September Part 3

My thoughts on my diet are as follows. I am doing well, although I could be doing better (I am sure we all say that a time or two) I really need to focus on exercise now, I am not getting enough in with just my walking. With the pool being closed right now I have not been able to go to my water aerobics class, I still dance but… Not four times a week like I was. (I think I was just a little to old for the teeny bobbers I was with LOL oh but it was fun!) I should probably go back more often. But all those young girls, looking well a heck of a lot better than I am, is kind of frustrating. LOL. I have been eating all right, but still could be better on that.

I am sure most of you think I should get off my butt and join a program but. Living where I live the only tops meeting is Thursday afternoon (when most of us are WORKING). The nearest weight watchers is an hours drive (I don't drive so a long bus ride). There is not even an office by my work that I could go weigh in at during lunch (I only get 30 minutes) and they are soooo expensive. I know I know excuses excuses right. Sorry but it is true.

So here I am alone. Well not completely alone I have friends and family a cyber as well to support me so it all helps along the way. I am sure with a program to be accountable to I would be doing better though.

I am living thought Curtis sleep over so far, a little rambunctious but I can handle it *Pat pulling her hair out* I think I can actually make it till tomorrow though.

Well I lost 2 more pounds! I am pretty happy about that. I have to incorporate more than walking into my routine now though, and I think while I am feeling confident is a good time to do it. So I am adding my exercise bike and weights into my workouts as well. That will hopefully help me along the way. I have been doing well at my water too, and I am sure that is helping me as well. I walked for 45 minutes today, did 5 minutes on my bike and 1 hour of dancing, no weights today though., Will try them later tonight or Tomorrow. I can do this. I know I can. I am certainly feeling more myself today as well. That makes all the difference in the world believe me.

I did set some goals for this week, I have them written somewhere honestly. Eat Fruit, and Veggies walk at least 45 minutes a day, and get my water in, which I might say has been going rather well. Oh Yes another goal was to lose 3 lbs this week and be under 200 again. WOW that would be nice. That is my first mini goal so… It would be nice to hit it sooner than later right? I did walk today, I was going to do my bike but time escaped me for some silly reason.

Tuesday boy the week is going fast, and I am a water machine LOL I have been doing great on it. I am so proud of myself, Hopefully I can keep it up. All and All since I restarted my site, and my diet, September 1 2001 I have been doing well. Oh there have been a couple of set backs, but nothing I could not handle, and I have had a loss each week so… I can't have done that badly. I do think I need to actually eat breakfast though. I just can't I hate eating too early it makes me ill sometimes. But a piece of toast or a banana or something has got to do the trick, and get the metabolism going right? I hope so. That will be a hard adjustment for me that is for sure. As I have mentioned before I run my own Weight Loss support group through Yahoo Called Diet_Talk (If you are interested go back to the main page and there is a subscription box there. That helps as well. Each night I post my eats and daily thoughts there, and get good feed back from the group or a kick in the butt where needed. Sometimes we all need that.

Wednesday already. Seems like it should be Monday LOL. Funny how some weeks are like that. Some seem sooo slow. I am doing well, and making all my goals so far, of the water, walking, fruit, veggies, no pop or no junk. It has not been easy though, there are times I thought I would crack but somehow I did it, and made it through. I don't know if it was determination, or will power, or what. But I am glad I made it though.

I also got my monthly visitor today. I was so upset. We have been trying for a long time to have another baby and it just isn't happening. Sometimes I just want to give up. Just like I do dieting when I have a bad week. But I have to keep going have to trudge on. That is what makes us stronger, and makes us the people we are today. September has gone by so fast that is for sure. Seems like only yesterday it was the first day of school. Now the month is gone. Where did it go?

All in all I think it has been a good month for me, I have lost 7 lbs. so far, and that is a good number to be at. Who knows if I will lose tomorrow. Generally I gain weight when I get AF. So I will find out in the morning. I am keeping my fingers crossed, though, even 1 lb. Would be nice. It is funny how no one ever wants to lose just 1 lb. it is always 5, 10, 20… But I would be happy with 1 right now.

Sometimes I worry that losing weight will change the person I am. I know that probably sounds really nuts to most of you, but I like the person I am. I don't want to change me. I don’t want to lose my attitude, or my humor, or my disposition. But doesn't that come with the whole weight loss package.? I knew someone that lost weight and she just turned plain mean, to people she had known all her life, even her husband, and I really don't want to do that. I guess it is all in the attitude? I hope so because other than being over weight, I am happy being me. Does that make sense?

 September 29 2001

There is nothing out there or in me, that makes me different from the millions of other men, and woman who are currently dieting. There is not magic button, that you can push to have all the will power and all the energy in the world. Sometimes it is frustrating, to other people succeeding faster than I. I find myself wondering what they have that I don't. What secret key they found to unlock the mysteries of dieting.

Each of us is a unique individual. Something that is not duplicated through out our lives. We all have different things that set off our downward spirals, and no one is better than anyone else. There is not miracle drug, or diet, or equipment, which can change each person in the world, and make them their perfect body weight. It is by choice that we start or end our journeys, It is by choice we cheat or don't. It is our choice our lives. But is it. Emotions can make me eat out of control, without me even realizing. I don't think. I don’t say to myself that I am going to eat 10 bags of chips I do it, and I don't think. I don't think about how I am going to feel after or how I feel while I am doing it. Sometimes I don't realize what I have done, until I am sitting in the aftermath.

Yet constantly Journeys are ended, and new ones begun. Constantly we give up, and learn to live to the fullest as an over weight person. But I recently realized that there are woman out there, who struggle for years to have one gift. The gift of a child. My husband and I have been trying to have another child for over 17 months, with no luck. Each month it is hard. I recently joined a group for mothers who are experiencing infertility after 1 or more births. Month after month these woman are strong, and give me the courage to keep going. There are times I have wanted to give up, and resort myself to 1 child. But their words and understanding motivate me, to look deeper inside myself and find the drive to continue. It still hurts each month when it doesn't happen, but I stand tall and move on.

The point is, these women continue for years, trying to create the miracle of Life. Yet after a few months I am willing to give up the diet journey. That sounds awful. I can't give up. When I thought about just being me for the rest of life the other week. I took comfort in their words. Although their words were encouragement were for my husband and I to continue trying to conceive. I found the encouragement I needed to continue with my diet. How could I give up.

What I am trying to say, is that weather you are thin or fat, or obese, whether you are tall or short, or blond, or not. We all live through trial and error. We all get thrown from the horse, it is our choice to take control and get back. It is our choice whether we succeed or whether we fail. No one can take our choices away from us. Not now. I believe that by believing in me I will make my goal.