"Jewboy II: More Jew"
by
Paul M. Wolford
Revisions by
Paul M. Wolford
Current Revisions by
Paul M. Wolford, July 14, 2004
1 FADE IN: 1
Darkness.
SUPER: 4 MONTHS LATER. MONDAY.
A familiar theme song begins playing, "THE FAMILY FEUD."
2 INT. FAMILY FEUD SET - DAY 2
The CROWD claps along to the music.
FEUD ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
It's time to play the Family Feud!
ANGLE ON - THE JENKINS SIDE, as the door is SHUT with "THE
JENKINS" written across it.
FEUD ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
(cont'd)
The Jenkins family!
The door OPENS to reveal an WHITE UPPER CLASS FAMILY in an
"holier then thou" pose.
FEUD ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
(cont'd)
John, Barbra, Joyce, Janet, Sarah
and Jimmy!
The Jenkins' rejoice and run down to the microphones.
FEUD ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
(cont'd)
Playing against...
ANGLE ON - THE HAMMACKS' SIDE, as a door is shut with "THE
HAMMACKS" written across it.
FEUD ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
(cont'd)
The Hammack Family!
The door opens to reveal BILLY, SHAWN, PAUL, CODY and MIKE!
Needless to say this special occasion calls for KISS makeup
for three of them. And we all remember what three we're
talking about. ERIC CARR for Billy. GENE SIMMONS for Cody.
PAUL STANLEY for Paul. All standing in KISS poses while Shawn
and Mike, lighting up a cigarette, sit on the couch.
FEUD ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
(cont'd)
Billy, Shawn, Paul, Cody and Mike!
The "Hammacks" run down to the Microphones.
FEUD ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
(cont'd)
You're here to see these two teams
battle it out for twenty thousand
dollars! And now the star of the
show RICHARD KARN!
The crowd ERUPTS as RICHARD comes out and waves to the crowd.
The Jenkins clap respectfully as the "Hammacks" fight over
who stands where. They end up standing in the same order they
were announced.
RICHARD
Thank you! Good day! Let's play the
feud!
MUSIC plays again as Billy and John head up to the center
podium and shake hands.
RICHARD (CONT'D) (cont'd)
Okay, one hundred people were
surveyed, top ten answers are on
the board. Give me the best answer.
Name something that hurts.
RING! Billy rings in!
BILLY
Falling on your drumsticks.
The "Hammacks" clap their hands and cheer Billy on with the
classic: "GOOD ANSWER!"
RICHARD
Falling on your drumsticks?
BILLY
Hurts like the dickens, Alex.
RICHARD
That's Richard.
BILLY
Yeah, like I care.
RICHARD
Okay... Survey says! A RED X pops
up on the screen.
3 EHHHHHH! 3
BILLY
That's bullshit, man! Who do you
people survey?!
RICHARD
Settle down.
(to John)
John, do you have an answer?
RING! John rings in.
RICHARD (CONT'D) (cont'd)
You don't have to ring in, John.
BILLY
(under his breath)
Dumbass.
JOHN
I will say... hitting your thumb
with a hammer.
The audience and his family praise the answer.
RICHARD
Hitting your thumb with a hammer?
Sounds like a good answer. All
right, survey says!
DING! Smashed Thumb is the NUMBER ONE answer.
RICHARD (CONT'D) (cont'd)
Do you want to play or pass?
John looks back to the his family. All say to PLAY.
JOHN
We'll play.
RICHARD
All right. Billy head back to your
side and we'll continue the feud!
A disappointed Billy heads back to his side while Richard and
John head to the Jenkins' side.
JUMP CUT TO:
4 INT. FAMILY FEUD SET - LATER 4
Richard is standing in front of Shawn who takes in every word
that Richard says.
RICHARD
(dead serious)
Okay, Shawn it's up to you. Top
three answers are on the board. You
have two strikes against you and no
points. If you get this answer
correct your team is still alive.
The points in this round are
tripled and if you win this round
then you'll win the game and go on
to play for twenty thousand
dollars.
(beat)
Are you ready?
SHAWN
Ready.
RICHARD
Okay. What is the first thing a
married couple does on their
wedding night? Shawn thinks it
over.
SHAWN
Hmm... chew tobacco.
BILLY
Damn it, Shawn!
PAUL
Lick it up!
CODY
God of thunder!
MIKE
Shiittt!
CUT TO:
5 EXT. BILLY'S HOUSE - DAY 5
Not much has changed since we've last been here. A SKUNK
walks along the sidewalk and heads towards the SEWER DRAIN.
The skunk gets a whiff then PASSES OUT.
SUPER: TUESDAY
6 INT. BILLY'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY 6
Paul shakes his head while looking out the window.
PAUL
Dude, your poop still stinks.
Dakota, Billy and Cody sit around the room depressed. Upon
hearing the update Dakota smiles.
DAKOTA
I rule.
CODY
Dude, we needed that twenty
thousand dollars for our tour. Now
we have to win everyone over at the
Rock Festival on Friday and hope we
get noticed.
DAKOTA
Yeah, if we even make it that far.
I don't really trust ridding in
Billy's modified School-slash-tour
bus.
BILLY
(correcting)
The proper term is Billy-rigged.
DAKOTA
And the only money we have is from
our suck-ass jobs at Little
Imperial.
CODY
I wonder if our chicks have any
money?
PAUL
Oh...yeah, I forgot to tell you.
You don't have females anymore.
CODY
We don't?
PAUL
No.
CODY
Why?
PAUL
I didn't want them in the sequel.
Besides what's the chances of them
doing another JEWBOY movie?
DAKOTA
Let me guess, you're still dating
Shandi, right?
PAUL
Technically I never dated her so,
no.
DAKOTA
Oh.
CODY
But you like her.
PAUL
That doesn't mean anything.
CODY
Of course it does.
Bill gets up and heads towards the front door.
BILLY
Well, you're better off single like
me. I'll catch up with you dudes
later. I have to finish Billy
rigging the bus. Have fun at work.
Cody, Dakota and Paul groan.
CUT TO:
7 EXT. LITTLE IMPERIAL - KITCHEN - DAY 7
The most blatant rip-off of Little Caesars we can get without
being sued. The phrase "pizza! pizza!" has been replaced with
"food! food!"
8 INT. LITTLE IMPERIAL - KITCHEN - DAY 8
A small kitchen for a small restaurant. Around seven or eight
EMPLOYEES are working. Everyone is wearing the same black
shirt and beige khakis, though some have chosen the option of
wearing shorts instead of long pants. Some are washing
dishes. Others are flattening the dough and placing them on
pizza pans. Some are taking the pizza out of the oven and
sticking them in boxes. None of the women or girls are tall
enough to reach anything other then the pizza's.
Semi-known rap lyrics by Tupac and Snoop, etc. are being
rapped LOUDLY every minute or two by one of the day managers,
DANIEL. Right now he has the back door propped open with a
2x4 while smoking a cigarette.
And lastly our heros are at the "PIE BAR/PIZZA COUNTER"
working hard for the money. Cody POURS sauce on the pizza
dough with a large spoon then puts cheese on it, slides the
pan to Dakota and Paul who finish it off with the toppings.
And as you would guess they're making some of the worse
looking pizza's ever made. Oh, let's not forget about the
thirty ORDER TICKETS they have in front of them.
PAUL
My back hurts.
DAKOTA
Mine too.
CODY
I hear ya'.
A horrendously loud BUZZER goes off.
PAUL
I hate that damn door buzzer.
ANGLE ON - FRONT DOOR, as we see NICK, the Head Manager walk
into the store and make straight for the kitchen. Once
through the door he begins washing his hands.
NICK
Who wants to hold the sign? No
answer.
NICK (CONT'D) (cont'd)
Paul? You want to hold the sign?
PAUL
Do I get paid extra?
NICK
No.
PAUL
Do I have to dance or anything?
NICK
No. Just stand there and hold the
sign.
PAUL
Okay.
While Nick goes over to speak with Cody and Dakota, Paul
takes off his vinal apron, hangs it up, washes his hands,
then heads out of the kitchen.
NICK
How are things going over here?
CODY
Okay, I guess.
NICK
What about you, Dakota?
DAKOTA
Yeah.
NICK
"Yeah" what?
DAKOTA
Yeah, that.
NICK
"That" what?
DAKOTA
You got it.
NICK
(confused)
Okay...
CUT TO:
9 EXT. LITTLE IMPERIAL - THAT MOMENT 9
A pathetic looking Paul is standing under the shade of a tree
in front of a FOUR-WAY INTERSECTION. He is holding up a large
sign that reads:
HEATED AND PREPARED PIZZAS FOR A BUCK
Paul looks over his shoulder. No more then fifty feet behind
him we see a LARGER SIGN saying the EXACT same thing that his
sign says.
PAUL
This is stupid.
Vehicles drive past Paul. The drivers and passengers either
laugh or stare at him like idiots while they pass. In other
words, it's nothing that hasn't happen to him every time
we've seem him go somewhere in the first JEWBOY movie.
A large truck drives by with TWO HILLBILLIES. The PASSENGER
HILLBILLY with a prominent mustache that hasn't been trimmed
since Carter yells.
HILLBILLY PASSENGER
Get a real job!
The Driver laughs his ass off as they drive by.
PAUL
Grow a set of balls.
(beat)
Shit! I should have said that
louder that was a good one.
A GREEN VAN drives by on the street directly beside Paul.
CLOSE DRIVER
Get a job!
PAUL
Dickfucker!
BACK TO:
10 INT. LITTLE IMPERIAL - KITCHEN - THAT MOMENT 10
Dakota looks around like he just heard his name yelled.
DAKOTA
(to Cody)
Dude, you say something?
CODY
Nope.
To the FAR RIGHT of Cody and Dakota Nick is cutting giant
globs of Pizza Dough with his back to us. Dakota and Cody
have about four completed pizza's stacked on the table and
they have about EIGHTY tickets before them now and more are
being printed as we speak. Dakota stops layering the toppings
when he notices Cody rocking back and forth.
DAKOTA
Dude?
CODY
I need to crack this bitch.
DAKOTA
Go for it.
Cody backs up from the table with sauce spoon in hand and
swings his upper body to the LEFT. CRACK!
An organismic grin beams across Cody's face.
CODY
Ohh, yeah.
Cody swings his upper body RIGHT. Sauce from the cup goes
flying across the Kitchen SPLATTERING the wall next to Nick.
Upon impact Cody and Dakota do the worlds fastest about face.
DAKOTA AND CODY
(whispers)
Oh, shit!
Don't worry though. Nick didn't see it... yet. However, when
Cody and Dakota look up they see Daniel looking at them. He
saw the whole thing. Dakota and Cody are scared shitless...
until.
DANIEL
(rapping)
Deathrow is the record that...
(falsetto)
Pays me!
CUT TO:
11 EXT. LITTLE IMPERIAL - DAY 11
Cars are still going by. People are laughing.
Two cross sections over a TRUCK stops at a red light. The
DRIVER is a WOMAN on a cellphone. Sliding out of the
passenger side of the truck, Bo and Luke style, is a REDNECK
with short black hair dressed in black and he's a complete
piece of shit and proves his mentality by shouting at Paul.
REDNECK
Get a real job!
PAUL
Thank you!
Paul shakes his head in disgust as the Redneck slides back
into the truck.
PAUL (CONT'D) (cont'd)
(under his breath)
God, I hate my life.
BACK TO:
12 INT. LITTLE IMPERIAL - KITCHEN - THAT MOMENT 12
While everyone continues to work Dakota starts a GIGGLING fit
over the recent events.
CODY
(whispers)
Shut up, Dakota.
DAKOTA
(trying to stop)
I can't help it.
NICK (O.S.)
What the...?!
Cody looks over to a furious Nick who has just spotted the
debased wall.
CODY
(whispers)
Oh, man.
NICK
Who did this?!
Dakota's giggling is so bad now everyone in the back focuses
on him.
CODY
(whispers)
Shut up, Dakota.
Nick spins around. Dakota turns into Benedict Arnold.
DAKOTA
(pointing at Cody)
This freaky motherfucker over here
did it!
CODY
Ace you asshole!
CUT TO:
13 EXT. LITTLE IMPERIAL - THAT MOMENT 13
We're still waiting for the light to change. Guess what? It
doesn't. The Redneck Bo and Luke's the door again.
REDNECK
Quit your job and get a real one!
Paul stares at the Redneck. Rage becomes him. Paul presses
the side of his glasses.
AN INTENSE BEAM OF RED LIGHT SHOOTS OUT HIS EYES.
Somehow Paul has gained the same power that CYCLOPS from the
X-MEN has. The beam hits a giant GROCERY STORE SIGN next to
the truck. The Redneck laughs.
REDNECK (CONT'D) (cont'd)
You missed!
The laughing slowly stops as a loud CRACKING sound is heard.
The Redneck turns and sees the sign falling down towards the
truck. The Redneck SQUEALS like a pig then -- CRASH! Paul
smiles.
REDNECK (O.S.) (CONT'D) (cont'd)
(tunneled)
Your job sucks!
Paul quickly snaps out of his day dream. The truck is still
there, so is the Redneck. Damn it!
REDNECK (CONT'D) (cont'd)
You're getting paid five dollars an
hour to do nothing! They're ripping
you off! Quit your job!
The light turns GREEN, finally and the truck drives away.
BACK TO:
14 INT. LITTLE IMPERIAL - KITCHEN - THAT MOMENT 14
Nick is in the middle of berating Cody who is taking it with
stride. Nick points to the sauce container and is oblivious
to Cody's comments.
NICK
Do you know how much this cost?!
