One aspect of my persona that tends to shock many people I know is that I am a member of Heartless Bitches International, or HBI. Who wants to self proclaim themselves to be a ‘bitch’ except someone who is openly hostile? The result is me offending people who don’t know what HBI’s definition of the female dog word really is. Here I shall explain why I now associate myself with HBI and why I find HBI attractive. I have also borrowed some quotes from an interview of Natalie, one of the website’s founders. The original source of these quotes is from this page from Eve’s Eye.

Before HBI

During my high school years, I consciously decided to only make friendships with women because there was a good chance we may go separate ways after high school. When earning my AAS degree in programming, there were 6 other men and no women in my classes. It was only when I was earning my BBA degree in e-Commerce that I started considering a relationship, but I still wanted to develop a friendship first as a foundation.

It was at this time that I brought with me the book “Mars and Venus in the Workplace” to college to not just read the book but to read other women’s expressions. One of my instructors saw this and asked me to give her more information about John Gray. Being a person who rather writes essays than talk, I wrote up an essay on it. I also looked for criticism against his ideas and found “The Rebuttal From Uranus”. While looking over this site, I found the logo for HBI, which was my first encounter of them.

When I first saw their site, I wondered why they were so “different”. I was already a fan of satire and I went in thinking they were politically motivated feminists using their satire for social and political humor. There are some politics, but they were clearly more focused on relationships and how people view the genders. I remember gritting my teeth when I decided to look deeper into their beliefs. This was the first time I was seriously studying feminism.

Peering Into Feminism

Most the people I know view feminism as “male-bashing” and I feared these women will prove that correct. But then I saw some of their rants being authored by men, not women. If feminism is really about gender equality and not male-bashing, then that was a welcome sign the previous viewpoint wasn’t correct. I had no problem about equality before viewing HBI. I was just fed that most so-called “feminists” weren’t into “equality” at all. I wondered if their form of feminism is a type I can agree with.

I see no problem where a married couple has her earning more than the husband. As long as they are both doing what they like and are living stable lives, why not? I do think that neither gender nor a certain ethic group should be given preference. As long a people are judged by whom they are and not by what they are, I see no problem. Doing something in the basis of a person gender, race, religion, etc. is wrong.

She [Natalie] also is careful to point out that there is no one true feminist path, that it's multifaceted, that we have a "long way to go in overcoming socialized gender roles which have negative impacts on both sexes. I guess, for me, feminism is about equality. I want the right to be who I am and to be respected as a person. I don't want society to define what is acceptable behavior, work, actions, based on my gender. And I want the same for men - they ought to be able to work, laugh, and live according to their own personal codes and not one defined by the fact that they have external plumbing. I think women and men who challenge gender stereotypes have a different set of problems and challenges than those who don't.

Before I encountered HBI, I thought the only feminist group out their where the NOW. At that time, I didn’t know how HBI compared to them or how they are different. Honestly though, I didn’t really care. What I did want to know at that time is who else were out there. How many feminist groups where there and where their disagreements? I found out when I learned about this report on college women and dating from a Usenet thread. It was done by the Independent Women Forum, or IWF. This group declare that they are the one who speak for the majority of women, not the NOW. I got my answer. Yet, in HBI’s case, "H.B.I. seems to piss off a great many 'feminists' - partly because we refuse to take sides.”

HBI’s Feminism

I continued to read the entire site judging them by their content alone. I did have some disagreements here and there, but I did agree with there major points. First, I wanted to know why they want to call themselves bitches. Besides being an acronym, Being In Total Control Honey, there is this story about it:

"A long and sordid story" is the way Natalie describes the historical development of H.B.I., originally just a joke which germinated out of her unruly usenet discussion posts Ö due in part to the "flame mail" which resulted. One night, "over beer and bitching" with her friend MLR, H.B.I. Principal Instigator, Heartless Bitches International as it is known today germinated. "Given that we both work in high tech, a strongly male-dominated environment, we started joking/bitching about the fact that women who behave in a no-nonsense, straightforward, assertive, or even aggressive manner are called Heartless Bitches, while men who do the same are respected."

The way I see HBI’s feminism is a cross of personal responsibility and individualism. They don’t want to be pushed into a corner and be told that “you have to be like this or you are a bitch.” And so, they call themselves bitches.

Most of the men who like the site, including me, seem to go for their stance on relationships. They target those “Nice Guys” who whine that women don’t like nice guys, only jerks. They target manipulators, guy or gal, who doesn’t like it when their other is “in total control”. And they target “princesses” who tries to be in a relationship just to be in one, compromising themselves in the process.

HBI is not into hating men. Men can become members (which I am) and submit their own rants. Also, even though they do cuss a lot, they do not view cussing as an appropriate substitution for brains. Jade Syren’s “Weak of the Week” column is proof of this. It seems that every week there is at least one submission from a woman who clearly hates men, hate the world, and cuss throughout the submission. She just cusses right back and basically tells them to grow up. Jade is definitely not a woman you want to be angry with you.

HBI, in one way, is a self improvement site. Instead of coaxing you to do the right thing, they pick up a large “clue-by-four”, wallop you hard, and see if you will stand up for yourself. Instead of forcing you to do the right thing, they will rather just continue walloping you tell you do it yourself.

What is attractive about HBI women

First, they are not afraid to state there opinion. You don’t have to worry about what they think of you, they will just tell you with brutal honesty, good or bad. They don’t act like your great and all when you are around and then gossip about how horrible you are; they just do it right into your face so you know what you need improvement on.

They are able to leave an unsatisfactory relationship. They don’t just keep the same guy and hope someone will rescue them; a “replacement”. They just say, “You’re not right for me. Here’s why” and leave. If he keeps pushing, they will become his worst nightmare while they look elsewhere (assuming they are not militantly single, of course). And they DO take a proactive approach to the dating process instead of just hang around hoping someone will show some attention.

They educate themselves. They don’t view looks to be as important as brains and personality, like worrying about shaving their legs. They try to do things for themselves without first asking for help. And for you men with rescuer syndrome, this is a GOOD thing. Do you like being called on for every little thing?

Brian Ogan
www.geocities.com/patriciointp/