ACT TWO
 
 
 
 

Scene One

 

 
 
 

As the second act overture ends, we hear another train whistle, then the sound of an engine starting and plunging ahead at full speed. Curtain rises, and we are again on the Shanghai Express with the same three compartment we saw before. Lights are up in Johnny's compartment. HE is still punching his fist into his palm.
  SAM When I see bossman like that, I know he got some devil plan in his noggin.

JOHNNY

Yup.

SAM

Some real lollapalooza devil plan.

JOHNNY

Yup, and it goes into action right now. (HE grabs a briefcase which looks exactly like Molly's. To a drum beat, HE marches out of his compartment. Lights come up in Molly's. SHE is still filing her nails. ANNIE MAY is putting the last of the clothes away. Suddenly their door swings open, and JOHNNY stomps in.) JOHNNY Okay. Where's my smackeroonies?
                                                                               (MOLLY ignores him. ANNIE MAY backs away in fear.)
You hear me, lady? You hear what I said? (HE snatches the nail file and tosses it out the imaginary window. MOLLY jumps to her feet and slaps him across the face.) MOLLY Here's one smackeroonie.
                                                       (slapping the other cheek)
And here's another. (Nonplussed, JOHNNY retreats back out the door and into his compartment. Lights remain on in both compartments.) SAM Hey, bossman. That one quick plan.

JOHNNY

                                                    (suddenly aware that the briefcase is still in his hand)
Oh, spit! (Drum beat begins again. JOHNNY stands there, furious. Then HE makes his decision. HE swaggers out of his compartment and into Molly's. MOLLY has pulled another nail file out of her purse---movie stars had a wealth of nail files in those days. JOHNNY bursts into the room. MOLLY rises, her hand poised to strike him again, but this time HE places his big palm on her face and pushes her back into the chair. Triumphantly, HE strides back to his own compartment.) ANNIE MAY That Mistuh Johnny, he sho' is some man.

MOLLY

                                                      (sensually feeling her face)
He sho' is.

JOHNNY

Everything is hunky-dory, Sam old pal, old buddy.

SAM

You is cleverest bossman in entire world. (All at once JOHNNY is aware that he still has the damned briefcase.) JOHNNY Oh, dang! Well, Sam, old buddy, I done all I could. Now it's up to you.

SAM

Me, bossman? (Lights dim in Johnny's compartment, remain on in Molly's. There is a rap on her door.) MOLLY They always come back for more. (ANNIE MAY opens the door. WAR LORD stands there. Behind his back is a briefcase just like Molly's.) WAR LORD If you please, I would like to speak to Miss Mandalay Molly.

ANNIE MAY

Missy Morry, she see no one. (From his jacket pocket, WAR LORD pulls out an enormous diamond and gold necklace and flashes it past Annie May so that MOLLY can see.) ANNIE MAY You cannot buy Missy Morry with diamonds and gord.

MOLLY

Mind your own business. (WAR LORD smiles, enters the room. MOLLY smiles back.) MOLLY                                                           (to Annie May)
Leave us. (ANNIE MAY retreats to the corridor, closes the door to the compartment.) WAR LORD That is most peculiar Chinese girl.
                                                       (proffering the necklace)
It is all right. You can trust me.

MOLLY

I'm a very trusting soul. (SHE takes the jewels coquettishly, then bites the gold part and scratches the diamonds against the mirror.) MOLLY It's real. Now what about you?

WAR LORD

Wanna bite?

MOLLY

I don't mind the biting part. It's scratching you against the mirror which worries me.

WAR LORD

Miss Mandalay Molly, my name is Wan Hung Lo.

MOLLY

What happened to the other one?

WAR LORD

I saw you when you were at the Kit Kat Club in Rangoon. I fell in love with you then and have been in love with you ever since.

MOLLY

I see. You speak softly and carry a big torch.

WAR LORD

When I heard you were on this train…

MOLLY

Word travels fast in China.

WAR LORD

I could not resist meeting you and offering a proposition.

MOLLY

You mean you could not resist propositioning me.

