This morning, I want to address husbands primarily. The principles I will share this morning, however, will be valuable to both parties. It’s hard to divide these things up completely. Much of what I share will be common to both parties. Tonight, I will focus more on the women’s side of the relationship. (So, husbands, be sure to get your wives here tonight.)

Sigmund Freud said, "The great question I have not been able to answer is, what does a woman want?" Maybe Freud should have asked his wife.

I have researched dozens of resources, coupled with my own experience dealing with marriages. I have a great concern that so many marriages are falling apart, and many others are hanging on by a thread, and that others are just not as healthy as they could and should be.

As I share these principles with you, bear in mind that "people often change jobs, friends, and spouse, but seldom change themselves." Maybe the changes you seek need to be changes in your outlook and attitude. If you want a better wife, maybe you need to be a better husband. (And vice versa.)

Let me make some initial statements concerning marital relationships, and then we’ll work from there.

• Marriage is ordained or established by God. It is a sacred trust - a pledge - a commitment - a promise.

• A successful marriage is built on the love, acceptance, respect and commitment of a man and a woman who pledge themselves to live together in love and unity, until death do us part, to build a happy and harmonious life together.
• Good marriages do not just happen. It takes co-operation, giving, and forgiving.
• God has established the man as the head of the family. He is the provider, protector, the priest of the family. The wife is his helpmeet. She provides a vital aspect to the family that he cannot. It takes equal amounts of both to make a marriage.

God made man and woman different for a reason:

• To the man, He gave the strong drives and abilities that make him the provider, the builder, the leader.
• To the woman, He gave tenderness, compassion, strength, and creativity to give beauty and comfort to the home and create an atmosphere of peace and harmony, making the home a sanctuary for the presence of the Lord.

A husband needs a wife who respects him as a man. He needs one who will notice him, honor him, esteem and prefer him, praise him, believe in him, and admire him.

 A wife needs a husband who will meet her personal needs. She needs one who will support her, love her, appreciate her, praise her, encourage her, and put her before occupation, hobbies, friends, and other family members.

 What do women want in a relationship? What do they need?

 She needs to know that she is number 1.

What your wife wants more than anything else is to know that she is your first priority. That’s why she may get jealous of your work or your hobbies. She wants to know that she is more important to you than all those other things.

Fellas, is that so much to give? Husbands, love your wives… Show her you love her. Don’t put anything else before her. That doesn’t mean you have to sit and hold her hand 24 hours a day. It means that, in every decision, in every endeavor, she is your first consideration. She doesn’t want to be left out.

 There was a time when she was all you could think about - all you could talk about. You just couldn’t spend enough time with her. Go back to that time and place. Maybe you think you’ve outgrown that stage, but she hasn’t. Many women feel lonely, because their husbands give them no special attention. Men, your marriage depends on your giving your wife your attention. That is the biggest thing she needs from you.

 Mark my words, if you don’t give her that time, there is probably somebody out there who will. And if you don’t think she still has what it takes to attract them, you’d better wake up, and fast.

Somebody said, "Diamonds are a girls best friend," but there are things much more valuable than diamonds. Give her some attention - some consideration - give her your affection.

 And don’t just turn on the affection when you want a little intimacy, if you catch my drift. Talk to her - listen to her, hold her - cuddle her. Let her know she is still special to you. She needs to know that you value her, cherish her, delight in her. She needs to feel that you are excited about her.

She needs to know that you enjoy being with her.

 When you buy her a gift, get something personal. Make a point of noticing what she likes, and get it for her. Let’s move beyond the ‘toaster’ mentality. Get her a dress that she would like, or her favorite perfume. (Do you even know what her favorite perfume is?) These kind of gifts show her that you’re interested, not obligated. She doesn’t need flamboyant, expensive gifts. She needs something with a personal touch - something that shows her you thought about it. (Even the wrong perfume would win you a lot more points than a gift certificate.)

 Little things like this can make a big difference. Frequent displays of affection will strengthen and keep freshness in your relationship. Just a touch, or a kind word - a little kiss or hug - these things keep the marriage intact. (One source says that a woman needs 8-10 meaningful touches a day.)

Few women think they are beautiful enough. She needs to hear you say it every once in a while. She needs to know she still lights your fire. She probably wonders how she rates with all the other ‘beauties’ around. Don’t keep her guessing in that area. Let her know ‘you only have eyes for her’.

Men don’t understand why a woman doesn’t she’s pretty when she looks perfectly fine to him. (You don’t have to understand it. Just do it!)

She needs specific compliments - "I like that haircut" or "You look great in that outfit." Focus on details and she will believe you. She’ll see you’re really paying attention. If you want her to feel like a queen, treat her like one.

 Tell her often that you love her. (Don’t assume she knows it. She needs to hear that it’s still there.)

Express yourself to her; let her know what you’re feeling.

Let her hear you say good things about her to others.

Your wife needs to know that you respect here as a person - that what she does is important - that you value her opinion - that you think she is smart.

 One man confessed that he never took his wife’s work seriously until he attended a dinner in her honor at her workplace and saw how important she was to her employer. When he began to take notice of her worth, their relationship improved.

Men, your wife needs to know what you like about her, and she needs to hear about it often.

For a man, conversation is a means to an end - a way to solve a problem. Most of the time, your wife needs your shoulder, not your advice. She just wants you to really hear her - to care about what she is saying - to care about her feelings.

