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Political Cows
Posted by On the Lighter Side on April 17, 1998 at 23:16:54:
Political and Economic Theory 101
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: (RNIP PolPot) You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
MONARCHY: You have two cows. They die of starvation because they can't eat cake.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
THEOCRACY: You have two cows. They milk you and you thank God for it.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
LIBERTARIAN: ANARCHY-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
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oClintonism: You have two cows, while your wife steals the milk from one, you have sex with the other, then blame it on the Republicans (nt) Kensei 17:59:17 4/20/98 (0)
oCentauri-ism: You have 2 cows. Each cow has 6 uhhhhh...udders, yeah, that's it. (nt) Corwin 16:15:16 4/20/98 (0)
oMinbari: Sorry, you need three cows to do anything. Forbin 15:43:38 4/20/98 (0)
oRangerism: You have 2 cows. They give milk for the One. They become steaks for the One. (NT) Inquisitor 15:35:37 4/20/98 (0)
oShadowism: You have 2 cows. They fight each other. The one that survives gives better milk. (NT) Inquisitor 15:15:35 4/20/98 (0)
oNone of this is as frightening as the thought of two cows piloting a shadow vessel! Forbin 10:07:19 4/18/98 (1)
oI LUV it! P.S. While chewing their cud! (nt) On the Lighter Side 14:56:31 4/19/98 (0)
oRe: None of this is as frightening as the thought of Tipper Gore piloting a shadow vessel! Kensei 13:46:24 4/18/98 (1)
oI don't think I'll ask how you made the leap from cows to Tipper Gore. (nt) trurl 16:36:42 4/20/98 (1)
oA short hop was all that was necessary(nt) Kensei 17:42:01 4/20/98 (0)
oNone of this is as frightening as the thought of Mister Magoo piloting a shadow vessel! sir Fabius of Loxley 14:22:01 4/18/98 (1)
ohmm, we seem to have lost the cow theme. Oh well. (nt) Forbin 23:44:05 4/18/98 (0)
oVorlon empire:you have two cows,but you must return them to Earth because they have the telepathic gene (bleh =0) (n_t) sir Fabius of Loxley 01:49:39 4/18/98 (0)
oAhh...suckered right in, but I'm glad :) (nt) Neroon 00:54:02 4/18/98 (1)
oYeah... you can tell I was bored, too!... until I read your response...Thanx LOL :) (nt) On the Lighter Side 07:52:12 4/18/98 (0)
Posted by sir Fabius of Loxley on April 18, 1998 at 14:22:01:
In Reply to: Re: None of this is as frightening as the thought of Tipper Gore piloting a shadow vessel! posted by Kensei on April 18, 1998 at 13:46:24:
:
: : They just sort of stand still facing into the solar wind...
: ***************
: watch out, heavy metal heads.
Well,probable exception is Willy E. Coyote.(spl)
Babylon 5 and the Chicken
What some B5 characters might say if you asked them "Why did the chicken cross the road?
Posted by JoJo - The Chicken Boy on May 12, 1998 at 11:16:36:
In Reply to: New Gray 17 today posted by Jeff Pilant on May 12, 1998 at 09:51:48:
Bester: The bird has obviously gone rogue.
-------------------------------------------------------
Delenn: You think you are doing the correct thing. So
does the chicken. Which one is right, and how do you prove
it? No. The Minbari *cannot* become involved in this manner.
-------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Franklin: It obviously didn't know the medical risk involved.
-------------------------------------------------------
G'Kar: To take back the road that was unjustly stolen from its
people!
-------------------------------------------------------
General Hague: That's on a need-to-know basis... and you don't.
-------------------------------------------------------
Ivanova: In Russia, chickens cross roads! We do not ask why!
-------------------------------------------------------
JMS: "We weren't going to discuss the chicken until the middle of
season three...."
-------------------------------------------------------
Jason Ironheart: "One chicken in a thousand is hatched near a road.
One in every ten thousand of those ever tries to cross it. Half of
them are run over by cars."
-------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Sinclair: I told you, I don't remember. I blacked out.
-------------------------------------------------------
John Sheridan: I'll allow its pedestrian outings as long as it
doesn't interfere with the smooth operation of this station.
John Sheridan: The last time a chicken crossed the road, I blew
it straight to hell!
-------------------------------------------------------
Kosh: "tweetle* *blatt* *flash* Yes.
