During my high school years, when all of our hormones were raging, I made a conscious decision when it comes to women. I knew that many of us were going to leave Springfield while others will stay and, at that time, I was aiming for the U.S. Coast Guard Academy, loosing 20 lb. in the process. So I decided to not pursue women for a relationship but rather just for friendships. Late in my senior year I learned that I didn't made the cut for the USCG due to a record-breaking number of applicants with two perfect SAT scores. I didn't try again because I got 25 pounds back.
Then I started college here in Springfield. While pursuing my associate degree in programming at RMC, my classmates were only six other male students. There were of course other women attending other classes, but I didn't pursue any of then for friendship like I did in high school since they were not in any of my classes. So during those months, I was super-ultra-single.
That all changed when I returned to get my bachelor degree. I took a year off because RMC was not offering at that time a bachelor level program I wanted and I was hoping I could start my career and dump my "survival job". Didn't happen. On my return, they still weren�t offering a BAS degree in programming but a BBA degree in e-Commerce. That sounded attractive so I returned, tired of hearing "Get a bachelor degree" and "We are not hiring due to 9/11".
Being a BBA, the classes certainly had plenty of women to choose from compared to the non-existence during my AAS degree. But since it has been so long that I pursued women for friendship, I wondered how I will act and how things have changed for women around my age level. What will now follow is my experiences per quarter on who I pursued (without naming any names), what went through my mind while pursuing each of these women, and the philosophy I developed due to this. I certainly have changed a lot since my return.
Quarter 1
When I returned, noticing the women to men ratio in most of my classes, I started wondering if I should return to looking again. The first woman I considered I would call C. The reason I chose her is because I knew she attended RMC during my associate days when I saw her in the hallway. We never shared a class till now. For me, it is important to simply know a person as an acquaintance and then as a friend before pursuing her for a relationship.
I found an opportunity to give her something that could help her in one of our classes. On the day I was planning to give it to her, C walk in with another woman and she was talking about her boyfriend. Oh great, I thought to myself. When C finished talking, I turn around to ask her if she wanted what I was about to give her when C just started talking to that other woman again. When she realized I wanted to talk to her, and I never talked to C before now, she gave me her full attention. She accepted it, although she said she had something similar to what I was giving her. Oh well.
After that encounter, I continued to look for others. There was no one else I knew but there were five women in particular that had a certain degree of attraction. Two had diamond rings and one occasionally wore a diamond ring on their left hand. I wondered if the one who occasionally wore one knew that if she buys a diamond ring for herself, she should have it on her right hand or if she is engaged/married and forget to put it on.
But of these five, one in particular I considered the best candidate for friendship and, not having a diamond ring, a potential relationship. I will call her N. N sat next to me in one of our classes, so it was easy to observe her. But because I never knew her before, unlike C, I only talked to her if I need to.
There was one other plotline this quarter worth mentioning. During this quarter, I brought the book "Mars and Venus in the Workplace" by John Gray. I got it to because I liked John Gray, although I do disagree with him on several things, and I hoped that by reading it in class I would get some responses from female classmates. All I got was interesting stares except from one woman, Shelly Devos, one of our instructors.
Little did I know at that time that this event would unleash a chain of events that will shape my whole philosophy on pursuing women. When Devos ask what the book was like, I didn't just gave her a book report on it, I hunted down criticism against it. I found a website titled "The Rebuttal From Uranus" and on that site I saw a logo for Heartless Bitches International , or HBI. I smirked but didn't think much about it at that time.
Meanwhile, the situation with C was horrible. She started talking to me on occasion although I much rather communicate through e-mail. These conservations were not exactly great. As an introvert, I prefer listening to talking, but she wanted me to both listen and talk. I rather she just blab away instead of waiting for a response. Then she caught me playing Atari 2600 games emulated by StellaX on the PC. She told me she really wanted to know how I did that. Finally, here is an opportunity to get to know her via e-mail. I created a document explaining how to download StellaX and Atari 2600 roms with explicit instructions to e-mail me with her feelings of nostalgia. She never did. And yes, she does have an e-address. But that is not all. I caught her seeking oxytocin with men other than her boyfriend. My opinion of her was dropping.
Quarter 2
When this quarter started, N disappeared. I was thinking it is time to look for an opportunity to pursue her but when I saw her gone, I wondered if she left. I saw her later on that quarter during daytime classes talking to... C.