When she pours out her problems to you, she may just need you to feel her emotions, not offer her solutions. She wants a sympathetic ear. You may feel uncomfortable getting so personal, but she needs that from you, and she wants you to really hear, and feel, what she is saying. Women tend to be more people oriented than problem oriented. (One man took his wife to a football game and she talked all through the game. When he asked her to pay attention to the game, she said, "but I don’t know anybody down there.")

She needs to be able to express herself to you without fear of reprimand or judgment. When she tells you how she feels, never say, "You shouldn’t feel that way." Maybe she shouldn’t, but she does. She needs your understanding and the assurance that you care.

Communication is the number one key to relationship. Your wife needs not only for you to listen to her, but also to talk to her. Talk to her about personal things. Talk about your successes and your failures, your dreams, your problems. She should be your main confidant.

 By communicating, you can rediscover each other. Open up. Trust her with your personal thoughts. Reveal yourself to her and she’ll love you more for it.

Some people actually think, "If you really loved me, you’d know what I need without being told." How childish! Since when did part of true love become the ability to read minds.

Tell her what you want; tell her what you like; tell her what you need. A good marriage involves good communication and realistic expectations.

 Illus. A friend of ours made her father "his favorite" - lemon meringue pie for his birthday faithfully for about 13 years. Then one year something came up. She apologized, "Dad, I’m sorry I didn’t get to make your lemon meringue pie this year." He said, "Honey, I’m so glad. I never did like lemon meringue pie." Somewhere, she had gotten it in her head that it was his favorite. Out of true love, she made it every year. Communication is vital to a healthy marriage.

Say what you mean. Mean what you say. And don’t expect others to read your mind. She needs your honesty, tempered with sensitivity. If you don’t like the dress, tactfully let her know you don’t like the dress. But don’t lie to her. Eventually, the truth will come out. Then, the trust factor is damaged.

She needs to know her worth with you. She wants you to be proud of her. She wants some credit for her contribution to your life. She needs to know she is of value.

Don’t treat your wife like she doesn’t know anything. Part of the problem is that women and men think differently - they approach things differently. Her way is not inferior to yours. It’s just different.

 She needs to know you trust her. Too many men treat their wives as if they were too stupid to handle anything. Do you trust your wife with the finances? Believe me, she doesn’t want to go broke any more than you do! She really want spend it all.

She doesn’t have to be sitting at your feet all the time. She needs some freedom to develop as a person. We all need a healthy balance of dependence upon each other and independence, as well.

Don’t smother her. Don’t hold her down. Don’t try to control her every moment. She may even need a little break from you every once in a while. Don’t be hurt by that. She is not rejecting you. She just needs to be herself a little.

A good marriage is about will have about 80% or better togetherness, and sufficient separateness to permit individual growth and privacy. That privacy will help each of you to become better people in your own personal lives.

Now, there is a big difference between romance and sex. Romance begins in the morning with the attitude you show toward her, the respect with which you treat her, to courtesy and consideration you give her.

 Romance is that constant wooing - that continual pursuit. Too often, because a man is so goal oriented, he feels that once he got her to the altar, the pursuit was over. Oh no, my friend. If you stop there, you stop short. Both partners in the marriage need to remember that you must constantly win each other. Nothing makes a woman fell more like a woman than to be pursued by the man of her dreams. And believe me, husband, if you will pursue her in that way, you will always remain the man of her dreams.

A woman’s satisfaction in intimacy is affected by every aspect of the relationship. She can’t be intimate with you when you have treated her harshly or thoughtlessly. (It may take you 15 seconds to warm up, but it takes her all day.)

Your wife needs a satisfying physical relationship as much as you do. You need to talk together about these things and resolve any problems. This is a major part of your relationship. Don’t be afraid to talk about it.

If your wife is not your best friend, why not? What happened? She used to be. When you were courting, she was it. You’d rather spend time with her than anybody else. So, get the courtship going again.

 She needs for you to be her friend - to care about the things she cares about - to respect her strengths and be patient with her weaknesses. She needs for you to keep liking her. You need to have common interests, common values. Without that, the relationship will begin to disintegrate.

A relationship cannot exist without kindness, consideration, communication, adjustments, joint participation in shared interests and activities, and common value systems.

Let me explain. Each individual is responsible for his or her own happiness. Happiness is not something someone else can give you. It comes from your own mental attitude. There are some people who seem to be born miserable, they stay miserable throughout their lives, and they make everybody around them share their misery. God help the spouse who has the responsibility of making that person happy.

No one can "make" you happy, or sad, or mad, or anything else. No, you have to choose to give in to these emotions. You have to decide how you will respond to each of life’s ebbs and flows.

Don’t make your spouse responsible for your happiness. They cannot bear the weight of that responsibility for a lifetime without breaking down somewhere along the way.

Some people release their pent-up emotions of anger and frustration on their families. Worse yet, they justify it because they "have to let off the steam somewhere".

There is no quicker way to lose the respect of your spouse and drive a wedge into the relationship. Home is a place to feel secure and loved, not a place to be abused by some brute who is out of control. Your home should a sanctuary for every family member, not just the biggest and baddest.

She needs for you to be kind, thoughtful, considerate, and gentle. She needs for you to be the kind of man she would want her son to grow up to be.

Relationships are based on trust. