"Jewboy"
by
Paul M. Wolford
FADE IN:
1 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - DAY 1
A huge gym apart from the high school stands before us.
Homecoming banners decorate the front.
SUPER: THURSDAY
2 INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - FLOOR - DAY 2
Loud, large and bleeding "school spirit week". The bleachers
are split up to where STUDENTS are forced to sit with their
own grades and completely separated from the others.
Seventh, Eighth and Ninth Grades get the broken down UPPER
BLEACHERS while the Tenth, Eleventh and Twelfth have the good
seats on the FLOOR BLEACHERS. Like always the senior's have
the good seats in the MIDDLE.
The students are going nuts for the CHEERLEADERS, each
cheering in front of their respective grades.
On the floor a group of TEACHERS are seated on folding
chairs, in front of them are three microphones each plugged
up to large speakers on the stage.
MRS. MAXWELL looks up from a clipboard then steps up to a
microphone.
MRS. MAXWELL
Hello students!
Students cheer.
MRS. MAXWELL (cont'd)
You know there is only one way in
which this "Homecoming" Pep Rally
can be started off correctly. And
that is to have a word from our
Principal!
A weak "GOLF CLAP" goes out as a dorky looking man with a T
shirt that reads "I LOVE BEING A PRINCIPAL" with a heart in
place of "love" walks up to the microphone.
PRINCIPAL
Thank you for that warm reception
students and thank you for the
introduction, Mrs. Maxwell. Tonight
our unbeaten football team, "the
Mason Falcons", will be playing
here tonight --
The students cheer.
PRINCIPAL (cont'd)
-- But they can't just go out there
alone and unprepared. So before we
meet the team lets meet the Head
Coach, Mr. VanMarter!
The students CHEER wildly for MR. VANMARTER. The overweight
man in his sixties dressed like a typical High School
football coach walks up to the microphone.
MR. VANMARTER
Thank you. Football is not just a
game --
3 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - BACK DOOR - THAT MOMENT 3
The back door stands five feet off the ground with a long
concrete "porch" in front of it with rails, but no stairs
leading up to it.
A VAN pulls around the side of the Gymnasium and heads
towards the back door stopping a few feet shy of it.
4 INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - FLOOR - THAT MOMENT 4
Mr. VanMarter continues his speech.
MR. VANMARTER
-- And on that day I knew I would
have a winning team that year, I
knew that my coaching had been
worth something and you know what
happen one day prior to that
championship game? That dumbass
quarterback failed his final exam
and had to sit the game out and we
lost forty nine to zero!
The students sit in silence.
5 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - BACK DOOR - THAT MOMENT 5
The door to the van opens up. Three long black cases are
pulled out, then a ladder.
6 INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - FLOOR - THAT MOMENT 6
Mr. VanMarter continues.
MR. VANMARTER
That was twenty seven years ago and
I haven't had winning season since
then! But no not this time. Not
this year. This year I haven't lost
one game and we're not going to
lose this one either! So lets hear
it for our Falcons!
The students stand up and CHEER. A low SOUND is heard. Louder
and louder by the second. The noise is now recognizable...
The HIGH SCHOOL BAND has begun marching into the gym from one
of the two hallway entrances that lead to the gym.
The band walks onto the gym's floor then hooks a left and
starts marching along side the walls of the gym. Several of
the drummers walk up the steps that lead up to the stage
while the rest of the band fills out the walls until they are
lined up along three sides.
7 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - BACK DOOR - THAT MOMENT 7
The ladder is put up next to the "porch".
8 INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - FLOOR - THAT MOMENT 8
The band FINISHES their song. The students continue to cheer.
MR. VANMARTER
Come on down here team!
The FOOTBALL TEAM gets up from their seats in the bleachers
and heads towards the right side of the gym.
9 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - BACK DOOR - THAT MOMENT 9
The door cracks open.
BILLY (O.S.)
Are they ready?
PAUL (O.S.)
In a second. The football players
in the second level haven't made it
down yet.
10 INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - FLOOR - THAT MOMENT 10
All the football players finally scramble onto the floor. The
Band on the right side wall parts in the middle and the team
takes their position.
MR. VANMARTER
And now ladies and gentlemen here
they are --
PAUL (O.S.)
Now!
PAUL, BILLY, CODY and DAKOTA rush out onto the stage wearing
KISS makeup. Paul in PAUL STANLEY'S. Billy in ERIC CARR'S.
CODY in GENE SIMMONS -- also sporting a pair of DEMON BOOTS
which he wears the ENTIRE movie -- and Dakota in ACE
FREHLEY'S makeup. All carrying their respective equipment
except for Billy.
Billy runs over to the drummers and shoves several over. Now
he has his.
Paul, Cody and Dakota all run to the speakers that are on the
stage and unplug the microphones from the speakers and plug
in their guitar processors and their wireless units up to the
extension cords used to plug in the speakers. Then they plug
their cables into the speakers.
The few ROCKERS that are in the crowd stand up and cheer
while the rest just look on not having a clue what is going
on.
PRINCIPAL
What is going on?!
PAUL
I got a question for all you!
The Gym is silent.
PAUL (cont'd)
Do you love me?!
Billy quickly starts playing KISS' "DO YOU LOVE ME?" on the
makeshift drumset that he has created. The Rockers start well
-- rocking out and singing along.
PAUL (cont'd)
(singing)
You really like...
my limousine!
You like the way...
the wheels roll!
You like my seven inch...
leather heels!
And going to...
all of the shows...
BUT!
PAUL, BILLY, AND DAKOTA
(all their instruments coming in)
Do you love me?!
The Principal and the teachers rush onto the stage. Just
before the Principle grabs Cody's arm Cody begins to "PUKE"
fake blood everywhere like Gene Simmons.
CODY
Blahhhhhh!
The girls and teachers look on disgusted while the Rockers
love every second of it.
Cody poses on stage like a god.
ROCKERS
(chanting)
Gene, Gene, Gene, Gene!
Our heros get dragged off the stage.
CUT TO:
11 INT. HIGH SCHOOL - PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER 11
Paul, Cody, Dakota and Billy are standing in front of the
Principal's desk still in makeup.
PRINCIPAL
Paul, what in the world was going
through your mind out there?!
PAUL
The lyrics to the first verse.
PRINCIPAL
Very funny.
(to Bill)
Bill, you don't even go to school
here, you graduated three years
ago.
BILLY
Yeah, so what's your point?
All of a sudden Dakota starts laughing for no apparent
reason.
PRINCIPAL
What's so funny, Dakota?!
DAKOTA
(laughing)
I just thought of a goat.
Cody, Billy and Paul bust out laughing.
PRINCIPAL
Don't you people care about
anything?!
ALL FOUR
No.
PRINCIPAL
Why not?
CODY
(singing)
'Cause, we're not gonna' take it!
PAUL
(singing)
No, we ain't gonna take it!
CODY
(singing)
We're not gonna take it --
PAUL, BILLY, CODY AND DAKOTA
(singing)
Anymore!
PRINCIPAL
Quit singing!
(regains composer)
Cody, what makes you think you have
the right to act this way?
CODY
Because I... am... Gene Simmons!
(sticks tongue out)
Blahhhhhh!
PAUL
And I'm Paul Stanley. Now bring me
some good looking girls. And while
you're at it tell your daughter to
meet me in the "Ladies Room".
PRINCIPAL
What?!
PAUL
'Cause I'm gonna get her with my
"Love Gun".
PRINCIPAL
What?!
CODY
"Christine Sixteen"!
(sticks tongue out)
Blahhhhhh!
PRINCIPAL
You three are --
CODY
(singing)
"Unholy"!
PRINCIPAL
Suspended!
CUT TO:
12 INT. SHAWN AND MIKE'S QUICK FIX - EVENING 12
SHAWN and MIKE stand behind a counter.
SHAWN
So you got suspended again?
Paul, Cody, Billy and Dakota stand in front of the counter
"unmasked."
CODY
Yep.
SHAWN
That's the fifth time this month.
MIKE
Shiittt that's cool dawg. Hell, I
loved getting suspended.
SHAWN
You didn't get suspended that much,
Mike.
MIKE
Whatever. Bill, aren't you suppose
to be showing my movie today?
BILLY
Crap!
CUT TO:
13 INT. BILLY'S HOUSE - GARAGE - EVENING 13
Billy sits in front of a BLUE SCREEN with the phrase "BILLY'S
PORN HOUR" written behind him spelt out with drumsticks in
the upper right hand corner.
BILLY
Hi and welcome to Billy's Porn
Hour. Before we get started I'd
like to thank public access for
allowing me the air time and our
sponsor's Helium Condoms for
supporting our show.
(plugging)
Helium Condoms: "If you can't get
it up, we'll lift you up". Helium
Condoms.
(beat)
Tonight our feature presentation
stars one of my best friends in the
world, and also co-owner of Shawn
and Mike's Quick Fix. Tonight Mike
stars in that great western, "I
hope I don't shoot to early."
Enjoy.
PAUL (O.S.)
And we're clear.
Paul turns off the camera that's shooting Billy.
BILLY
Well, now what do you want to do?
PAUL
I don't know. Hey... where is Cody
and Dakota at?
CODY (O.S.)
Oh!
DAKOTA (O.S.)
Oh!
14 INT. BILLY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - EVENING 14
Billy and Paul run into the kitchen. Dakota and Cody double
over a kitchen table that is covered in taco wrappers.
DAKOTA
Oh! Great Ace in the sky it hurts!
BILLY
What happened?
CODY
We cashed in all those Dr. Pepper
cans and bought tacos with the
money.
Cody and Dakota continue to groan in agony.
PAUL
Dude, you know what will make you
feel better?
CODY
What?
PAUL
Well, Cody you sit here in pain or
you can go with me to the comic
shop.
Cody hops up from his chair.
CODY
Let's go.
DAKOTA
What about me?
PAUL
Are you going with us?
DAKOTA
No.
PAUL
Then sit here and suffer.
Paul and Cody leave. Dakota looks over at Billy. Billy shrugs
and heads back to the garage. Dakota sits alone in the room
then grabs his stomach again.
DAKOTA
Oh!
CUT TO:
15 INT. PURPLE EARTH COMICS - DAY 15
The comic shop that has EVERYTHING but no room to store it.
Paul and Cody work their way through the comic shop trying
not to knock over stacks upon stacks of comics, action
figures, models, etc. onto the ground.
Buried behind a large counter smothered in comics, DVD's,
trading cards, etc. is our Comic Guy, JOHN.
JOHN
Hey, Cody. New Batgirl issue is
out.
CODY
Yes!
Cody runs over to the NEW COMICS section.
JOHN
Mr. Stanley.
PAUL
Yo!
JOHN
Special Harley Quinn is out too.
PAUL
Sweet!
Paul heads over to where Cody is. They quickly find the
comics and dive into them.
JOHN
You know. You guys really ought to
find real women instead of comic
characters.
PAUL
Hey, there's a chance that we could
be sucked into a inter-dimensional
portal and awaken in a comic book
universe consisting of these very
characters.
JOHN
Uh-huh.
PAUL
Or quite possibly a TV universe
with either live action or cartoon
characters. Now, if I go to the
cartoon dimension, dude, I'm
fucking the shit out of Babs Bunny.
CODY
Babs Bunny is hot!
PAUL
She is, dude. She's also the most
talented one on the show.
CODY
I know man, she's funny as hell.
JOHN
You guys need help.
CODY
Look, in all honesty we hang out in
a comic shop. What chicks want us?
JOHN
Chicks that hang out in comic
shops.
CODY
I don't see any in here. I've never
seen any in here.
JOHN
Yeah, I haven't seen any either.
PAUL
And I honestly would do Babs Bunny.
Though, I wouldn't let her mouth
near my Love Gun. Love hurts but I
don't want her dazing off into a
fantasy about carrots and --
DING! A new customer. We'll call him, VISION.