So I was back to where I started. That was when I started a friendship with another woman who I will call M. I already knew from the previous quarter that she had a boyfriend. Our friendship developed quickly. Being an e-mail addict, I hinted at her several times that I wanted her to become an e-pal.
While my friendship with M was still developing, C's relationship continued to drive me crazy. Before class, she was talking about her �butthead� boyfriend. I also caught him touching another woman�s shoulders. Once C was sick and he noticed saying, �____, you look weird.� She looked very unpleasantly at him. Could this be why C acted the way she did last quarter?
I recalled HBI's banner with their logo: an axe cutting a valentine heart in half. I wondered exactly what was on that site and if it addresses C's relationship. As a satirical person, I quickly started enjoying HBI. HBI is a feminist satire website that poke fun at gender stereotypes, insecure Nice Guys (tm), manipulators, and �princesses�. It started in Canada where a group of women where laughing about the double standard that exists concerning opinionated and assertive people. For men, it is an attraction. For women, it gives them the label bitches. Natalie, who had web development experience, suggested making a website that addresses that issue. So HBI was born.
A little while later I mentioned HBI in an e-mail I sent to M Monday. It was a response to an e-mail she sent to me asking if I can tutor her Wednesday. As those who read my e-mail will know, I usually add a bunch of satirical comments poking fun at the receiver, me, and our situations. Apparently M didn't like it and sent another e-mail with some not so pleasant words. That was a massive blow to me because it was so unexpected. I sent one more e-mail, briefly defending myself and said that I was sorry.
Tuesday I wondered how to resolve what happened. I didn't receive an e-mail from M and I wondered what was the best way how to confront her without making the situation worse. The problem for me was that I just didn't know exactly what upset her. I had a class over in the church and the only time I saw her was when I was about to head over there. She said �Hi.� but she was with someone so I didn't brought it up. After class I wondered if I should see if I should bring it up. I decided not to since we were meeting Wednesday anyway and she might have e-mailed me again. No such luck.
When I came into the library Wednesday, I was dreading my appointment with M. I had possibilities running through my mind. M came in and asked about this feminist website I like and I showed her some printouts. She laughed (good) but said she no way like these self-proclaimed heartless bitches (not good). Then we started studying together. I was looking for a good opportunity to bring our conflict up for resolution. That's when my whole plan went up in flames.
Some woman came in and asked what happened Tuesday. M them started talking to her and several other women about how her boyfriend blew up in her face. I listen to her say things like, �I told him, �But you said you love me��, and all I did was stare off in space getting mad at myself for what happened Monday. I simply kept my mouth shut and just listen to her sad story. Then M's boyfriend came in. He looked at me. I thought to myself �Shit�. They quietly talked about something that caused the massive blow-up. He left. Every woman except M yelled, �JERK!!!� I continued to keep my mouth shut.
Side note: During this day, while M was busy with her homework, I glanced over to the computers and tried to see what a person was viewing over there. One of M's friends who was right behind me apparently thought I was looking at her. She said �Hi� and I briefly looked at her and replied �Hi� in return. I don't know her name, didn't share a class with her, but did know she has a boyfriend. I hopped she didn't thought I was looking at her.
That night I struggled with myself on what to do. With her emotionally hurt, I knew it would be a bad idea to bring that e-mail up. So I decided to hold off on it till I thought she was ready. By know, you might be wondering why I didn't pursue her for a relationship since she was now available. If so, shame on you. Even if this e-mail didn't happened, I won't because she needed time by herself to love only herself. Also, after developing our friendship, I knew a relationship either wouldn't work or would have certain conflicts that I observed within our friendship, even if she was available. If the best time to end a relationship that wasn't working is to do so as early as possible, the optimum time is before it even begins. But with her hurting, I wondered if she knew this.
There is one more thing I want to note here that is a bit funny. I caught in one of my classes a woman who appeared to be giving me The Look. How we were positioned in class, I couldn't see her left hand and I thought I saw a ring on it. Diamond? I don't know. So after class I tried to track her down to find out but didn't catch up to her. Not knowing her name and if that was a diamond ring on her hand, I went to the instructor and said, �Can you tell me who is this woman who sits in the front of the class and if that was a diamond ring on her left hand?� I italicized for a reason. She said she was _____ and she didn't know if she wore a diamond ring or not. I debated wither or not to put something in her folder. I decided not to because if that was a diamond ring then obviously I misinterpreted her Look. It was only until the following quarter that not only did I saw that indeed it was a diamond ring, the instructor gave me the wrong name! She gave me the name of the person who sits in front of me. I told this instructor not to tell _____, but if she did, I might have one ticked off woman right now and I have no way of knowing.
