Paula's Story Page
The story so far...
So where does my story start? Well, I must confess, I do have an amazing story to tell and one that many of my fellow "girls" would be quite envious of. When I was young, I lived in a house on a new private housing estate in the Midlands living quite close to a little girl about the same age as myself, let us call her Helen. At the age of six upwards, we would play together at each others houses. We got on very well and one day when I was about seven, we found our way into her mothers bedroom. Now her mother was quite slim and attractive and was an accomplished ball room dancer with many fine sparkly frocks and shoes. Anyway, this particular day we were in her bedroom by ourselves and saw an ornamental glass jar on her dressing table filled with stockings that she had worn and washed. Helen and I took some of them out and we stripped off and wore them! We also played "horses" by using them as tails tucked into our pants. After a while, Helens mother, Sue, thinking that we had been quiet for some time came upstairs to check on us. When she saw all her stocking out she was not best pleased to say the least and was horrified to see that we had been wearing them. I can remember that we had of course extensively laddered more than a few of them and so she was quite rightfully upset with us. But something else came to her attention. I had loved the feel of the stockings against my skin so much that it had aroused my sexuality and she noticed it straight away. What she did next is virtually unbelievable. Having shouted at the pair of us she took Helen downstairs and told her to play there and not come back upstairs. When she came back into her room where I had remained, she shouted at me again and said "if you want to dress as a little girl then I'll dress you as one. She then forced me to dress in her stockings, some of Helens pants and other clothes. I must have looked quite ridiculous but she then made me face her whilst she sat on the made and I had to "play" with myself. Of course, I had extreme mixed emotions. I just loved the dressing up part and my "manhood" (such that it was) made my enjoyment self-evident. But I hated "playing" with myself in front of Sue and was very embarrassed. Afterwards, she told me that she would not tell my mom what a naughty boy I had been if I was to come around again the next day. This I readily agreed to as I was extremely frightened of the situation I was in. I knew I had done wrong and I also sensed that I should not dress as a girl but I could not face the disgrace of being "outed" to my mom who was not a patient nor understanding mother. I would have been punished and punished hard so I was not about to give the game away. But I also enjoyed the dressing up "game" and was keen to do it again the next day. The next day came and I called around to see my friend Helen and play with her as usual. I cannot remember how I felt really apart from the feeling that I had done something very naughty, had been told off and was therefore a little bit embarrassed, as any child would in facing Helen's mother again. Anyway, Sue came to the door and soon put me at ease, smiling constantly and being very kind. At some time during the visit, Sue separated Helen and myself and took me upstairs into her bedroom. This time, Sue had managed to prepare for my visit and had got some of her stockings, high-heel shoes and some of Helens clothing as well for me to wear. I remember feeling so excited at this and Sue kept encouraging me saying that it was our special game, our secret and that everything would be okay. Anyway, with help from Sue I dressed in all the clothes and I was very aroused. Again Sue told me to go ahead and play with myself which I did but did not like doing it in front of her whilst she looked on. But I loved looking at myself in the mirror and the feel of the feminine clothes against my skin, especially the stockings. And so this pattern of visits would go on over the years until I was about fourteen but the character of the visits would change quite significantly as time went on. To begin with, I was encouraged to play with myself by Sue but after a few visits this stopped. Whether it was because she could see how reticent I was to do this in front of her or not I don't know but once she had stopped making me do this I felt altogether much happier with my visits to her. As my enjoyment of this part of my life increased, Sue encouraged me to wear more things. She even bought clothes especially for me. By the time I was about eleven, I was the same height and almost the same shoe size. She bought me my first bra and pants set along with a light blue suspender belt. She would allow me to wear whatever of her clothes I wanted. She had some beautiful underwear and dancing dresses which I wore whenever I wanted. In particular I can remember a lovely leopard skin bra and girdle set which I loved to wear with a pair of her mules with seamed brown stockings. She also had wigs that she would let me wear and help me to make-up. On my birthday, my twelfth if my memory serves me correct, she dressed