Kosh: The chicken has always been on the other side of the road.
-------------------------------------------------------
Lennier: I don't know. But understanding is not required. Only
obedience.
-------------------------------------------------------
Londo Mollari: Do you know what the last chicken said as it tried to
cross the road? "Squawk...ugh!".
Londo Mollari: Why, for a *drink*, of course! Perhaps I should join
my *good* and *dear* friend in a celebration of his good fortune...
-------------------------------------------------------
Michael Garibaldi: Look, I dunno, but the whole thing just feels
wrong.
Michael Garibaldi: That chicken has crossed roads before. I can tell.
-------------------------------------------------------
Morden: It was what the chicken wanted.
-------------------------------------------------------
Na'Toth: Give me a few moments alone with it and I shall uncover its
motives.
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Talia: I knew it would happen. I could sense it.
Talia: We just made you *think* that it crossed the road.
oZathras ask chicken. When chicken answers, Zathras tells you. ( NT ) Phil 18:09:07 5/12/98 (1)
oChicken *never* listen to Zathras... (nt) Kellan 15:07:35 5/13/98 (0)
oRe: awww man, I thought my cartagia was good but i wish id have thought of this one myself..:) (NT) Sebastian 22:28:32 5/12/98 (0)
oShhhhickens are shhhooo shhhtttooopid! Daffy Duck 17:17:39 5/12/98 (0)
oRe: What some B5 characters might say if you asked them "Why did the chicken cross the road?". Sebastian 16:18:19 5/12/98 (1)
o"Why did the chicken cross the road?" Inquistor 17:38:29 5/12/98 (1)
oIf the chicken crossed the road, you can have the sandwich. (nt) Earth-Force Inquisitor 17:42:28 5/12/98 (1)
oUm...No thank you. Beef! It's what's for dinner! (NT) Inquisitor 15:18:08 5/13/98 (0)
oAnd if it didn't make it, you can give to the Beverly Hillbillies. nt Ted Turner (yes I own you) 19:08:33 5/12/98 (1)
oTED! I thought I told you to mow the lawn! What are you doing surfing the web! (nt) Jane 10:58:45 5/13/98 (1)
oYes dear. [Pouting and hanging head down as he heads off to yell at the gardener] N.T Ted I own you Turner 13:11:56 5/13/98 (1)
oThat's OK. The Gardener is very Patient around here (nt) G'Kar Junior 13:30:32 5/13/98 (0)
oKosh: The road has always been there. (nt) Dervish 15:54:22 5/12/98 (0)
oKosh: It crossed at a 3-way stop.(nt) BrotherDiscotic 12:30:09 5/12/98 (0)
oMmm, mmm! Finger-lickin' good! (nt) G'Kar Junior 11:40:45 5/12/98 (0)
How many Vorlons does it take to change a light bulb ?
*YES*
There is a terrible darkness coming.
We are grey. We stand between the darkness and the light (bulb).
We are grey. We stand between the darkness and the light (bulb).
Hey, as long as your standing there, change the darn thing will ya?
How many Minbari does it take to screw in light bulb?
One. But they have to perform 40 rituals before they do it.
Anne
Great, light bulb humor. What's next, Monty Python routines? Oh, wait...
How many Vorlons does it take to change a light bulb ? That's What lesser races are for.
* YES *
How many Vorlons does it take to change a light bulb ?
: * YES *terday........all my troubles seem so far away........
End of transmission
"You are not ready for the answer"
: "You are not ready for light bulbs"
: : "You are not ready for light bulbs"
Because the light bulb has always been there.
Anne =)
It was a three-way bulb.
B13Guy
Anne
: Great, light bulb humor. What's next, Monty Python routines? Oh, wait...
.....it has ceased to be.
-- A2SG, drawing up the curtain and joining the choir invisible....
In Reply to: Old Jokes and Lightbulbs Attn : G'Kar Junior posted by Anne Herman on March 22, 1998 at 20:14:45:
: I tried the web site listed in your post, but it did not work. I also *searched* for it, but I do not have enough information. Could you please check that address of that older B5 site?
: Thanks, Anne
Sorry 'bout that. I must've messed it up somehow. Here it is in regular text in case I mess up again:
http://www.visi.com/~nathan/humor/b5/index.html
It's got a lot of oldies but goodies, such as...