Quarter 3
When this quarter started, my situation was the following:
I have also reintrospected myself. I was still looking for a single nonsmoker, preferably an NF or SP personality, for a relationship. But without knowing exactly what ticked M off, I added, �Can stand my satire and HBI, but not necessarily agree with HBI� to the list. I have no requirements for a friendship other than she agree to be an e-pal who shows some appreciation for any favors I do for her, just like my friendship with M. As an introvert, I generally only pursue one woman at a time for friendship. I decided to scratch that.
I knew that before I pursued any other women, I had to get M�s situation resolved. Where we shared one class the previous quarter, we had none together this quarter. On week one, still hoping she will bring it up herself, I saw in the corner of my eye M at the doorway of one of my classes just looking at me. There was no one else in the room.
So I wrote a three page letter to her explaining that it was important to me to develop friendships with women, that I did developed a liking for her, and that e-mail did disturbed me. Included with this is my explanation on why I waited till I did - her situation with her boyfriend. When I encountered her next, in a hallway, she said, �I received your letter� and said nothing more. I thought she was the extrovert and I the introvert! Later I finally got her to tell me what she thought. She slapped me on the shoulder and said, �We are still friends!� and left. I nearly blew up myself. Since she never e-mail me since that day and I never brought it up again, I STILL don�t know what I said that got her upset. My best guess was my satirical comments.
Or could it be HBI? Since I became a reader of the website, I have became a bit knowledgeable on feminism. I do know that feminism is not limited to the NOW, the most vocal feminist group. Another feminist group, although they don�t want to be called that, is the IWF: Independent Women�s Forum. Where the NOW is on the far left politically, the IWF is on the far right. The NOW is pro-abortion. The IWF believe every woman should carry a pistol in her purse. And both groups call the other one a traitor to gender equality. HBI, though they say political things on occasion, focus more on the workplace and relationships than on pure politics. The problem with feminism, as I see it, is that it has a bunch of women (and men!) who has the same goal but different means of achieving that goal. With the NOW being stereotyped as the only feminist organization out there, I read on Usenet that many women are afraid to call themselves feminists because feminism has been viewed not as gender equality but male bashing. HBI is definitely not into male bashing! Many of their articles are written by men!
With that issue not-really-resolved resolved, I continued to look for a woman to be a friend and e-pal. Remember, the reason I am not pursuing M is because I know a relationship won�t work. The fact I open up to her in that letter but she won�t tell me what I need to know is proof of that. I was still technically looking for a relationship, but only passively. I still firmly believe in developing a friendship first as a foundation to a relationship. With my decision to not pursue only one woman, I ended up picking four.
U: She is a partner in on of my groups and she is engaged. After exchanging e-mails, I started hinting that I am looking for a woman just to be an e-pal. I got e-mail from her, but she couldn�t get any from me! Worse, there came a point where there was apparently some confusion to my motivation. Another group member said to my with no one around �You know she is engaged. When you left after our meeting, _____ and U talked as though you wanted a relationship with her.�
G and W: These two women are friends (G is engaged and I don�t know if W has a boyfriend) and both asked for my assistance one day. I noticed both of them absent that night so I left some instructor provided notes and a brief message from me. G e-mailed me and thanked me. W said thanks at RMC. I continued to assist them hinting again that I am looking for an e-pal. G agreed, but after very few e-mails, her e-mails stop. I hope it isn�t because of the same problem I encountered with U. I also learned that W doesn�t have an e-address.
R: I have her as a partner in one of my classes and knew nothing about her. I decided to help her like I helped G and W because we are partners but since we knew nothing about each other, I didn�t pursue her past the acquaintance stage. Then R has asked me to tutor her in an e-mail for an upcoming test, similar to what M has asked me to do last quarter. She doesn't have a diamond ring on her left hand the last time I saw her and I don't know if she has a boyfriend. After sending that e-mail, we exchanged several more e-mails. Her total for that one week was nine. I helped her on a Saturday morning and then nothing. And on test day, she didn't show up! Plus, she haven't e-mailed me since.
