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| Would Somebody Please .... |
| ( Smack That Woman!!! ) |
| THIS LITTLE IDEA...COMES over me when I consider my house or garage or laundry or parties I don't have, meals I don't cook. I rarely ask for much.I don't need handy slicer-dicers or bedroom slippers, another organizer box, a new recipe book. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply. I want to smack Martha Stewart!!!!! Now, hear me out, I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, in the right place, I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. I want to do it for thousands of men and women across the country. Homemakers and garderners or all of us leading average lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. I'm tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from leaves dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it. OK, so I'm being a little harsh. But did you catch that interview with Martha in USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego. I discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave." Well lah-dee-dah. Imagine that!! That lovely microwave I bought years ago,in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker? I learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets? Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put away" in my house! Martha tells us (in Jan.) she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends."Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves, mind you. But,Amazing scarves.Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue. Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation. Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, no doubt). |
| A guest in Martha's home told: how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. What a show off!!! If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right? When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." She must have split a seam in her ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha. And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives. There you have it!! If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. You probably want to smack her yourself!! |
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