CODY
It couldn't have cost much; it
sucks.
NICK
We can not have people wasting our
special sauce! It is imperative to
our infrastructure to have
teammates who protect our best
interests and wasting the sauce by
smearing it on the wall is not how
we do it, Mr. Cody!
CODY
So I've been told.
NICK
Now go wipe that off the wall with
the Little Imperial's patent
pending plastic spatula and put it
back into the sauce container!
CODY
Okay.
CUT TO:
15 EXT. LITTLE IMPERIAL - THAT MOMENT 15
Thankfully there are no cars. No cars means no yelling or
laughing. Paul puts his foot on a tree stump and rests the
sign on his leg, then his chin on the top of the sign. Within
in seconds Paul is asleep.
BLEACHED BLONDE WOMAN (O.S.)
Hey!
Paul wakes up and turns to see a BLEACHED BLONDE WOMAN in her
mid - late twenties in a rusted out white car at the red
light.
BLEACHED BLONDE WOMAN (CONT'D)
(cont'd)
Hey... if I give you a dollar will
you dance a little for me?!
He quickly thinks it over.
PAUL
A dollar?!
The woman shakes her head, "Yes." Paul turns his head towards
US breaking the fourth wall and smiles.
BACK TO:
16 INT. LITTLE IMPERIAL - KITCHEN - THAT MOMENT 16
Dakota puts a pizza in the oven and looks over at Cody who is
talking to the wall using a pathetic demon voice.
CODY
(pathetic demon voice)
...I am the lord of the waste
lands, a modern day man of steel.
Thou shalt not say such lies for I
am the unholy Dr. Love and hate is
what I am. I will make you scream
in sweet pain for I love it lo--
DAKOTA (O.S.)
Man, this place sucks! We quit.
Come on, Cody.
CODY
Okay.
17 EXT. LITTLE IMPERIAL - MOMENTS LATER 17
Cody and Dakota walk out the front door in time to see the
Bleached Blonde Woman getting back into her car that is now
parked in Little Imperial's driveway. Paul pockets some
change he made.
Cody and Dakota watch her drive away then walk up to Paul
with each on either side of Paul putting him in the middle.
DAKOTA
Let's go to Bill's.
PAUL
Did we quit?
DAKOTA
Indeed.
PAUL
(tossing the sign in the
street)
All right.
Our heros start the march home.
CUT TO:
18 INT. BILLY'S GARAGE - DAY 18
The band is loading their final belongings into a supped-up
SCHOOL BUS for the tour. Paul walks around the bus with a
clip board.
PAUL
All right, that's all the
necessities. Everyone have all
their little mementos that they
just can't bare to part with?
Paul climbs into the --
19 INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS 19
Everyone sits down.
DAKOTA
Got my stuff.
PAUL
Cody?
Suddenly
MIKE AND SHAWN PULL INTO THE DRIVE WAY.
BILLY
About time they got here.
DAKOTA
Are you sure it's a good idea to
bring these two along?
BILLY
Dude, I'm not driving all the way
to those cities.
CODY
He's right. Plus, Dakota's a psycho
behind the wheel.
DAKOTA
What are you talking about? I'm a
great driver but I do hesitate
about driving in this death trap.
BILLY
Hey, I guarantee you that this is
the safest vehicle on the road.
Only a complete idiot would think
otherwise.
MIKE (O.S.)
Shiittt, I ain't driving that
fucking thing! Mike and Shawn,
along with some luggage, get on the
bus.
SHAWN
What's up, Paul?!
PAUL
Hey, dude.
Paul gets up and takes their luggage to the back of the bus.
Mike goes to a seat and opens the window and lights a
cigarette.
MIKE
Shit, boys where's the beer and
women at?
DAKOTA
We don't have any.
SHAWN
What happened to those chicks you
were dating?
DAKOTA
Paul wouldn't let them do the
sequel 'cause he's an asshole.
PAUL (O.S.)
Shut up, dickfucker!
Shawn heads to the DRIVER'S SEAT and closes the door, then
STARTS the bus up.
SHAWN
Rock 'n' Roll!
Shawn slams on the GAS and pulls out onto the,
DRIVEWAY,
and CRASHES into his car. The Band and Mike bust out
laughing.
SHAWN (CONT'D) (cont'd)
Come on man that ain't funny! I
still have eighty payments left!
CUT TO:
20 EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY 20
Our heros are making good time down the highway.
21 INT. BUS - DAY 21
Everyone is doing their own thing while Shawn continues to
drive.
BILLY
Dude, this rocks, we're on tour!
DAKOTA
We rule!
CODY
Centuries of Sin kicks ass!
PAUL
Dude, I think we're going to have
to change that name.
CODY
Why?
PAUL
I think somebody already has it.
BILLY
Oh, really?
PAUL
I wouldn't doubt it. You know how
we are with band names.
BILLY
Yeah, we don't have the best of
luck with that do we?
MIKE
How long are we going to be gone
again?
DAKOTA
Seven days.
MIKE
Hell yeah, dawg. Seven days and no
work.
SHAWN
Mike, you don't even work at work.
I do everything there.
MIKE
I have to conserve my energy for my
films.
SHAWN
You mean porn?
MIKE
Yeah. And, I'm going to expand. I'm
sending my stuff to Japan and get
me some work with some ninja babes.
I'm going to be an international
sex symbol
(beams with joy)
just like Burt Reynolds.
CODY
I'm hungry!
DAKOTA
Shut up, Gene.
CODY
No, the demon wants food!
SHAWN
I think there's a restaurant a few
miles from here. It's kind of a
country one though.
DAKOTA
No! I am not going anywhere country
with Paul and Cody again!
BILLY
Why not? The only thing that ever
happens is Paul getting his ass
kicked.
PAUL
You go to hell, cheese for dick!
That only happened once and I
didn't get my ass kicked!
SHAWN
That's right both you and Cody got
your asses kicked.
CODY
Fuck you! I don't need you!
CUT TO:
22 EXT. COUNTRY COOKING - DAY 22
Our heros stand outside a crowded Country Restaurant.
BILLY
It doesn't look that bad.
23 INT. COUNTRY COOKING - ENTRANCE - DAY 23
A loud and busy restaurant comes to HALT when the boy's walk
through the front door.
CODY AND PAUL
What?!
Quickly everyone turns back to their meals and conversations.
A young hot WAITRESS that has been poured into a pair of
tight blue jeans walks up to the guys.
ANN
Howdy fellas.
OUR HEROS
Yo!
ANN
I'm Ann, I'll be your waitress,
tonight. What do we have a table
for... six?
SHAWN
Yep.
ANN
All right boys, follow me. Paul
JUMPS in front of everyone and
follows closely behind Ann staring
at her rear while she leads them to
their --
24 INT. COUNTRY COOKING - TABLE - CONTINUOUS 24
Everyone sits down at the table as she pass out their menus.
ANN
Now, is there anything I can get
you guys while you look over the
menus?
PAUL
You can serve me up a nice piece of
that sweet ass of yours.
25 GASP! 25
Paul and everyone at the table covers their mouths in shock.
Ann laughs, she's hears this crap all the time but has a
sense of humour about it.
ANN
Well, that'll depend on how big you
tip.
PAUL
Uh... I don't tip. You got a job
female.
DAKOTA
"Dr. Pepper" all around.
ANN
You got it.
(to Paul)
Oh, and about the tip. Too bad,
sugar.
Ann turns around to leave and THRUSTS her hip into Paul's
shoulder. Before she walks off everyone gets a good look at
her, well, you know. Paul grabs Billy by the shirt.
PAUL
Give me your money.
BILLY
Dude, calm down.
PAUL
Mike, give me some money.
MIKE
Hell, I ain't got any money.
Shawn's paying for my food.
SHAWN
What?
MIKE
Hey, this wasn't my idea. You want
me to come along you have to feed
me.
PAUL
Dude, I need to tip that female!
BILLY
(teacher to student)
Check it. Be cool and you'll get
her without the tip. Just relax and
be like me. Now, everyone just
chill out and let's get some food.
Under protest everyone checks out their menus. Out of nowhere
Cody and Dakota scare everyone in the establishment.
CODY
Man, I can't eat this shit!
DAKOTA
Shawn, you asshole! This food blows
Cody's shithole! I'm surprised they
even have "Dr. Pepper."
SHAWN
Shhh... dude, just keep looking
you'll find something. Get some
eggs.
DAKOTA
I ain't eatin' no ovaries.
SHAWN
What?
DAKOTA
Eggs come from ovaries. That's why
you don't go down on a chick. Next
thing you know you'll have a sperm
filled egg salad shoot out on your
face.
Everyone at the table agrees but Shawn.
SHAWN
You people are idiots.
Billy spots Ann coming back with the drinks.
BILLY
(whispers to Paul)
Be smooth, dude and you'll nail it.
Just don't say anything stupid.
PAUL
Got it.
The guys continue to work on the menus while Ann serves the
drinks.
ANN
You guys find anything you want
yet?
PAUL
"Country Toast." What's that -- the
redneck version of French Toast?
CODY
Just give us some food, female!
SHAWN
Dude, calm down.
CODY
No, why should we? Look I ain't
getting any. Paul sure as hell
ain't getting any.
PAUL
You got that right!
CODY
So, why should we play nice if we
ain't getting a piece of anybody's
action?!
PAUL
That song rules!
DAKOTA
Indeed! Mick Mars, guitar god!
Cody whips out a rolled up BATGIRL comic from his back pocket
and stands up.
CODY
I'm going to the bathroom. Cody
makes off for the head.
ANN
Uh... so what are you guys getting?
BILLY
Give me something with cheese on
it. Then double up on the cheese.
Then double up on that cheeses.
ANN
You want six toppings of cheese?
BILLY
Yeah.
SHAWN
No wonder you never take a crap! I
knew you were full of it for a good
reason!
BILLY
I don't like taking a crap, dude.
It's disgusting.
(to Ann)
But, if you don't have anything
with cheese on it I'll take some
"Flinstone's Cereal" straight out
of the box. No milk.
(on second thought)
No, wait. Just bring the box.
ANN
(to Mike)
Okay, what do you want?
MIKE
Give me the most expensive thing on
the menu.
SHAWN
Dude.
MIKE
I'm just playing. Give me two
plates of the most expensive thing
you got.
SHAWN
Mike!
MIKE
All right, just give me some
brownies.
BILLY
They got brownies?
MIKE
Yeah.
(points at menu)
Country Style Brownies. Shawn reads
Mike's menu.
SHAWN
That's Country Style Bagels.
MIKE
Well, shit I can't read. Give me
the bagels then.
ANN
(to Shawn)
What do you want, darling?
SHAWN
Give me the kids meal.
ANN
You want the kids meal?
SHAWN
Yeah, it's the cheapest thing on
here.
ANN
(to Dakota)
What's heading your way sweetie?
DAKOTA
Give me the pork-chops, mash
potatoes and corn. And a bottle of
A one Stake Sauce for the chops.
ANN
All right.
(to Paul)
Back to you, babe.
EVERYONE AT TABLE
He'll have the kosher meal.
DAKOTA
Jew.
PAUL
I'm good with just the "Dr.
Pepper." For all I know you're
making my food on the same stuff
your making the pig on. I don't
want any sin on my pizza.
ANN
What pizza?
PAUL
Don't worry about it. It's just one
my expressions --
A WOMAN SCREAMS O.S.!
Every turns around to see Cody running back to the table
buttoning his pants up.
BILLY
Dude, what happened?
CODY
Man, I was jerking -- using the
bathroom and some chick walked in
on me.
BILLY
Dude, why did a chick walk into the
mens room?
CODY
I don't know, but its kinda wussy
looking in there and they don't
have any urinals and they sell
tampons.
Cody whips out a tampon and shows it to everyone.
DAKOTA
Haha, you dumbass, you went into
the women's room!
CODY
Oh.
PAUL
Did you get finished in the
bathroom?
CODY
No. I'm going to be backed-up for a
week.
MIKE
Blue-balls is bitch. I had that
when I was filming Cream Savers.
Get it? Cream... savers.
Everyone stares at Mike.
MIKE (CONT'D) (cont'd)
Man, you people don't know what's
funny.
ANN
(to Cody)
What do you want to eat?
CODY
Chicken fried lobster.
DAKOTA
What the heck is chicken friend
lobster?
CODY
I don't know but I want it.
ANN
We don't have it.
CODY
Give me some broccoli in a doggie
bag with some of that white
dressing stuff.
ANN
All right. I'll be back with your
food in a few minutes.
Ann heads off with everyone staring at her, well, you
remember.
PAUL
(staring)
I hate my life.
Cody starts unwrapping the tampon package but he's having
some trouble with it.
DAKOTA
What are you doing?
CODY
I'm taking this out.
BILLY
Why?
CODY
I don't know.
(to the tampon)
Come on, open.
Cody grabs tightly and RIPS it open. The tampon FLIES through
the air. Several tables over a MAN lifts up his glass and
gets ready to take a drink. He turns to his WIFE as the
tampon DROPS into this glass and SUCKS up his drink.
BILLY
Whoa, dude, those things actually
work!
(stands up)
Dude, check it! The freak over here
just threw a tampon into your
drink!
26 EXT. COUNTRY COOKING - LATER 26
Our heros, sans Paul, are standing outside the School Bus
waiting on him.
DAKOTA
What's taking him so long?
BOOM! Paul runs out front door of the restaurant. Walking out
behind him are two very familiar girls. GOTH CHICK and
DEREK'S GIRLFRIEND (well, Ex-girlfriend)!
DAKOTA (CONT'D) (cont'd)
Fuck! What are they doing here?
