Craigs stag weak
Monday 3rd
The Mini Bus to airport failed to arrive and a substitute was sent. This was a good start. We had screaming Lord Sutch junior at check in but Rob and Trevor where allocated extra legroom seats. Joined the plane and Colin senior took the odd aisle seat. This was with the family of six and included Lord Sutch junior who was still screaming. Colin senior had the best upgrade and was moved to fire exit seat with stacks of leg room, whilst Rob and Tevor left the plane bowlegged as they had no extra space.
Arrived Magaloff at 7-30P.M. for the BIG OFF.
What does one say about the accommodation, clean, first floor suite with lounge, kitchen area, bathroom and balcony. Small, compact & basic, served by two lifts and a shitty staircase. (Well it was one night) I must underline the word BASIC.
Well we ventured straight out for BEER and SEX. Got plenty of offers on the Beer front, Cum into my bar and;Free shots and Free champagne(well they said it was). The sex was non exsistant. Magapoof had a ratio of 5 boys to every girl, from the footie crowds to the poofie crowds. Still it kept Craig on the straight and narrow, and all of us lads as well. First bar we struck lucky and met Queen Mother Rebecca on her Hen Party. (God only knows why? she went as the Queen Mum who had recently died) The rest of the Hen Party where all in different attire but all stone dead, so we moved on. Finished up at the end of the Strip, (Please tell me why? Its a strip) Finished up at top end for a final nightcap that was ruined by the Welsh girls doing Karaoke. One of them made a right big boob of it. Well the boob was alright the singing was awful. Proceeded home for an early night at 3-30 A.M. It must have been the Welsh Choir that inspired Bruce to make a piece of Spain forever England. In the early hours some of us were awoken by the Northerners having a pool dip and hearing the immortal words Get out of my fucking pool
Tuesday arrived
We had 100% turnout for breakfast at 11-30 as we didnt want to miss the day. The weather was excellently wet so we dampened our insides with drink and played Chase the Ace. Think it will be a lifetime for Bruce to understand the game with one card, ha ha. A siesta about 5-00 to 8-30ish started a habit which we made a stag group habit. Brothers United, Kindred thoughts etc. We also made it a habit to PULL GIRLS. That is pull them towards Craig for a photo shot before they disappeared inside the walls of men that were everywhere. Colin met Julia, a ex work friend from Argos and formulated the idea of a Kissogram for Craig. The Bar Manager even had a difficult job to arrange this (or find someone )but could do so at 6-30 to 8-30, however our siesta time was sacred to us. Craig posed with a willing girl from Bannas Night Club in a bikini. Wether it was Craigs magnetic charms or the fact she was the barmaid selling drinks at rip off prices, one never knows. Nothing else got ripped off !! except the money in our pockets. We carried on our tour, and some of us even had our first non achoholic shot called as I recall a sling shot. Craig has the video for non believers. Craig retired at 3-30 for an early night & the rest drank to absent friends until 4-30.
Wednesday begins
For those who made it at 12-30 where Craig carried on the Card Game over breakfast. The afternoon was spent around the pool. This was especially recalled for the Minstral Winds that blew up, mind you if these are Minstral Gusts what does one call the Hurricane Force Smelly Gale that was constantly being passed by a person who I promised would be nameless. (I always keep my promises Rob, honest). Siesta time arrived and it was impossible to tuck Rob in, we was going to peg him down, but the pegs were being used for our noses. A very big shower was producedfrom a set of lads who are beginning to feel jaded.The very much smaller shower outside produced a fantastic rainbow. Evening meal was in the open air, thank god for freash air, at Mambos. Fawlty Towers had nothing on this place, the entertainment was first class. Adam Ant made a guest appearance on Craigs Meal, the waitress took the part of a magician & Jays Lasagne kept being named as an invisible Kebab. A halt was called by Colin when she made his beer disappear. It is then we met Lewis the manager (Im not convinced he managed anything except the ability to provide free drinks.) Free drinks all round and then cumming back with cocktails (well thats what it looked like, ha ha) The final bill of 50 Euros showed 7 meals for the price of 5 was accepted and we agreed that we would return. I didnt realize that the drink must have clouded our judgement as the return visit was just as bad. Carried on visiting some 15 or 20 different bars & still pulling birds. One such pull was Penny, Cindy & Gemma (P.C.G.) not sure if they came easily to our pulls or was it the arm locks. Penny had just broken off her marriage & was on holiday to forget. Did a nightclub where the majority of people walked. They just kept squeezing past not to get anywhere, just for the fun of walking. And so onto a bar with the boys & PCG. Colin stepped in to remind Craig of his future marriage and formed a singing duet with Cindy, &The two CCs and with heart, emotion, love & passion sang My heart will go on Craigs wedding song. I accept that heart, love, emotion & passion spell HELP and acknowledge the comments about giving others a chance in life singing in front of a microphone. (I am available for bar clearance work). Still it did remind Craig of the forthcoming wedding, bless him. Dropped the only three girls wed had dialouge with, or did they drop us?. The brave ones amongst us went skinny dipping. There wasnt much to see, even less to see when we came out of the water at 5-00, ready for bed.