JOHN
Hey.
VISION
Hello. Do you have any books on
clairvoyance?
JOHN
Um... no.
CODY
You mean that seeing in the future
stuff. Like on the "Dead Zone?" Can
you do that stuff?
VISION
A little.
CODY
Can you do it like Christopher
Walken and just touch people and go
off?
VISION
Sometimes.
CODY
Do us!
Paul and Cody walk over to Vision and hold out their arms.
Vision looks at John. John shrugs and starts stacking comics.
Vision grabs Paul and Cody's arms.
VISION:
16 EXT. OUTDOOR STAGE - DAY 16
SUPER: THE FUTURE. WASHINGTON, D.C.
Behind a podium stands Cody dressed in a tuxedo. A round of
APPLAUSE is dying down. Dakota, Billy, Mike, Shawn and John
are all dressed in tuxedos sitting on the stage.
CODY
Thank you Secretary of State
Dakota, Secretary of Defense Billy,
Secretary of Home Land Security
Mike, Attorney General Shawn and
Secretary of Education John.
(beat)
Ladies and Gentlemen it is a
pleasure and honor to be your Vice
President. And it is also a
pleasure and honor to work with
this man, ladies and Gentlemen the
President of the United States!
A ROAR of Applause as HAIL TO THE CHIEF plays -- by KISS in
PERSON! CONFETTI and PYRO fill the sky as the PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES PAUL enters from the side of the stage
dressed in a tux with a matching KISS TIE. Paul waves to the
crowd while walking up to Cody. Paul shakes hands with Cody
at the podium.
Cody goes and sides down next to Dakota, Billy, Mike, Shawn
and John.
The music stops. Paul looks out to the crowd. Paul throws his
arms in the air like Nixon but with the SIGN OF THE DEVIL.
PAUL
Fuck Usama bin Laden!
The crowd roars in approval. KISS plays Hail to the Chief
again as Paul leaves.
BACK TO:
17 INT. THE COMIC SHOP - DAY 17
Vision lets go of Paul and Cody's arms.
CODY
Dude, what'd you see?
VISION
Nothing.
CODY
You sure?
VISION
Yeah.
JOHN
You want me to see if I can order a
book for you on clairvoyance?
VISION
No, that's okay, I won't be here
I... I think I'm moving to Canada.
Vision turns around and leaves the store.
JOHN
What was that all about?
CODY
I have no idea.
PAUL
Maybe he saw me and Babs Bunny?
18 EXT. PURPLE EARTH COMICS - DAY 18
DING! Paul and Cody exit the shop. Paul isn't paying any
attention when he is walking out and steps right in front of
a YOUNG COUPLE. Paul swerves to the right, they swerve to the
right. Paul goes left, they go left. Paul jumps right
breaking free of them a runs face to face with --
A DEAD RACCOON SITTING BETWEEN A DOUBLE-HEADED METER WITH A
DERANGED LOOK ON IT'S FACE,
Paul screams like a GIRL.
PAUL
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The people jump and look back at Paul. Cody laughs as he
walks BACKWARDS watching the people not paying any attention
to where he is going.
CODY
Dude, that was awesome you scared --
Cody turns around and comes FACE TO FACE with --
THE DEAD RACCOON SITTING BETWEEN A DOUBLE-HEADED METER WITH A
DERANGED LOOK ON IT'S FACE,
Cody screams a MANLY SCREAM!
CODY (cont'd)
UGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Paul and Cody grasp their chests. They're in utter shock.
PAUL
What the hell was that?!
CODY
Dude, I thought you were just
trying to scare those people.
PAUL
No, they're -- the Devil's raccoon
tried to kill me!
CUT TO:
19 EXT. BILLY'S HOUSE - MORNING 19
A beautiful morning sun is rising behind Billy's house.
SUPER: FRIDAY
20 INT. BILLY'S HOUSE - CODY'S BEDROOM - MORNING 20
Cody is sound asleep on the bed. He quickly opens his eyes in
shock.
CODY
(whispers)
Tacos.
Cody jumps out of the bed and runs as fast as he can to the --
21 INT. BILLY'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS 21
Cody hangs a hard right down the hallway and runs into the
bathroom and closes the door.
22 INT. BILLY'S HOUSE - BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS 22
Cody sits on the john trembling. A bead of sweat rolls down
his forehead. He opens his mouth.
23 EXT. BILLY'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS 23
ANGLE ON - THE BATHROOM DOOR, as a loud SCREAM roars through.
CODY (O.S.)
Ahh!
Squirts and echoing splashes are heard.
CODY (O.S.) (cont'd)
Ahh! My ass, I just blew a giant
taco out of my ass!
CUT TO:
24 INT. BILLY'S HOUSE - DAKOTA'S BEDROOM - THAT MOMENT 24
Dakota lies on his bed sound asleep then quickly opens his
eyes.
DAKOTA
(whispers)
Tacos.
Dakota jumps out of the bed and runs as fast as he can to the
--
25 INT. BILLY'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS 25
Dakota hangs a hard left down the hallway and runs to the
bathroom but the door is locked.
INTERCUT AS NEEDED:
DAKOTA
Open the door!
CODY
NO!
DAKOTA
Open it! I got to shit!
CODY
What do you think I'm doing?!
DAKOTA
I got to go!
CODY
Yeah, well Taco Bell is in the mist
of being processed into a -- ahhh!
Dakota jumps back from the door as he hears more disgusting
sounds happening inside the toilet.
DAKOTA
Damn it, I'm going to crap in your
demon boots, Gene!
CODY (O.S.)
You do and I'll suck your dick!
DAKOTA
(a beat)
What?!
CODY (O.S.)
(beat)
I mean, shit, that's not what I
meant!
Dakota turns and runs down the hallway.
26 EXT. BILLY'S HOUSE - MORNING 26
Dakota bolts out the front door grunting and grabbing his
rear.
DAKOTA
Oh, man.
Dakota runs down the side walk and looks over and sees a
SEWER DRAIN.
27 INT. BILLY'S CAR - MOMENTS LATER 27
Billy is driving his Z with Paul riding shotgun. The boys are
doing an awesome sing along to KISS' "SPIT".
They turn a corner and head down the street.
BILLY
What the --
28 EXT. BILLY'S HOUSE - STREET - THAT MOMENT 28
Dakota is sitting on the street with his butt sticking inside
a sewer drain taking a crap.
Billy pulls up to him and rolls down the window.
BILLY
What are you doing?
DAKOTA
Man, I had to take a poop and freak
boy wouldn't let me in the
bathroom.
Dakota rips an echoing fart into the sewer and starts
laughing.
PAUL
Dude, that's freaking sick.
Cody slowly walks out of the house hunched over and holding
his stomach. He stops for a beat then starts heading over to
the guys.
CODY
Dude, my ass is sweating and my
boxers are clinging to it.
DAKOTA
Swamp ass! I hate when that
happens!
CODY
Oh gosh, what are you doing,
Dakota?
DAKOTA
(grunting)
I'm... taking... a....
PAUL
Roll up the window, Bill!
Billy quickly starts rolling the window up but it stops
halfway.
BILLY
It's stuck!
PAUL
Then drive damn you! Drive!
Disgusting sounds start coming out from Dakota's rear.
DAKOTA
Err!
Billy peels out.
Cody tries to run but stops and grabs his rear in pain.
CODY
Ahh, freaking tacos burnin' my--
(getting a whiff of
Dakota)
Oh, stink dude!
DAKOTA
Here comes the second load! Err!
CODY
No!
Dakota rips out the mother load.
DAKOTA
(Sylvester Stallone's
voice)
Adrian!
CUT TO:
29 INT. SHAWN AND MIKE'S QUICK FIX - MORNING 29
SUPER: SATURDAY
Shawn and Mike are standing behind the counter. Mike looks up
at a busted light while Shawn chows down on a "CRUNCH" bar.
MIKE
The light is out.
SHAWN
Mmmm... yeah.
MIKE
Needs fixed.
SHAWN
Mmmm... yeah.
Mike looks over to Shawn. Shawn returns the look.
MIKE
Well, get up there an fix it.
SHAWN
You fix it.
MIKE
I ain't fixin' it.
SHAWN
Why should I do it? I do everything
around here, you're just lazy.
MIKE
Hell yeah.
SHAWN
Man.
Shawn heads to the back room while Mike smiles.
MIKE
(under his breath)
Hell yeah dawg, work sucks.
DING! The bell over the front door rings as Billy, Dakota,
Paul and Cody come marching in.
MIKE (cont'd)
What's up guy's?
BILLY
Not much. We're just messing around
till band practice.
PAUL
Where's Shawn?
MIKE
He's in the back.
MIKE (cont'd)
What time is band practice?
CODY
About noon. We still don't have a
name yet.
MIKE
You guys have been together for
over a year and you still don't
have a name?
DAKOTA
The gravity on Earth isn't quite
the same as it is on my planet, but
I'm slowly getting use to it.
MIKE
What?
30 EXT. BILLY'S HOUSE - DAY 30
The MUFFLED sounds of guitars being tuned from inside a
basement fills the air. Something else fills the air as well.
A WOMAN walks down the sidewalk in front of Billy's house and
walks by the SEWER DRAIN. Something smells. She takes a
whiff. Oh man, it's awful. The woman GAGS and runs back in
the direction she came.
31 INT. BILLY'S HOUSE - BASEMENT - DAY 31
Billy, Paul and Cody are TUNING up for band practice. As
Billy leans down and starts working with his double pedal the
door opens to the basement. Dakota heads down the steps
munching on some "CHEEZ-ITS" and then goes straight towards
his section of the room.
Dakota straps on his guitar. Turns on the amp. Then -- ZAP!
DAKOTA
AHHHHHHHHHHH!
Dakota goes FLYING as he gets the hell shocked out him. Paul
and Cody bust out laughing.
Billy looks up from behind the drumset.
BILLY
Oh yeah, dude, I forgot to tell
you. The basement was leaking on
your side again.
CODY
I guess this means we're not
covering "Shock Me" today.
PAUL
Dakota?
Dakota doesn't move.
BILLY
Dude, we can't practice until he
gets up.
CODY
Does this mean we're not having
practice today?
PAUL
I guess.
CODY
I'm going to take a crap.
Cody sits his bass down and turns off his amp, reaches behind
it and grabs a "BATGIRL" comic and quickly hides it under his
shirt, then heads off to do his "business".
PAUL
Did we check the mail yesterday?
BILLY
I don't think so. Let's go check
it.
Paul and Bill follow Cody upstairs leaving poor Dakota on the
floor.
32 EXT. BILLY'S HOUSE - DAY 32
Paul and Bill head out the front in GAS MASKS and take out
the mail then head back inside the house.
33 INT. BILLY'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY 33
Paul flips through the mail. Junkmail, junkmail, garbage --
wait a FLYER.
PAUL
Rapture!
BILLY
What?!
PAUL
Battle of the bands!
BILLY
When?!
PAUL
Tonight!
BILLY
Ahh! Tonight?!
PAUL
They want two covers songs and
seven originals.
BILLY
We got that.
Paul hands the flyer to Billy.
PAUL
You call the number, I'll rally the
band.
CUT TO:
34 EXT. COMMUNITY CENTER - NIGHT 34
TEENS and TWENTY-SOMETHING'S are heading into the building
and are ready to party.
35 INT. COMMUNITY CENTER - BACKSTAGE - NIGHT 35
Our hero's (with the exception of Paul) are standing around
in the back with at least TWENTY other bands ranging from
PUNK to DEATH METAL.
Billy pounds away on the wall with his drumsticks.
DAKOTA
Hey, where's Paul at?
BILLY
He's in the back prepping.
Cody spots a GOTH CHICK walking by.
CODY
Hey, baby.