me in her wedding dress with full make up and veil. I was thrilled with this and stayed dressed in this outfit for more than a few hours, looking at myself many times in the full length mirrors in her wardrobe doors. Just thinking about it now, the thrill of standing in a ladies boudoir, in a very feminine room, looking into her wardrobe stuffed full of dresses, blouses, skirts and shoes made your heart race just to see it. And her dressing table drawers full of lacy underwear, negligees, evening gloves, girdles and stockings was a treat. And she gave me full access to it all, nothing was "off limits." And through it all she encouraged me to wear anything that took my fancy and she was always on hand to lend a hand and helpful advice. Her ballroom dancing outfits in particular were a great joy to wear. Lots of frills, sequins and skimpy, sexy underwear and long evening gloves. Her Latin style outfits were my favourites as they exuded sexuality and made me feel so feminine. I was always lucky in that I am of medium build, baby faced, with small feet and hands with good legs and so was able to carry a feminine look off pretty well. With a wig and make-up I could look the part and loved looking at myself in the mirror when dressed. By this time, I had taken to going around even if Helen wasn't there. When she was there, it was always a risk that she would discover our secret and so Sue had to work hard to separate the two of us. Helen wasn't too bright though and was an only child and was easily distracted away but the risk of discovery was nevertheless real. But as we go older, this risk increased. Its one thing to distract a six year old quite another to distract an eleven year old which got worse as she became older. The times I loved best were when Helen was away visiting friends or staying at relatives during the school holidays (this was when my dressing visits occurred - never in term time) and I could have the run of the house to myself. This became even more enjoyable when Sue would leave me to go out shopping. Then I would promenade around the house dressed in only her underwear and shoes, striking poses in front of the mirror, safe in the knowledge that I would not be discovered. But as I got older, I became more afraid of being found out and by this time I was carrying an enormous guilt burden around with me. I knew that what I was doing was wrong but couldn't help myself. The drive to dress was too great what with all my testosterone now coursing through my veins and the high sexual buzz that dressing gave me. Increasingly, I tried to avoid going round to Sue's house and played with my other friends over the fields near my house to get away from our street. One day, I saw Sue beckoning me from her window as I tried to slink past and I pretended not to see her and ran off. That evening, as I eat my tea, I looked up and was horrified to see Sue walking down our path - a very rare event. My heart raced and I felt quite nauseous. What was she going to tell my mom? Would she "out" me? What she asked my mom was whether I could go round to her house the following afternoon to help her get some boxes down from the loft as her husband was away on business and Helen was away at her Gran's. Of course, my mom readily agreed and the next day I had to go round to see her. Of course, she did not really want any boxes shifting but wanted to find out why I was avoiding her all of a sudden. She tried to coax me to tell her but I was too embarrassed to talk to her properly, not helped by my lack of maturity, which at the age of thirteen or so is hardly surprising, really. Anyway, the upshot was that she got the message and did not beckon me again nor put pressure on me to visit. I felt more comfortable with this and resumed the visits when I felt like it but not with the same frequency. By this time I had managed to acquire and stash away a few choice items of clothing myself at home and could now carry out my fantasies in the comfort of my own home. But the real chance to break the visits came when she and her family moved house and that was the end of my visits to her. I used to see her occasionally, out shopping or around the town and we would both smile, say hello and pass the time of day, but that was all. She was a very nice lady and I did like her a lot. When I look back now, I cannot understand Sue's motivation in treating me the way she did. She never "touched" me nor did she allow me to "touch" her. The subject just never arose. She had a daughter herself who grew up to be extremely pretty and so not like my mom who was desperately disappointed to be landed with two boys instead of the girl that she craved for. Maybe she thought that if I had tendencies to dress en femme then she was doing me a favour by allowing myself the opportunity to do so that she knew would be denied to me at home. Maybe she got a sexual kick out of it but I doubt it. If she did, it was well hidden. It was simply amazing that she allowed me full rein over rifling through all her most intimate clothing. How many women do you know who would do that? Of course though, a great deal