=======================================
zima.n.portents
After finally viewing "Signs and Portents," I lapsed into Arc
Fever. In my delirium, the following commercial formed in my mind. My
apologies to Joe, B5, and Zima. All in good fun, of course...
=====
CAPTION ON SCREEN: "Zigns and Portents."
[ The Man with the Hat stands in C&C, looking into the camera. ]
Man: Zay you've been exploring out on the Rim...
[ Cut to G'Kar's quarters. Morden is speaking to G'Kar. ]
Morden: What do you want?
G'Kar: [ Simply ] Beer.
Morden: But what do you *want?*
G'Kar: I want something that goes down smooth, with no aftertaste.
A tall forty-ouncer, ice cold, and I'd like to drink it all
out of a Centauri skull.
Morden: And then what?
G'Kar: [ Surprised ] I don't know. As long as I don't get a hangover,
I don't know that it matters.
Morden: [ A trace of disappointment? ] I see. Well, thank you for your
time, ambassador. [ Turns to leave ] Good day. [ Leaves ]
[ Quick cut to outside Londo's quarters. Morden is now talking to Londo,
who clearly seems annoyed by Morden's presence. ]
Morden: What do you want?
Londo: [ Sighs ] Do you really want to know what *I* want? Do you
really want to know the truth? I want alcohol beverages to
be like they used to be, with lots of ethanol, and a taste
like Alka-Seltzer Cold Formula. I want a rebirth of clear,
cheap swill. Does that answer your question? [ Turns to
leave ]
Morden: [ Under breath ] Yes. Yes it does. Ambassador?
[ Londo turns. Morden approaches him, and takes him gently by the
arm. ]
Morden: Come on. Let's go to Happy Daze.
Londo: Happy Daze? What for?
Morden: Have a drink or two. Zima?
Londo: [ Breaks into a bemused smile ] Zima's good... [ Both leave ]
[ Cut to C&C again, with the Man in the Hat. He addresses the audience
again. ]
Man: [ In loud whisper ] Zima's a unique alcohol beverage...
[ Cut to Happy Daze. Morden and Londo enter, and approach the bartender. ]
Bartender: What'll you have?
Morden: Zima.
[ Bartender turns to take two bottles from the many crates behind him
marked "Zima." He places them on the bar. Morden comes closer to
take them. Suddenly, Kosh steps between Morden and the bottles.
He has an unusually odd sway about him. ]
Kosh: They are not for you.
Morden: [ Face hardening ] Why not?
Kosh: They are mine. [ Odd hiccuping sound
comes from the translator. ] Leave this place. Go. Now. [ Kosh
turns to take the bottles. Suddenly, a longish-haired human
intervenes, and takes the bottles. Other humans rush behind the
bar and grab the crates. ]
Human: [ Speaking into communicator. ] Six to One. We have the
sauce. We're ready to go. [ Turns with the rest of the raiders
to run out of the bar. Sinclair and Garibaldi rush in, and
a brief firefight ensues. The raiders get away. ]
[ Cut to just outside the station. A small ship darts out and enters
a waiting transport, which turns and vanishes into a newly-formed jump
point, which itself vanishes. ]
[ Cut to Happy Daze, somewhat later. Sinclair, Garibaldi, Londo, and
Ladira sit around a table, dejectedly sipping ordinary beer, except
for Garibaldi, who instead has his requisite water. Ladira looks into
the sudsy surface of her beer, and sees the transport ship
come out of a jump point. Almost immediately, a *very* large, dark
ship, with many spikes, appears out of nothingness. A beam lances out
from it and strikes the transport, cutting it into ribbons in seconds.
In surprise, Ladira drops her beer, and the mug shatters to pieces on
the floor. ]
Londo: [ Dejectedly ] Light beer that bad, Milady?
[ Cut to Londo's quarters, later still. Londo stands in the middle of
the main room, a disgusted look on his face. He belches, and then
grimaces, as though a bad taste has just welled up in his mouth.
His door chimes, but he ignores it. After a moment, it chimes again. ]
Londo: All right. What's one more annoyance? Enter!
[ The door opens. It is Morden, carrying a cloth-covered box. ]
Morden: Good evening, ambassador.
Londo: You? Go away! It's late. I'm in no mood for your games.
Morden: I'm leaving shortly - I got what I came for. But before I go,
a gift, from friends you don't know you have.
