Behind the Scenes of LOTR 2

 

(Well today our lovely director Peter Jackson is attempting yet again to bring everyone together.  It’s Christmas on the set and everyone is beyond excited about getting presents and FINALLY going on Christmas Break away from Middle Earth (middle earth is great and all but it can get REALLY OLD).  So everyone is packing their stuff getting ready to leave when Peter comes and gathers them together.  No one really liked the ‘Secret Santa’ idea anyway, but they were forced to do it in order to keep their jobs.  Also they had to do handmade gifts, yet another barrier in the gift giving process.  So in essence everyone is gathered in one of those sharing circles and everyone is pissed off about being forced into Peter Jackson’s STUPID ideas.  I think everyone needs to learn the meaning of CHRISTMAS!!!!)

 

“Ugh, why do we have to sit here and listen to J boy drag us into another stupid sharing session?” Elijah groaned, “I have all these great video games I could be playing right now.”

“We have to do it cause it’s the new wave of communicating…” Steph said, “Stupid democra-“

“HEY.” Viggo said, his look annoyed.

“I wasn’t gonna say what you thought I was gonna say.” She said innocently, “I swear!”

“I take good pride in my political party affiliation.” Viggo said proudly.

Billy looked confused, “Who is J boy?” he asked.

Everyone stared.

“You are still on that topic?” Jean asked.

He nodded, “Yeah, I thought we called him Jackson, Peter, or something else.”

“Well my name is Peter Jackson, not ‘J Boy’.” Peter said, “And you can stop talking about me in front of me but not to my face.”

Everyone giggled.

“Well everyone let’s pass out the gifts,” Peter said, “Come on pass ‘em out.”

“I made poems for everyone!” Viggo said excitedly.

Everyone groaned simultaneously.

“What they are really good!” Viggo said hurt.

“And I bet they don’t make any sense at all.” Elijah mumbled to Dom who groaned as well.

“I made everyone mittens and gloves.” Elijah said smiling.

Everyone raised and eyebrow.

“Elijah it isn’t cold where any of us are going, not even here.” Sean said.

“Well I thought it would be nice.”

“Well Dom and I made everyone Popsicle stick thingies.” Billy said passing out deformed Popsicle stick objects.

“This looks like a Popsicle stick condom.” Viggo said eyeing his.

Steph shook her head no quickly and Viggo breathed a sigh of relief.

“What is this thing?” Jean asked the ringwraith guy.

“Looks like a box of some kind, for putting stupid hobbit guys in.” he said.

All the hobbits gulped.

“Well I just want to say something to you guys: your gifts suck and no mistake.” Peter said sighing.

“HAHAHA your stupid little frufru experiment didn’t work did it?” Elijah said laughing.

Everyone giggled to themselves.

“Fine then give each other your REAL gifts.” Peter said sighing.

Steph gave Viggo a new car, and it turned out to be a SUV truck and Viggo was happy.  Steph got a Porsche out of Christmas and was happy herself.  Jean gave the Ringwraith guy his own cool Ringwraith costume, and a little Ringwraith doll to watch him in his sleep.  Orlando gave Amanda a horse, a car, and a whole bunch of pretty jewelry.  Amanda gave him a car, a boat, and a whole bunch of manly tools to play with.  Hubba hubba.  Epp gave Billy FOOD.  Billy gave Epp FOOD.  And everyone else in the cast who is semi-important to not as important got really cool gifts too.  But everyone collaborated on one special gift to Peter.

They all rushed in an clobbered him with a massive hug.

“Oh God guys….”he said smiling.

“Yeah J boy you feel good don’t ya?” Viggo said smiling.

“Again my name is either Peter, or Jackson.”

Everyone rolled their eyes as roaring occurred in the background.

“Merry Christmas SAURON GUY!”

A roar came in reply and a giant eyeball rolled along the floor.

“Let’s all go out and celebrate or something stupid like that.” Viggo said.

“Oh my God!  We have to drive by the mental ward!” Steph shouted.

“YES YES MEMORIES OF ESU!” Jean shouted.

“Now that I have a truck, lets try to get as many people in as possible!” Viggo shouted excitedly.