GOTH CHICK
Hey.
Cody looks at Dakota.
CODY
(whispers)
She talked back.
DAKOTA
(whispers)
I know.
(beat)
Hey, dude.
CODY
(whispers)
What?
DAKOTA
(whispers)
She's still here.
Cody turns and see her still standing there expecting a
conversation.
CODY
Dude, you're still here?
GOTH CHICK
Yeah?
CODY
Aren't you suppose to run or
something?
GOTH CHICK
No.
CODY
Hey, do you have a pierced tongue?
She flicks out her tongue. Yep it's pierced and it's --
CODY (cont'd)
Dude, your tongue is as long as
Gene Simmons'!
DAKOTA
Indeed.
GOTH CHICK
Who?
CODY
That's me, bitch!
In disgust the Goth Chick throws her hands up. Cody sees the
error of his ways.
CODY (cont'd)
Oh, wait! Hey, I got pierced
nipples!
The Goth Chick stops.
GOTH CHICK
Really?
CODY
Yeah.
Dakota gets sick of the love.
DAKOTA
Billy when do we go on?
BILLY
Uh, we go on first.
DAKOTA
But we were one of the last bands
that signed up.
BILLY
Yeah, check it. Since we don't have
a name they thought we were the
most pathetic so they're letting us
go on first.
Bill looks behind Dakota and points towards the stage.
SPENCER (O.S.)
Ladies and gentlemen!
36 INT. COMMUNITY CENTER - STAGE - THAT MOMENT 36
SPENCER, a fourty something man still lost in his twenties is
up on the microphone. The packed house ROARS.
SPENCER
Are you ready for the Battle of the
Bands?!
The crowd screams that they are.
SPENCER (cont'd)
Okay. First let's go over the
rules. Each band must play two
cover songs and seven original
songs. It doesn't matter what
order. Our panel of judges will
narrow it down to the final two.
Each band will then play one killer
song for a finale. After both have
played we'll bring them both on
stage and by a round of applause
you will choose the winner!
37 INT. COMMUNITY CENTER - BACKSTAGE - THAT MOMENT 37
The Goth Chick is writing her phone number on Cody's arm with
a pen.
CODY
Where's Paul?
BILLY
He'll be here, don't worry.
38 INT. COMMUNITY CENTER - STAGE - THAT MOMENT 38
Spencer introduces Our Hero's.
SPENCER
The first band we got for you is a
local band. They've been together
for over a year now and they still
don't have a name yet so here they
are - whoever they are!
The crowd erupts!
39 INT. COMMUNITY CENTER - BACKSTAGE - THAT MOMENT 39
Billy takes Cody and Dakota by the shoulders and starts
jumping up and down.
BILLY
Rock 'n' Roll!
The band runs onto the--
40 INT. COMMUNITY CENTER - STAGE - THAT MOMENT 40
Billy plays to the crowd as he runs towards his drumset. Cody
and Dakota run to their sides of the stage and blows kisses
to the crowd. A familiar Rock Star Voice is heard.
PAUL (O.S.)
(as Axl)
Well, all right!
Paul runs onto the stage dress up like the "NEW AND IMPROVED
AXL ROSE" with the braided hair, Jerry Rice Raider's Jersey,
sunglass, etc. The crowd -- for some reason -- LOVES IT!
Dakota and Cody hate it. Billy is beaming with joy.
PAUL (cont'd)
(as Axl)
Well, all right! I'm gonna chew on
my microphone!
Paul GNAWS on the giant ORANGE Microphone cover and makes the
gnawing noise -- with Axl's voice -- to go along with it.
Something is wrong with this crowd by what has to be an act
of God they are STILL ENJOYING it.
Paul runs up the edge of the stage and stands on a amp.
PAUL (cont'd)
(as Axl)
Do you know where the fuck you
are?!
The crowd roars! They know what song is next. So does Cody
and Dakota they finally smile.
PAUL (cont'd)
(as Axl)
You're in the Paradise City baby!
Cody and Dakota turn to Paul: Hey that's not how it goes.
PAUL (cont'd)
(sings as Axl)
Where the grass is green,
and the girls are pretty!
Oh, won't you please
Take me home,
Yeah, yeah!
Billy ROCKS OUT on Guns N' Roses' "YOU COULD BE MINE". Paul
turns Billy.
PAUL (cont'd)
(as Axl)
Wrong song! Wrong song!
Billy doesn't care and KEEPS the beat. Dakota and Cody look
at each other and decided the hell with it and PLAY the song.
Paul plays to the crowd then turns back and sees Billy with a
STUPID LOOK on his face. It looks like Billy has a --
BILLY
Cramp!
Paul throws his hand up to his ear.
PAUL
(as Axl)
What?
BILLY
Neck cramp!
PAUL
(as Axl)
What?
BILLY
Neck cramp!
PAUL
(as Axl)
Neck cramp? Rock 'n' Roll!
Paul turns back to the crowd to sing. Billy can't take the
pain and the drumsticks go FLYING --
PAUL (cont'd)
(sings as Axl)
Well, I'm a cold--
BANG! The drumstick nails Paul in the back of the head
sending him HEAD FIRST into the crowd.
Oh, dear God another GUNS N' ROSES RIOT BREAKS OUT!
DISSOLVE TO:
41 EXT. PLAYTHINGS "B" WE - DAY 41
An obvious TOYS "R" US rip-off is before us. Even down to the
backward "R" or in our case "B".
SUPER: SUNDAY
42 INT. PLAYTHINGS "B" WE - DAY 42
Paul walks around in a blue vest bored out of his mind.
Finally Paul comes to the action figures and grabs PAUL
STANLEY and GENE SIMMONS ACTION FIGURES and starts playing
with them on one of the store shelves.
Paul takes Gene and walks around with him.
PAUL
(as Gene)
Err... I'm Gene Simmons. I'm the
God of Thunder and I know
everything 'cause I'm rich!
Paul takes the Starchild and drops him behind Gene.
PAUL (cont'd)
(as Paul)
No, you're not. I'm the God of
Thunder, I wrote that song. That
bastard Bob Ezrin talked me into
letting you sing that song and
you've been taking credit ever
since. Besides you're just plain
evil, Gene. Evil and ugly!
(as Gene)
Oh, and what are you, Starchild?
(as Paul)
I'm the most beautiful Jew in the
world!
(as Gene)
Not when I get done with you.
Blahhhhhh!
(as Paul)
That's disgustin', Gene!
(as Gene)
It got me through the seventy's.
The great play is stopped by a REDNECK with a FOUR YEAR OLD.
REDNECK
Excuse me, ma'am.
Paul turns around pissed.
PAUL
I'm a dude, dude!
REDNECK
(unintelligible southern
slur)
Oh sorry. Uh... do you have that
there thing with that... I reckon
it's like yonder ways and goes with
that Confer ere tire err Richard
Petty?
Paul stares at the Redneck for a LONG beat then -WHACK!-
nails him in the head with a KISS figure.
43 INT. TELEMARKETING ROOM - DAY 43
Cody sits behind a table with a smoking cigarette in the
ashtray in front of him. Also in front of him is a giant list
of phone numbers next to the telephone.
Cody punches in the numbers on the telephone and awaits and
answer.
CALLER 1
Hello?
CODY
Hello sir, I'm from --
CLICK!
CODY (cont'd)
(under his breath)
Genedamn you.
CUT TO:
44 INT. TELEMARKETING ROOM - LATER 44
Cody is halfway down the list with a full ashtray.
CODY
Hello sir, I'm from --
CLICK!
CUT TO:
45 INT. TELEMARKETING ROOM - LATER 45
Cody is 3/4 of the way through the list and looking like his
is about to lose his cool.
CODY
Hello sir, I'm from -- don't you
hang up on my you SON OF A BITCH!
46 EXT. BILLY'S HOUSE - EVENING 46
Paul and Cody meet each other in front of the house.
PAUL
Man, I got fired.
CODY
Me too. I hate my life. Now what
are we going to do now?
PAUL
Make stupid little home movies and
act like we don't suck.
Billy runs out of the house to Paul and Cody.
BILLY
Hey dudes! What's going on?!
CODY
We got fired.
BILLY
All ready? Man that sucks.
A ROAR is heard. Speeding down the street is a convertible
full of JOCKS and their PRISSY GIRLFRIENDS.
They slow down as they get closer to Billy's house. The
driver, DEREK, points.
DEREK
Haha! Look at the fags!
A jock in the back throws and ORANGE and -SQUISH!- a direct
hit on Billy. Bill's feet fly up into the air and he CRASHES
down the side walk.
The jocks speed away laughing. Derek points at Paul.
DEREK (cont'd)
Later, JEWBOY!
PAUL
I hate Derek. You ever notice all
guys named Derek are dickheads and
all chicks named Heather are sluts?
CODY
I've noticed that, yeah.
PAUL
(to Bill)
Anyway Bill what was it you were
going to tell us?
BILLY (O.S.)
We got a gig.
CUT TO:
47 INT. ROCK CLUB - BACKSTAGE - NIGHT 47
Our rock gods are behind the curtain doing some last minute
tuning. The STAGE MANAGER runs up to the band.
STAGE MANAGER
You guys ready?
CODY
We're going to kick some ass, YEAH!
STAGE MANAGER
Okay, I don't want you guys to be
nervous but it's a packed house
tonight, our first ever, so this is
could be a special night for all of
us. Anyway good luck guys.
The Stage Manager walks off.
BILLY
Okay. Let's not mess this one up
tonight.
48 INT. ROCK CLUB - STAGE - NIGHT 48
A packed house of at least TWO HUNDRED are getting to their
seats.
Sitting in the front row are the Jocks. Seconds later Derek,
with his GIRLFRIEND on his arm, shoves the Jocks out of their
seats and sits down with his GIRLFRIEND.
DEREK
Have a seat, baby.
Upon closer inspection Shawn and Mike are also in attendance.
Mike is seated right behind Derek. Mike is having problems
breathing so much so we can hear it in his voice.
MIKE
(stuffed up nose)
I hope they don't suck.
SHAWN
Don't worry, they will.
MIKE
(stuffed up nose)
Oh, man. My nose is stuffed up. I
can't wait till we get outside and
I can just go --
Mike demonstrates blowing a snotrocket but actually SHOOTS a
huge one all over Derek's back. Shawn and Mike break out in
hushed laughter. Immediately Derek turns around and scans
Mike with a look of suspicion.
MIKE (cont'd)
(normal voice)
Thank you.
49 INT. ROCK CLUB - BACKSTAGE - NIGHT 49
Dakota rally's the band.
DAKOTA
Hey, you know what? Screw last
night! We had one bad show but
should that stop us? It wouldn't
stop KISS would it?
CODY
Hell no, it wouldn't stop Gene!
BILLY
There's more people in KISS then
just Gene.
CODY
The hell there is, Tommy Lee!
BILLY
(grabbing his crotch)
Hey, I'll beat you to death with my
giant drumstick! You've seen the
video, I damn near killed Yoko
err... Pamela!
CODY
Fuck you, I don't need you!
BILLY
Screw you, Nikki Sixx!
CODY
No, screw you, Tommy!
(turns to Paul)
And same to you, Vince!
PAUL
Hey, I'll kick your ass, heroin
addict! Then I'll run you over with
my top fuel funny car!
The Stage Manager heads back in.
STAGE MANAGER
You're on in thirty seconds!
Magically the band stops fighting and is a pack of brothers
again.
PAUL
Rock 'n' Roll!
BILLY
This is going to rule, dude!
CODY
I'm going to get laid!
BILLY
I'm gonna tape it!
CODY
Hell yeah! I'm going to get a
female named "Cody" that way I can
scream "CODY, CODY, OH YES, CODY"
for a full two minutes!
DAKOTA
I'm going to get me an Earth slut!