[ Morden gives the box to Londo. Londo turns, and removes the cloth,
revealing a charred box. He opens it. Inside are several bottles of
Zima. ]
[ Quick cut to the Man with a Hat in C&C, who thrusts a bottle of Zima
towards the camera. Cut back to Londo. ]
Londo: [ With shock and surprise ] Zima! How? [ He turns, and notices
that Morden is gone. He runs out the door, thinking Morden
has walked out. Loudly- ] Come back and have a drink, eh? How can
I ever find you to repay you?
Morden: [ Voice is disembodied ] We will find you, ambassador. We will
find you, in the morning...
[ Fade to black. The Zima logo fades in in the middle of the screen,
then back out. ]
=====
Dave...
=====
David S. Pieczkiewicz, B. A. [email protected]
Department of Anthropology [email protected]
University of Kansas, Lawrence (913) 864-4103
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
oBabylon 5 Humor
: Of course, TNT doesn't have the monopoly on B5 discussion groups. One of the oldest is rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5. Well, while I was surfing I ran across this web site with some archived humor from that site. So, just to get into the swing of things, let's have ...
: Babylon-5 Lightbulb Jokes:
: How many _______ does it take to screw in a lightbulb:
: Mimbari:
: They surender.
: Narn:
: 2: One to hold the lightbulb and one to look up how
: J'Quan did it.
: Centauri:
: Just one, but they do it with their tongues, so they
: can get their hair done at the same time.
: Vorlon:
: You are not ready for lightbulbs, yet.
: Does Saturn have rings?
: Zima Anyone?
: Shadow:
: 1 lightbulb. 1 hand. 1 white wall. 'Nuf said.
: Delgar:
: 1 scientist and 100 million Narn, for the trial runs.
: Soul Hunter:
: That's not a lightbulb, it's a Mimbari!
: Techno-mages:
: One techno-mage and 7 words.
: One techo-mage and all of Londo's victims.
: Drasi:
: Still caught up in committee. Ask again after the 6th
: age of humanity....
: Human:
: Before the third age, 1. During the third age,
: 1. This third age thing just isn't as impressive as
: the opening credits would have us believe.
: A mimbari ;-)
:
: Telepaths:
: That's not very damn funny!
: From: [email protected] (marek_bob)
:
: Nina K. Berg ([email protected]) wrote:
: Q: How many Vorlons does it take to change a lightbulb?
: A: Two, but don't ask me how they got there.
: Q: How many Centauri does it take to change a lightbulb?
: A: Centauri don't change lightbulbs. Centauri like shadows.
: Q: How many Narn does it take to change a lightbulb?
: A: Five. One to twist the socket and four to hold the
: Centauri still.
: Q: How many Minbari does it take to change a lightbulb?
: A: One. But it takes 40 hours and if they make a mistake
: they have to start over.
: Q: How many Pak'ma'ra does it take to change a lightbulb?
: A: It depends. Pak'ma'ra hire incompetent electricians
: to change lightbulbs.
: Q: How many Vorlons does it take to change a lightbulb?
: A: None. The lightbulb has always been there.
: Q: How many Drazi does it take to change a lightbulb?
: A: Half the race. The last time a Drazi tried to change
: a light bulb he substituted a GREEN bulb for a PURPLE
: bulb just as a PURPLE was walking by. The ensuing
: battle lasted six months, covered the whole planet,
: and half the Drazi population was wiped out.
: Q: How many Shadows does it take to change a lightbulb?
: A: No-one can count them. They move when you're not looking.
: and finally...
: Q: How many Humans does it take to change a lightbulb?
: A: At least 23. One to change the bulb, one to hold the ladder,
: three to stand around giving useless advice, two supervisors,
: one manager, three cops waving their arms, intoning "keep
: moving, keep moving", two accountants and and a minimum of
: 10 rubberneckers.
Posted by I've been Straczynskied on April 29, 1998 at 22:58:07:
straczynskied - To be inspired towards simultaneous and profound curiosity, anticipation, awe, dread, and somber reflection through the skillful use of misdirection, foreshadowing, mental torture, and other literary devices leading to disturbed sleep, frightening nightmares, hallucinations, compulsive behavior, and general obsession.
straczynskinitis - Addictition to television shows (especially BABYLON 5) written and produced by
J. Michael Straczynki. To be straczynskied repeatedly and profoundly.
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