By Jeff Booth
This is particularly ironic when most of us know what a loving, joyous, and remarkable environment the swinging community provides. We have much to be proud of, and little to be ashamed of. Like the gay community, our sexual identity makes us outsiders, and subject to criticism and a lack of understanding from the straight community. Unlike the gay community, we have done almost nothing as a community to improve the public's perception of us.
Its important to understand just how much bashing we take in the public consciousness. There has been a lot written about swinging in the last thirty years, by sexologists, psychologists, and a wide variety of sex writers. Most of the books on swinging appeared in the 1970's. These books had a strong influence on what other writers following them wrote (many of them have been quoted repeatedly by later authors), so it is important to take a look at what they were saying.
Most of what I have read is either inaccurate or dated, and predominantly negative. This is also true of most of the studies I have read. Some exceptions are found in Smith and Smith's Beyond Monogamy (Johns Hopkins University Press, 1974), and Libby and Whitehurst's Marriage and Alternatives: Exploring Intimate Relationships (Scott, Foresman and Co., 1977), both of which provide dated but accurate views of the state of swinging in the 70's. I have found little in the way of contemporary studies that reflect what swinging has evolved into in the 90's. About the only accurate book I have read written by a non-swinger is Terry Gould's remarkable and insightful The Lifestyle.
Research into swinging typically involves getting a questionnaire filled out by swingers at a specific club. This represents such a small sample of people that it is relatively useless as a source of information. A lot of written accounts and subsequent opinions about swinging come from people who have attended a single swing event as non-participating observers which they color with their own preconceptions, or from talking with a limited sampling of swingers, usually in a limited geographical area.
Another problem is that writers often rely on information from marriage counselors and psychiatrists. These groups tend to be on the conservative side and not very progressive. Most importantly, they only see people with problems. The Denfield study on swinging dropouts in the early 70's used questionnaire's from 966 marriage and family counselors. Unless these caregivers had some experience with swinging, it is only reasonable that they would project their own prejudices and misconceptions about swinging onto the problems their clients are facing. The results from these types of studies can not help but be inaccurate.
Most current books on sex, if they mention swinging at all, usually regurgitate these same erroneous conclusions, creating more a mythology about swinging than an actual representation. Add to this the natural evolution of swinging as a lifestyle as it grows and matures, and it is difficult to get an accurate picture of what swinging really is today.
I looked through dozens of books that mention swinging, and found numerous errors in their conclusions. This is important to understand, because current and future writers on swinging use these resources. In Patrick M. McGrudy Jr.'s The Love Doctors (1972), he states that swinging leads to divorce, and referring to a divorced couple, states: "For awhile, it seemed like swinging would alleviate their sex problems". Swingers know that swinging does not solve problems in a marriage, and a bad marriage will dissolve anyway, whether they get involved in swinging or not. In order to overcome the many potential obstacles in swinging, such as jealousy, insecurity, possessiveness, and societal taboos, you need a strong relationship. A committed couple still very much in love and happy with their sex life are less likely to be burdened by intense jealousy or insecurity than those who have problems in their relationship. Swinging adds to a good sex life; it is not as effective as a substitute for a bad sex life.
In Sexual Scripts, by Judith Long Laws and Pepper Schwartz (1977), the authors state that men initiate swinging and barter their wives. Men make all of the arrangements, including bisexual liaisons between their wives and other women. Swinging events are not for the women's enjoyment; they just go along with it. At parties, women do not initiate sexual interludes. They argue that in swinging women follow traditional sex role scripts. They cite the questionable Denfield dropout study, and state emphatically that women would have a hard time managing open sexuality. Talk about projecting one's own prejudices! I doubt this was completely true at the time, and it is certainly far from true now. Women are remarkably empowered in the swinging community, where their sexuality is allowed to blossom and grow. There is a saying in swinging; "Men get women involved, but the women keep them involved". There is a remarkable sense of equality between men and women in the swing community, where sexuality is not bartered, there are no artificial power positions, and everyone is after the same thing with the freedom to say yes or no to any possibility. Women can be just as horny, just as wild, just as purely sexual as any man, but few environments other than the swing community honor a woman's full sexuality.
In the landmark Heterosexuality by Masters, Johnson, and Kolodny (1994), the only mention of swinging is in a chapter on adultery where they state that the end result of involvement with swinging is typically "jealousy, anxiety, and recrimination". I guess those of us in the swinging lifestyle are simply atypical.
Even Dr. Ruth Westheimer, in any of her books where she mentions swinging, speaks from the perspective of a therapist who sees patients only because they have problems in their marriage. From her perspective, which even she admits may be flawed, swinging simply does not work and only creates problems. She has consistently denigrated swinging. She admits that she has never talked to active swingers for whom the lifestyle is an important and joyous part of their lives.
There are several other common myths that I have seen frequently repeated in the few contemporary books on sexuality that mention swinging at all. Here are a few of the most common:
1. Swinging is about impersonal sex.
In the 60's and early 70's, where people were rebelling against the extreme social pressures to conform of the 50's, there was a lot of impersonal sex going on. It was as much an act of rebellion as it was an act of sex. It was not uncommon for swingers in the 70's to go by false names, and to know nothing about the people they were having sex with. Over time, things have changed dramatically in the swing community. While there are some groups where the primary activity is climbing into an anonymous pile of bodies, that is no longer the norm, and for many swingers, it is not even a desired activity. Swinging is largely a social activity that also provides for personal growth, much along the model of the Sandstone experiment in the 70's. Most of the people in swinging are there to make friends, not just find sex partners.