On quarter 2 I mentioned in a side note that there was a woman who apparently thought I was looking at her. One day she walked in a classroom while I was doing my homework. No one else was in this classroom. She said �Your Brian, right?� I didn�t know how to respond since I know squat about this person except she is one of M�s friends. Later, she, M, and a number of others were in the library. One woman, who I rarely talk to (in the hallway usually), said �We can make Brian our programmer!� Now how in the heck did she knew I can program software? I just wonder what people talk about without me knowing. BTW, for me, not knowing is very annoying!
Meanwhile, C�s relationship continues to be a lesson on how to not �love the one your with�. Once, while on break, I was in class. C, her boyfriend, and a number of others came in at the same time. Her boyfriend was tickling her. No problem with that. Then he said �rape�. Every woman reacted with aghast at what he said. �Hey, it�s a free country� he said. Yeah, and you can yell �Fire!� in a crowded theater.
M�s situation then started to become annoying. I caught her boyfriend trying to make up with her. They were walking away from a private location and he said where others can hear him (I sure did), �I do really love you.� That, combined with C�s relationship, just threw me over the deep end. I felt like [DELETED] and also [DELETED].
At that point, I changed. This was still when I was pursuing U, G, and W for a potential friendship/e-pals. I sat down and said to myself, �I am going to apply to HBI.� which I succeeded in doing. There is a risk involved in doing this. If Jade Syren, bitch-bouncer, decides you are clueless on what their definition of bitch is, your are placed in the �Weak of the Week� column. However, I wanted my application to not only be an article on getting me in, but a true rant on why I believe in what I believe. I want it to be my message to every person I know on why I have yet to find someone for a relationship. And I want it to be on love.
I recalled what M said that Wednesday: �But you said you love me.� But if her comments are true, and I know he did blow up in her face, he certainly didn�t love her. So I came up with this statement that you can quote me on (and PLEASE give me credit for saying this): Being in love is not the same as loving someone.
Someone in love but not loving is a selfish individual who just wants be in a relationship for him or her self. �I love you,� means to this person �I need you and I can�t live without you.� This person doesn�t really care about the other person unless it also hurts him. This person may develop into an emotional blackmailer.
Someone who honestly loves is willing to endure hardship so that another may benefit. For this person, �I love you� means, �I like you and appreciate who you are�. When this person notice that his (or her) SO is in pain, he does what he can to stop it. Where friends help each other (which I have done with M, G, W, and R) the loving person and his love one support each other.
This is why C�s relationship makes me sick. Both call each other boyfriend-and-girlfriend, but with each other comments and actions, my opinion for C's relationship continues to dwindle. My respect for C herself will grow if she leaves him and instead spend some time loving herself. And this is another quote you can quote me on: Love yourself before you love someone else.
Another thing I don�t like about C is that she never, as far as I know, told him that he is a �butthead�. If she did, neither act liked it. By continuing to love someone who doesn�t love is harmful because you are indirectly not loving yourself. Why love someone who doesn�t love you in return?
In conclusion concerning my philosophy on love, I will like to say that although I do want a relationship, I am not going to compromise on my beliefs and goals just to be in a relationship or to get laid. If I am not going to be in a relationship because of this, so be it.
I ended this quarter by giving C and M this to discover what they had to say about it and if they wanted anything changed due to this paper being potentially libel. The following week was my only week off from college and I got this and the rest of my website online at Freewebs.com. C contacted me the first week of the following quarter and said not to change anything. M has yet to contact me concerning this issue.
Quarter 4: Epilogue?
By week 1, quarter 4, I have officially stopped looking for friendships with RMC women. I might start again if someone seems promising, but for now on I will only passively look for friendship just like I have been for a relationship. I still believe a friendship should be a foundation to a relationship. However, I am now shifting focus to looking for an e-pal and possible study partner from college to the international scene. I went to a pair of e-pal sites and have been e-mailing other women from other countries. This though is outside the purpose of this paper. Unless something interesting happens (i.e. M contacts me with several issues to be addressed), this paper is now officially done.
Brian Ogan
www.geocities.com/patriciointp/
While surfing the net on how people love each other, I found
this article on "The 14 Major Love Styles". I found a little of myself on a few of these, but I think I am closest to the "Best-Friends" style since I believe in building a good friendship as a foundation to an eventual relationship. I have been known to not rush into things if possible. The only time I did, with a woman outside of RMC, I paid for it.