Everyone clamored inside the truck, and in the end there were two people in the front, six in the back, and about seven in the cargo area.

“Wow, ok there are a lot of people back there.” Viggo said looking in the rearview mirror.

Everyone smiled simultaneously.

“Who are you?” Steph asked of the weird guy sitting in the cargo area.

“I am the sound guy.” He said.

“Get out.” Steph said.

He jumped out the back.

“Wait a minute why do I have to-“ he said before the tailgate closed.

“Shit he can still open it from the outside!” Elijah said, “Damn 4Runner!”

“Not unless I lock it!” Viggo said, and locked all the doors.

“Wow the temperature in here just rose from like 70 to like 214 degrees.” Jean said fanning herself.

“Its all the body heat!” Viggo said smiling and the truck roared to life.

“Oh oh oh let’s go offroading!” Amanda said.

Viggo smiled, “OK.”

Everyone held on tight as Viggo took the truck over bumps and bends.  Elijah ended up kicking Billy and Dom in the balls a couple of times, and all the random people in the back seat ended up everyone, some of them even falling into the cargo area thinking it would feel better when it felt ten times worse.  Steph and Viggo bumped around in the front while Amanda and Orlando fell over each other laughing about ten times before Viggo came to a stop and half the car was laughing and the other half was crying and groaning.

“My balls!” Dom groaned.

“Billy are you ok?” Epp asked.

“I may never be able to feel my balls again.” Billy said groaning.

Amanda and Orlando began chanting, ‘your balls are broken hahahahahah!’ while the rest of the car simply laughed and pointed.

“Ok well is everyone ready to get out?” Viggo asked.

“YES!!!” one half said, while the other half shouted, “NO LETS DO IT AGAIN!”

Viggo started up the engine and went through a couple of massive potholes, the back end bouncing violently as the four wheel drive helped the truck scale some minihills.  Viggo brought the truck to a halt and positioned it on the top of a small mountain of sorts.

“Oh God I think I bruised my butt.” Elijah said groaning, “LETS DO IT SOME MORE!”

“That sounded so sexual…” Amanda said smiling at Orlando who grinned rather largely.  They began making out.

“Awwww…where’s the mistletoe when we need it for the hobbits?” Steph asked smiling an evil smile.

“NOOOO!!!!” Sean and Elijah shouted, “Get him off of me please, we are not gay I swear!!!!”

“Ok everyone still looks half dead even though we aren’t filming.” Jean said staring at the Ringwraith guy.

“Infernal movie.” Wraith guy snarled and smiled underneath his cloak.

“Hey guys guess what I have?” Jean said.

Everyone groaned.

“Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance!” Jean shouted brightly.

“Oh oh is it about motorcycles?” Steph asked curiously while she snatched the book from Jean.

Viggo rolled his eyes, “No and even if it were Steph it wouldn’t help your motorcycle problems.”

Everyone went ‘ohhhhh!’ all at the same time.

“Shut up Poetry boy.” Steph said evilly.

The car went ‘oohhhh!’ again.

“That’s not the Christmas spirit.” Jean said smiling.

Viggo and Steph smiled at one another as Viggo started the truck. 

“What the hell that was so corny!” Elijah shouted.

“I know it was, I said it especially for you Elijah.” Jean said, evil grin in place.

“Hey how about that soup that Miranda made Viggo?”

Everyone snorted and laughed as Viggo shot a look to whoever said that in the back.

“Ok whoever said that is gonna die, cause now you got my girlfriend really mad at me.” Viggo shouted.

Steph laughed when he turned his head, and resumed the evil look when he turned to her.

“I thought the soup was rather delicious Viggo.” Elijah said starting the hobbits to crack up completely, spewing laughter all over the place.

Viggo scowled and jammed the truck into reverse causing the truck to go sliding down the hill.  He smiled before it hit the bottom and threw on the brakes.  Elijah nearly shit his pants.

“Oh my God I think I just shit my pants man.” Elijah said between breaths,

Viggo started laughing and looked to Steph who smiled.

“Oh my God you guys are sad.” She said laughing.