CODY
Hey, yo, Goth Chick! You --
CHERRY
My name isn't Goth Chick, it's
Cherry!
RACHEL
And my name is Rachel not "Derek's
Girlfriend" Dakota!
CODY
(to Dakota chuckling)
What a bunch of stupid names.
BILLY
Hey, what are you chicks doing
here?
CHERRY
We're here to make sure Cody and
Dakota don't do anything stupid.
DAKOTA
Aww, shit. It's the Motley Crue "No
Fun Tour" all over again when
Sharon wouldn't let Ozzy and the
boys have any fun.
The girls head towards the bus but Mike takes a stand for all
men in front at the bus door.
MIKE
(laughing)
You ain't going anywhere.
BAM! Cherry kicks Mike in the NUTS dropping him like a sack
of potatoes.
SHAWN
Fixed your blue ball problem didn't
she, Mike?
The girls get on the bus while Cody and Dakota pick up Mike
and carry him onto the bus.
CUT TO:
27 INT. BUS - LATER 27
A more somber and quieter group of heros ride along with a
sad look on their faces. Oh, but the girls are having a
splendid time!
Paul sits next to Cody who is munching away LOUDLY on his
BROCCOLI with his mouth OPEN. For the longest time Paul tries
to ignore it but Cody won't stop!
An ANNOYED Paul slowly turns his head and looks at Cody. Cody
smiles at Paul and offers him some broccoli. Paul shakes his
head, "No." Cody shakes his head, "Okay." Paul turns back and
looks out the window.
Cody chows down even louder. Our ears burst with loud,
munching, sucking, SMACKING, CRUNCHING! Ahh!
PAUL
Damn it!
CODY
What?!
PAUL
Quit it!
CODY
What?!
PAUL
That -- food!
CODY
What?!
PAUL
You're annoying me! Stop it!
CODY
I'm just eating.
PAUL
No! No, you're not! You're annoying
me! Go do your yum-yum, eat'em up,
eat'em up, yum's somewhere else!
CODY
Where am I suppose to go?!
PAUL
I don't care!
BILLY
Guys! Chill out! We need to work on
our act! We don't have time for
this.
DAKOTA
Where are we playing at first?
BILLY
Disco club.
DAKOTA
What?!
BILLY
Check it. It's one of those retro
places that just opened. They're
desperate for bands. So we got a
good deal.
CODY
Dude.
BILLY
Yeah?
CODY
I hate you!
CUT TO:
28 EXT. DISCO CLUB - NIGHT 28
A crowed parking lot can only mean one thing --
29 EXT. DISCO CLUB - STAGE - NIGHT 29
A packed house. This time all dressed in seventy's threads.
Up on stage is who else but our favorite band.
PAUL
How ya' doin' people? The crowd is
doing good tonight.
PAUL (CONT'D) (cont'd)
All right, well. Before we do this
first song I'm going to tell you a
true story about the guy who wrote
it.
(beat)
Several years ago he was running
around the United States rocking
and rollin'. One night he's walking
down the hallway of his hotel and
he saw this beautiful girl walking
down the hall.
(beat)
Now, I don't have to tell you but
he... LOVES... GIRLS! He loves them
eyes.
(beat)
Anyway -- he's walking down the
hallway and he sees this beautiful
girl walkin' past him and he's
thinking he should go get some
sleep but he looked at her and
tried to be REAL cool.
Paul reaches behind his guitar and pulls up a "collapsible"
TOP HAT and pops the top of it and puts it on his head and
does a quick DANCE STEP in time with Billy's drums.
PAUL (CONT'D) (cont'd)
And he looked at her. And he tired
to resist her. But Lord when he
kissed her, he said, "Baby... I WAS
MADE FOR LOVIN' YOU!"
Billy, Dakota and Cody kick into a suped up version of "I WAS
MADE FOR LOVIN' YOU". The crowd loves it!
Paul goes up to the mic for the first verse then--
PAUL (CONT'D) (cont'd)
(calmly)
Fuck.
The band stops playing.
DAKOTA
What is it?
PAUL
I forgot how to play the rest of
the song.
DAKOTA
Haha!
BILLY
Dude, how can you forget how to
play it?
CODY
'Cause he sucks.
PAUL
No, Gene sucks. He's the one who
started singing the lyrics to "Rock
'n' Roll All Nite" while singing
"Let Me Go Rock 'n' Roll" on the
video I got.
CODY
That didn't happen! Gene never
messes up!
PAUL
He did that night!
CODY
Liar!
Cody CHARGES. Paul DODGES. Cody NAILS Dakota instead. Poor
Dakota FLIES off the stage into the UNSUSPECTING CROWD taking
out two rows. Dakota jumps back up and aims the head of his
guitar at Cody and makes SHOOTING motions with it.
DAKOTA
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
CODY
What are you doing?
DAKOTA
Dang it! Billy you were suppose to
Billy-rig this thing like Ace's
guitar to shoot rockets!
BILLY
Yeah, I didn't do that.
DAKOTA
Why not?
BILLY
'Cause I don't care.
PAUL
Um, guys.
(points off stage)
Look.
Everyone turns to see an EMPTY CLUB with just Shawn and the
girls sitting in the seats. Mike helps himself to an empty
bar.
BILLY
Oh, crap! Everyone left!
CODY
Man, we suck.
CUT TO:
30 EXT. MOTEL 6 - NIGHT 30
The bus, taking up several parking spaces, is parked outside
the Motel 6.
31 INT. MOTEL 6 - BAND'S ROOM - NIGHT 31
Everyone is huddle together as a serious problem has just
been sprung on the band. The room has only --
CHERRY
One bed?
MIKE
Hey, it's cool. The girls can get
the bed --
BILLY
And I'll get my camcorder!
MIKE
Yeah!
CODY
No way, I want some poontang! And
damn it, I'm tired of getting
Paul's sloppy seconds! My dick
won't fit in their asshole when
he's done with them!
PAUL
(giggles)
I got a big dick.
SHAWN
Wait, how are we going to do this?
MIKE
Well, you see Shawn, when you have
an orgy --
BILLY
I got some Easy Glide in the bus!
RACHEL
What do you have easy glide for?
BILLY
I don't know. In case I meet a
chick from Sweden.
RACHEL
What does that have to do with
anything?
BILLY
Well, you know how Swedish chicks
are.
RACHEL
No.
BILLY
Oh come on, you know.
RACHEL
No.
BILLY
Mikey knows.
MIKE
(big smile)
Yeah, I do.
CODY
Hell with this! You guys figure out
the sleeping arrangements I'm
taking a walk.
Cody leaves the room.
BILLY
(to Rachel)
Are you a whore?
RACHEL
No.
BILLY
Oh... cause I heard you were.
RACHEL
No.
BILLY
(a long beat)
So... if you were a whore, how much
would you cost?
32 EXT. MOTEL 6 - NIGHT 32
Cody walks around outside the motel and spots a GAS STATION
across the street. Cody shrugs -- might as well.
33 INT. GAS STATION - MOMENTS LATER 33
Cody walks around the station and spots some SCRATCH AND WIN
Lotto tickets next to the register. Cody digs into his front
pocket and pulls out a handful of CASH.
CUT TO:
34 EXT. MOTEL 6 - MORNING 34
A bright beautiful sun shines down upon the Motel 6. A great
omen for our hero's.
SUPER: WEDNESDAY
BILLY (O.S.)
YOU DID WHAT?!
35 INT. MOTEL 6 - BAND'S ROOM - MORNING 35
Cody sits on the bed with a guilty look.
CODY
I blew all the money on lotto
tickets.
DAKOTA
Ahh! You ass!
SHAWN
Who put Cody in charge of watching
the money?!
Cody slowly raises his hand.
SHAWN (CONT'D) (cont'd)
Who didn't object to it?!
Billy, Dakota and Paul slowly raise their hands.
SHAWN (CONT'D) (cont'd)
Great.
PAUL
Hey, wait. I got a plan.
DAKOTA
What?
PAUL
Isn't the comic-con thing this
weekend?
DAKOTA
Yeah.
CUT TO:
36 INT. COMIC-CON - OPEN FLOOR - DAY 36
Shawn, Paul and Dakota are on the floor of the Comic-Con.
Paul is wearing PAUL STANLEY MAKEUP and a RIC FLAIR style
ROBE while holding a sign written in CRAYON:
THE PAUL STANLEY GUITAR/RIC FLAIR RETIREMENT FUN.
Dakota and Shawn stand next to Paul holding Billy's DRUM TOM
TOMS upside down collecting cash.
37 AWAY FROM THE GROUP, 37
Cody walks around checking out various comics, not really
interested in anything. Cody looks up from the comics and
sees--
BATGIRL
signing autographs. Cody stares in awe. Batgirl notices him
looking at her and waves to him with a smile. Cody grins ear
to ear and waves back. Batgirl giggles while continuing to
sign autographs as she keeps looking back to Cody every now
and then.
Cherry walks up behind Cody and notices the interaction
between Cody and his goddess.
CHERRY
What are you doing? Cody continues
to smile.
CHERRY (CONT'D) (cont'd)
Cody?
CODY
Why can't that be you?
CHERRY
What?
CODY
Look at her. She's beautiful.
CHERRY
And what am I?
CODY
Not her.
(Cody waves again)
Hey, baby.
Batgirl waves back. Cherry sighs in disgust.
CHERRY
Gee, Cody do you want me to go and
see if she'll sleep with you?
CODY
Would you?
Cherry grabs Cody by the arm and walks up to Batgirl who
finishes up with some autographs.
BATGIRL
Hello.
CHERRY
Hi. For some reason My boyfriend is
infatuated with you even though
you're just a slut in a rubber
suit.
CODY
And a beautiful slut at that.
CHERRY
Anyway, he want's to have sex with
you. So if you're on a break in the
near future will you please bang my
boyfriend.
BATGIRL
(huge smile)
Is he the one in the KISS make-up?
CODY
What?!
Cody turns around and notices that from across the floor Paul
is a straight shot from where Cody was standing. She was
waving at him all along! Paul waves to Batgirl. She waves
back.
CHERRY
(huge smile)
Yep, that's him!
CODY
What?!
BATGIRL
Oh, hell yeah. Bring him over here.
CODY
What?!
CHERRY
I'll be right back. Come on Cody.
CODY
What?!
Cherry drags Cody away.
OVER AT THE "FUND RAISER"
Dakota and Shawn count the money in the tom-tom's while Paul
watches Cody get dragged over to his spot.
CHERRY
Hey, Paul. Batgirl wants to pull
the trigger on your love gun.
PAUL
Okay.
CODY
My life sucks! ANGLE ON - PAUL, as
he runs towards Batgirl. He reaches
her in no time.
BATGIRL
Hi.
PAUL
I have a telepathic link with Paul
Stanley.
BATGIRL
I can see that.
PAUL
So are we gonna do it?
BATGIRL
This way baby.
PAUL
All right!
Batgirl takes Paul's hand and leads him into a --
38 INT. COMIC-CON - BACK ROOM - CONTINUOUS 38
Batgirl flips on the light and closes the door.
PAUL
So you finally got the job at Comic
Con, huh?
Batgirl pulls back her cowl. It's SHANDI, Paul's semi-love
interest from the first flick.
SHANDI
How'd you know it was me?
PAUL
Do you wanna talk or do you wanna
get it on?
Shandi smiles and pulls the cowl back over her head.
39 INT. COMIC-CON - OPEN FLOOR - DAY 39
Cody wallows in his own shame. Out of no where BILLY walks up
with a BLOND BOMBSHELL on his arm.
BILLY
Dude, check it!
GRETCHEN
(Swedish accent)
I'm Gretchen from Sweden, ja?
Billy turns back to Shawn and Dakota with huge smile. Billy
couldn't be more prouder of his find.
BILLY
It's Gretchen from Sweden, ja?!
SHAWN
Oh, gees Bill.
BILLY
What? Hey, I'm just spreading
American joy and sperm across this
great land of ours.
GRETCHEN
Ja, American.
BILLY
Dude, where's Mike I want him to
see this?
CODY
He's over there with the Asian
chicks.
BILLY
What?
Cody points to a --
HENTAI BOOTH
filled with beautiful Japanese women dressed in school girl
outfits. Mike is talking up a storm then points to his
CROTCH.
SLAP! The girls knock the taste out of Mike's mouth. They
raise their hands to slap him again, Mike runs like hell
towards Billy.
MIKE
Fucking french!
AT THE "FUND RAISER",
Mike makes it back in one piece.
MIKE (CONT'D) (cont'd)
(noticing Gretchen)
Hey, now who's this?
GRETCHEN
I'm Gretchen from Sweden, ja?
BILLY
She's Gretchen from Sweden, ja!
MIKE
Where'd you get her at?
BILLY
At the refreshment stand.
CODY
I could be getting refreshed by
Batgirl if Paul didn't suck.
DAKOTA
Haha!
CODY
Shut up, Dakota!
MIKE
What is it?
DAKOTA
Cody saw a chick dressed as Batgirl
and he thought she wanted him, so
Goth Chick, or whatever the hell
her name is, asked Batgirl if she
would do her boyfriend and she
thought it was Paul --
CODY
Shut up!
DAKOTA
And she said "yes" and now Paul's
getting --
CODY
Fuck you! I don't need you!
Cody storms off and runs into a pissed off Paul.
CODY (CONT'D) (cont'd)
Fuck you!
PAUL
Eat Trent's ass!
CODY
Suck Marilyn's dick!
PAUL
How can I when Twiggy's mouth is on
it?!
CODY
I'm going to kill you!
PAUL
(motions like the Rock)
JUST BRING IT!