2. Swinging appeals to those who have problems with intimacy.
I will be the first to admit than an all out orgy with strangers can be a very impersonal experience. That is why I, and many swingers I have met, do not find orgies particularly appealing. An orgy, unlike what most writers seem to think, is not the typical sexual experience for most swingers. This is not to say, however, that group sex can not also be intensely intimate. Intimacy is what many of the people I have talked to are looking for in swinging. While they have a loving and intimate relationship with their partner, they realize that they can expand that into having intimate, loving and caring relationships with many people. It is not of the same intensity that they find with their primary partner, nor does it carry the same level of commitment, but it opens up wonderful experiences that many feel contribute to their personal growth. Both men and women have affairs. We do not typically think of affairs as lacking intimacy or being about impersonal sex. One of the reasons they are so threatening to the spouse who later finds out is that they are intimate. Swinging provides the opportunity to be intimate with others without the inherent damage of an affair, with its foundation of deception. This is not to say that there are not people in swinging for whom intimacy is a problem. They are not the norm, though.
3. The swinging environment is a sexually competitive "meat market".
This could not be further from the truth. The swing environment is hardly competitive at all. In fact, there is a sense of camaraderie amongst people that could only be possible when sexual competition is not a factor. No one is out looking for a lifemate. There are no ulterior motives. People are there to socialize, and if they choose, have sex with people they are interested in. If a man goes off with a woman another man is interested in, so what? There are plenty of women available, and he may still have an opportunity with that women at a later time. Even if they do not meet anyone, they are in a very erotic environment and will be going home with their partner. Most of the couples I have talked to often have very hot sex together when they get home, even if they have both been playing with others that night. In swinging, you find a sex positive environment where people are supportive of other's sexual activities. Where sexual opportunities are not limited, there is no need to be competitive.
4. There is a cult of youth and surface attractiveness in swinging.
This is another one that is almost opposite of the truth. You are encouraged to expand your horizons in swinging, to expand the boundaries of what turns you on. People are encouraged to express interest in each other's bodies and in what they find erotic in another person, and people do try to dress attractively and provocatively, but what you look like has a lot less to do with your success in swinging than who you are. A distant but beautiful person will have far less success and appeal than someone with much plainer looks but who is fun to be around.
There is a cliquish hard body crowd in some groups that is only interested in people just like them, but they tend to be small in number. For the most part, if you are enjoyable to be around and have a positive attitude about yourself and your sexuality, then people will also find you fun to go to bed with. I don't even get where the cult of youth comes from. Swinging is not typically a youthful activity. Few people in their twenties have the maturity to do well in it. Maybe outside observers are confused by the fact that it helps keep us young.
5. Swingers have little outside social activity other than swinging.
I've seen this one a lot of times. Again, it is patently false, since most of the swingers I know have children, and they have many social activities that they do as a family. What the researchers fail to understand is that swinging is not just about sex, and they assume that whenever swingers get together, it is purely sexual. Swingers do make friends with each other, and they do get together in non-sexual situations. The friendships you can make are so intense that many people tend to spend less time with their old "straight" friends, preferring to do social activities with their swinging friends. There is an openness, sense of fun, and lack of need to censor yourself when you are with swinging friends that is very different from what most people experience with traditional friendships. These are real friendships, not just based on sex.
When we needed to move, it was our swinging friends who offered to help us. I've talked to a lot of people in swinging about this, and have been told many stories about when they needed help and it was always their friends in swinging who were there for them when they felt abandoned by their straight friends. Adding sexuality to a friendship creates a special bond, and this bond is an important part of the swinging lifestyle.
Few outsiders have any clue as to what our lifestyle is about. Gilbert D. Bartell, who studied some 280 swingers, said that the primary motivation of swingers is "to be popular, to have friends, to be busy". As a surface analysis, that's about as close as I have seen any researcher come, and it is still pretty far from the mark.
Clearly, the image of swingers is largely skewed to the negative. As long as that continues, we will continue to be subject to the same prejudices and the continuing harassment by law enforcement which has increased significantly this past couple of years. Swing clubs and social dances have been increasingly raided by the police. Here in California, all swing events, especially the social dances, have been targeted by the ABC (Alcohol Beverage Control), an out of control bureaucracy with no checks and balances on its authority. They also target gay venues, and have interpreted the law to give them jurisdiction over any event on the premises of a facility that has a liquor license, even if that event is not serving any alcohol. They are an exceptionally homophobic and sexaphobic organization, the modern day equivalent of Anthony Comstock.
Is there anything we can do? I believe there is. All of us who choose to live an alternative sexual lifestyle are at the same risks for bashing, police harassment, and the usurpation of our most basic freedoms. In many states, laws are in effect that allow the state to take away our children for how we love others.
The only way that we can fight for our freedoms is to band together. All of us: swingers, members of the BDSM community, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, nudists, and everyone else who does not fit society's narrow definition of what sexuality is. When we do, we will be a powerful political force.
Today, sadly, the same prejudices that we face as members of alternative lifestyle communities we also turn on each other. Many gays are prejudiced against bisexuals, swingers against BDSM practitioners and bisexual men, polyamory people against swingers, nudists against all of the aforementioned. In order for our expressions of our own sexuality to be honored, we need to learn to honor others as well. If we can't do that, how can we ever expect to win our legal rights and respect from the community at large?
(Found on the internet...expresses our feelings very well - Paul and Carissa)