Everyone stares at Dakota like he's nuts.
50 INT. ROCK CLUB - STAGE - THAT MOMENT 50
The lights go out and the crowd comes to life!
51 INT. ROCK CLUB - BACKSTAGE - THAT MOMENT 51
Paul runs over to the keyboard. We look over and see Cody get
a stroke of genius.
CODY
Dude, I'm going to puke blood the
very first thing!
BILLY
Hell yeah! First thing you need to
do is SHOCK the people!
DAKOTA
Please don't use that word.
Cody runs and grabs his "CUP OF BLOOD" and runs back on
stage.
PAUL
We don't have a name how are they
going to introduce us?!
BILLY
Oh, don't worry last night I
thought of a band name.
DAKOTA
What is it?
BILLY
It's awesome, you'll love it, I
also gave them an introduction for
us.
Paul shrugs and slams his hands down on the KEYS of the
KEYBOARD.
ANGLE ON - THE FLOOR, as the bass from the keyboard SHAKES
the club. The people love it!
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Ladies and gentlemen here they are.
Straight from the strip clubs of
West Hollywood California...
CHEWIN' BEAVER!
ANGLE ON - CODY, choking on his "blood." Paul stops playing
the keyboards and turns to a smiling Bill.
PAUL
"Chewin' Beaver"?!
BILLY
Dude, it rocks!
PAUL
You idiot!
The CURTAIN OPENS as Paul JUMPS over the drumset and starts
fighting with Billy.
Dakota runs over to stop it then looks back for Cody to help.
DAKOTA
Cody we...Oh, no.
Cody is standing on the edge of the stage. Just feet in front
of Derek and his girlfriend. Uh-oh, we can see where this is
heading.
Cody GAGS. Eyes BULGE. Derek and his Girlfriend brace
themselves for it and... wait... wait for it... THERE IT
GOES! Blood red PUKE, HALF EATEN TACOS and all kinds of filth
FLIES out onto Derek and his Girlfriend. The audience SCREAMS
in horror.
Cody falls back onto the stage relieved.
CODY
Oh, yeah. That feels better.
CUT TO:
52 INT. BILLY'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - LATER 52
The band returns in defeat. Instead of taking their equipment
back to the basement they just leave them in the middle of
the living room. What's the point?
Billy heads over to the answering machine and presses PLAY.
PRINCIPAL
(filtered)
Paul, Cody and Dakota this is your
Principal. Your suspension has been
lifted. You to start school again
tomorrow morning.
Everyone but Billy groans.
DAKOTA
Blow me!
PRINCIPAL
(filtered)
And Paul we may have a way for you
to raise your grades. Everyone meet
me first thing tomorrow morning.
Bye.
CODY
This sucks!
BILLY
Haha, you have to go to school!
This is great!
CODY
If we go to school we can't have
band practice during the day.
BILLY
I hate school!
53 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - MORNING 53
Routine pre-teaching ritual at High School. Buses drop off
students, students park their cars, boyfriends meet
girlfriends, etc.
SUPER: MONDAY
54 INT. HIGH SCHOOL - PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - MORNING 54
Cody, Dakota and a nodding off Paul stand in front of the
Principal again.
PRINCIPAL
I hope that you guys have learned
your lesson.
CODY
We don't even know what the fucking
lesson was.
PRINCIPAL
Cody!
DAKOTA
Damn, Cody.
PRINCIPAL
Dakota!
DAKOTA
That's Mr. Ace Frehley to you Earth
scum.
It's pointless to argue. The Principal turns his attention to
Paul.
PRINCIPAL
Paul, remember when I said that we
may have a way for you to bring up
your grades?
Paul slowly comes to life.
PAUL
Yeah.
PRINCIPAL
Well, it's a bit unorthodox but we
can raise your grades if you
cooperate and participate in DARE
again, since you failed it in sixth
grade --
Cody and Dakota start laughing.
DAKOTA
You failed DARE Class? Haha!
PAUL
Shut up, Dakota.
DAKOTA
How can you fail DARE?
PAUL
Shut... up... Dakota.
DAKOTA
I'm sorry, you're suppose to be the
smart one and you failed DARE, even
dumbass Cody passed that class.
HAHA!
Cody stops laughing.
CODY
What?
PRINCIPAL
Look Paul do you want to do this?
PAUL
(hesitant)
I guess.
PRINCIPAL
Good. DARE starts today in grade
school so we're going to send you
with the DARE Officer to six grade
and --
Cody and Dakota bust out laughing again. Paul is really
getting tired of this.
PAUL
Shut up.
CODY
Oh, sweet Gene you're going back to
grade school. Ha-ha!
PRINCIPAL
Anyway you're going to help the
DARE Officer, Officer Dell --
CODY
Dude, your getting a Officer Dell!
Haha!
PRINCIPAL
To teach the kids the dangers of
drugs and why they should stay off
of it.
DAKOTA
He's going to tell about the
dangers of drugs!
CODY
Dude, just look at him. Haha!
PAUL
I swear, I'm going to --
DAKOTA
Dude, he's -- Oh, oh, dude.
Dakota looks down and sees a WET SPOT in the front of his
pants.
DAKOTA (cont'd)
I just pissed myself, Haha!
Cody FALLS over laughing and KNOCKS the awards and diploma's
off of the Principals wall in the process.
PRINCIPAL
Get the hell out of my office! All
of you!
55 INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - MORNING 55
The three stand outside the School's Office in the crowded
hallway. Dakota covers the front of his pants with his hand.
DAKOTA
I'll be back I got to finish
pissing.
Dakota runs off. Cody starts giggling.
PAUL
Dude, shut up.
CODY
Haha! You're going to --
PAUL
Dude, it's not that funny.
CODY
Haha, yes it is! It's hilarious!
Paul spots Derek and his Jock's entering the front door.
PAUL
(pointing)
Look! It's Captain Dick and the
Testicle Gang!
Cody laughs his ass off.
DEREK
Well, well, well. Look who it is.
Freak Boy and Jewboy.
PAUL
Technically I'm not a "Jew". Most
likely I'm of tribe of Benjamin. So
Hebrew is correct but not Jew. All
Jews are Hebrew but not all Hebrews
are Jews. There's more then just
one tribe of Yisrael. Everyone
tries to put them into one tribe
but it won't work. I --
DEREK
You still look like a Jew so shut
up Jewboy!
(to Cody)
You puked on me and my woman last
night you little homo. And you know
what? She broke up with me because
of it.
CODY
Sorry.
DEREK
Sorry?
PAUL
Derek come on. It's too early for
this.
DEREK
Am I talking to you?
PAUL
Right now you are.
He's got a point.
DEREK
Shut up!
(to Cody)
Today. You and me.
CODY
Dude, I ain't gay. Now you, the
football team, the choir, the
marching band and the majority of
the national honor society might be
but I'm not.
DEREK
Not that you little freak, I'm
going to kick your ass! And you
know what? You're going down.
CODY
No, you're going down.
DEREK
No, you're going down!
CODY
No, you're going down!
DEREK
No, you're going down!
CODY
No, you're going down and I can
prove it!
DEREK
How's that?
CODY
That's what you're sister did to me
last night after the concert. It
runs in the family. Haven't you
looked at your families knees!
DEREK
You little monkey!
PAUL
No, that's Joe over there.
Paul points to JOE. The jock who ACTUALLY looks like a
monkey.
PAUL (cont'd)
(singing)
Joe.
Joe.
Joe of the jungle.
Gay as he could be...
He fucked the football team!
JOE
I no fuck football team, baseball
team!
Derek turns around.
DEREK
What?!
JOE
Oops.
Derek turns back around to Cody. Joe notices something down
the hall and taps Derek on the shoulder.
JOE (cont'd)
Uh, Derek.
DEREK
Shut up!
JOE
You better --
DEREK
What?! What is it?!
Derek turns around to see a FROTHING Dakota down the hall.
DAKOTA
ACE KILL! FUCK YOU!
Dakota CHARGES Derek and TACKLES him to the ground and starts
BEATING the hell out of him! The Principal runs out of the
office and breaks up the fight.
PRINCIPAL
What's going on here!
JOE
Dakota kick Derek's ass.
DEREK
Joe you idiot!
The Principal drags Derek into his office.
DEREK (cont'd)
Hey! Hey, what about Dakota?!
PRINCIPAL
I saw the whole thing on the
security camera Derek or did you
forget we have those things?
(to the students)
Now, everyone get to class!
All leave the scuffle and head off on their separate ways. At
that moment Derek's Girlfriend, now Ex-Girlfriend walks up to
Dakota.
DEREK'S GIRLFRIEND
Hey.
DAKOTA
Hey.
DEREK'S GIRLFRIEND
That was pretty cool. I have no
idea what you were talking about
but --
DAKOTA
Yeah, people just don't understand
the Jendellian way of life.
DEREK'S GIRLFRIEND
(lost)
Okay...
DAKOTA
Don't worry about it, baby.
Dakota wraps his arm around her and walks off with her.
PAUL
(to Cody)
Does he know that you puked on her
last night?
CODY
I think so.
PAUL
Dude, that's sick.
Paul and Cody giggle.
CODY
Naughty.
PAUL
Guess I better go outside and wait
on Officer Dell.
CODY
Yeah, I better get to first period.
Later.
PAUL
Later.
CUT TO:
56 INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - FLOOR - MORNING 56
Cody and Dakota are lined up against one wall with the MALE
STUDENTS, Derek and his jocks included. On the other side of
the gym wall the FEMALE STUDENTS are lined up as well.
The TWO GYM TEACHERS, one MALE and the other FEMALE, walk out
from the back pushing a CART FULL of DODGE BALLS.
MALE GYM TEACHER
All right. We're doing dodgeball
today. Guess who's going to be
doing the dodging?
CUT TO:
57 INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - FLOOR - LATER 57
Cody and Dakota RUNNING for their lives from the balls. In
fact -- they're the ONLY ONES running! EVERYONE ELSE is
throwing balls at them including the TEACHERS.
CUT TO:
58 INT. SIXTH GRADE CLASSROOM - DAY 58
A PITIFUL Paul sits in the corner of the class. The SIXTH
GRADE TEACHER introduces OFFICER DELL. By Looking at him it's
amazing how he passed the physical.
SIXTH GRADE TEACHER
Now class this is Officer Dell from
the local Police Department and
over there is our friend from High
School Paul. Officer Dell the kids
are all yours.
OFFICER DELL
Thank you.
The Teacher begins to leave the room but not without giving
Paul an evil eye before she closes the door. We've all had
this teacher one time or another. We haven't done anything
and she STILL hates us.
OFFICER DELL (cont'd)
Hello students. As your teacher
told you I'm Officer Dell and I'm
here to teach you about Drug Abuse
Resistance Education or DARE.
OFFICER DELL begins passing out the DARE booklets.
OFFICER DELL (cont'd)
Now, I want everyone to keep these
books and don't lose them okay?
These are the books that you're
going to be working in for the
entire week.
The Teacher comes back into the room.
SIXTH GRADE TEACHER
Officer Dell?
OFFICER DELL
Yes?
SIXTH GRADE TEACHER
I'm sorry but you have a phone call
in the office.
OFFICER DELL
All right. Paul could you finish
passing these out?
PAUL
Me?
OFFICER DELL
Yes.
PAUL
Err.
OFFICER DELL
Okay everyone. I'm putting Paul in
charge of the class while I'm gone.
Uh-oh.
Officer Dell hands the rest of the booklets to Paul. Paul
watches Officer Dell walk out the door. The Teacher turns to
leave with Officer Dell then gives Paul another evil look and
closes the door.
PAUL
Bitch.
(to the kids)
All right. Get up here and get one
of these.
KID #1
You're suppose to pass them out.
PAUL
And your dad was suppose to pull
out of his sister when he was
sixteen but he didn't so she ended
up having you. Now shut up and take
these booklets.
