This was written in 1999/2000. As I wrote that line, today is March 21, 2006.

I don�t remember much of my childhood before I was 15 or 16. I know that I was the kid in school that everybody picked on. They made fun of my name (Ladouceur), my size, appearance, anything. Only the french teacher could say my name right. I had rotten teeth and they made jokes about that. Then I had to have most of my teeth pulled and wear glasses when I was 11. That just added more fuel to the fire. The only friends I had were the other outcasts - scabs we were called. Kids always wanted to beat me up �just because�. So, trying to find some way to feel good about myself, I excelled in school. Not in every subject but I was pretty good at science and in math I was the best. I was always embarrassed when I had to get an award because even the teachers couldn�t say my name right and the kids would laugh. So I hated school. I was always looking for approval, for love. I never found it in school.

I know we moved a lot when I was a kid. Dad was an alcoholic first and electrician second and mom was a Registered Nurse. I have a sister that is 16 months younger than me. She was the favorite. I always knew it and mom didn�t admit it even to herself until many years later. Mom took us to a Catholic church when we were little. I didn�t like going to church because the incense made me feel sick. I have pictures showing me in my first communion outfit. I looked like a little angel. I remember going for Confirmation. I don�t know when we stopped going to church, I just know we did.

One of the houses we lived in for a few years did not have plumbing or central heating. We had to heat the bath water with an electric immersible heater and fill the tub one potfull at a time. The tub looked like a horse trough and was kept in the bedroom that my sister and I sometimes shared. There wasn�t a bathroom in the house. Dad rigged up something we could use and that�s about as far as I�ll go with that. The house was heated with an oil heater that dad would light in the morning. There was always people over who were members of various bands because dad was a singer and knew a lot of them. So I grew up singing. And they did a lot of drinking.

We moved out of that house and into a �real� one when I was 12. Dad lost most of his customers as he didn�t let them know we were moving. He started drinking more and eventually lost a lot of his friends. A few stuck around. When customers did come looking for their stuff, he would hide and tell me or my sister to tell them a lie. After a while, I refused to lie for him. He used to accuse mom of having affairs because she would get called out at all hours of the night being an on-call nurse. He would tell me that she was screwing around on him. I never believed him.

I remember I had my first boyfriend when I was 15. I also remember that dad always had us followed. I remember that when I was around 13 or 14 he accused me of �messing� around because I was not home much. Like he was jealous. I didn�t even have a boyfriend, or girlfriends. I was always by myself. What I was doing every time I went out was going to the matinee. Anything was better than staying at home. I don�t remember ever feeling love for him. I only remember hating him.

We left him when I was 16. One of his friends helped us move. I only saw dad once (in the hospital) before my wedding. He was supposed to walk me down the isle but he was drunk, so at the list minute I asked one of my uncles. Then I didn�t see dad until my son was one and we were moving west. After that, I never saw him again. He died 10 or more years ago. Mom has told me since, that we left because he had told her that he felt it was his duty to initiate his daughters into sex. I remember he always had pornographic magazines. I remember once that he walked in on me when I was in the bathroom. He knew I was in there. I remember him telling off-color jokes or saying suggestive / inappropriate stuff when I was around 13. Because of all that, and the fact that I don�t remember a lot of my childhood, I wonder if I was abused. I wonder if I�ll ever know for sure.

When I was 16, a group called the Smite Singers came to my high school. I don�t remember much. They must have had testimonies and witnessed to us. Anyway, �shy, hide-in-the-corner me� was compelled to talk with them after the concert and the ones I spoke with told me that they were staying at a newly built Baptist church. This church was between the school and my home. They invited me to come by on my way home after school, so I did. I gave my life to Christ on the front steps of that church. It was a battle for my soul. Satan did not want to give me up. I could feel the fight. My whole body was shaking uncontrollably but I managed to get the words out and then the shaking stopped. I was on fire for God. I went home and told my mom and sister what happened. I can�t remember if it was that night or if they waited until Sunday, but we all went to church together and when the preacher gave the altar call, they both went forward. We started attending that church on a regular basis and attended bible class at one of the couple�s homes. We were all baptized in that church as well.

I regret to say that I didn�t live the Christian life very long. We went to visit my Grandfather and Uncle in Boston and I met a guy there. A couple weeks later he came up to Ontario to visit me. I ended up going back with him and stayed with my grandpa and uncle for two months. I lost my virginity that year. We broke up and mom came down to bring me back home. A while later I met the man I would marry. He was not a Christian either and to this day does not believe Christianity is the only true way to God. He believes Christianity is a cult like all the others. He believes in the existence of a God or Gods, Jesus, Satan, Heaven and Hell, but does not believe in the Bible.

The church never tried to counsel me on what I was doing wrong when I first moved in with him. They just kicked me out. I was bitter. He was in the military and we were married 1 year and 3 months after we met. In my opinion he is an alcoholic but won�t admit it and blames his drinking on everybody else. He lost his license for a year and I think now that he doesn�t drive if he�s had too many. I had my first child in Quebec when I was 23 and my second in Kindersley, SK when I was 26. He was gone for Alex�s 1st and 2nd birthdays. He was gone when I was pregnant with Crystal but I got so stressed that they sent him back to be with me for the delivery. He was gone a lot. I was unable to handle it. During the 14 years that we were together I had two affairs and was promiscuous. He knew but never said anything. I don�t know why. He was never physically abusive but he was emotionally and verbally abusive. We fought a lot about money and other things. I left him and the kids in 1994. I needed space. I thought I would be happy all by myself. And I was, except for the kids. I really missed them but was so confused and didn�t know what to do. We both had to claim bankruptcy. Three months after I left, he took the kids and moved to another city because I had started seeing somebody else, which didn�t last. I was devastated but didn�t know what to do. Hindsight is 20 / 20. Regrets, regrets.