Thursday already
The dawn of a beautiful sunny, the sun twinkling on the swimming pool, with God removing the clouds, and alls well with the world. Peace on earth. Why did God spoil it with the horrible smell. One needed a 200 yard exclusion zone away from the rooms. Was it the drains, was it the compost, No it was superman actually in the lifelike form of Rob who spent the rest of the day in bed, thank goodness. So a few managed breakfast at 1-00 ready for afternoon on beach. I thought wed picked the all male beach until one realised the entire coastal resort was made up of two girls to 50 males with some poofs mixed in. Please dear reader do not get confused, Mascaline Rob can never be described as a poof more like wind force 10 on the beaufort scale. Oh dear I am getting confused!! about poofs I subject I know very little about. Colin read in the shade before we topped up our achohol levels before siesta. A quiet evening meal that was so newsworthy I did.nt make notes on & so back onto the strip. It is in one of the bars I now know that Craig was short measured in his drinks. I digress to consult my dictionary. 20 fluid ozs is a pint & 2 pints are a quart. With 4 quarts making up a gallon & 2 gallons making a peck. Well Craig defiantly didnt get a peck, and so say all of us. Between 8 & 9 gallons is a Firkin, Craig was defiantly shortmeasured when he went onto the Firkin Menthols, a cocktail that was squeezed into a pint glass. It was a handy break away from the heavy drinkers for Colin & Craig to meet Kevin at 12-30 and return to Bannas where we met Lewis again for free drinks, shots & champagne. How on earth did we consider Karan as a possible kissogram. She was small in all departments, okay with the height at 4ft 11 this was acceptable but the beer cap on my Bud was bigger than her Bud (and she drank wine). One accepts that the choices were limited and the achohol was kicking in for most of us, but it has been noted that sober Kevin exchanged phone numbers with her. Lucky for some! (Thats Lucky for some who didnt get it). Does one think it was the heavy rain that shrunk them? Back to the luxury apartment block where Craig met Donnah. A real tasty bit of stuff was Donnah. He went back to the room with Donnah whilst nudge, nudge we went for a drink. It was nudge nudge as we all had a job standing. Craig threw Donnah out more than once through the night & was still throwing it out in the morning. So be warned one and all about Donnah Kebab. Us lads pulled two girls from ta wet tee shirt competition and took them for a drink. Not just wet tee shirts but wet everything from the heavy rain. They was just as wet to talk to, but that couldnt have been the rain. The bedraggled girls left us drinking and went home. I hasten to add it wasnt us who made them bedraggled. And so closed ones eyes at 5-00 listening to the rain and Craig throwing out Donnah. It had started so well.
Fragile Friday arrived for some of us.
We are now down to three for breakfast, the two Colins Kevin, from here we went separate ways. Colin junior went on the beach and was joined by the lads. Colin senior went to a bar and watched England play Argentinia. Kevin went afar in his hire car to visit friends the other side of the island. Craig looked over the site at Waterloo ( leave you to work that out). The towns female population doubled in the form of female police officers to control any trouble during the match..Siesta today started at 7-00 before going to Italian restraunt. Colin senior had a T-Bone steak and along with rest of the boys a better classs of meal was served at 15 Euros per head with drinks. We needed a groom for the evening of drinking & a very big hand has to be given to Trevor for being promoted to substitute at very short notice. Well at over 6ft and muscles to match one one doesnt dispute the choice. With the Foam Party to cum the night looked very promising! at our first drinking hole. Well most of them were holes, sticky floors, dirty, wet toilets and dirty glasses and thats the better ones. Well the first drinking hostal we pulled a Hen Party for all of 5 minutes (no I exaggerate, about 3 minutes) where wed met Rebecca 4 days before. The hens left with haste and I dont remember any photos but they left a momento, Super Scottish Great Gran. I know Scots talk fast but we received her life story spanning some 50 years plus, well within 5 minutes ( no I exaggerate again could have been 4 minutes). She gave her love blessings to Trevor & all the bests to Colin senior. She must have heard Colin senior sing ;My heart will go on, and on, and on, until even we started to believe her best wishes. No one had the heart to tell her that Trev was only a stand in, so if you read this Scottish lass your kind words have been passed on.. So onto the Foam Party, with free Bud, Free tee shirt, Foam and lots of groovy chicks in bikinis this promised to be a big night. BCM, the nightclub did there best on keeping costs down, on the overpriced entry tickets, by serving the Bud in waxed paper coca cola cups. This was where all the foam was, on top of our beer. The free Tee shirt was a cotton version of a sandwich board. It was gone midnight and everthing was swinging & groovy for the 20 odd people in the club, built for in excess of 1,000 people. Still one could move around. I remember thinking back to Sarahs 5th Birthday were she blew out