CODY
(rolling back his sleeves)
Yeah, well I'm about to but this
isn't going to be a fair fight!
PAUL
You know what? You're right. How
about this? I'll fight you with one
arm tied behind my back and my dick
in your girlfriend's ass!
CODY
I'm going to kick your ass, Rocky!
PAUL
Let's see what you got, Kidman!
DAKOTA
MORTAL KOMBAT!
The Mortal Kombat THEME SONGS blasts. Cody and Paul get ready
for battle.
DAKOTA (CONT'D) (cont'd)
(Mortal Kombat voice)
Fight!
Cody and Paul charge each other. Cody goes for a CLOTHESLINE,
Paul ducks. Cody turns around -SMACK!- Paul CHOPS Cody's
chest.
COMIC-CON CROWD
Whoooooo!
DAKOTA
(Mortal Kombat Voice)
Excellent.
Paul struts around like RIC FLAIR and follows it up with a
giant --
PAUL
WHOOOOOO!
Cody looks over and sees a metal chair spaced between him and
Paul. Cody runs towards the chair--
CODY
AIR SABU!
Cody uses the chair and SPRINGBOARDS off of it crashing into
Paul sending them both to the ground. Uninjured, Cody gets up
and poses like Sabu. The crowd pumps their fists into the air
chanting.
COMIC-CON CROWD
ECW! ECW! ECW!
Cody poses for too long as Paul crawls over and grabs another
chair. Cody turns around, Paul throws the chair at Cody's
face. Cody catches the chair only to have Paul give him a
VANDAMNANTOR!
COMIC-CON CROWD (CONT'D) (cont'd)
RVD! RVD! RVD! RVD!
Paul gets distracted and showboats to the crowd with a huge
smile.
PAUL
Yeah, that's right. That's why I'm
everybodies favorite wrestler --
PAUL WITH THE CROWD
(Paul poses like ROB VAN
DAM)
ROB... VAN... DAM!
Paul turns to Cody but the fans continue.
COMIC-CON CROWD
THE WHOLE FUCKING SHOW!
PAUL
(turns to the crowd)
Yeah, all right.
Cody shakes it off and takes of running towards the PINK
POWER RANGER who is innocently watching the fight and pulls
off her helmet reveling the hot woman inside. Without
heisting Cody rams his tongue down her throat and turns back
to Paul.
CODY
HA!
Paul runs over to the YELLOW RANGER and rips off the helmet
and without heisting Paul kisses the ranger then turns back
to Cody.
Wait a minute.
Paul turns back to the Ranger. For some reason it's not an
hot Asian girl like on the first season but a dorky ASIAN
MAN!
DAKOTA
(confused)
Liu Kang?
Paul stares for a beat then.
PAUL
(horrified)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
YELLOW RANGER
(horrified)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Cody takes advantage of the situation and runs full speed
towards Paul and WHACKS him in the head with the Helmet --
BOING! The helmet bounces off Paul's head and flies straight
towards Billy's face.
BILLY
Aww, not again.
BAM! The helmet knocks Billy out cold. The music stops.
Dakota looks down at Billy.
DAKOTA
(Mortal Kombat voice)
Flawless victory.
(beat) (Mortal Kombat
voice)
Fatality.
CUT TO:
40 INT. BUS - DAY 40
A sad Paul sits in the back of the bus removing his makeup.
Up front Shandi is reunited with the girls who are helping
her wipe off the black makeup from around her eyes from her
Batgirl costume -- she's now in normal clothing.
CODY
Sorry, dude.
PAUL
Yeah.
BILLY
What's wrong, dude?
PAUL
Nothing.
BILLY
Are you sure?
PAUL
Yes.
DAKOTA
I don't know.
(motions towards Shandi)
After banging that I wouldn't be
all sad and blue.
CODY
Dude, she's hot.
DAKOTA
I know.
MIKE
So, how was it?
PAUL
Dude, I don't talk about my sexual
escapades.
Suddenly it hits Dakota.
DAKOTA
You forgot to pull out didn't you?
Dude, that's okay. If she has a boy
we'll train it in the ways of rock
'n' roll. If it's a girl... we'll
promise to keep Mike away from her.
MIKE
What's that suppose to mean?
PAUL
No, it's not that.
CODY
She didn't swallow did she? Man, I
hate it when they spit. That's
shit's nasty, it gets everywhere.
PAUL
(stands up)
No, damn it. I can't get it up! The
guys are in silence then LAUGHTER
erupts.
CODY
Haha! The love gun is shooting
blanks!
DAKOTA
Shooting blanks, hell it can't even
load.
CODY
Dude, you know what? Remember that
thing about the arm behind his back
and his dick in my girlfriend's
ass? If he couldn't get it up for
his woman how the hell could he get
it up for mine!
Cherry looks back and gives Cody a PISSED OFF look. Cody
quickly stops laughing.
DAKOTA
Maybe she's a hermaphrodite? Haha!
MIKE
I'd fuck a Hermes.
The laughter stops.
BILLY
Dude.
MIKE
Hey, imagine a supermodel with my
ten foot poll.
Silence.
BILLY
Dude, what are you talking about?
MIKE
Just think about it.
BILLY
NO!
MIKE
All right. Imagine Gretchen with
your's.
BILLY
Dude, she'd kill me if she had my
skin-beater attached to her.
PAUL
Dude, are you saying you'd bend
over if she had one?
BILLY
Yeah, I mean wouldn't you if -- I
mean, no!
CODY
Hey, now wait a minute, I'd let a
chick do me with my Dragon's Tail.
DAKOTA
Hey, I don't like this
conversation!
CODY
What, you wouldn't do yourself?
DAKOTA
No!
CODY
You never even thought about having
a clone of yourself to --
DAKOTA
Dude, have you seen what I look
like?!
CODY
Yeah, I wouldn't fuck myself if I
was you either.
DAKOTA
Fuck you, Earthling!
CODY
I'm not an Earthling! I'm a Demon!
I... AM... GENE SIMMONS
(sticking his tongue out)
BLAHHHHHH!
Bill finally takes control of the situation.
BILLY
Look we need a band name, damn it.
PAUL
Heck with it, let's just call the
band "Wolford" and get it over
with. I mean who else is going to
use that for a band name. Plus, it
sounds cool to yell out at a rock
show.
(throws his fist in the
air)
WOLFORD!!!!!!
DAKOTA
Alright.
CODY
Why not?
BILLY
Cool. All right, now we need to
make a stop to get some gear for
our show tomorrow night. Shawn!
SHAWN
Yeah?!
BILLY
Check it! Pull in at the first
Meyers you see! We need to buy some
props!
SHAWN
Got it!
DAKOTA
Meyers? What kind of stage props
are we going to get there?
CUT TO:
41 INT. VFW - NIGHT 41
A packed house of RETIRED SOLDIERS, WIVES, SONS and
DAUGHTERS. Smiles across the board as we hear a group belting
out the opening verse of THE SHIRELLES classic song, "SOLDIER
BOY" to a round of applause.
GROUP (O.S.)
(singing)
Soldier boy!
Oh, my little Soldier boy,
I'll be true to you!
The Stage's curtain opens up. Everyone in the Audience Gasps.
The camera PANS around and we see "Wolford" up on stage
wearing SHORT BLUE SEQUIN DRESSES and HIGH HEELS and a
shitload of MAKEUP!
All four are standing side-by-side moving back and forth to a
choreographed number. The stand out is Dakota as he is the
only one with his instrument while everyone else is being
backed up by the local VFW band who are also in shock.
The boy's continue their number.
WOLFORD
(singing)
You were my first love,
and you'll be my last love,
I will never make you blue,
I'll be true to you!
(beat)
In the whole world,
you can love but only one girl,
let me be that one girl,
for I'll be true to you.
All right time for the solo! Dakota staggers out from his
place and takes center stage unfortunately there's a problem.
Whatever he's wearing under his dress keeps riding up on him.
Every chance Dakota gets he reaches behind his back and pulls
something down then quickly swing his hand back around and
plays the next note.
The rest of the band notices Dakota's action's while they
continue their dance number. Something rides up again and
Dakota reaches back then he stops playing all together and
turns back to the band in tears.
CODY
(mouthing to Dakota)
What is it?
Dakota lifts up his right hand to the band. There's something
missing... his GUITAR PICK.
DAKOTA
(mouthing to Paul)
It's up my ass.
Paul motions Dakota to join the rest of the band again.
Dakota heads over to the band walking like he has a stick (or
guitar pick) up his ass.
Like a real trooper Dakota finishes out the rest of the song
with the band. Sadly no standing ovation, just a bunch of
stares from the stunned audience.
CUT TO:
42 EXT. MOTEL 6 #2 - NIGHT 42
Another Motel six in a different city stares out at us as we
hear horrifying screams coming from one of the rooms.
DAKOTA (O.S.)
Ahh!
43 EXT. MOTEL 6 #2 - BAND'S ROOM - NIGHT 43
All the guys are in the motel room, a change of clothes for
the band has happened. Everyone is sitting on the bed trying
their best not to laugh as they hear farts echoing into the
toilet and Dakota screaming in the bathroom.
DAKOTA (O.S.)
Empty farts! All I'm getting out of
my ass are empty farts! Ahh, shit
not even a wet one!
PAUL
Grin and bear it, Ace!
DAKOTA (O.S.)
Ahh! Fuck you, you son of a bitch
that's not funny! Errrrrr!
(long beat)
Errrrr!
(longer beat)
GET OUT OF MY ASS! ERRRRRR!
BILLY
Do you need some help in there?
DAKOTA (O.S.)
NO! Ahh, dude it feels like I'm
having a baby! Oh, my baby's head
is going to be a purple guitar pick
with a black turtle on it!
Paul stops laughing.
PAUL
Hey -- that's my guitar pick!
DAKOTA (O.S.)
Hahahahahaha!
CODY
That's it.
Cody jumps up and grabs Billy's duffle bag and opens it up.
BILLY
Dude, what are you doing?
Cody pulls out a RUBBER GLOVE.
SHAWN
(confused)
Bill, what are you doing with that?
BILLY
Uh... I... was thinking about doing
that Howie Mandel thing where he
blew up the glove on his head
during my drum solo... thingy.
Cody SNAPS the glove on.
DAKOTA (O.S.)
What was that?!
Cody heads towards the bathroom door and -BOOM!- kicks it
open.
CODY
Bend over, bitch!
DAKOTA (O.S.)
Ahh!
Cody slams the door shut. As soon as he does a GIGANTIC load
of shit is heard flying into the toilet. The door handle
rattles uncontrollably then falls off.
CODY (O.S.)
NO! Help! Get me out of here! Ohh,
damn it, Dakota flush!
The toilet is heard flushing then overflowing!
DAKOTA (O.S.)
It's overflowing!
CODY
Ahh! Get me out, get me out! Everyone runs out of the room.
DAKOTA (O.S.)
No, don't leave us!
CUT TO:
44 EXT. MOTEL 6 #2 - BACK - LATER 44
Dakota and Cody are swishing around the motel's pool. Shawn
and the guys pour every washing material known to man into
the pool.
SHAWN
This is taking forever.
MIKE
I think the pool was to dirty to
start with.
BILLY
I think it's Dakota's shit.
DAKOTA
Could be.
CODY
What do you mean, "could be?" We're
here because of you.
DAKOTA
No, we're here because Billy booked
that show.
BILLY
Hey, I didn't tell you to wear a
thong under that dress.
DAKOTA
What was I suppose to wear?
BILLY
Freebag like me, man. I don't wear
anything.
DAKOTA
Ewww, dude. I didn't want to know
that.
CODY
Oh, so that's why you never wash
underwear. I thought you had some
kind of stinky underwear fetish.
BILLY
No, that was in the eighties.
PAUL
Hey, look it's coming off, just
give it time. Gee, it's not like
we're going anywhere tomorrow.
CODY
Oh, yeah, especially since... we're
on TOUR and the Rock Festival is
FRIDAY!
PAUL
Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.
45 EXT. MOTEL 6 #2 - CHICKS' ROOM - NIGHT 45
Shandi is sitting on her bed in her bathrobe with her
thoughts. Cherry, Rachel and Gretchen are tying their robes.
RACHEL
You sure you don't want to swim,
Shandi?
SHANDI
Yeah.
Cherry heads over to Shandi's bed and sits at the foot of it.
CHERRY
(to Shandi)
Well?
SHANDI
Well...?
CHERRY
What's the deal with you and Paul.
SHANDI
Nothing. There is no deal.
RACHEL
Yeah and that's why you slammed
that girls head into the locker
when she called him "the school--
SHANDI
I didn't do it because of that.
RACHEL
Then why?
SHANDI
Because.
CHERRY
Because what?
SHANDI
That was an argument between me and
her. It wasn't about Paul.
CHERRY
Uh-huh.
SHANDI
Look, it's...complicated.
RACHEL
How?
SHANDI
It just is.
CHERRY
He told you he liked you didn't he?
SHANDI
Yes.
CHERRY
So what's the problem? Don't you
like him?
SHANDI
Kinda.
CHERRY
Kinda?
SHANDI
We were at the theater and I made a
move and he did nothing in return.
RACHEL
Maybe he was just being a nice guy,
you know? He didn't want to make a
move the first night out. He didn't
know how you would react or he
didn't want to hurt your feelings.
Plus it wasn't a date right?
SHANDI
I don't think that is it. Look,
he's...all right.
RACHEL
All right?
SHANDI
Well, he does have that long hair
thing going for him and he's got
good taste in music...he can't play
it but he has it. I just don't
think he's the dateable type. He's
the type who can't be in one place
to long and needs the freedom to
just go whenever he feels. He
wouldn't cheat on me but he just
couldn't be there.
