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Computer Troubles - The Solution |
An article on computers, and there amazing ability to piss you off. Are you tired of seeing that same blue screen, or the famous "illegal operation" box, or just everything completely freezing? I certainly am, thats why i took the time to write this. Sometimes i think this crappy machine is made of nothing but cotton wool, it probably is...or maybe it's posessed by an evil ghost and just wants to kill me. Computers are evil; they freeze losing your work just seconds before you save it, waste your time not connecting to things, stop your favourite songs half way through just when their up to the good part, and generally piss you off. Anyway, i think computers really bring up your stress levels, and could even cause someone a heart attack. They are a health hazard; it's a fact, they can cause all this!... Radiation Eye strain Carpel Tunnel Syndrome Neck and back strain Conjunctivitis (itchy, bloodshot eyes) and Dermatitis (skin irritation) The list goes on! So, a computer could turn you into a stressed out, blood shot eyed, wreck! But... i think i have found a way to stop that with my new idea of a special fun job which consists of wrecking other peoples computers. But, you don't just go randomly smashing people's machines, they ask you to when they have had enough of their crap, then i come along and bash it to death... and i get payed! :D cool eh? So, that is my life ambition and i'm sure it is now yours aswell, so lets all set up our own computer smashing business! And my slogan - "If its shit, smash it". Heres my little guide to the computer smashing business... 10 ways to destroy a computer... 1. Make a cup of nice coffee then pour it all over your keyboard, mouse and computer leaving it a sticky mess... what the hell, might aswell throw it over the monitor and speakers aswell! 2. Get a heavy object, a lamp will do, then let all your anger out by hitting your monitor with it. Oh yeah... make sure it's an object you don't mind getting wrecked. 3. melt a cd, and if your feeling adventurous, melt some cheese ontop of it then put it into your cd drive and sit back and relax as your computer go's mad. 4. Get a chain saw and hack at your keyboard, watching the keys fly off as you laugh evily at it. 5. Take a screw driver and un-screw your computer, or however you take that particular thing apart and pee in it... or just throw more coffee on it, they are both just as effective. 6. Put on some really clumsy shoes and stomp on the taken-apart computer crushing all it's components...or cotton wool as the case may be. 7. Pick up your chain saw again and attack any remains of the mashine with it. 8. Scoop up the broken parts and put them into a bin bag. 9. Go for a walk with your nicely killed computer up to a really high building...or if your scared of heights like me, highish will do. 10. Throw it...preferably so it lands ontop of someones car... a teachers car! Then stand there laughing like a maniac, then return to the computer haters house to collect your big fat check! Well, that's almost it, except one more thing i would like to say. Wouldn't it just be brilliant if computers felt pain?! Everytime it annoys you, clout it one and you'll get the satisfaction of it's pain. Maybe one day though, in the very far future.. i really hope so. One more thing - i don't totaly despise computers, because otherwise i wouldn't have got to know Paul, and if i hadn't have got to know Paul i wouldn't have been introduced to his friends, and i wouldn't be writing this report about computers right now. So, for that i'm thankfull, but my computer smashin' ambition still remains! By Manda |
Is your computer horse friendly, I think not.. |