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Note on gender usage. Anytime I use a masculine pronoun, it is considered presumed that both genders apply to the situation. It is easier this way instead of writing phrases like “he or she”.
The number one cause of divorce isn’t cheating but miscommunication. Everyone has their own satisfiers: goals, needs, desires, and dislikes. The reason 2 people may come together to have a relationship are many. But if these four satisfiers are not met because of the other person’s actions, the relationship will not last or won’t be satisfying.
The glue for a satisfying relationship is, of course, love. Love is when someone respects another person for whom the other is and is also willing to endure hardship so the other may benefit. Someone who isn’t willing to show at least a little sacrifice or sacrifice a lot to “prove his love” without really benefiting the other isn’t love. Everyone though has his limits. Each individual should love one’s self first. Don’t let yourself be in a harmful or unsatisfying relationship just to be in a relationship. If your other’s satisfiers are just too much, tell him.
It is therefore communication that is the tool that is used to let the other know your satisfiers. That requires both listening and speaking. Many speak their satisfiers without listing to the other’s satisfiers. Or when communicating these desires, a person does so in a way the other doesn’t understand. So making sure the other understand what you are telling them is also important.
Bad Communication
The following forms of communication are how to not communicate your satisfiers. A person can do one to all three of these to manipulate, emotionally blackmail, or simply demand his satisfiers to be met. The problem in being in a relationship with this type of an individual is that he will demand a lot out of you, ask you to “prove your love” frequently, won’t take no for an answer, and will try to make you fell horrible if you don’t satisfy him. Yet, if he gets a malicious enjoyment in emotionally blackmailing you like this, he won’t leave the relationship.
The Crier: This person will fake tears to get what he wants. Because you won’t help out, this person will act like you don’t care about his satisfiers, that you don’t like/love him, and will gossip about how much you hurt his feelings. You must “prove your love” constantly or be embarrassed by this person’s boo-hoos while he seeks sympathy to those who “better understands him”.
The Hothead: This person is a walking time bomb. Instead of expressing sad feeling like the Crier, the Hothead will express anger when his satisfiers are not met. He uses intimidation, violence, or the threat of violence to will the other person into submission.
The Pouter: This person will express nothing at all. While the above two will demand their satisfiers instead of yours, this person takes a different strategy: he refuse to let neither his nor yours satisfiers to be met. He gets his malicious enjoyment in refusing to neither accept your love nor give love because you refused him before.
Good Communication
Good communication requires both individuals to not act like the three above archetypes. As the Dixie Chicks said, “It's a game of give and take”, and a very delicate game at that. The following are important ingredients to making communication work, and it does require everyone to participate.
Empathy: One common phrase when it comes to understanding ones satisfiers is “Do you know/understand?” The best way to do that is be actually experiencing it. If someone’s satisfier isn’t being meet, can you relate his experience to yours? If “misery loves company” then showing that you suffered the same problem and share how you handled it can be a powerful show of support. If you can’t relate but only guess at what the other is experiencing and you do want to help, then start experiencing that with him if he allows it. If he doesn’t or if by doing so you are getting in the way, don’t bother trying to empathize. If he does appreciate you showing some support in this way, go for it. But remember, since you haven’t experienced what the other person is going through, you could do more damage then good. Tread carefully.
Mutual Support: To truly say you love someone means you are submitting yourself to a massive commitment. If both members of a relationship understand this, then both individuals can help each other out in fulfilling their satisfiers. Instead of having their love go one way, it goes both ways like a partnership. If both focus in fulfilling the other’s satisfiers, both get more of what they want.
Share Without Fear: This is probably the ingredient most fail to implement. Because the result of good communication is ones satisfiers being met, what if a satisfier be deemed hard or impossible to the other? If someone fears that bringing something up will upset the other, the result is that someone never getting his satisfier meet and therefore could grow restless inside. If a person can express a satisfier without fear of the other getting upset, the two can communicate more. Now this doesn’t mean that if the satisfier can be met, just the sharing of the satisfier. It means that even though this other knows he can’t fulfill the desire, he can freely express that without both individuals getting upset.
Conclusion
The key to a healthy relationship is for both individuals to fulfill their satisfiers without the other being in the way and good communication is how to do that. Share your short and long term goals, needs, desires, and dislikes with your each other. Make sure both understand what these satisfiers are and why they are important. See what you can do to help the other person in fulfilling them but don’t get in the way if you can’t. And if your partner can’t help you fulfill a desire, don’t get upset with him for doing so.
Also, take a look at the following Usenet thread, which I found interesting and related to this essay:
This is an excellent thread in which a woman asks how to get rid of his unloving boyfriend. The answers were right on and sounded very appropriate to this HBI member.
Brian Ogan
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