Paul tosses the booklets onto one of the kid's desk in the
front row. The kids slowly come up and get their booklets as
Paul goes back to his chair and sits down.
KID #2
Hey, I've seen you before.
PAUL
That's right, kid. I'm actually
Johnny Depp researching a movie
role.
KID #2
No, you're not.
PAUL
Fine, I'm not.
CUT TO:
59 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - DAY 59
LUNCHTIME. The only break of freedom during Hell. Paul,
Dakota, and Cody sit against the Gymnasium wall which is
casting an excellent shade onto our heros who are downing
some serious DR. PEPPER while watching the girls walk by.
DAKOTA
You failed DARE?
PAUL
Yes.
DAKOTA
Again? HAHA! You fucking stoner!
Paul just sits there shaking his head as Dakota and Cody are
having a ball.
Just then when things are the bleakest for Paul it happens --
rather SHE happens. The most beautiful thing to ever step
foot inside the school walks across the parking lot. Instead
of a choir of angels singing an enchanting melody KISS'
"HEAVEN'S ON FIRE" rings out.
Dakota and Cody spot her and stop laughing. Especially when
they notice shes heading their way. Paul jumps up and runs to
her.
SHANDI
Hi.
Paul gets straight to the point.
PAUL
I have a telepathic link with Paul
Stanley.
Dakota and Cody bust out laughing.
SHANDI
Do you?
PAUL
Yeah.
SHANDI
That must be nice.
PAUL
Sure is.
Okay, this guy is a little weird.
SHANDI
Um, so anyway, I'm new and everyone
here seems to be kinda stuck up.
CODY
Welcome to Wahellma.
SHANDI
Wahellma?
DAKOTA
Yeah, Paul renamed it.
PAUL
Not a lot of good company in this
place.
SHANDI
Yeah, I noticed. That's why I came
over here you guys looked kinda
laid back so I thought I'd come
over and talk to you.
(catches herself)
Guys! Talk -- Talk to you guys.
Shandi tries to cover it with a smile. Too late. We know who
she wanted to talk to all along.
PAUL
(missing it)
Well, yeah. Sure.
(extends his hand)
I'm Paul.
Shandi takes his hand.
SHANDI
Paul?
PAUL
No seriously. That's my real name.
CODY
That's his real name.
DAKOTA
Yep.
SHANDI
Okay, Paul. I'm Shandi.
CODY
Ouuu, like the song by KISS. Go
Paul!
Paul shoots a look to Cody: Shut up.
SHANDI
Yeah, I know I love that song.
CODY, DAKOTA AND PAUL
You do?
SHANDI
Yeah.
CODY
What album is it on?
SHANDI
It's on "Unmasked". Second track.
Released May, Nineteen-eighty. It
was written by Stanley and Poncia.
CODY
(to Paul)
Is that right?
PAUL
(to Cody)
(whispers)
I don't know. It is now.
DAKOTA
(to Shandi)
Dude, you're a chick and you like
KISS?
SHANDI
Hell yeah, KISS rules!
An unbreakable bond is formed. Paul is in love.
PAUL
I love you. I have always loved
you. I wrote that song for you.
SHANDI
What?
DAKOTA
Oh, the reason why he has a
telepathic link with Paul Stanley
is because he actually believe's
he's Paul Stanley.
Paul turns to Dakota.
PAUL
Shut up, dickfucker!
(back to Shandi)
Hey, baby what's up?
SHANDI
Uh, well, you're still holding my
hand.
Paul looks down. Yep, he hasn't released it. Let's watch Paul
work it.
PAUL
That's okay, baby you like it.
SHANDI
Well, I --
Out of nowhere a Dakota rips a giant FART! Shandi stares in
silence.
DAKOTA
Oh, yeah!
Cody jumps up holding his nose.
CODY
Oh, dude! Nasty!
DAKOTA
Whew! I've been holding on to that
one since Oa.
Paul drops Shandi's hand and goes to lay down some pain! Paul
quickly RETREATS back to Shandi's side holding his face.
PAUL
Oh, goodness gracious, great balls
of fire!
DAKOTA
I got another one for ya' just hold
on a second.
CODY
Damn you, Dakota! That stuff is
rank!
DAKOTA
I know it's fresh off a turd.
CODY
Dude, you shouldn't be doing that!
Gosh, there's something wrong with
your liver or something.
DAKOTA
What, your poop don't stink?!
CODY
I'd rather eat my poop then smell
your nasty Snickers!
DAKOTA
Well, excuse me for --
Dakota blows out a WET one with a hearty laugh following it
up.
CODY
Quit it!
(the smell hits Cody)
That -- that oh, Gene in Hell that
smells like "Gravy Train", man.
What the hell do you eat?!
DAKOTA
I'm done man. Seriously. Come on,
sit back down here.
CODY
Dude, you better --
DAKOTA
I'm done man. Look you can't even
smell it anymore.
Hesitant Cody decides to trust Dakota and sits back down next
to him. It might be funny to some of us but Shandi has had
enough of it.
SHANDI
Uh, look, I'll see you around,
Paul.
PAUL
What?
SHANDI
Hey, don't worry, I'm --
Shandi looks over to Dakota who exhales and makes a face like
he smells something bad. He shakes his head and waves his
hand between his legs. Dakota looks over to Cody.
DAKOTA
(mouthing)
Oh, that was a bad one.
Cody sees this. Then SMELLS it.
CODY
DAMN YOU, DAKOTA!
Dakota relishes in his victory as Cody jumps up covering his
nose with his T-shirt.
Paul still pleads with Shandi.
PAUL
No, don't leave me with these two.
SHANDI
I got cooking class next and I have
to meet all my teachers before each
class so I have to get going.
PAUL
Cooking class, huh?
SHANDI
Yeah.
(hopeful)
Do you have it next?
PAUL
No, but my next class is about two
doors down. Maybe I can sneak in
there.
SHANDI
I don't know...
PAUL
Don't worry I won't get you in
trouble.
SHANDI
Well...okay, maybe I'll see you in
there.
PAUL
Okay.
SHANDI
Bye-bye.
PAUL
Bye.
Shandi walks off. After a few feet she looks back and smiles.
Paul pouts and waves. Shandi returns the pout but then blows
a kiss and a gives a wink and then continues on into the
school.
Paul turns back to Dakota.
PAUL (cont'd)
Dakota, I'm going to kill you!
60 INT. HIGH SCHOOL - SCIENCE CLASS - DAY 60
Paul, Dakota and Cody are sitting at one of the back tables
among thirty hardworking students who are hitting the books --
well, everyone except our heroes who are reading COMIC BOOKS.
The SCIENCE TEACHER, an aging man who missed his calling as
deranged scientist in the 1950's serials, sits at his desk
making SMOKE BUBBLES. How? By smoking a cigarette and then
dipping the little plastic soap holder that comes with the
bottle into it. He then blows through the little ring that's
filled with the soap resulting in a bubble that's filled with
smoke.
In case you haven't noticed by now the Science Teacher
doesn't really care about anything.
Paul raises his hand. The Science Teacher pops a bubble
releasing the smoke.
SCIENCE TEACHER
(under his breath)
That's neat.
(normal voice)
What is it, Paul?
PAUL
May I go to the bathroom?
SCIENCE TEACHER
You just had fourty minutes for
lunch.
PAUL
Yeah.
SCIENCE TEACHER
You could have went then.
PAUL
Uh-huh.
The Teacher takes a puff and blows another bubble and pops
it.
SCIENCE TEACHER
(under his breath)
I love science.
PAUL
Can I go?
SCIENCE TEACHER
No!
PAUL
Okay, lied. Look, I want some
poontang from the new chick in
school so I'm going to sneak into
Miss. Whats-her-name's class down
the hall and see if I can get her
to go to the movies or something.
SCIENCE TEACHER
Okay, but don't get caught in her
room. I hate that bitch.
The students are in a state of disbelief. That NEVER happens
for them.
PAUL
Sweet.
Paul hops up and goes to the Teacher's desk and takes the
HALLPASS and heads out for his mission. The Science Teacher
looks at the students.
SCIENCE TEACHER
Hey, I'm happy for the little
fella'. I thought he was gay!
61 INT. HIGH SCHOOL - COOKING CLASS - THAT MOMENT 61
One of the largest rooms in the school. Its split in two by a
wall with two open doorways on both ends. On one side of the
wall is a classroom while the other is the "Kitchen" complete
with tables, stoves, sinks, etc.
Alone in the kitchen stands Shandi looking at a cookbook and
she's cooking up a storm. Wow, she's hot AND she can cook.
Paul can pick'em. She grabs a pan -- one of the old black
pans that weighs a ton -- and starts greasing it up.
IN THE HALLWAY,
Paul makes his way towards the class with a little extra step
in his walk.
IN THE COOKING CLASS,
DING! Shandi's PIZZA BREAD is done. Shandi sits the pan down
and accidently spills some COOKING OIL on the handle. Shandi
grabs a pot holder and takes out the pizza bread -- PERFECT --
and sets it down. Shandi notices the spill on the handle.
SHANDI
Oops.
IN THE HALLWAY,
Paul gets to the door way and sees Shandi.
Paul strikes the "People's Strudel" pose then enters the room
slowly -- hey, the pan could be hot right? Shandi wraps her
hand around the handle avoiding the spill.
Suddenly a COOKING STUDENT from the other side of the wall
walks in and spots Paul.
COOKING STUDENT
Jewboy!
PAUL
Ahh!
Shandi quickly turns her body around to the scream behind
her. The handle MOVES in her hand so does the OIL. The pan
FLIES out and straight towards Paul's head -- DONG!
CUT TO:
62 EXT. BILLY'S HOUSE - EVENING 62
The kids are returning from school, adults from work.
Everyone throws SURGICAL MASKS on their face when the get
closer to the sewer drain.
63 INT. BILLY'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY 63
Paul sits on the couch with an ice pack on his head and he's
not in the best of moods. There is one good thing about this
however. Shandi is the one holding it.
SHANDI
I am so sorry.
Paul opens his eyes and looks over at her.
SHANDI (cont'd)
She scared me an --
PAUL
You broke my head.
SHANDI
I'm sorry.
PAUL
Uh-uh.
SHANDI
So... uh... is this your parents
house?
PAUL
No, this is my drummers home. But
once we got the band together we
thought it would be cool to live
together so we all moved in, got
jobs, and help pay rent. Well, we
did until Cody and I got fired.
SHANDI
Wow, your parents must be really
cool to let you do that.
PAUL
Parents?
SHANDI
Yeah, when you told them you were
moving in? They just said, "okay"?
PAUL
Uh...
SHANDI
Paul?
PAUL
Uh...
SHANDI
Where are your parents?
PAUL
Uh... I prefer to live life like a
movie and if this was a movie it
would be one of those that never
explain stuff like that.
Suddenly the front door swings open. It's Cody and the Goth
Chick. Cody poses like a conquering hero.
CODY
Hot damn, motherfucker, I'm getting
pussy tonight!
The Goth Chick spots Paul with the ice pack.
GOTH CHICK
Hey, what happened to Axl Rose over
there?
CODY
Jonathan Davis kicked his ass when
we went to get his kilt back.
Cody and the Goth Chick erupt in laughter. Paul and Shandi
don't see the humour.
Cody wraps his arm around his woman.
CODY (cont'd)
All right, well while she's over
there trying to put bullets into
the Love Gun, you're going to pay a
visit to Doctor Love.
The Goth Chick plays along.
GOTH CHICK
(high pitched)
Oh, Doctor.
Cody leads her into his bedroom.
CODY
And don't forget we need to take
your temperature... the old fashion
way.
GOTH CHICK (O.S.)
(high pitched)
Oh, Doctor.
Cody turns and smiles at Paul then heads into his room and
closes the door.
