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There is a reason why e-palling is such of a favorite hobby of mine. There is that feeling you get when you start downloading e-mails and find one from someone. A private, personal message from someone far away... someone you perhaps will never even meet. Consider that. There is someone out there, who just likes you as a friend, you don't know what they look like, yet you have a bond with him or her.
And this feeling is what I desire more than anything else.
Actual bonding. The taking of time to get to know someone for who that person is and once doing so actually develop a liking for that person. This is how I define what I call 'mental intimacy'. As all of my female e-pals know (except one) as of writing this, I am single but only looking locally. I seek female friendships online to feed this desire until I do find someone locally. Finding an actual long-distance relationship online I have zero interest in. But until I do find someone locally as a friend first, I will not be in a relationship. I am not saying this because I am bitter or anything like that... it is just a fact. Currently there is no one I want a relationship with. Having this mental intimacy is that important for me.
I associate it with my personality, an introverted intuitive thinker perceptor (INTP). Physical intimacy, a concrete form of love making, doesn't interest me. Oh, I study it, but since it is not abstract (with me being an intuitive) and there are risks involved in doing it to early without taking the time to know the other first, I rather keep my virginity. (I am known for my brutal honesty, by the way.) And with me as more of an intuitive thinker than an intuitive feeler, emotional intimacy is more of a curious subject than an actual desire.
Being introverted also feeds into this desire. Some introverts are stereotyped into being anti-social. However not all of us are shy people and do need social interaction; it is sometimes difficult to be introverted and not shy. Unlike or extroverted peers, who tries to make friends with everybody, we don't. The vast majority of the people we meet will be no more than simply peers. We like very few but, for a lot of us, very deep bonding with our friends. There is no such thing as a 'sort of' a friend. We take our time, not just becoming friends with anybody, letting it develop slowly till we are both feel comfortable enough to spill our guts out.
This is why I am an amateur personologist and fan of Keirsy's form of the MBTI theory. I am concern with who the person is.
Praise means little compared to encouragement. I am not saying this to discount the need for praise for other personality types. But consider this: anybody can give out praise, few can give out effective encouragement. Someone who just wants to be nice, rebuild torn bridges, or needs you too desperately will of course spread much praise around you. Someone who develop a degree of mental intimacy will know your weaknesses and, with some empathy hopefully, might be able to move you to the right direction. Praise recognize achievement already done. Encouragement recognize achievement that can be done.
This desire for mental intimacy comes with a couple of problems. For one, it is hard to find. One reason I develop friendships slowly (and demand friendship before relationship) is because trust is a major ingredient to mental intimacy. Perhaps why I find it easier to do this via e-palling is the distance factor. Once you know the other isn't looking for a long-distance relationship and the chance of meeting is slim, you feel more comfortable in developing mental intimacy. This is one of the ironies of my hobby. I feel closer to my e-pals who I will perhaps never see in my lifetime than those who I see several times every week! Also, because this desire is so great, it is hard for me to pursue friendships with someone who doesn't appear to want mental intimacy. Once I do detect this from someone, the odds of having a friendship with that person becomes nil.
I wrote bits and pieces of this essay's content during a period of self, built-up anger during one of my brainstorming sessions. I have been self-analyzing myself ever since I started pursuing women locally for friendships again and just finish a similar such wave now I found some online. Several of my previous essays... On Love and Relationships, Concerning Communication, The Joys and Pains of E-palling... boiled down to this one. It took 15 to 20 weeks of active e-palling with people to discover this inside of me, so I have three particular individuals to thank for this. I have yet to find and still desire such of a friendship with someone locally.
Brian Ogan
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