RACHEL
I'm not buying that free spirit
crap.
CHERRY
Nope.
SHANDI
You don't have to.
CHERRY
What happened today at the comic
con?
SHANDI
Nothing happened.
CHERRY
Nothing happened?
SHANDI
No.
CHERRY
So you two went into the back room
and nothing happened. Not even a
hug or kiss?
SHANDI
Well...I think he wanted to but in
the end he left.
RACHEL
What did you say to him to make him
so angry?
SHANDI
Nothing. I think he knows or
believes that we're not going to
happen so he just spun a tale to
get the attention off of me.
CHERRY
You're not going to reconsider it?
SHANDI
I don't know.
CHERRY
Can you even picture what it would
be like with him? I mean if you two
actually got over this stumbling
block - whatever it is - that's
between you guys and you tried?
Shandi looks down at the bed in
deep thought.
DISSOLVE TO:
46 INT. HOSPITAL DELIVERY ROOM - DAY 46
SUPER: THE FUTURE. HOLLYWOOD, CA
A typical delivery room. Shandi is laying on the bed. A
contraction hits and she lets everyone know about it from her
SCREAMS of pain. Next to her stands Paul wiping the sweat off
her brow.
PAUL
(coaching)
You're doing good, baby. You're
gonna pop that little fucker out in
no time.
The pain ends for now and Shandi lays her head back. She's
exhausted.
SHANDI
(weakly)
I'm so tried.
Paul slides the hair out of her eyes and kisses her on the
forehead.
PAUL
Don't worry you're going to get
trough this, I know you will.
You're the strongest person I
know...you're not prettier then me
but you are stronger.
Shandi manages a small chuckle as a lone tear runs along her
face. Paul wipes her tear away and tenderly kisses her on the
lips. He lays his head next to hers and softly brushes the
side of her face with his fingers.
Shandi closes her eyes taking comfort and refuge in his
caress.
SHANDI
(weakly)
I love you.
PAUL
(whispers)
I love you, too.
BILLY (O.C.)
Check it. This is going to look
great on the next DVD. The
conception would sell more units
though.
Paul and Shandi look over and see BILLY holding a camcorder
recording the delivery.
SHANDI
(weakly)
Billy. May I see your camcorder?
BILLY
Sure.
Billy walks over and hands her the camcorder. Shandi gently
takes it from him.
SHANDI
(weakly)
Thank you.
BILLY
No--
WHAM! Shandi NAILS Billy in the nuts with it. Billy drops to
the floor as another contraction HITS Shandi.
PAUL
Okay, here we go! Breathe. Come on,
breathe.
SHANDI
Ahh, what the hell do you think I'm
doing, Jewboy?! Paul backs away and
walks over to the Doctor.
PAUL
How's it going?
DOCTOR
Great. I've been delivering babies
for thirty years and this is the
smoothest delivery I've ever had.
Paul looks down at the Doctor, a thought soon comes to mind.
PAUL
Hey, I just thought of something.
DOCTOR
What's that?
PAUL
You're looking at my wife's stuff!
DOCTOR
I kinda have to that's where the
baby comes from.
PAUL
Hell, no! I'm not letting anyone
look at my wife's--
Paul storms over to where the Doctor is sitting and gets a
look between Shandi's legs. Paul's eyes widen in horror.
PAUL (CONT'D) (cont'd)
Dude, what the hell is that thing!
The Doctor looks up at Paul and slides his surgical mask
down.
DOCTOR
(slowly)
It's a vagina.
PAUL
Ewww, that's what they look like?
DOCTOR
You're the father are you not?
PAUL
Yeah.
DOCTOR
Well, then you've seen one before,
namely hers.
PAUL
Well, not really.
DOCTOR
What?
PAUL
Well, it was dark and she was on
top and I wasn't really paying
attention--
SHANDI
What?!
PAUL
(didn't hear Shandi)
I was thinking about the football
game the next day 'cause I just bet
five hundred dollars on it--
SHANDI
You did what?! Paul turns to
Shandi.
PAUL
Don't worry babe Oakland won. How
do you think you got those ear
rings?
While in the process of helping Bill up a NURSE points out
the problem.
NURSE
She was talking about the "not
paying attention" part.
PAUL
Well, baby it was five hundred--
(getting it)
Oh, we're in here 'cause of me.
Shandi is supremely pissed. Paul tries to dig his way out of
it.
PAUL (CONT'D) (cont'd)
Hey, you always wanted kids and I
told you I'd give you everything
you ever wanted so...
(holding out his arms)
who loves 'ya baby?!
CUT TO:
47 INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS 47
SMASH! Paul goes FLYING through the window.
BACK TO:
48 INT. MOTEL 6 #2 - CHICKS' ROOM - THAT MOMENT 48
Shandi snaps out of it when she hears Rachel.
RACHEL
They're in the pool!
49 INT. MOTEL 6 #2 - BACK - NIGHT 49
Our heros turn to see all the girls running out their motel
room throwing off their bathrobes (G rated bikinis
underneath) and heading straight for the pool. Well, everyone
but Shandi, who's just moseying along and instead of a bikini
she's still in her bathrobe.
The girls quickly turn on the afterburners as they are feet
from the pool. The guys try to warn the girls not to jump in
the pool but --
SPLASH!
Shandi watches on as the girls SCREAM in horror and quickly
swim out of the pool and stand in place doing a little dance
of disgust covered in shit and soap.
Shandi quickly runs back into room and shuts the door before
anything gets on her.
CHERRY
Ewwwww, what is this shit?!
BILLY
That's pretty much what it is.
RACHEL
Shit? This is fucking shit!?
DAKOTA
And soap.
BILLY
We tired to warn you.
GRETCHEN
Assholes!
CODY
(to Bill)
Dude, she said, "Assholes!"
BILLY
Yeah, my English lessons must be
working.
(to Gretchen)
Can you say "prenup" yet?
MIKE
This reminds me of a movie I did.
We were in a women's bathroom and--
EVERYONE
Shut up, Mike!
MIKE
Well, kiss my ass then. I won't
tell you my story.
Mike reaches down and picks up the hose and sprays the girls
who in turn scream.
MIKE (CONT'D) (cont'd)
It's this or get back in the pool.
Vexed the girls choose the hose. Mike couldn't be happier as
he lights a cigarette and then turns the hose back on.
MIKE (CONT'D) (cont'd)
(exhaling)
Shiittt.
CUT TO:
50 EXT. ANOTHER GAS STATION - DAY 50
SUPER: THURSDAY
Everyone is walking around the gas station stretching their
backs, legs, etc. The rest of the group are heading into the
Station while Paul and Cody go to pump the gas. Cody looks,
51 ACROSS THE STREET 51
at a large community center. The parking lot is full. Several
GOOD LOOKING WOMEN walk into the center.
Paul starts to pump the gas.
PAUL
Let me know when it's full, Cody.
Cody?
Paul looks up and sees Cody running across the street for the
Community Center.
52 INT. COMMUNITY CENTER - DAY 52
Cody opens the door and heads into the large and, thank
Heavens, air-conditioned Center. The Center is packed with
women ranging from late teens to early thirties.
At the front of the Center is a small stage with a
charismatic speaker, BRIGITTE.
BRIGITTE
... we stand together! Fight
together! Love together and live
together! Nothing can stand in our
way!
Cody quickly runs up to the back of the girls trying to fit
in.
BRIGITTE (CONT'D) (cont'd)
Women are strong!
CROWD
Yes!
BRIGITTE
Women are intelligent!
Cody catches on.
CROWD AND CODY
Yes!
BRIGITTE
Women are beautiful!
CROWD AND CODY
Yes!
BRIGITTE
Women are sexual!
CROWD AND CODY
Yes!
BRIGITTE
And women don't need men!
CROWD
Yes!
CODY
No!
Everyone turns to Cody.
CODY (CONT'D) (cont'd)
Man, what the hell are you talking
about? Man, you need me.
BRIGITTE
How did you get in here?
CODY
The door, Butch. Now, which of you
ladies want a taste of the demon's
tongue?
(sticks his tongue out
like Gene Simmons)
BLAHHHHHH!
CUT TO:
53 INT. ANOTHER GAS STATION - DAY 53
Shandi is first in line and buying a DR. PEPPER. She looks at
the CD rack and pulls out a CD. She looks out the window at
Paul a thought races across her mind. She hands the CASHIER
the CD.
54 EXT. ANOTHER GAS STATION - DAY 54
Mike heads out to the bus.
MIKE
Paul.
PAUL
Yeah?
MIKE
Where's Cody?
PAUL
(pointing)
He ran over there.
MIKE
Community Center?
PAUL
Yep.
Paul turns and puts back the pump.
MIKE
Why?
PAUL
I don't know. I guess he saw some
girls over there or--
Paul turns back only to see Mike halfway across the street
running towards the Center.
CUT TO:
55 INT. COMMUNITY CENTER - DAY 55
Cody is stomping around the Community Center as if he were
possessed with the spirit of Gene Simmons. The girls are more
confused then scared. Suddenly the door opens and Mike runs
in and strikes a pose.
MIKE
Drop'em and bend'em, 'cause the
master is coming in'em!
BRIGITTE
Another man, damn it!
MIKE
What?
CODY
They said they don't need men,
Mike.
MIKE
Oh yeah, well, let me just change
your minds!
Mike walks to the center of the room and begins unzipping his
pants.
CUT TO:
56 EXT. ANOTHER GAS STATION - DAY 56
Everyone heads back towards the bus carrying some junk food,
sunglass, you know all that pointless crap you buy when
traveling. The group notices they're missing two members.
RACHEL
Paul.
Paul points at the Community Center.
RACHEL (CONT'D) (cont'd)
What are they doing over there?
ANGLE ON - THE COMMUNITY CENTER, as laughter ERUPTS from
inside as Mike storms out the front door zipping up his
pants.
Cody stumbles out of the center laughing and falls onto the
ground. He points at Mike while making a "it's this big"
gesture with his hand, only in this case big is about HALF-A
INCH.
Mike makes it to the bus, stops and looks at everyone.
MIKE
IT'S FUCKING COLD IN THERE!
And with that he heads into the bus.
CHERRY
(walking to Cody)
I better get Cody.
Shandi takes Paul to the side while everyone piles onto the
bus. She opens her shopping bag allowing Paul to take a peak.
Paul looks back to Shandi who cracks a devilish smile.
Cherry walks by with Cody and get on the bus with Paul and
Shandi following suit.
CUT TO:
57 EXT. GLAM CLUB - NIGHT 57
You guessed it, another full parking lot.
58 INT. GLAM CLUB - NIGHT 58
Just like every other club this one is packed. Wolford is up
on stage glamed out.
ANGLE ON - THE EXIT DOORS, as Shawn and Mike are ready to
bolt out the doors at any moment. Shandi and the girls walk
up to them.
SHANDI
Why are you guys standing over
here?
MIKE
These guys have a boner for
starting riots and I'm not getting
involved in another one.
Remember that little "Guns N'
Roses" incident?
CHERRY
I don't think that's going to
happen tonight.
RACHEL
Yeah, it seems like a pretty cool
crowd.
SHAWN
Yeah, we'll see.
ANGLE ON - PAUL, as he heads up to the mic.
PAUL
Alright! We're goin' to do
something for you now--
HECKLER
You suck!
PAUL
Hey, we haven't even played yet.
HECKLER
No, not them just you! You suck!
PAUL
Hey, pal, I was thirsty, your
girlfriend flopped her tits out,
what was I supposed to do?
HECKLER
You son of a bitch!
The Heckler charges the stage and gets met by a BOOT in the
face from Paul, suddenly a RIOT breaks out. Mike and Shawn
and the girls haul ass out the exit door.
MIKE
(exiting)
Damn it! I told you these sons of
bitches would do this!
CUT TO:
59 EXT. MOTEL 6 #3 - NIGHT 59
Another city, another Motel 6.
60 EXT. MOTEL 6 #3 - BAND'S ROOM - NIGHT 60
All the guys and girls are in the room, sans Paul and Shandi.
BILLY
I'm getting tired of all these
riots. KISS never went through
this!
SHAWN
Well, you're not KISS.
CODY
We're going to be!
CHERRY
How?
CODY
KISS will soon leave this Earthly
plain and return back to the
Heaven's that the great four god's--
BILLY
FIVE! ERIC CARR IS A GOD TOO
ASSHOLE!
CODY
Five then, bitch!
BILLY
Well, tell our KISStory right!
CODY
I am!
BILLY
No, you're not! You said four!
CODY
Damn it, I wasn't counting Ace
Frehley!
BILLY
Oh, okay.
DAKOTA
(protesting)
Hey, Ace is--
BILLY AND CODY
SHUT UP, DAKOTA!
CODY
Anyway, they must leave these
plains and return to Olympus.
Therefore they will need others to
carry on their work. We will take
their place and become their
incarnates because KISS are legends
and
(singing)
legends never die!
A moment of silence.
GRETCHEN
You guys are idiots.
SHAWN
I told'em that earlier.
Out of nowhere a low OMINOUS noise is heard. It steadily
becomes louder and louder. Everyone looks over to the wall
next to them. It's coming from next door.
61 INT. MOTEL 6 #3 - PAUL'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS 61
The "ominous" sound was the beginning to Robert Palmer's
"SIMPLY IRRESISTIBLE" playing at an ungodly level on the CD
Player.
Laying on the bed is Paul wearing some comfy KISS sweats and
a huge smile while moving side to side along with the music.