GOTH CHICK (O.S.) (cont'd)
Wow, you have a lot of Batgirl
comics.
CODY (O.S.)
We're not here to talk about that!
Shandi shakes her head.
SHANDI
Slut.
PAUL
Cody's a whore.
RING! The Answering Machine kicks on.
BILLY
(filtered)
Hey, this is Bill.
You have reached five, five, five,
three, eight, two, five or five,
five, five, fuck. As in you!
PAUL
I bet it's Bill.
BILLY (O.S.)
(filtered)
God, I love my voice. Someone
pickup.
Paul answers the phone.
PAUL
Yeah.
BILLY (O.S.)
(filtered)
Dude!
PAUL
What?
BILLY (O.S.)
(filtered)
Check it. I got us a gig for
tomorrow.
PAUL
Killer.
BILLY (O.S.)
(filtered)
Dude, we're going to rock the hell
out of this place but I have to
work late tonight so I won't be in
for awhile.
PAUL
That's all right, I'm not going to
be here.
BILLY (O.S.)
(filtered)
Really?
PAUL
(looking at Shandi)
Yeah, I'm going to the movies?
She smiles in approval.
BILLY (O.S.)
(filtered)
Why are you asking me for, dude?
PAUL
I wasn't.
BILLY (O.S.)
(filtered)
That was in the form of a question.
PAUL
I was asking the girl I'm with.
BILLY (O.S.)
(filtered)
Dude, you have a chick at the
house? Awesome! I'm going to let
you go then. Have fun, dude. I know
I did when I was with her!
Hahahaha!
Paul hangs up the phone and then it starts.
MOANING
Straight from Cody's room. And it's Cody who's moaning.
Loudly.
Paul looks at Shandi.
PAUL
This isn't my fault.
SHANDI
I know, it's okay.
Cody continues and now the Goth Chick joins in. It's turning
into an awkward moment for Paul and Shandi. The moaning gets
louder, louder, and LOUDER. Cody screams.
CODY (O.S.)
Paul! Oh Paul!
Paul's eyes widen. Shandi jumps up.
SHANDI
What the --
PAUL
Yeah, that's what I say!
Shandi looks angrily at Paul.
PAUL (cont'd)
Whoa, hey, I don't swing that way,
baby! I don't know what the hell is
going on in that room!
Cody continues and now his woman joins in.
CODY (O.S.)
Paul, oh Paul!
GOTH CHICK (O.S.)
(mumbles)
Paul! Paul!
PAUL
Yeah, now that's what it sounds
like every night when I'm here.
Shandi gets ready to storm out of the house.
PAUL (cont'd)
No, no, no, no, no, don't! They
came out wrong!
CODY (O.S.)
Help! Dude, seriously!
Shandi turns to Paul. Paul shrugs his shoulders and heads
towards Cody's bedroom with Shandi.
64 INT. BILLY'S HOUSE - CODY'S BEDROOM - DAY 64
Paul and Shandi open the door to the bedroom to find Cody and
the Goth Chick on his bed. Cody with his shirt off and the
Goth Chick with her --
CODY
Dude, help! Her tongue ring is
caught on my nipple ring!
PAUL
What?
The Goth Chick and Cody turn to the side and yep, it's caught
all right.
SHANDI
How did you do that?
CODY
(whines)
The demon wanted his nipples
pleased.
GOTH CHICK
(mumbles)
Help please.
PAUL
Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm no condition
to help you. I'm still feeling the
effects from my beating.
Paul and Shandi start to walk off.
CODY
Oh, cold!
Goth Chick tries her luck.
GOTH CHICK
(mumbles)
Pretty girl, pretty girl. Help?
SHANDI
You know this reminds me of a scene
from my favorite movie.
GOTH CHICK
(mumbles)
What's that?
SHANDI
A Christmas Story.
GOTH CHICK
(mumbles)
Huh?
SHANDI
(acting the scene out)
Stuck, stuck, stuck, STUCK! STUCK!
STUCK!
Paul and Shandi laugh their way out the room as a distraught
Cody looks on.
CODY
Man, everyone hates me. Even this
chick's tongue hates me.
65 INT. BILLY'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY 65
Paul and Shandi head back into the living room and sit back
on the couch. Paul picks up the ice pack and places it on his
head again.
PAUL
Anyway the whole band lives here.
SHANDI
How many members do you have?
PAUL
Four. Cody, Billy, myself, Dakota --
wait a minute... Where is Dakota?
66 INT. SHAWN AND MIKE'S QUICK FIX - EVENING 66
Dakota and Derek's Girlfriend walk into the Fix and go
straight to the desk. Shawn puts down the dirt bike magazine
he's reading.
Mike keeps reading his porn.
MIKE
How the hell did he get that role?
I'm way bigger then that guy.
SHAWN
Dakota! Got you a woman?
DAKOTA
That's right. I need eight hundred
and thirty five condoms.
SHAWN
We don't have that many.
MIKE
Billy does.
SHAWN
Where is he?
MIKE
Work I guess.
SHAWN
Where does he work?
MIKE
I don't know, he's your brother.
SHAWN
That doesn't mean I know where he
works at. You hang out with him.
MIKE
Yeah, well, I don't care.
DAKOTA
Hey, condoms for the Rocket Ride!
MIKE
We got some sandwich bags use
those.
DAKOTA
Sandwich bags?
MIKE
Yep. Or a garbage bag if you're a
ripped stud like me. I remember
when I was starring in my first
porn "Bend over the Moon." They
gave me a --
SHAWN
Dude, I don't want to hear this
story.
MIKE
I want to tell it.
SHAWN
I don't care.
MIKE
Go to hell it's my store.
SHAWN
It's my store, too.
DAKOTA
Condoms!
MIKE
I told you Dakota use a sandwich
bag.
DAKOTA
I don't want to use a sandwich bag,
that's stupid!
MIKE
Well, then you're screwed!
DAKOTA
This store sucks! How the heck does
this place stay in business?!
MIKE
Sandwich bags!
SHAWN
Will you get off the sandwich bags
please!
MIKE
No! And go get me a beer!
SHAWN
You get a beer!
MIKE
I'm running the store!
SHAWN
You're reading porn!
MIKE
(dead serious)
This is a career researching tool.
SHAWN
What?
MIKE
I have to keep up with the business
to help map out my career.
SHAWN
Mike, how many movies have you
made?
MIKE
Eighteen.
SHAWN
And they're all on public access.
I'm surprised nobody has complained
and shut you and Bill down yet.
DAKOTA
Someone has to see it in order to
complain... Just like Mike's wee
wee.
MIKE
Shut up.
DAKOTA
Suck my ventilation shaft.
RING! Shawn answers the phone.
SHAWN
Shawn and Mike's Quick Fix.
CODY (O.S.)
(filtered)
...You got any K Y Jelly?
SHAWN
Cody?
CODY (O.S.)
(filtered)
...Yes.
SHAWN
What do you want with it?
CODY (O.S.)
(filtered)
It's for my nipple ring--
SHAWN
Dude, you're a freak.
Shawn hangs up the phone.
DAKOTA
What was that about?
SHAWN
I don't know. Cody is a disgusting
little perv.
DAKOTA
He takes that after Billy.
MIKE
Are you going to buy any sandwich
bags?
DAKOTA
No!
67 INT. BILLY'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING 67
Paul and Shandi are getting ready to leave the house.
SHANDI
Is that girl and Cody -- that's his
name, right "Cody?"
PAUL
Yeah.
SHANDI
Will they be going to the movies
with us?
PAUL
I guess they are, I'll check.
Paul and Shandi head to --
68 INT. BILLY'S HOUSE - CODY'S BEDROOM - EVENING 68
Cody and the Goth Chick are still stuck.
CODY
Wait. I got an idea. Lean back with
me.
Cody leans back and reaches under the bed and grabs a
SPATULA.
GOTH CHICK
(mumbles)
A spatula?
CODY
Yeah. See I hit you on the head
with the spatula and it will
reverberate your tongue ring and
will set you free.
GOTH CHICK
(mumbles)
Oh, okay.
WHACK! Cody nails her in the head.
GOTH CHICK (cont'd)
(mumbles)
I think it moved! Do it again!
Paul and Shandi walk in.
PAUL
Dude, what are you doing?
GOTH CHICK
(mumbles)
Don't worry it's working.
PAUL
I don't care about you that's our
only spatula!
CODY
Well, nobody will help us.
SHANDI
Oh, for the love of --
Shandi power walks over to Cody's stereo and grabs one of the
BELTS laying on it and folds it up. She then heads towards
the Goth Chick's rear end with the belt draw back. The Goth
Chick panics and squirms. Cody screams in pain.
The Goth Chick breaks free from the nipple ring prison she
was in and smiles.
SHANDI (cont'd)
Shit! I wanted to hit her.
Cody lays on his chest in pain.
PAUL
All right, are we ready to go to
the movies now?
GOTH CHICK
I'm ready.
SHANDI
I'm ready.
PAUL
Cody?
CODY
(whines)
I'm never going to be able to give
milk to my chickens again.
Paul holds out his arms to Shandi. Shandi runs at him with
the belt. Paul screams and runs out the door with Shandi
following him laughing.
SHANDI
Come here!
Goth Chick shakes Cody.
GOTH CHICK
Come on, baby.
69 EXT. THEATER - EVENING 69
The theater is making some serious money tonight as the
parking lot is packed.
70 INT. THEATER - SCREEN 1 - EVENING 70
The movie is on the verge of being a sell-out as the only
seats available are several down front.
Cody and the Goth Chick lead the way down the aisle while
Paul and Shandi follow behind them. Cody and the Goth Chick
find the empty seats -- four side by side -- and they make
their way to the seats and sit down. Paul and Cody sit next
to each other with the girls on either side.
CODY
Did you talk to Billy today?
PAUL
Yeah, he got us a gig for tomorrow.
CODY
Where at?
PAUL
He didn't say. Dude, have you seen
Dakota?
CODY
Not since school. Why have you?
PAUL
No.
CODY
Huh, that's weird.
(remembers)
Oh, yeah, that chick I puked on. He
might be with her.
PAUL
Derek's Girlfriend?
CODY
Yeah.
SHANDI
(to Goth Chick)
Hey.
Like a bolt of lighting Shandi slides to the edge of the
chair and leans across Paul - her right breast heading
directly to Paul's left knee. Once there Shandi leaves her
breast upon Paul's knee.
While it could be interpreted that she's doing this on
purpose and making the first move, Paul freaks out and looks
around as Shandi speaks in a whisper with Goth Chick.
PAUL (V.O.)
Ahh! Her thingy is on my knee! Oh,
crap! What the hell am I suppose to
do now?
(long beat)
Damn how the hell long is she going
to keep it on there? Ah, I know
what it is! She's embarrassed. She
miscalculated her aim and now her
thingy is on my knee. She doesn't
want to draw attention to it so
she's just going to act like it's
not happening. Yeah, that's it. So
I still might have a chance with
her if I just ignore it. Don't blow
it, Paul!
Paul turns to Cody.
CODY
How's it goin'?
PAUL
KISS rules.
CODY
Yeah, they do.
Shandi sits in her seat correctly again. Paul relaxes and
breathes a sigh of relief.
PAUL (V.O.)
Whew, that was a close one. I
almost took that as her making a
move. Thanks, God.
GOD (V.O.)
Arghhh, you idiot!
Paul looks up at the ceiling.
PAUL
Huh?
CODY
What's wrong, man?
PAUL
I think God called me an idiot.
CODY
(looking up)
Well, He knows you better then
anyone else.
Paul ignores the Divine Intervention in setting his romantic
life on course and pays attention to Cody as he starts moving
around in his chair.
PAUL
What is it?
CODY
I gotta crack my back.
PAUL
Go for it, dude.