Crystal had come to live with me when she was around 11. She became very verbally abusive towards me. I tried to help her and eventually told her that if she didn�t change she would have to go back to her dad. That summer she went back to her dad. When Alex was 15, dad kicked him out. He came to live with me the month of his 16th birthday. Through the next 1� years he skipped most of school and never got a job. We fought a lot. He was also very abusive and threatened to kill me 3 or 4 times. He was addicted to the computer and would fly into rages when it wouldn�t do what he wanted. He is very smart when it comes to computers (really) and it would frustrate him to no end. He threatened to throw it off the balcony a couple times. Finally I had enough. Again, hindsight is 20/20. I took him to the Youth Emergency Shelter. After a few days he said he was going to run away from there and live on the streets. I couldn�t stand thinking about that so I let him come back. A while later he was back in the shelter. This time I had the police take him.

On October 7, 1998, I was going to a Celebrant Singers concert and passed his school. He was waiting for a bus. I asked if he wanted to come with me and he said sure. Anything was better than going back to the shelter. It was at this concert that he became a Christian. He came back home that night. For a while he was good, but soon went back to his old habits. I do believe that his conversion was real. When Crystal was 13 she came to live with us. She became a Christian the summer of the same year that Alex did. I had to get a townhouse for us. Three days after we moved in, I was out and when I came home the police were there. Alex had threatened Crystal with a knife. He was 17 and she was 14. We had him arrested for assault. For the next year he was in secure treatment, group homes and then by himself. Social Services ran out and he went down to Calgary to get work this past October. He didn�t last long there. Meanwhile, Crystal and I moved back into an apartment and she got in with some bad friends. One of them eventually got picked up for prostitution. She decided to move back with her dad this past summer.

Alex is living with me again because his dad's girlfriend and her daughters moved in and there was a lot of friction. He has changed a lot - got a full time job in January and moved into his own apartment in April. Crystal, meanwhile, believes that she has multiple personalities. I believe she�s right. I believe I have seen them. I can trace her major mood swings back to when she lived with me the first time. She would come at me with fists clenched and face red, she was so mad. About what? I don�t know. Since this summer she has experimented with sex and marijuana. She is also smoking. Says she has since she was 9. She says her dad lets the kids drink if they are at home. She has dyed her hair blue, green, pink, went back to blond and now its black. She got a tongue ring for Christmas one year and now has two of them. She has finally agreed to counseling and I sure hope it helps. I�m going to get some myself too. She doesn�t even want me to talk about God anymore. She says her other personalities are not Christian and that she doesn�t believe in God anymore either. She says He�s sexist.

Going back to four years ago, I met the man who would lead me back to the church. He was a recovering alcoholic. He took me to his church and within a few months I had rededicated my life to Christ. I became obsessed with wanting to learn everything that I could. I have read a lot of books including most of the bible. After three years we broke up because he was abusive, controlling and vengeful. We had been sexually active and I had told him that I was not going to do that any more. He was standing in my way of moving forward in my relationship with God. He, at one point said, �What relationship�.

Ever since coming back to God I have strived to be the best I can be. I certainly haven�t been perfect. I finally got my divorce in November 2001. I started dating another man in 2000. He became a Christian in October of 2001. We broke up in March 2002 as I believe God was guiding me to move to Calgary to be with Crystal. That�s where I am now.

I am sure that if God was not leading my life (when I let Him, that is) I would have gone crazy by now. Without His love and shoulder to cry on, I�d be lost. I looked up Grace in the dictionary. It said �God�s free and undeserved favor to, and love for, mankind; the influence of God operating in man to improve or strengthen him; the condition of being influenced and favored by God�. He stayed with me all those years that I walked away from Him. He didn�t stop loving me and he protected me in more ways than I will probably every know. Without His grace I believe I would be dead. Either by my own hand or someone else�s. Even though I behaved the way I did for so many years, He still chose to use me to lead many people to Jesus. I hope He�ll keep using me that way, and in the choir.

Through everything that has happened in my life, God�s grace has gotten me through. Ask yourself, where would you be without His grace? Without His love? And if all we had to do was be good to get to Heaven, then why did Jesus have to die on the cross? Do you know that ours is the only God that made a sacrifice for His children? And ours is the only �living� God. If you haven�t yet, accept God�s gift of Grace today. He�s waiting.

God's gift. His gift was Jesus' death on the cross for our sins because He knew we would never be able to attain righteousness without it. If you believe that you only have to be a good and nice person to get to Heaven, then why did Christ have to die on the cross. He had to die because we will never be able to be good enough. Like a gift you get from a friend... Have you really accepted it if you just throw it in the basement or in the back of your closet? No. You have to open it and use it to say that you have accepted it. If you don't open it, you don't even know what the gift is. If you don't choose Christ, you have chosen Satan by default. There are only two choices ... Jesus or Satan. Who do you choose today?

Ok, so now its March of 2006. I haven't worked on my website for a long time. And I've fallen further from God again. When will I ever learn. I pray that this time I will stay on the correct path. Crystal says she believes in God and believes she is still a Christian, but doesn't live it. Alex says he doesn't believe in God anymore because his life has been so crappy for him. I guess I've been a pretty crappy example to my kids. Well things are going to change. Starting now.