of damage had been done to me. The direct link between dressing as a girl and sex was established and this took many years to recover from. The burden of guilt that I have had to carry all these years has been enormous. It is only by my searching the Internet that I now discover just how widely the practice of dressing en femme is and that has gone a long way to assuage my guilt. My "cure" has been enforced by my realising that I must break the link in my mind between the association with sex and dressing. I subsequently refrained from any such activities, no matter how strongly I have at times felt to do so and taught myself to think "normal" heterosexual thoughts. But this has been a very difficult link to break and to a certain extent, it has meant my being in denial. Left to my own devices with no will power to change, where could it have led? I am very happily married with two daughters and do not wish to jeopardise what I have in any way and certainly, I have never wanted to live as a woman. That has never been the drive for me as I know it is with others. So how do I feel now? Well, I cannot believe my luck. For years I have been labouring under the burden of guilt thinking that I am alone in my desire to dress en femme when along comes the internet and now I realise I am far from being alone. And I don't feel guilty any more, either. True I do not have a sympathetic partner but I have enjoyed developing my other being as "Paula" and am slowly but surely getting a wardrobe of clothes together. I usually buy my clothes in large department stores such as Marks and Spencer, especially lingerie. I have figured out by referring to mail order catalogues lying around at home, like the NEXT directory, what my Woman's sizes are and then tell the shop assistants that I want to buy clothes for my wife. They then help me to select the right ones or I'll just browse and buy the goods by myself. I have bought shoes, underwear and skirts and blouses using this ruse and then hide them away in the house, away from prying eyes. I dress when I am able, either in hotels or at home when my family is away and have come a long way towards being where I want Paula to be. I have a digital camera and have taken a number of photographs of myself dressed en femme using the camera's self timer facility. These I use to pass on to other CD's I meet on the internet chat channels and also on my web site which I have with Geocities. Using information from the internet, I have also been able to construct my own very passable breast implants using lentils and a pair of old stockings. I also have a pair of silicon implants as well along with a wig. I enjoy wearing very feminine clothes and will try to achieve a great level of passability (being a Virgo I am somewhat of a perfectionist!) although I have no desire to pass as a woman per se. I positively dislike seeing "men in frocks" and cannot understand why males who dress en femme have such low expectations as to how women might dress. The style I would describe myself aspiring to is smart, smouldering and sexy. When the house is empty, I love to dress up, it takes me about an hour with all the make-up and wig and then love to walk around the house, looking at myself from every angle in mirrors. It gives me a real buzz, putting myself in contact with my feminine self. And the truth is, I look far sexier than my wife both in terms of the way I dress and walk, without it being too contrived, caricatured or explicit. I am trying to get the time to visit a dressing agency in Blackpool that has been recommended to me called Secret Ladies that will do a full makeover and provide me with whatever dress style I want for about �50 per hour. I will also get some more pictures taken of me for my web site. Many CD's borrow their wife's clothes which is okay but dangerous if she is unsympathetic (she may begin to notice things are not replaced in the same place she left them, especially make-up) and restricting if she is a different size to her partner. Most women also do not have the same style that the CD wishes to create for themselves, the truth is that CD/TV's usually aspire to a much more glamorous profile than their wife or partner. Look along the average high street in the UK and pick out women whose wardrobe or look you would want to re-create. There will not be that many, I'll bet and the chances of one of them being your wife are extremely slim. I have a lot to thank the Internet for. It has broadened my horizons, made me realise just how many "sisters" I have out there in a similar situation and have met many of them on the various chat channels that exist specifically for TV/CD's. I am very envious of younger CD's now who have access to the internet and can develop their other being in a way that I was latterly unable to. It is with interest that I see increasing legislation and press articles about cross gender issues and feel that a ball is rolling now which will continue to gain pace over the coming years. This will reflect the way that today, Gays have increasing legal rights and becoming viewed by society as more acceptable now.