Cody stands up. When he does his chair stays DOWN -- he
notices it -- and then twists. CRACK!
PAUL (cont'd)
Oh, that was a good one.
Cody's chair quickly FOLDS back up without anyone noticing.
CODY
Oh, yeah. Try the other side.
Cody twists the other direction -- CRACK, SNAPPLE, POP!
PAUL
There ya' go.
CODY
Ouuu, yeah, creamy thoughts.
PAUL
Satan ain't stealing that Cadillac
is he?
CODY
No, he isn't.
Cody goes to sit down and MISSES the chair and falls flat on
his ass. The theater ERUPTS in laughter -- Shandi and the
Goth Chick included. Paul tries not to laugh but can't hold
it in and bursts out laughing.
PAUL
Oh, God this is why we're single!
A pissed off Cody stands up and yells at the chair.
CODY
Even this chair hates me! What?!
What is it?! Does my ass smell like
Dakota?! AGGRAH!
Cody leans over on the chair and starts HUMPING it! The
laughing stops as everyone in the theater stares in silence
and confusion.
In front of Cody sits TWO OLD LADIES staring at him in
horror. Cody pays no attention to them and continues to hump
it and make stupid faces and moans of anger as he stares
through them as if he was in trance.
CUT TO:
71 EXT. THEATER - LATER 71
Paul and Cody are sitting alone on the Theater's sidewalk.
PAUL
Well, thanks for getting us kicked
out of the theater.
CODY
I'm sorry.
Over in a huddle is a group of PREPS -- male and female --
looking over at Paul and Cody and talking amongst themselves
about them. One of the PREPS speak up.
PREP
Hey, could you guys move. You're
scaring the girls over here.
All the guys in the huddle LAUGH. The girls don't. One of
them even speaks up to the Prep.
PREP GIRL
That was mean.
PAUL
Infidels!
CODY
(to Paul)
Circle jerking motherfuckers. I
hate this place.
PAUL
God life sucks!
CODY
It does. Gene Simmons lied when he
said, "Life isn't bad, life is
good." Yeah, when you're rich it's
good.
PAUL
Oh, it even gets better. Our gig
tomorrow.
CODY
Oh, you mean the next disaster in
our life? Oh, I can't wait for that
one.
72 EXT. JIM BOB'S BAR - NIGHT 72
A parking lot full of TRUCKS are parked in front of a good
sized bar. A large sign in the window reads, "LIVE MUSIC: ALL
AGES NIGHT."
SUPER: TUESDAY
73 INT. JIM BOB'S BAR - NIGHT 73
ANOTHER FULL HOUSE for our heros. Even standing room only is
filled up.
At the table in front of the stage sits Goth Chick, Derek's
Girlfriend and Shandi all wearing nervous smiles. We know how
you feel girls, this isn't going to be pretty. Sitting at the
table with them is Mike and Shawn.
ANGLE ON - THE STAGE, as a little argument is going on with
our heroes at the drumset.
BILLY
Don't worry dude.
CODY
Don't worry? Don't worry? Dude,
we're fucked. F-U-C-T, Fucked.
BILLY
Don't worry. Dakota and I spoke
about it today we got it covered.
CODY
Really?
DAKOTA
It's cool, dude.
BILLY
Check it. Dakota and I will start
them out with a country song - you
know to warm them up - and then
they'll be ready to rock.
CODY
A country song?
DAKOTA
A country song.
CODY
We're a rock band.
BILLY
Hey, you and Paul like Elvis right?
He sung country songs on stage
along with Rock 'N' Roll and Gospel
and it worked for him.
PAUL
THAT'S 'CAUSE ELVIS IS THE KING!
A roar of applause goes up from the crowd for Elvis.
BILLY
See, dude. They're ready, they want
it.
Paul and Cody turn to the stage and take their Microphones.
The crowd CHEERS.
PAUL
Whoooooo! How you doin'? Oh yeah!
It looks like we gonna have
ourselves... a rock 'n' roll party
tonight!
The crowd cheers. Our hero's can warm up a crowd like no
other can they not?
CROWD MEMBER
What's the band's name, son?!
They keep forgetting that part.
PAUL
Uh... uh...
All eyes are on Paul. Paul looks at Shandi. She looks up at
him, eyes full of encouragement and support.
PAUL (cont'd)
Uh... Centuries of Sin.
Centuries of Sin? The band ponders it.
ANOTHER CROWD MEMBER
Shit, I'd name my dog that, that a
good name!
PAUL
Yeah, and the "S" is like the "S"
in "KISS," with the lighting bolt
thingy in it.
Paul just sold the band. Cody ROARS into the microphone.
CODY
SINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
All of a sudden Billy hops up from the drumset with a FIDDLE
playing The Charlie Daniels Band classic: "THE DEVIL WENT
DOWN TO GEORGIA."
CROWD MEMBER
Yea-haw!
The crowd cheers as Billy runs to the front of the stage.
Paul and Cody watch on but not for long as Dakota SHOVES Paul
out of the way and goes to work.
DAKOTA
(singing)
The devil went down to Georgia,
he was looking for a soul to steal.
He was in a bind
'cause he was way behind,
and he was willing to make a deal.
Dakota CONTINUES singing the song without missing a beat.
Paul and Cody look to their women at the table and they're
loving it. Shandi and the Goth Chick spot the evil eyes Paul
and Cody are giving them and stop loving it.
Cody and Paul turn their attentions back to Billy and Dakota.
CODY
They steal our spotlight--
PAUL
And make us feel insecure about our
women.
The girls look over at Cody and Paul on the side of the
stage. It's obvious they're planing something. Shandi turns
to the Goth Chick.
SHANDI
What are they doing over there?
GOTH CHICK
I have no idea.
At that moment Derek's Girlfriend get's into it..
DEREK'S GIRLFRIEND
Wahoo! Go, baby!
Derek's Girlfriend takes off her shoe and THROWS it NAILING
Dakota in the face.
DAKOTA
Ow!
SHANDI
Hey, hey!
Derek's Girlfriend turns to Shandi.
DEREK'S GIRLFRIEND
What?
SHANDI
You're suppose to throw your bra
honey, not your shoes.
DEREK'S GIRLFRIEND
Oh. This is my first rock concert
in a redneck bar.
Derek's Girlfriend grabs the bottom of her shirt. Mike comes
alive and pounds the table like a hungry man chanting for
food.
MIKE
Aww, take it off, sweet mamma!
Goth Chick spots her in time just before she begins to lift.
GOTH CHICK
No!
MIKE
Aww, let her take it off. Come on,
she's ain't doing nothing wrong.
SHAWN
Dude, Paul and Cody are getting
ready to mess up everything, again.
Dakota and Billy wrap up their song to a standing ovation.
Billy heads back to the drums and sets down his fiddle and
gets ready to rock.
Paul and Cody break from their two man band meeting wearing
huge grins.
MIKE
Shiittt, hear it comes.
Paul and Cody head to their respective microphones.
PAUL
(southern accent)
Y'all like that type of music?
The crowd cheers.
PAUL (cont'd)
(southern accent)
Well, I'll be. Ya' hear that, Cody?
CODY
(southern accent)
I sure do, Paul.
PAUL
(southern accent)
Pa? You'd call me "Pa" or you'd
call me "Paul"?
CODY
(southern accent)
I'd called ya' "Paul", Paul.
PAUL
(southern accent)
I's reckoned youse' did. Why'd you
call me "Pa" when I'm not your pa?
CODY
(southern accent)
Youse' real funny, Paul. You should
try that there stand up.
PAUL
(southern accent)
I thought I was standin' up.
Paul and Cody break into a mock southern laugh, then abruptly
stop. The girls start sliding down into their chairs ashamed.
Crowd interaction with the band has sunk to an all time low
as well. But Shawn and Mike are loving it the impending
failure.
CODY
(southern accent)
Hey, youse wanna play a song?
PAUL
(southern accent)
Sure do. Let's play that one we
wrote while all these nice people
was out here was dancin' a jig. You
play that bass line you came up
with and I'll sing the song.
CODY
(southern accent)
All right.
Billy and Dakota look to each other. Something really bad is
going to happen.
Cody begins to play.
PAUL
(sings with the accent)
Woke up in the morning
and I had to take a piss.
So I went to the bathroom
dropped my pants and did my biz.
As I went back to the bed
I looked at the floor.
There was mud, dirt and filth like
I haven't saw before.
Then I got to the bed
I saw something sticking out.
It was big, long and hard
and I nearly wanted to shout.
So I gathered my courage and drank
another beer,
then I lifted up the sheets and
wholly shit...
I fucked a deer.
(beat)
Oh deer, deer, deer,
I fucked me a dear.
I can't believe what I did.
I fucked me a deer.
(beat)
I screamed, ran and cried out the
front door.
Then I hopped into my jeep I just
couldn't take any more.
When I got back home I just had to
tell my wife.
I'd know it be better even if there
were a fight.
After hearing my story my wife
looked at me.
She turned her head, cocked her eye
and said...
"MMMMMMBBAAAAAAAAAAAA"
and then she cried.
(beat)
Oh, deer, deer --
CUT TO:
74 EXT. JIM BOB'S BAR - NIGHT 74
SMASH! Paul flies out the front window with guitar in hand.
Ouch. Paul slowly stands up only to have a Cody fly into his
arms knocking him down again.
Billy, Dakota, the girls, Shawn and Mike walk out the front
door.
Paul stands back up.
CROWD MEMBER (O.S.)
You forgot something.
Paul turns around a -WHAM!- an acoustic guitar smashes over
his head. Paul is still on his feet only do to the The CROWD
MEMBER still holding onto the neck of the guitar.
BILLY
Dude, that's not ours.
The Crowd Member looks at the guitar.
CROWD MEMBER
Oh, I reckon that ain't, that's
mine.
The Crowd Member pulls the guitar off Paul's head then -POW!-
decks him with a right hand. The Crowd Member smiles at the
other guys.
CROWD MEMBER (cont'd)
Thank ya' fellas.
(tips his hat)
Ladies.
The Crowd Member heads back into bar.
CROWD MEMBER (O.S.) (cont'd)
Hey, boys. You ain't never gonna
believe what I just did to my
guitar!
Dakota looks down out our fallen stars. As their women walk
over and help them up.
DAKOTA
Well, what do you have to say?
Cody turns to Paul.
CODY
That was funny as hell dude, when
did you come up with those lyrics?
Paul looks at Shandi as she helps him up. He's gone.
SHANDI
Paul? Are you, okay?
PAUL
That wasn't a frying pan was it?
75 EXT. BILLY'S HOUSE - MORNING 75
All the lights are out. Our heros have gone beddie-bye.
SUPER: WEDNESDAY
76 INT. BILLY'S HOUSE - PAUL'S BEDROOM - MORNING 76
Well, all are asleep except one. Lying awake on his bed Paul
stares at the wall then looks at the clock on the stereo --
three a.m. -- then sticks his head under the pillows. Why?
Because coming from the other side is a LOUD, OBNOXIOUS NOISE
OF UNGODLY PROPORTIONS.
77 INT. BILLY'S HOUSE - DAKOTA'S BEDROOM - THAT MOMENT 77
The culprit Dakota is in his bed sound asleep and SNORING
like crazy. Over his eyes is a NIGHT PATCH shaped like ACE
FREHLEY'S MAKEUP.
78 INT. BILLY'S HOUSE - PAUL'S BEDROOM - THAT MOMENT 78
The snoring is defying but then something happens. The
snoring stops. Paul sticks his head out from the pillows and
looks at the wall. Finally!
Paul lays his head down on the pillow, closes his eyes and
pulls the covers closer to him. The cool fan blows on his
face gently waving his long hair back. Peace. Quit. Perfect.
Dakota starts SNORING again!
PAUL
Argghhh, Dakota!