WAR LORD

If you put it that way. You see, I am a very wealthy…and lonely…man. I live in a very large home in Tsingtao…with a great many little servants.

MOLLY

I'd prefer a smaller home with a couple of  larger servants.

WAR LORD

(as he speaks, he keeps trying to replace Molly's briefcase with his, but is thwarted) I am all alone. I have no wife, no family. I can offer a woman of your caliber all the riches she has ever dreamed about. In return I do not as you to love me. I know that would be impossible. All I ask is maybe just a bit…a tiny morsel…of romance.
 

MOLLY

In the room upstairs,
You will find romance---
There are answered prayers
Once you remove your pants. (Suddenly the sound of Clarisse's voice overpowers that of Molly.)

CLARISSE                                         There's an antique clock there
                                        That doesn't keep time;
                                        There's a door to lock there
                                         And a wall to climb. In the room upstairs
You can really soar
On two easy chairs
Or the hardwood floor. (Now MOLLY simply mouths the words as if a sound-proof curtain had fallen. Lights come up in BARON's compartment. HE is applying the finishing touches to a complex makeup…an Oriental version of a witch, much like the witch Disney would later use in Snow White. Downstage is a briefcase which looks exactly like Molly's.) BARON Will you stop singing that accursed song?

CLARISSE

                                                          (under her breath) There is not much noise there,
Only moaning refrains… BARON                                                            (turning now to display his artistry)
Well?

CLARISSE

Wonderful, darling. You're completely unrecognizable. Except for the monocle. (Embarrassed, HE realizes his mistake and instantly removes it.) Where did you get that marvelous outfit?

BARON

A little shop in Suchow. Last week a wealthy Englishman threw a costume ball. "Come as your mate".

CLARISSE

How terribly droll. (BARON picks up a tray of egg rolls, ties the tray around his neck. CLARISSE helps him. Then he goes for the briefcase.) BARON Not only will I get the briefcase, I will also get her.
                                                     (taking one of the egg rolls and scrutinizing it)
An eggroll with cyanide.

CLARISSE

I know, darling. I injected them myself.

BARON

                                                     (suddenly clutching his stomach)
Oooh! (HE unhooks the eggroll tray, sets it down and hurries through a door which we assume is the bathroom.) CLARISSE Poor darling. He always gets nervous before a mission. (Lights rise in Johnny's compartment. HE is putting the finishing touches on a makeup for Sam which looks exactly like the one Baron wears---another Oriental witch. JOHNNY leans back to observe his masterpiece.) JOHNNY

Perfecto!

(In Molly's compartment, SHE is just finishing the pantomimed rendition of "The Room Upstairs", but now we can hear her.) MOLLY You will lose your marbles, boy,
In the room upstairs. WAR LORD I feel something stirring in my marbles right now. (HE grabs her and kisses her passionately, all the time taking surreptitious glances toward the briefcase. MOLLY succumbs with indifference.) WAR LORD You will accept my offer?

MOLLY

No. But train rides are so boring.

                                                                                (THEY fall onto the sofa in a wild embrace.)

SAM

Where you get this crazy suit, bossman?

JOHNNY

They were having this half-price sale in Suchow. Musta been a dozen of them. Thought I'd pick up one just in case. (JOHNNY places a tray of fried shrimp around Sam's neck, hands him the briefcase, then opens the door and pushes him into the corridor. In a moment, there is a knock on Molly's compartment.) WAR LORD Go away.

SAM'S VOICE

Is this compartment of Mandalay Molly?

WAR LORD

Next door. (MOLLY smiles at this audacity, as THEY return to necking. Now a knock at Baron's door. CLARISSE opens it. SHE is stunned.) SAM Buy a fried shrimp from an old lady, please?

CLARISSE

So soon? But I thought…
                                                                                (SHE glances first at the bathroom door, then to Sam.)
You are really remarkable, darling. (SHE kisses him. SAM, believing that she is Molly, since she is dressed exactly like her idol, beams. Then HE spies the briefcase.) SAM Wanna free shrimp?