In front of him Shandi is dressed just like the girls in the
black dresses from the Simply Irresistible video -- makeup
and all!
Shandi BUMPS and GRINDS to the music and is enjoying every
moment of it. She kicks off her high heels sending them
flying across the room -- one flies by Paul and nearly hits
him in the head.
Shandi slowly runs her hands down the front of her body until
she reaches the bottom of her dress which she grabs. Shandi
BITES her bottom lip and looks up at Paul with lust in her
eyes.
Shandi begins to raise her dress seductively. She raises it
higher and higher and HIGHER. She's about three inches from
showing her panties -- if any -- two inches, ONE!
She stops.
PAUL
NO!
SHANDI
(with an evil grin)
Mmmm... take yours off first.
Paul quickly reaches down and pulls the strings on the front
of his sweats. Paul's arm comes to an abrupt stop. He tugs
again. Nothing. Paul looks down at the strings. It's in a
KNOT!
PAUL
Ahh! Betrayed!
Paul continues to pull but to no avail. Shandi looks on
slowly starting to loose interest in whatever activity she
had planned next.
Paul stands up on the bed and holds the string then jumps
into the air falling down on his back while pulling on the
string. Crap! That didn't work either.
He looks over and notices Shandi's growing disinterest as she
turns off the stereo and sits in the chair at the foot of the
bed.
PAUL (cont'd)
Hold on, I'll get it.
As Paul turns around on the bed there's a knock on the door.
PAUL (cont'd)
COME IN!
Cody enters the room and gets an eye full of Shandi laying
across the arms of a chair twiddling her thumbs.
CODY
DUDE!
SHANDI
(bored)
Hey, Cody.
PAUL (O.S.)
Cody! Get over here and help me.
CODY
Man, you're one lucky--
Cody turns and sees Paul kneeling on the bed with his back to
us JERKING on the string with his right hand. We know what
he's doing but unfortunately for Cody it looks like he's
SPANKING IT.
CODY (cont'd)
(disgusted)
Aww, dude! Man, that's sick. You
should be getting it on with her
not Mister Happy Hand!
PAUL
Mister Happy Hand?
Paul turns around. Cody SCREAMS and covers his eyes like he's
about to face Medusa.
PAUL(cont'd)
Dude, help me get my pants off!
CODY
No!
PAUL
Dude, my string is in a knot!
CODY
Dude, you...
(uncovering his eyes)
Huh?
(notices the knot)
Ohh. Stand up, dude. We need to get
you laid.
Cody runs over to the bed. Paul stands up and starts walking
backwards as Cody pulls on the string. It's not working.
CODY (CONT'D) (cont'd)
Evil... no good... try running
backwards.
Cody puts his foot up on the bed while Paul starts running
backwards. Cody starts jerking the string.
At this moment fate has decided that Billy would stroll into
the room. The first thing he sees is Shandi.
BILLY
Hey, Paul--
(sees Shandi)
Oh... Hey, now.
SHANDI
(bitting her nails)
Hi, Bill.
BILLY
You are looking--
PAUL (O.S.)
Come on! Get it off!
CODY (O.S.)
I'm trying! It won't come!
PAUL (O.S.)
Jerk it harder!
Billy turns and sees Paul on the bed and with Cody's back to
him jerking on the string. Billy doesn't see the string so it
looks like Cody is --
BILLY
(like a girl)
OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
DOING?!
CODY
Huh?
PAUL
NO!
Cody quickly lets go and faces Bill. Paul loses his balance
and charges up the bed. He manages to turn around only to
CRASH face first THROUGH THE WALL leaving his feet hanging
out of the wall along with his sweat pants.
62 INT. MOTEL 6 #3 - NEXT ROOM - CONTINUOUS 62
Still hanging upside down on the wall Paul coughs up some
drywall. He tries to peer through the smoke and sees a dark
room full of
S&M PRODUCTS.
It's a fetish dream room... or hell or earth, depending on
your pleasure.
Paul turns his head to the side and sees a TALL MAN dressed
head to toe in full BONDAGE GEAR. The man smiles and zips the
zipper on his BONDAGE MASK and raises a whip and runs towards
Paul.
PAUL
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
CUT TO:
63 EXT. MOTEL 6 - BAND'S ROOM - MORNING 63
SUPER: FRIDAY
The band is heading out to the bus but the line is slow
moving as Shandi helps Paul, who's holding his ass, to the
vehicle. To add insult to injury, Paul's so called "friends"
can't stop themselves from giggling.
After a minute of torture Shawn gives in.
SHAWN
Dude, he whipped your ass good!
Everyone, including Shandi burst out laughing. Paul slowly
twists around and faces the group.
PAUL
I want everyone here to know...
that I HATE YOU ALL!
True feelings aside no one can stop from laughing. Paul looks
at Shandi. She covers her mouth with her hand, poor thing
can't stop laughing either.
PAUL(cont'd)
I'll just help myself on the bus.
SHANDI
(composes herself)
I'm sorry.
Shandi starts helping Paul. Paul moves his arm from her.
PAUL
No, damn it. I'll do it myself. I
don't need you.
SHANDI
Fine be like Cody.
CODY
(offended)
Hey, now --
CUT TO:
64 INT. BUS - MOMENTS LATER 64
The group is filling up the bus. The girls begin sitting with
the girls and the guys with the guys. Paul is sitting alone
in the back seat.
DAKOTA
(to Paul)
Dude, you're not going to sit up
here with us?
PAUL
Bite me you jolly pirate doughnut.
DAKOTA
Ouuu, said the frog to the gator.
EVERYONE
What?!
DAKOTA
You heard me. Frog to the gator,
baby.
EVERYONE
What?!
DAKOTA
Never mind.
BILLY
Let's go to the movies!
SHAWN
Dude, what about the show?
BILLY
Check it. Let's go to the movies.
SHAWN
You just said that.
BILLY
No, that time I used my catch
phrase, "Check it."
MIKE
You know what my catch phrase is? I
said it earlier.
EVERYONE
No!
MIKE
Well, kiss my ass.
(lights a cig and exhales)
Shiittt.
SHAWN
(starting up the bus)
So are we going to the movies?
CODY
No.
BILLY
Yes.
CODY
We don't have time we have to get
to the Rock Festival.
BILLY
Yes, we do.
DAKOTA
I don't feel like paying for it.
BILLY
Don't worry about it. I'll pay for
it.
DAKOTA
How the hell did you get money?
BILLY
(puzzled)
How did I...?
Bill looks down at his
"JEWBOY II: MORE JEW" MOVIE SCRIPT.
BILLY (cont'd)
I don't know. Paul didn't write it
in the script. It just has me
saying, "I'll pay for it," then we
cut to the theater.
SHANDI
You didn't really think this script
through did you, Paul?
PAUL
(no longer in pain)
Not really.
SHANDI
I can't believe I gave up a lead
role to play in this stupid thing.
(mocking)
"Oh, it will bigger then the first
one. Oh, you'll have more lines and
you don't have another sex scene
with me like you did in the first
one."
GRETCHEN
(Jersey accent)
Wait a minute. There was a sex
scene in the first movie?
SHANDI
Yeah, and I asked him why it wasn't
in the movie and he said, "Oh, we
had to cut it out of the theatrical
release but it'll be on the Special
Edition Director's Cut DVD", and he
never released it.
PAUL
That was the studio's fault. They
said, "Hey, Director's Cut or not
we're not showing anything with
penetration."
SHANDI
Well, I'm an artist and I didn't do
that scene for fun. Now, I wanna
see me fu --
(notices everyone looking
at her)
Um.
RACHEL
Well, did you expect anything less?
I'm mean look who's doing the
movie.
PAUL
Hey!
DAKOTA
She's right. "Said the frog to the
gator?" What kind of crap is that?
We took that IQ Test with Cody and
you know the results of my score.
It is insulting that you have me
speak in the manner that--
PAUL
Uh... it's a movie. It doesn't
matter how you speak in real life.
MIKE
Speaking of movies, you're ruining
the sequel by including this scene
and besides I don't like it.
SHANDI
You don't like this scene?
MIKE
No.
SHANDI
Okay, well, give me a second and
I'll open up the cherry bowl that
way Paul can cut this scene out
like the last one!
PAUL
Damn, your bitchy over that scene!
You wanna watch that scene?! Fine,
we'll watch it!
Paul jumps up from the seat and turns on the TV/VCR combo on
the bus, a VHS TAPE is tossed to Paul from NOWHERE and put
into the VCR.
Cody looks on nervously.
CODY
Why is it on a VHS and not digital?
PAUL
The scene was meant to look like it
was shot on home video so I shot it
on one.
CODY
Uh... what camera did you use?
PAUL
That one I had at my house that you
spilt Dr. Pepper and crap on.
CODY
Um... did you take the tape out or
leave it in the camcorder?
PAUL
Actually, I left it in. Why?
Before Cody can respond the tape begins playing and everyone
crowds around the TV.
SHANDI (O.C.)
(seductively) (filtered)
I want you to --
CODY (O.C.)
(filtered)
I am the lord of the waste lands!
No, that sucks.
Everyone looks confused at the TV.
CODY (O.C.) (cont'd)
(energetic)
I am the lord of the waste lands.
(normal voice)
No.
(angry)
I am the lord of the waste lands,
maggot! You will bow to --
(normal voice)
No, that's not it either.
(Shakespearian voice)
Thine art the lord of the waste
lands, bitch.
PAUL
Cody... what am I looking at?
CODY
I wanted to practice my lines for
the movie, you now, be all serious
for the part like a real actor this
time. Which means I needed to film
my performance to study it but I
didn't have any tapes and since
there was already one in the
camcorder I just --
BILLY
TAPED OVER THE ASS! DAMN IT, SHAWN!
SHAWN
What?!
BILLY
I mean, Cody! Sorry, dude. Force of
habit.
PAUL
Alright! This scene has gone on
long enough.
CUT TO:
65 EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - DAY 65
The tour bus is double parked in front of the station.
Outside the bus Billy and Shawn are counting out the money in
the Paul Stanley Guitar/Ric Flair Retirement Fund.
Walking up and down the side walk is a well dressed man who
is also a RELIGIOUS ZEALOT. The Zealot hands out TRACTS to
any and all who walk past him.
RACHEL
Well?
BILLY
...Ninety-nine. Got it! Ha! We can
spring him! Come on.
Billy and Shawn head towards the door but Mike isn't budging.
SHAWN
Mike, you coming?
MIKE
Hell, no. I'm on probation. I'm not
going in there.
SHAWN
Come on.
MIKE
No. No way. They see me, I'll see a
nightstick.
SHAWN
(not giving up)
Come on.
MIKE
No.
SHAWN
Come on.
MIKE
No!
SHAWN
Mike, they're not going to do
anything to you.
MIKE
You don't know that.
SHAWN
Damn Mike, the only time you do
something fun is when you're drunk.
MIKE
That's why I'm on probation!
SHAWN
(giving up)
Alright.
Shawn and Bill head into the Station.
MIKE
How did you get arrested anyway,
Paul? I mean it doesn't make any
sense that your with us one minute
and you're in Jail the next.
We PAN over and see Paul in the director's chair and the
production crew.
PAUL
(whispers)
Shut up, Mike.
(spots the camera on him)
Get the camera off me.
CUT TO:
66 EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - MOMENTS LATER 66
Paul walks out the front doors with Bill and Shawn to a
standing ovation from the group.
PAUL
(under his breath)
God, I hate these people.
(to everyone)
All right, everyone in the bus!
Bill, for the Rock Festival we're
going to open it like, KISS
"Alive!" with "Deuce" and
"Strutter."
The Zealot's ears perk up and makes a b-line for the group.
ZEALOT
KISS is the Devil's music.
Paul smiles, "You poor man" and pats the Zealot on the head.
The Zealot brushes Paul hand away as if he was a leper.
ZEALOT (CONT'D) (cont'd)
You mentioned the "Alive!" album.
Did you know that if you spell
"Alive" backwards and drop the "A"
it spells "Evil"? KISS Evil.
PAUL
Did you know that if you dropped to
your knees and sucked my --
CUT TO:
67 INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - JAIL CELL - MOMENTS LATER 67
WHAM! The cell door closes on Paul.
PAUL
Man, how many times are you going
to arrest me today?
The Officer just shakes his head to himself, "Kid's never
gonna learn" and leaves Paul to himself again. Paul goes over
and sits on the cot.
Seconds later the Officer returns with a LARGE man in cuffs.
What the hell we'll call him BUBBA. He also has the slow,
long drawn out southern accent to go with it.
The Officer un-cuffs Bubba and leads him into Paul's cell.
OFFICER
You two behave now. Especially you,
Bubba.
BUBBA
Yes, officer, sir.
The Cell door slams shut. Bubba turns to Paul and smiles a
toothless grin.
CUT TO:
68 INT. BUS - DAY 68
The Band is heading down the road. Once again Shawn is at the
wheel while everyone in the back is brainstorming.
DAKOTA
Okay. How are we getting out of
this one?
SHANDI
Simple. Think like Paul. Paul would
probably think, "What would Jesus
Do?" So what would Jesus do?
Cody throws his hand up like a child in grade school.
CODY
Oh. I know this one! I know this
one!
SHANDI
What?
CODY
He'd walk through the Jail Cell
wall just like David Copperfiled
did the Great Wall of China!
CHERRY
Um...what would Paul do?
CODY
Blow up the Jail Cell.
BILLY
That's not going to work.
DAKOTA
What if we used our pyro?
BILLY
Dude, that's for our show tonight.
SHANDI
There isn't going to be a show
tonight, right?
CODY
You know, I was thinking about
that.