That's it. Paul jumps up out of bed. Grabs his pillow. And
heads toward Dakota's room to end the pain.
79 INT. BILLY'S HOUSE - DAKOTA'S BEDROOM - MORNING 79
The door to Dakota's bedroom swings opens and the light
flicks on. Standing in the door way in KISS ARMY PAJAMAS and
a pillow in hand is a ticked off Paul. Paul runs over to
Dakota and -WHAM!- nails the snoring Spaceman.
Dakota rolls over to his side.
DAKOTA
(giggles)
Yeah, my coffin does looks like a
toilet.
The snoring begins again. Paul goes to belt Dakota again then
thinks twice and turns out the light and leaves the room.
80 INT. BILLY'S HOUSE - BATHROOM - MORNING 80
Paul heads into the bathroom and tosses the pillow into the
tub then hops in and lays down. Wow, it's quiet in here. Paul
lays his head down and goes to sleep.
81 EXT. BILLY'S HOUSE - MORNING 81
The birds sing. The sun begins to rise. Another beautiful day
in the neighborhood.
82 INT. BILLY'S HOUSE - CODY'S BEDROOM - MORNING 82
Cody lies asleep in his room. His eyes pop open.
CODY
Oh, not again.
Cody hops up from his bed and runs out of the bedroom and
straight to the --
83 INT. BILLY'S HOUSE - BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS 83
Cody runs in an spots Paul in the tub. Cody clinches his butt
then close the door and runs to the toilet.
ANGLE ON - PAUL, peacefully asleep. Cody suddenly rips a
WICKED fart into the toilet. Paul's nose starts to twitch.
Paul turns and sees Cody looking down at him with a horrid
look of pain.
PAUL
What are you doing?!
CODY
(grunting)
I got the poo-poos!
Crap FLIES into the john. It's horrible.
PAUL
Ahh, dude!
CODY
(grunting)
Can't help it! Feels better though!
PAUL
I don't give a crap!
CODY
(grunting)
I do, I'm losing crap!
Paul starts to stand up. The stench is WORSE.
CODY (cont'd)
(grunting)
Stink travels up don't it?
Paul runs passed Cody and opens the door and heads down the
hall. At that moment Dakota walks by the bathroom and gets a
big whiff.
DAKOTA
Oh, Cody! Dude!
Billy walks by.
BILLY
What is it?
DAKOTA
Dude, smell.
Billy takes a whiff.
BILLY
Oh, hell that ain't nothin'. Check
it.
Billy turns his back to Dakota and lifts his leg then turns
back around.
DAKOTA
What was that?
BILLY
I just let one.
DAKOTA
I don't smell anything.
BILLY
Don't worry.
Billy turns and leaves. Dakota stands there confused.
Suddenly his eyes roll into the back of his head and he
PASSES OUT cold.
84 INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - MORNING 84
As students meet up with their friends and head to Homeroom
Cody, Dakota and Paul are leaning up against their lockers
flirting and hanging out with their girlfriends...except
Paul, he's just leaning and talking.
A STUDENT next to Dakota OPENS his locker. Dakota reaches in
and grabs the Student's snack food and starts EATING it.
CODY
Dakota, quit eating other peoples
food!
DAKOTA
I'm hungry!
CHRIS walks passed the guys.
PAUL
Hey, Chris.
DAKOTA
Dude, what's up.
CHRIS
Not much, man. I need some money.
DAKOTA
Is your car broke again?
CHRIS
Yeah.
CODY
How much do you need?
CHRIS
About fifty dollars. There's no
jobs around here. I should just set
up a little thing were I can pull
of practical jokes on somebody for
money.
CODY
Dude, that would rule.
CHRIS
Yeah, it would. Hey, I have to get
to class, I'll see you guys at the
dance tomorrow.
PAUL
They're having another one?
CHRIS
Yeah.
PAUL
All right, we'll probably be there.
Out of nowhere Derek -- sporting a NEW GIRLFRIEND, looking
just like the last -- and the Jocks come to ruin the fun.
DEREK
Hey!
DAKOTA
Oh, great.
DEREK
Don't think I forgot about what
happened last week you freak.
DAKOTA
I'm not the freak.
(points to Cody)
He is.
Cody waves.
DAKOTA (cont'd)
And next to him is, Jewboy.
Paul waves.
DEREK
I know who they are. Cody is still
stuck up Paul's ass. He's been that
way ever since grade school.
CODY
I know, it's nice and warm up
there.
DEREK
Shut up!
Derek spots Paul's arm wrapped around Shandi.
DEREK (cont'd)
Oh, so you got the new girl?
PAUL
Not yet, give me a week and I'll be
in there. Right now I'm still
strokin' it.
(sings)
I be strokin' to the east.
CODY, DAKOTA AND PAUL
(sings)
Strokin' to the west!
Strokin to the girl
that I like best!
PAUL
(sings)
I be strokin'!
DEREK
Shut up! You know what? Since
you're the most annoying I'm going
to beat your ass for all three of
you.
Paul steps away from Shandi.
PAUL
Let's go dildo builder.
DEREK
What?
Shandi grabs Paul's arm.
SHANDI
(whispers)
Paul, no.
PAUL
(whispers)
What?
SHANDI
(whispers)
You'll get suspended.
DEREK'S NEW GIRLFRIEND
Oh, so you're the school lesbian?
SHANDI
Excuse me?
DEREK'S NEW GIRLFRIEND
I've always wondered who it was, I
didn't even think about the new
girl.
SHANDI
(emphatic)
I am not a lesbian.
DEREK'S NEW GIRLFRIEND
Really? Then why are you dating the
school pussy?
Uh-oh. Them's fightin' words! Shandi LUNGES forward and grabs
the New Girlfriend by the hair and -BANG!- rams her head
against the lockers.
ANGLE ON - THE STUDENTS, as we HEAR bang after bang from the
locker. Everyone is in shock. WHAM! We finally hear the
locker SHUT.
Shandi walks over to Paul.
SHANDI
Walk me to my homeroom.
Paul doesn't know whither to kiss her or run from her. He
chooses a third option and obeys her command. As they walk
pass the lockers we see the New Girlfriend with her head
STUCK in between the locker door that Dakota grabbed the
snacks from.
85 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT 85
Dance night. The cars are parked and the kids are ready to
dance.
SUPER: THURSDAY
86 INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - FLOOR - NIGHT 86
Sucky ass music is playing on pathetic speakers and cheap
lights are shining onto the Gym floor from the STAGE, while
the students stand around. Only about thirty girls are
dancing. Shandi, Goth Chick and Derek's Girlfriend are three
of them.
ANGLE ON - LOSER WALL, as Paul, Cody and Dakota are standing
alone looking like well... losers.
CODY
This sucks.
DAKOTA
I know. I'll be back.
Dakota heads over to the stage and walks up the steps to the
DJ.
ANGLE ON - THE GYM ENTRANCE, as Mike and Shawn arrive on the
scene. Mike takes a look around.
MIKE
Man, if I was still going to this
school I'd bang every girl in here.
SHAWN
What don't you do it now?
MIKE
Jail.
SHAWN
That didn't stop you last year.
MIKE
No, but your girlfriend giving me
crabs last year did.
SHAWN
(honest)
Yeah, she gave them to me, too.
(notices the guys)
Look there's the guys.
Shawn and Mike head over to the Loser Wall.
MIKE
What's up guys?
CODY
Not much. Where's Billy at?
SHAWN
He's on his way over. Hey, what's
Dakota doing on stage?
CODY
We don't know yet.
The music dies down and Dakota takes the microphone.
DAKOTA
Hey, how's everybody doing tonight?
The Students cheer except Cody.
CODY
You're fat!
DAKOTA
Thank's, mom. Hey, before this next
song plays I got some jokes for
you. What do you call two lesbians
making out in a closet?
(beat)
A lick-her cabinet!
Cody and Paul are the only ones who laugh.
DAKOTA (cont'd)
Get it lick her... liquor? Anyway,
did you hear about that new show
coming on NBC this fall about the
two gay guys living with a girl?
(beat)
Yeah, it's called, "Leave it, it's
beaver."
It's Showtime at the Apollo for Paul and Cody. They love it,
they're also the only ones.
DAKOTA (cont'd)
One more. What do you call two
hopeless butt-pluggers on the loser
wall?
(beat)
Paul and Cody!
The students explode into laughter. Paul and Cody are pissed.
CODY
That corn-hole, butt munching, tree
huggin' hippie!
More BAD music plays as Dakota walks off the stage and heads
to the loser wall.
DAKOTA
Did you hear those two Ace Frehley
jokes? They loved it!
CODY
Fuck you! I don't need you!
Suddenly a HOT CHICK -- call her DEBBIE -- in a short dress
walks up to Paul and whispers something into his ear. He
whispers back.
Cody and Dakota stare on. This chick -- though hot -- looks
oddly familiar. Shandi notices it too and so does Derek's
Girlfriend and Goth Chick. They all head over to Paul.
DEBBIE
You sure it's still on?
PAUL
Yeah, see.
Paul motions to the entrance --
BILLY HAS ARRIVED,
Paul and the Debbie share a smile -- something is up -- then
Debbie heads straight towards Billy.
Paul can barely contain his laughter.
CODY
Dude, who was that?
PAUL
You can't tell?
DAKOTA
No.
PAUL
Dude, that's Chris.
SHANDI
The guy with the broke car from
yesterday?
PAUL
Yeah.
GOTH CHICK
Why is he wearing a dress?
PAUL
Remember when he talked about
paying for pranks?
DEREK'S GIRLFRIEND
Yeah.
PAUL
Well, for fifty bucks, Chris is
Debbie.
The group at the Loser Wall looks over at Chris -- err,
Debbie -- who is hitting on Bill and he's loving it. Debbie
turns around, and with Bill following behind, heads passed
the bleachers. They Looks around -- no teachers -- and dart
into the Locker Room.
The group runs over to the locker room door and listens,
while trying to hold in their giggles the best they can.
PAUL (cont'd)
Oh, man I can't wait till Billy
lifts the dress.
The horrible song that the DJ is playing stops then --
BILLY (O.S.)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Everyone in the Gym turns to locker room door.
BILLY (O.S.) (cont'd)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Our heros and company are laughing so hard they're almost
crying. Billy busts out the door running past them as fast as
he can. Debbie runs after him.
DEBBIE
Baby! Baby! Where are you going?!
BILLY
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
87 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT 87
Paul and the gang run out the door in time to see Billy
running to his car with Debbie STILL after him.
BILLY
No!
DEBBIE
But baby, I've fallen in love with
you!
BILLY
No!
Billy pops out his keys and starts to put then in the slot.
Debbie is almost on him. He DROPS the keys! Billy reaches
down to pick them up. Debbie LEAPS onto Billy's back.
DEBBIE
TAKE ME, BABY!
BILLY
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Billy FREAKS OUT and runs down the School's Parking lot with
Debbie on his back.
DEBBIE
Oh, yes, ride'em cowboy! Ride'em!
BILLY
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
After a moment the gang finally stops laughing.
PAUL
Dude, if there's ever a movie about
us that has to be in it.
CODY
I agree.
DAKOTA
Yeah, that has to be in the movie.
GOTH CHICK
What would you name it?
SHANDI
Probably Jewboy.
PAUL
I doubt it. Who the hell would
write a movie called, Jewboy?
Everyone looks at Paul.
CODY
Right there the movie would end.
Right after you said "Jewboy."
PAUL
Hell no, that's something Kevin
Smith would do and I don't want him
pissed at me. I'd like to work on a
project with him one day.
Paul looks at the camera then back to Cody.
PAUL (cont'd)
See remember that in "Jay and
Silent Bob Strikes Back" they would
look at the - never mind. Let's
just watch Billy then fade out.
Paul and the gang turn back around and watch as Billy
continues to run away from Debbie.
FADE OUT.
THE END