CLARISSE

How could you leave with egg rolls and return with shrimp? And the briefcase. You got the briefcase! (SHE takes it from him. SAM , amazed, grabs the one Baron has left and rushes out the door.) CLARISSE Conrad, what is…?

                                                                               (Johnny's door opens now and SAM scurries in.)

SAM

I got it, bossman! I got it!

JOHNNY

Hunky-dory.

                                                                             (BARON emerges from the bathroom, surprises Clarisse.)

BARON

I am off.

CLARISSE

But you just went.

BARON

I don't mean the bathroom.

CLARISSE

Neither do I. (HE takes the briefcase Sam has left and moves into the corridor.) CLARISSE                                                              (utterly confused)
But…???!!! (In Johnny's compartment, HE opens the briefcase and sees it is stuffed with egg rolls.) JOHNNY Egg rolls? This ain't the one with the documents! You go and get the real one.

SAM

But, bossman… (JOHNNY shoves him out the door. In Molly's compartment, there is a knock.) WAR LORD I said go away!

BARON'S VOICE

Please open. I am…

WAR LORD

Mandalay Molly isn't here. She is next door. (HE smiles at Molly, SHE smiles at him. THEY return to necking. Knock on Johnny's door. JOHNNY admits Baron.) BARON Buy an egg roll from a poor lady, sir…

JOHNNY

No, thanks. Got a few of my own. You sure work fast, old buddy. Where'd you get egg rolls when you left with fried shrimp? (HE snatches the briefcase. BARON now sees something is amiss and snatches it back. JOHNNY snatches it from him. Knock on Molly's door.) WAR LORD I said GO AWAY!

                                                                               (But the door opens anyway and SAM appears.)
 

SAM

Buy fried shrimp from an old lady, please?

WAR LORD

Get out of here!

MOLLY

No, wait. Come in, old lady. (SAM steps into the room, closes the door. MOLLY goes for her purse. In Johnny's compartment, HE and BARON are still snatching the briefcase away from each other. Finally, BARON seizes it and dashes out, slamming the door behind him. Another knock on Molly's compartment.) WAR LORD Who is it now?

                                                                                (Door opens, and BARON appears.)
 

BARON

Buy an egg roll from an old lady? (BARON is disturbed at seeing War Lord, but he disguises it. He quickly notices War Lord's briefcase he is trying so hard to conceal.) MOLLY What is this…a cartel? (SAM, seeing the second witch, panics. HE spots Molly's briefcase and makes a grab for it. All hell breaks loose. BARON seizes the briefcase Sam has; WAR LORD lunges for Baron's. JOHNNY bursts into the room. HE sees the mayhem and War Lord and the four identical briefcases. HE, too, grabs for one. BARON, thinking he has the right one, dashes back to his compartment with WAR LORD, JOHNNY and SAM in pursuit. Through all this, MOLLY returns to filing her nails. Then two more Oriental witches materialize at Molly's door. They are CHANG & WANG.) CHANG & WANG Buy some spareribs from two old ladies?

MOLLY

You can get sick from appetizers on the Shanghai Express. Besides, they went that way. (SHE points in the direction of the Baron's compartment, into which the OTHERS are crowding. Briefcases are being grabbed and shoved back and forth. CLARISSE jumps on the sofa, screaming. CHANG & WANG get their putty noses and headgear pulled off.) WAR LORD Just the two witches I need!

                                                                              (CHANG and WANG seize Clarisse, thinking she is Molly.)
 

CHANG

We got her, master!

WANG

We got Mandalay Molly! (WAR LORD is too intent on securing the briefcase. CHANG and WANG begin to tie up Clarisse.) CLARISSE Conrad, help! Help me! (While all this is going on, ANNIE MAY returns to Molly's compartment.) ANNIE MAY Anythin' been happenin' since I left, Miz Molly?

MOLLY

Not a thing, Annie May. (Casually SHE slips the nail file into her purse, reaches under the seat and pulls out still another briefcase---the real one.) MOLLY But how are you at jumping off trains?
 
 

BLACKOUT