Every time we play a gig - with the
exception of the VFW - Paul is the
one who always ruins it.
BILLY
True.
SHANDI
What are you saying? Go on without
him?
CODY
Exactly.
SHANDI
You can't do that.
CODY
Now wait a minute. I've know Paul
for years. Shawn, Billy and Mike
have know him even longer. And the
one thing about Paul is you can
always trust him to do what's best--
BILLY, CODY, MIKE AND SHAWN
For Paul.
BILLY
Check it. First chance he has at a
going solo he's going for it! I
know it! So we the play the gig
without him: a record producer sees
the show; we get a contract; then
we're on a world tour!
SHANDI
Exactly what are the odds of that
happing?
BILLY
Pretty damn good since this is a
movie.
SHAWN
Alright, boys. We made it.
69 EXT. FIELD HOUSE - PARKING LOT - DAY 69
Shawn motors the bus through a crowed parking lot
overshadowed by a Large Field House that can easily hold a
crowd of several thousand. The banner across the Filed House
reads:
ROCK FESTIVAL!
As they drive by we get a good look at the crowd waiting
outside. It's safe to say you wouldn't take anyone home to
meet momma from this crowd.
70 EXT. FIELD HOUSE - BACK ENTRANCE - CONTINUOUS 70
Shawn parks the bus next to several more buses all tricked
out like the Band's. The Band descends out of the bus like
they're world conquers, while everyone else is just trying to
figure out where they are.
BILLY
Oh, yeah. This is what it's all
about.
CODY
Dude, we are going to rock this
place.
DAKOTA
I gotta take a shit.
BILLY
(overdramatic Hollywood
line)
Me too, Dakota. Me too.
The band heads off and mingles with other bands. Cherry walks
over to Shandi whose mind is obviously somewhere else.
CHERRY
Worried about Paul?
SHANDI
Kinda. I wonder how he's doing.
CHERRY
I'm sure he can take care of
himself.
SHANDI
That's not what I'm worried about.
I'm just worried that he's going to
get himself into more trouble then
he's already in.
CUT TO:
71 INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - JAIL CELL - DAY 71
Paul is sitting on the cot staring at us dead to the world.
To his right Bubba is sitting on the far end of the cot.
Bubba slowly raises his giant right hand and starts sniffing
it. He turns his head towards Paul.
BUBBA
You like the smell of Vaseline?
After a beat Paul turns to look at Bubba who has already
turned his attention back to his hand smelling it again. The
Officer returns with a new Cell mate. A WHITE KID dressed in
THUG WEAR.
OFFICER
Got another one for you.
(opening the cell door)
Enjoy yourself, Bottle Pop.
The Officer closes the door. BOTTLE POP watches the Officer
walk away. As soon as the Officer is out of sight Bottle Pop
acts like he runs the joint.
BOTTLE POP
A'ight. Listen up. Bottle Pop is in
the... hiz-house! Let me introduce
myself. My name is Bottle Pop and I
run the show in this mofo. In case
you be wondering why they call me
Bottle Pop, it's 'cause on the day
I was born, when that white devil
slave master doctor, slapped me on
the ass I grabbed a bottle pop and
cracked it over his head.
(beat)
Now I be representin' West Side.
Which side you two be?
Paul and Bubba stare at Bottle Pop in confusion.
BOTTLE POP (CONT'D) (cont'd)
A'ight. That's cool.
(points to Bubba)
You. You're a big one. You my
muscle in here, dig?
(points to Paul)
And you. You--
PAUL
You say anything with the phrase
"bitch" in it and I'll kick your
ass.
BOTTLE POP
Wow, you don't have to get hostile.
I just going to say, you look
familiar. You a musician right?
PAUL
Something like that.
BOTTLE POP
You be a rocker?
PAUL
Yeah.
BOTTLE POP
Shit, being I'm a poet and all that
we need to pair up some time. Kick
it old school style. Run-DMC,
Aerosmith. Just thinking about that
makes me what to kick it right now.
I'm going to freestyle some shit.
Feel free to jump in, homes.
Bottle Pop begins walking around the cell. Shaking his head
and grabbing his crotch. He finally stops and then starts his
rap.
BOTTLE POP (CONT'D) (cont'd)
(rapping)
Locked up in this enteral cell.
White man making my life a hell.
(getting into it)
All I wanted to do... was pop her
big booty--
PAUL
(standing up)
All right! All right! That's it!
BOTTLE POP
(protesting)
Yo, I--
PAUL
No.
BOTTLE POP
I--
PAUL
No--
BOTTLE POP
I--
PAUL
No! Shut up! Just...shut up! No
more of this, mobizzile mofizzle my
jizzle my nizzle shit okay! Fucking
talk white. Say either
(like a surfer)
Shaw, dude, like I totally got
busted, man.
(normal voice)
Or
(upper high class)
I say, I believe I have found
myself in a rather peculiar
predicament.
(normal voice)
Either way you're fucking white act
like it!
Bottle Pop stares blankly at Paul then wonders off into deep
thought. Has Paul set him straight? Bottle Pop busts out
laughing.
BOTTLE POP
Shit, dawg! You funny as hell! I
like you. I thought you were being
all serious and you was just
playin'.
Bottle Pop takes Paul's hand and starts a long stereo-typical
street hand shake.
CUT TO:
72 INT. FIELD HOUSE - DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT 72
The Band is warming up backstage in their own little dressing
room which is quite spacious actually. Billy is drumming away
on a drum pad and warming up his feet on a double kicker.
Dakota and Cody and warming up on the guitar and bass,
respectively.
Someone bangs on Dressing Room Door.
VOICE (O.S.)
Five minutes!
BILLY
This is going to rule.
DAKOTA
Hell, yeah. I gotta shit again.
Dakota gets up and heads to the
bathroom.
BILLY
Hurry up.
DAKOTA
Yeah, yeah, lick it up.
CODY
(laying out the plan)
I got an idea. We go out there and
play one kick ass song then we jet.
BILLY
Just like Prince did in "Purple
Rain?"
CODY
That's the plan.
BILLY
Works for me.
DAKOTA (O.S.)
Me too!
BILLY
Man, Paul's going to be ticked.
DAKOTA (O.S.)
Well, he should cut back on the
riots!
CODY
Yeah.
BILLY
Absolutely. When Paul and I were
forming this band we said the band
is based on honesty. Even if it is
brutal honesty. We will not lie to
each other because we're only
holding each other and the band
down. If someone is causing
problems in the band or a song
isn't working just say so.
CODY
That's right. That's how it should
always be.
(whispers)
So who's going to tell Paul about
this?
BILLY
(whispers)
I'm not.
CODY
(whispers)
Me either, let Dakota do it.
BILLY
Cool. Hey, Dakota, guess what
you're going to do!
DAKOTA (O.S.)
What?!
BILLY
We just had a band meeting and it
was voted that you're the one who
gets to tell Paul that we played
the gig without him!
DAKOTA (O.S.)
Oh, bull--
The toilet FLUSHES covering up the last part of Dakota's
sentence.
73 INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - JAIL CELL - NIGHT 73
The three are sitting on separate cots in the quiet cell.
It's peaceful.
BOTTLE POP
(to Paul)
You got a woman?
PAUL
No.
BOTTLE POP
Ahh, come on. They ain't nobody out
there youse like?
PAUL
No.
Bottle Pop studies Paul's eyes.
BOTTLE POP
You love her don't you?
PAUL
Who?
BOTTLE POP
The girl.
Paul shakes his head: No.
BOTTLE POP (CONT'D) (cont'd)
Yep, I can see it in your eyes. You
can't lie about romance to me,
dawg. I can tell. Come on. You've
all ready admitted it to yourself.
PAUL
That doesn't mean anything.
BOTTLE POP
Of course it does. Did you tell
her?
PAUL
Yes.
BOTTLE POP
Did you really tell her?
PAUL
Well, I never said the words
seriously but I did tell her that I
liked her.
BOTTLE POP
Why not?
PAUL
You don't go up to someone after a
couple of months and say something
like that.
BOTTLE POP
Why not, if it be true?
PAUL
(sighs)
I...I can't tell her because there
is no reason to.
What is the point of telling
someone you love them if you can
never be together?
BOTTLE POP
Why can't you be together?
PAUL
Because I can't give her the things
I want her to have. Look at where I
am. I'm...lost. It's not fair to
her. I want her to have the things
she needs and desires and I can't
provide those...so that means she
needs to be with someone who can
give her those things and if the
guy loves her half as much as me
then it'll be alright.
BOTTLE POP
So you're just giving her up?
PAUL
I'm not giving her up I'm helping
her.
BOTTLE POP
Even if it means losing her
forever?
PAUL
If she's happy, yes.
BOTTLE POP
But you're not.
PAUL
It's not important that I am.
BUBBA
What things can't you give her?
PAUL
Things.
BUBBA
Material things?
PAUL
Well, there's more then that but
that's part of it.
(remembering)
Though to be honest I've never
heard her complain about the things
she has or the things she didn't
have...ever.
(smiles)
I've never met anyone like that.
BUBBA
So your giving her up because of
that macho egotistical stance of
"provider."
PAUL
No, I want to give her the things
she--
BUBBA
No matter how much you can give the
person you love it will never be
enough in your mind. If her
presence is enough to satisfy your
wants and needs why can't it be
enough for her as well?
PAUL
You don't know that's how she
feels.
BOTTLE POP
You said she never complained about
the things she wants. Maybe the
only thing she wants is a hand in
hers and you'll give her that: only
if the hand isn't yours.
BUBBA
You're right. She will be happier
with someone else. At least they
will try.
Paul looks down at the floor, busted.
74 INT. FIELD HOUSE - ARENA FLOOR - NIGHT 74
A sea of several thousand black shirts have already packed
the area and more are on the way in.
ANGLE ON - THE SIDE STAGE, as Shawn, Mike and the girls are
looking out at the audience. The arena lights GO OUT. The
crowd cheers.
ANGLE ON - THE STAGE, as a giant a SPOTLIGHT shines down on a
BLUE BOX that is being wheeled out to the center of the stage
by two STAGEHANDS. The Stagehands quickly run back into the
darkness. The box stands naked on the stage being closely
scrutinized by the audience. The lid of the box BURSTS open
revealing
SESAME STREET'S COOKIE MONSTER!
The crowd goes WILD. Cookie Monster motions to the crowd to
quiet down. They do so then--
COOKIE MONSTER
COOOOOOOOKIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
The crowd roars back in their best Cookie Monster
impersonation.
CROWD
COOOOOOOOKIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
DEATH METAL begins playing in the back ground. STROBE lights
turn on and off illumining the Field House. The music stops
along with the strobes. The spotlight shines upon Cookie
Monster, the crowd is hushed.
COOKIE MONSTER
COOOOOOOOKIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
The music resumes and well as the lights. The music continues
for several more bars then stops again.
COOKIE MONSTER (cont'd)
SPECIAL GUEST...
(with a smile)
ANIMAL!
ANGLE ON - THE BACK OF THE STAGE, as we see a LEVITATING
drumset with
THE MUPPETS' ANIMAL
behind the drums.
ANIMAL
PARTY!
The music resumes with Animal going ape shit on the drums
while Cookie Monster continues belting out --
COOKIE MONSTER
COOOOOOOOKIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Cookie Monster and Animal continue rocking out until Animal
decides to DESTROY his drumset bringing the performance to an
abrupt halt. The audience doesn't mind as they give a
standing ovation.
75 INT. FIELD HOUSE - BACK STAGE - CONTINUOUS 75
Wolford arrives backstage and stands next to the girls along
with Mike and Shawn.
SHAWN
(to Wolford)
Dude, you just missed a kick ass
show.
Everyone turns to see Cookie monster being wheeled trough the
curtains by his stage hands with Animal WALKING behind him.
COOKIE MONSTER
Thanks for doing the show, Animal.
ANIMAL
Want woman!
Animal spots the girls, particularity Shandi and smiles.
ANIMAL (CONT'D) (cont'd)
Ahh.
Cody takes notice.
CODY
Hey, back off our women you little
freak.
Animal stares at a shirtless Cody, pierced nipples and all
then...
ANIMAL
(pointing)
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Before Cody can respond something grabs Animal's
attentionO.S.
ANIMAL (CONT'D) (cont'd)
(running off)
Food now!
BILLY
All right don't worry about that.
Let's deal with the show.
CODY
This is going to kick so much ass!
DAKOTA
I can't believe Paul isn't here to
ruin it.
CODY
It's about time we got our freakin'
just dues!
SHANDI
I still don't agree with it.
CHERRY
Well, we don't care 'cause you're
not in the band.
(holding Cody)
Right, honey?
SHANDI
You're not in the band either,
Yoko.
CHERRY
You better watch it, bitch!
SHANDI
Skank!
CHERRY
Whore!
SHANDI
Don't make me rip the tissues out
of that bra!
CHERRY
(pointing)
Well, don't make me tear off that
weave!
SHANDI
Don't stick your finger in my face
or I'll--
CHERRY
What?! Stick it up my ass?
SHANDI
Wouldn't be the first thing stuck
up there.
THE GUYS
WOOOOAAAAAAAAAA!
Out of nowhere Billy pulls up a CAMCORDER and starts
recording.
BILLY
Oh, my God, I love this!
ANGLE ON - THE HALLWAY, as a crowd gathers around Mike.
MIKE
Welcome to catfight two-thousand
and four! Place your bids now!
BETTER ONE
I got ten on the bitch with no
tits!
BETTER TWO
Twenty for the one with the weave!
STAGEHAND (O.S.)
Wolford is on in thirty!