“Ok enough about the soup please.” Jean said trying to bring some kind of order to the group.

Everyone agreed remembering the shrimp like substance.

“Ok well lets remember all the moments we have had so far guys, lets SHARE!” Elijah shouted, “Lets all share our thoughts and feelings on feeling day!”

Everyone roared with laughter, eyes, arms, and feet flying in the air everywhere.  Well maybe not eyes…

“Remember when we were filming that scene when we were walking through the marshes with Viggo and he slipped and fell flat on his ass?” Elijah shouted roaring with laughter.

“Help me oh God I have a fish in my pants!” Dom said laughing hysterically.

“I didn’t say that you did Dom!” Viggo said.

The whole car was silent, they knew the truth.

“Yeah I did but making you say it was funnier.” Dom said smiling.

“I remember when Andy was doing that Gollum scene and he went tumbling down the hill and landed flat on his face.” Sean said laughing.

“I remember that precious.” Andy called from the back.

Everyone began laughing insanely.

“Oh my God that was so friggin funny but not as funny as the Indian midget who cooked the curry.” Elijah said laughing.

“I was his manwhore.” Viggo said smiling.

Everyone liked that one and started roaring yet again.

“I think everyone thinks anything anyone says in this car is funny!” Jean said laughing.

“Pudding!” Epp screamed.

Everyone started laughing ten times the insanity level of a mental person.

“Rubber Baby Buggie Bumpers!” Jean shouted.

Everyone fell over one another again, absorbed in the laughing spree.

“I remember when we played all those practical jokes on Peter for April Fools.” Sean said smiling.

“Oh yeah and Sean Bean put all those raunchy pairs of underwear in his drawer!” Billy shouted.

Everyone laughed remembering the g-strings and thongs.

“I remember when we made him sit through a Viggo poetry reading.” Andy said in his Gollum voice.

“Yes precious I remember that.” Viggo said smiling.

“It was quite horrifying.” Elijah added as everyone else laughed.

“Ten hours of the greatest works of Viggo Mortensen.” Steph said laughing.

Everyone including Viggo laughed.

“Oh man…” Amanda said slowly as the laughter died down.

Everyone was silent until Elijah looked at Dom’s face and began popping a major zit.

“UGH STOP!!!!!” Dom said and popped the zit himself.

“Eww look at that thing it is like an alien zit or something.” Elijah said.

“And the fact that you say its an alien zit makes it an alien zit?” Jean asked.

Everyone was silent until Amanda started cracking up and pointing at Elijah going ‘ALIEN ZIT ALIEN ZIT!’

“How about some disco guys?” Steph asked as she switched on the CD player.

About one third of the people inside started moaning, and about two thirds starting cheering.  Elijah and the hobbits attempted to form a line dance in the cargo area, while those who were scared began mutiny against the radio.

“Oh my God no this is my car!” Viggo shouted, flinging hands away from the radio, “I think we need like a partition right here!”

Steph agreed and pinched Jean.  Amanda however was leading the dance in the back, singing to ‘Celebration’ at the top of her lungs.

“CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES COME ON!!!!” Amanda shouted loudly as the hobbits followed her, sounding somewhat drunk.

“Who has been giving them alcohol?” Steph asked Jean.

“I think they are drunk on life Steph.” Jean replied.

“That’s cool.” Steph said smiling.

Viggo put the car into drive, and started to head back down the trail, everyone bouncing along as the car wound around curves and finally ended up back at the studio fifteen minutes later.  Everyone literally spilled out of the car, faces red with laughter, literally hitting the ground when they come out of the car, insane with life.  Everyone began piling into separate vehicles, and pretty soon someone else’s car was filled with a whole shitload of people.  Everyone else simply watched and laughed as Peter viewed the insanity with a shake of his head.  The Gollum voice could be heard for miles, as it shrieked ‘MY PRECIOUS GIVE ME THE PRECIOUS WE NEEDS THE PRECIOUS!’.

Epp began a massive food fight which involved much of the crew and the cast, and by the end of it everyone and their significant other were licking fruitcake off each other and heading back to their cars smelling like various Christmas treats.