depressed. I'll stay inside my home as much as possible. I eat and bathe on an infrequent and irregular basis. In contrast, when I'm starting a new relationship I have a hard time thinking about anything else. I have a strong desire to become very close to the person very quickly. I start to feel on top of the world and believe that everything will work out. By the time I'm on top of the world, I'm also well down the road towards mania.
What's been most helpful to me is to recognize these tendencies and to try to counter act them. I try to slow down and make a deliberate effort to moderate their effects on me. One of the negative consequences of my attempts to rein things in is that I'm often very robotic in my approach to life. I'll walk the same way every day. I'll eat the same food for lunch. I'll be very private about myself. I won't allow myself to express strong emotions. I can't get too happy or too sad. I feel like life has become a constant battle to become comfortably numb.