The girls quickly stop the fight before it even gets started
when Cherry runs over to the band hurrying them off.
MIKE
Winner by forfeit, the Weave!
The gamblers are divided in CHEERS of success and failure for
their gambles.
76 INT. FIELD HOUSE - STAGE - CONTINUOUS 76
The stage lights go OUT. The ROAR of the crowd resumes. Smoke
rolls across the stage. LASER LIGHTS caress our eyes. An
EROTIC BASSLINE fills the air. TRIBAL DRUMBEATS work the
crowd into a FRENZY. An OVERDISTORTED GUITAR welcomes STAGE
LIGHTS and PYRO as Wolford plays an entire song and KICKS ASS
doing so then bolts.
77 INT. FIELD HOUSE - BACK STAGE - CONTINUOUS 77
Wolford runs backstage to a joyous RECEPTION from the girls
with the exception of Shandi. In the b.g. we can still hear
the crowd chanting, "Wolford".
DONALD (O.S.)
Awesome! That was just plain
awesome!
The band turns to see a stereo-typical record producer,
DONALD.
DONALD (CONT'D) (cont'd)
(shaking hands)
Hi, I'm Donald.
BILLY
Donald...?
DONALD
Last names not important but what
is important is that I'm a recorder
producer.
DAKOTA
Kick ass.
CODY
Praise Gene!
DONALD
Look, I've already seen all the
other bands playing here tonight,
trust me, they suck.
CODY
You got that right.
DONALD
That's why I want you guys to sign
on to my label.
CODY
Kick ass.
DAKOTA
Praise Ace.
BILLY
What's the name?
DONALD
Something Records. We're a start up
company and we're looking for a
band to, well, let's be honest, to
build the company on.
CODY
Like Casablanca did with KISS?
DONALD
Exactly.
(handing them his card)
Look, here's my number and the
address for the company. I'm
heading back to the office and I'll
set up a meeting for you guys. You
call me tonight and I'll let you
know how everything went. Then you
can come in and we'll negotiate
your contracts.
DAKOTA
All right man, we'll give you a
call.
DONALD
Great.
(shaking hands)
Once again, pleasure meeting you
guys. You were awesome! Donald
heads off while the band watches
him walk away.
DAKOTA
Dude, we're rich!
CUT TO:
78 MONTAGE: 78
A. The band in meetings with the STUDIO HEADS.
B. The band RECORDING an album.
C. The band FILMING a video.
D. The band BUYING INDIVIDUAL HOMES, CARS and GETTING
MARRIED. Billy marries Gretchen, Dakota marries Rachel and
Cody marries Cherry.
E. Newspaper Headlines stating: "HOMETOWN BOYS MAKE IT BIG",
etc.
CUT TO:
79 EXT. LOUISIANA SUPERDOME - NIGHT 79
SUPER: 4 MONTHS LATER.
A full parking lot is before us. The Electric Marquee reads:
WOLFORD - 9 P.M. - SOLD OUT
80 INT. LOUISIANA SUPERDOME - WOLFORD DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT80
Women, women and more women fill out the room, in more ways
then one. Not only that, the room is drunk with food, large
stereo's, enough catering for the entire Third I.D. and in
the middle of it all is Wolford. Not even one show in and the
band has already begun their lesson in decadence.
BILLY
Dude, this is awesome!
CODY
I know! Hey, Dakota!
Dakota looks over from his spot on the couch where he is
being fed grapes by some LONG HAIRED BRUNETS with hair down
to their asses.
DAKOTA
Yeah?!
CODY
How's it going over there?
DAKOTA
Fucking great!
(to the brunets)
Feed me.
There's a knock on the door.
CODY
I'll get it.
Cody strolls over and opens the door.
PAUL (O.S.)
JUDAS!
The music stops as everyone turns to the door as -BOOM!- Cody
is tackled to the floor. Paul hops up to one knee and gets
ready to belt Cody when he spots something we missed.
ANGLE ON - SHANDI, sitting on DEREK'S lap with their arms
draped around one another, it's obvious they're a couple now.
Shandi looks down at Paul with a slight smile.
SHANDI
I'm sorry.
Broken, Paul drops his fist and shakes his head. He stands up
and walks over to a table. Placing his hands on the table he
lowers his head as a hand pats him on the back.
DEREK
There, there, Jewboy. It'll be all
right. Look on the bright side, I'm
almost done with her. Once she's
all used up you can have her back.
Hell with this good guy shit! Paul turns around and KNOCKS
DEREK OUT COLD!
Cody jumps up amazed.
CODY
Dude! That was awesome.
POW! Paul SLUGS Cody then tackles him to the floor again.
PAUL
You're new album sucks and it's got
my name on it!
Billy jumps on Paul's back then -WHAM!- a chair is BLASTED
over Billy's back by Bottle Pop!
BOTTLE POP
Beeeeyitch! The big "P" and little
"B" are back in the big E-Z.
Dakota looks over and sees Paul and Cody rolling towards him.
Dakota simply reaches down and picks up his ACE FREHLEY
SIGNATURE GUITAR and holds it up while Paul and Cody roll
past him.
DAKOTA
(to the brunets)
Feed me.
The brunettes comply as Dakota sets the guitar back down.
ANGLE ON - CODY, as he SLUGS Paul with a right hand knocking
him off. Cody stands up and picks Paul up by the hair then
puts him in a SIDE HEADLOCK.
CODY
You are a fool to return, young
Jedi!
PAUL
We'll see about that you Sith
bastard!
Paul, a la pro-wrestling, gives cody three ELBOWS to the
stomach breaking the hold. Paul grabs Cody's head and runs
him face first into the CHEST of a BUXOM BLONDE - BOING!
Cody's head BOUNCES back. Paul RAMS his head against them
again - BOING! Again - BOING! Again - BOING!
Paul pauses for a beat and realizes it's not working. Cody
sees the window of opportunity and opens it up by ELBOWING
Paul in the gut. Cody grabs Paul by the head and RAMS him
face first into the chest of the BUXOM BRUNETTE next to her -
BONK! Paul doesn't bounce off and COLLAPSES to the floor in
pain. The Blonde turns to see the Brunette fixing her bra.
BUXOM BRUNETTE
(motions towards the
Blonde's breasts)
Silicon, huh?
ANGLE ON - BILLY, as his battle with Bottle Pop ensues. Billy
and Bottle Pop have both picked up drumsticks and are
threatening to use them.
BILLY
Who the hell are you?
BOTTLE POP
I be Bottle Pop, a'ight?
BILLY
Bottle Pop? Dude, you're not even
in the band.
BOTTLE POP
I know that, fool. What, you think
just 'cause you rich you be smarter
then me?
BILLY
Yeah.
BOTTLE POP
A'ight, bitch, you's about to get
this west siiide style!
BILLY
Oh, shit you west side? The tension
drops.
BOTTLE POP
Yeah, man.
BILLY
Hey, that's cool.
BOTTLE POP
Ah, hey, you west side, too?
BILLY
No. I'm East Side, motherfucker!
I'm going to kick your ass!
BOTTLE POP
Ahh, it's on now!
Billy and Bottle Pop engage in a DRUMSTICK/SWORD FIGHT with
neither man getting the better of the two.
ANGLE ON - CODY, as he is KICKING the dog shit out of Paul on
the floor. Paul grabs Cody's leg and TRIPS him up. Paul hops
to his feet grabs Cody's right leg--
PAUL
Now we go to school!
Then locks Cody in the FIGURE-FOUR. Cody screams in pain.
ANGLE ON - BILLY, as the sword fight's pace has quickened.
Amazingly their fight has actually gotten good! Billy takes a
wild swing and CONNECTS with Bottle Pop's stick.
The stick flies out of Bottle Pop's hand and sails through
the air until it NAILS Dakota's guitar knocking it off
balance. The guitar CRASHES to the floor.
The room is HUSHED. Dakota's girls slowly back up. Paul
unlocks Cody as they stare on. The RINGING of the guitar
softly comes to an end. Dakota calmly swings his legs over
the couch and puts his feet on the floor, closes his eyes and
sighs. Dakota stands and opens his eyes.
DAKOTA
ACE KILL! FUCK YOU!
Oh, shit. Dakota ATTACKS the room like a bull in a china
shop. Everyone runs for their lives as Dakota DESTROYS
everything in his path. The dressing room door opens with a
mass exodus. Finally we see who opened the door, it's Donald.
DONALD
Guys, what's going on?
DAKOTA
YOU FUCK! KILL ACE!
DONALD
Kill Ace?!
DAKOTA
NO! ACE KILL!
(charging)
FUCK YOU!
Dakota is five feet from spearing Donald. Think fast, Donald!
Donald pulls out a HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL from his wallet.
PAUL
No! Benjamin!
Paul dives in front of Donald and STEALS THE HUNDRED OUT OF
HIS HAND, leaving Donald to get SPEARED into the hall way!
Billy and Cody peek out the dressing room and see Dakota
standing over Donald.
BILLY
Sorry, dude. What did you want?
DONALD
(weakly)
It's time...for you to go on.
BILLY
Okay.
Bill turns back to Paul whose holding the hundred in his arms
like a lost lover.
BILLY (CONT'D) (cont'd)
You playing, dude?
PAUL
Uh... yeah.
Cody walks over and helps Paul up. They share a look...the
band's back together. Paul leaves the room. Cody looks down
at Shandi as she attends Derek. She looks up at Cody. Cody
shrugs with a smile...
CODY
Rock 'n' roll.
Then leaves the room.
CUT TO:
81 EXT. LOUISIANA SUPERDOME - NIGHT 81
We PULL back from the Superdome as we listen to the MUFFLED
sounds of the beginning of the concert.
WOLFORD ANNOUNCER
All right, New Orleans!
(crowd cheers)
You've listen! You've waited!
You've paid! And after they play
all the hot girls will get laid!
WOLFORD!
The crowd goes WILD.
PAUL (O.S.)
What the hell kind of stupid intro
is that?!
BILLY (O.S.)
Shut up, it kicks ass!
PAUL (O.S.)
No, it doesn't! It freakin' sucks!
BILLY (O.S.)
No, you're girlfriend sucks. What
do you think she's been doing with
Derek while you were in jail?!
PAUL (O.S.)
Err!
Sounds of a struggle is heard. A microphone falls. Drums are
turned over. The crowd is getting louder by the second.
Until...
BOOM!
The crowd runs out of the dome. A full out RIOT ensues. What
else is new?
FADE OUT:
CREDITS:
82 EXT. COURT HOUSE - DAY 82
AS CREDITS roll we see a large Court House gleaming in the
Sun.
BAILIFF (O.S.)
All rise. The honourable Judge
Simmons now presiding.
JUDGE SIMMONS (O.S.)
You may be seated.
83 INT. COURT HOUSE - COURTROOM - DAY 83
ANGLE ON - JUDGE SIMMONS, shaking his head.
ANGLE ON - BILLY, looking at Judge Simmons with hope.
JUDGE SIMMONS (O.S.)
Guilty.
BILLY
Crap!
CUT TO:
84 INT. COURT HOUSE - COURTROOM - DAY 84
ANGLE ON - DAKOTA, looking up at the Judge. JOHNNY COCHRAN
leans into frame and smiles.
JUDGE SIMMONS
Not guilty.
CUT TO:
85 INT. COURT HOUSE - COURTROOM - DAY 85
ANGLE ON - CODY, looking up at Judge Simmons with hope.
JOHNNY COCHRAN leans into frame and smiles.
JUDGE SIMMONS
Not guilty.
CUT TO:
86 INT. COURT HOUSE - COURTROOM - DAY 86
ANGLE ON - PAUL, looking at Judge Simmons with hope.
JUDGE SIMMONS (O.S.)
Guilty.
PAUL
Crap!
CUT TO:
87 EXT. STATE PRISON - DAY 87
A large imposing prison towers over a transportation bus.
Billy is led out of the bus in a chain gang. One of the BUS
GUARDS whispers into Billy's ear as he walks passed him.
BUS GUARD
(whispers)
Don't drop the soap.
Billy turns to the guard.
BUS GUARD (cont'd)
Seriously.
CUT TO:
88 INT. STATE PRISON - SHOWER ROOM - DAY 88
Dressed in his bath robe Billy enters with a bar of soap
placed on top of the towels he's carrying. Billy frowns.
ANGLE ON - INMATES, turning to Billy. Smiles all round (which
is all we see from them.)
BILLY
(under his breath)
Oh, boy. I never should have made
fun of "Cop Rock."
CUT TO:
89 EXT. BLACK DIAMOND PRISON - DAY 89
Another large imposing prison towers above a transportation
bus. The only convict to step out is Paul. Guards surround
him.
CUT TO:
90 INT. BLACK DIAMOND PRISON - SHOWER ROOM - DAY 90
Dressed in his bath robe Paul enters the room with a bar of
soap on top of the towels he's carrying. Paul has his eyes
shut then takes a peak. His eyes widen.
ANGLE ON - INMATES, turning to Paul. ALL BEAUTIFUL WOMEN with
smiles all around (once again, that is all we can see.)
Paul looks down at the bar of soap on his towel. He takes the
bar and tosses it to the side.
PAUL
Oops. Dropped the soap.
The girls charge after it like it was a wedding bouquet. Paul
smiles: Victory. He looks up to the sky.
PAUL (cont'd)
Thanks. I won't mess this one up.
Paul runs then FLIPS into the air falling out of FRAME -
CRACK!
PAUL (O.S.) (cont'd)
AHH! I BROKE MY LEG! I BROKE MY
LEG! WHY, GOD?! WHY?!
GOD (V.O.)
Because you're an idiot!
FADE OUT.
THE END