recently, for the past five minutes at least, I have been struggling, a sort of dilemma if you will, as to whether I should keep that last stuff entry up on this page. As I retrospect, that's not a verb but it should be, I realize somewhat ashamedly that I let myself pretend to feel things that were not true, or however a person should describe something of that ephemeral nature. You know, it's here and then it's not. I think that there are a lot of times that I decide something to be true and act upon it, only to soon realize that, no, that's not really how you feel. So basically, if it hasn't been basic enough for you: I feel funny for writng such things as i did those weeks back because I can vaguely remember writing it but I have totally lost and can't even remember feeling those things. I think this says more than you and I know, I'm pretending because I know what it really means, but can you catch it? If you're one of those that I'm thinking of you knew it even before you started reading...what will be will be.
On another note, just because I have lost interest in the precedings, last night I totally started to jump out of my vague and theoretical way of relating with other people. Not that I do that all the time, but it usually seems to me that when it matters most, I get all tongue tied and the things that actually do come leave me wondering if I said anything of definitive meaning at all. Not to lessen the meaning of the word, but I should like to refer to it as an epiphany of sorts. It made me feel more "real" , you know, as if I had an instant impact with my words , not just a moment where I wonder if I am talking and then find out later that yes indeed you were listening, in fact you were paying more attention than I was because you tell me how much what I said meant to you or you tell how much of an asshole I am. Am I selfish? Do I walk around in a bubble that only concerns that which is "inside" as it were? Probably not. Because this is me getting vague again, so it's probably meaningless. Back on track: I don't think that I give enough interest or time to those that offer me something. Yeah, I bet that's it. I need to look people in the eye and let them know that, I'm listening. Actually, more importantly, I need to take the initiative, to be the first one to do something like that. Why am in this situation? What has my meandering mind that attempts at such philosophizing done to me? Aye, there's the rub, as they used to say. Im done, in the words of Rosie Thomas.
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