the candles and made the top of the cake wet (from spit). We all ate the cake it was mega more exciting than BCM with the non existant foam that wasnt going to start until 3-00. Think it was Super Trev that finally got a response from Mr Thicko the doorman on how to gain re-entry. More money changed hands to leave the club with an invisible mark on your hand. Money well worth spending to get out. And so onto Bananas nightclub although how we got here my brain does;nt recall. My maths into adding up how many drinks wed had reached the level of the boys ( from 3 apples, you take 1 apple, what have you got? Answer 2 apples honest). However it wasnt apples that Eve was tempting Trevor with but 10 Euros, we gave her the groom and father of the bride story. If Colin senior had not been there as a birth control method I think her hands would have wandered further. Not Miss World material and her Garden of Eden being the nightclub it was an acceptable bribe, especially seeing the lighting was poor, ha ha. and we was desperate. Now awaiting the wet tee shirt competition that kept being put back in time as the night progressed and when the rumour went round that the Scottish Kissogram lass may be doing it, with her terrible chest complaint, it seemed cruel to subject her to a wet tee shirt. Also with nothing worth seeing even if we had a breast enlarging machine with us, we moved back to BCM Foam party. The foam dome was approx 7ft tall approx 8ft across at its maximum height, whilst the main disco floor had a covering some 2 feet deep. The place was buzzing with at least 50 people.and included 5 girls, yippee. The foam does wonders for cleaning ones footwear and is to be recommended, although buying a new pair would be a lot cheaper. If you also used the foam as a laundrette for soiled underwear then you might break even. Nobody gets drunk here unless they come with a Securicor van loaded with money. So it was onto the Kebabs & promoting our substitute groom with bed at 6-30
Sunny Saturday arrived
Craig joined us all for breakfast at 12-15 and we had a quiet siesta straight after. Kevin met his breakfast again before we went on the beach at 3-10. It was very hot although Colin juniors nipples were hard on the beach. Craig started digging a hole but this was his downfall. Take it like a man not like a monkey was heard. Bruce did a fantastic tackle on Craig, although it was evident that Craigs tackle wasnt as good.as seen later. We talked Craig into the hole he had dug whilst Bruce also felt the urge over the hole. What a bummer. A photograph session in the sea to wash off sand resulted in Craigs trunks doing a disappearing act. Craig was in the water long after we retired to sunbathe, perhaps he had a hard on ..that is hard time cumming out ha ha. He eventually was given a Flip Flop with more emphasis on the flop. Lots of photos of Craig in the sea with strangers walking along the shore was possible in the one hour time slot. Eventually a dash for the towel was done and the trunks some 200 yards away recovered. A visit to the bar was called for and it has been noted that whereas Trev was tempted for 10 Euros Jay would do it for a Penny. We met Penny in the bar & she brought Colin senior a drink. Steady Tigar. The evening meal after siesta does;nt warrant a big mention as it was in Mambos again. Robs cracked glass, Trevors hot beer mug and Craigs T-Bone with a jacket spud arrived sitting on a plate of chips. They even managed to not charge us for a round of drinks. Fawlty Towers cannot be better than this. The waitress nearly fell over herself, she was big, but as a waitress was useless. More top ups during the evening resulted in Craig & Colin senior having an early night at 3-00. whilst the others stayed up for the big fight, Tyson v Lewis
By Sunday
The pace is beginning to tell on Colin senior and he missed breakfast for the first time and took on Kevins offer of a ride out in hire car. Left the boys preparing for beach, not too sure what they did? Kevin and Colin senior set off inland & did a market and finished up in Salloo on the north side of island. A non alchoholic brunch was very welcome and we made the station in time to see the 2-00 train/tram depart for Palma. This was a three carriage San Fransico style tram over the mountains to the capital and would have been nice to do. We settled for the 0.75 Euro trip down to quiet harbour some 6 miles away. To walk in a town without being mugged by drink touts was a welcome change. After siesta we all went to Robinson Crusoes for a meal. Colin seniors Garlic bread arrived as a plate chips so things do not improve. Lots of cheap junkie shops in Malapoof with no decent shops to purchase a decent present & time is running out. So we carried on drinking. Craig went for an early night about 1-00 & missed the big fight. One could say the fighters were really shuttered. An early night was had by all at 4-30 with Rob as the stand in Groom.
Monday was a scorcher
And its our day to go home. Trev and Rob missed breakfast. You missed the stripper boys and so did we ha ha. The lads stayed by pool whilst Craig, Kevin and Colin senior returned the hire car to the airport via the shops in Palma.
So we hope you had a holiday to remember Craig. You got off lightly. On a personel note I wish to thank the younger ones on the welcome I had. Great set of lads, Thankyou.
Regards Colin senior
