Allen's Memorial

Allen.was also a very smart Electrical Engineer (Power Supply). He graduated Salutatorian from his class. He was very proud of that accomplishment. Unfortunately, not everybody was; that weighed heavily on his mind quite often.
He was very methodical and organized.. My gosh, he was such a neat freak.... drove me nuts! Drove my kids nuts too... we would tease him all the time.

I would like to introduce to you a man I once loved. This "memorial" has changed in many ways since it's first publication. He was loved then. Now, after all this years of him being gone, I have so much anger, fury, raw pain and the many hundred of unanswered questions still lingering inside me.
If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, you MUST get help. Suicide is NOT the solution. It ripped my heart and my children's hearts.
No... don't kid yourself... Suicide is not the solution. Don't do that to those around you. We don't deserve it. Look at my children. How could they...?

Allen died once that day;
I will die a thousand times for the rest of my life each time I remember.

Allen was born March 9, 1962. He went to be with God November 22, 2001.
Allen suffered from major depression and decided to leave this world.

He was very handsome. He didn't think so,
but I told him often. He grew his mustache for me :o) Allen had been married once before.

But, we also had our down times;
Still, I just couldn't abandon him:
I LOVED HIM. And in the end, I HATE HIM.

People tell me to forgive. How do you forgive someone who is no longer here?

Someone who is not asking to be forgiven?? Can anybody please tell me?

I tried to teach him the freedom of dancing in the rain; the wonder of a full moon; the road back to God; NOTHING HELPED..
All I know 100% is that I tried my best to help him. Of that I am sure.

Allen and my kids got along very well. Sometimes they would drive him crazy with their childhood desorganization (remember he is a neat freak?), so I would jump in. Allen loved piling up everybody in my bed and watching movies. My children loved their special friend. He did a lot with them & for them too. Allen used to say he did not like my pets: yeah, right! he was the one who played with my cat all the time. Once my dog ran away; Allen to the rescue!! He drove over to my neighborhood calling him... we found him after a while... yeah, he did NOT like my pets!

Allen was my best friend, and I believed I was his. We shared so much...things we never shared before with a single person in this world. Unfortunately, Allen learned to put on a mask of "everything's alright" around people. He was mostly fine with everybody, but he would share with me his despair; he would confide in me things he could not share with anybody else. I was honored that he trusted me that much, but I also knew that this carried a great responsibility

I talked him into treatment; hesitantly he agreed but it was already too late... he had already given up.
I tried so hard to help him, to be there for him, but ultimately, nothing worked. All I know is that he knew how much we loved him. Thank God he knew. Still, that wasn't enough. I believe I saved him many times, but I did not know that in time, the day would come in which I couldn't save him from himself.

This picture (above right)... that day we'd taken the kids to a zoo (his idea, mind you! considering he was a bachellor-no kids- I was very surprised and grateful he enjoyed my kids too ). That day was very warm, we were so tired..we don't look too hot, do we? :o)

I never thought he would actually attend a little girl's Halloween Party. He enthusiastically dressed up for my little daughter Chelsea's Halloween party. We had a great time! I was Little Red Riding Hood & he was the big bad wolf.

Allen attended my son Kevin's viola concert one day for 4 hours, mind you... in the heat of September (in Texas):
the A/C in the school cafeteria broke down!! He wanted to kill me, he cursed in private, he puffed and he sweated, but he stayed until the end: He knew how important this was for Kevin.

Believe it or not, Allen did great at children's parties... ha ha ha!!
He participated in my children's activities too, imagine that! (that's hard to believe to anyone but us).

It was hard to explain to the children what happened, I didn't understand it myself. Probably the hardest thing a mother would have to explain to her children. They loved Allen and they were devastated. They could not believe he would "do this to all of us." They wished they could have talked to him, helped him. They felt so helpless and guilty. They also had to deal with the fact that I had to be hospitalized for a week. You see, I was the one who found him. I just wanted to die.
My son would not take NO for an answer regarding Allen's funeral. He wanted to go because "He was my friend too, Mom." With tears in his eyes he approached Allen and cried and prayed.

My daughter did not even cry until after a week or so, and when she finally did, it was an explosion
of sadness and pain. She loved him too. He helped her with her first fish catch.

I thought he loved me. His "best friend" told me he did not. That I meant nothing. Maybe I didn't, maybe I did. In the end, he is gone and my life will never be the same. He destroyed a beautiful part of me and my children's lives. God has restored us but still... forever we will feel the brutal phantom pains of a violent amputation of the heart.

Allen was born in Virginia, but moved to Texas when he was very young.

Unfortunately, he lost his father at a very young age.
That was a major crush in his life.

We had some happy and silly times.
He told me once:

"You tried so hard to get me to see the world through your eyes, but you can't make a blind man see."
We did have our good times. Thank God
for those times!

This is a recount of Allen's life... the way I remember it...

email me at:

If you are a survivor of suicide:
If you lost a loved one to suicide:

This memorial is a tool to help me heal.
If it is offensive in any way, I apologize.
That was never my intention.

No. Don't kid yourself. We don't get over it. And, if you are the "lucky" one to find your loved one dead (like I did), not a day will go by when you don't remember. Even after many years... No. We don't get over it. Never will.

How could anyone do that to their loved ones? That will remain unanswered until we meet again. Are they cowards? Are they the bravest? Who knows....

Allen's Memorial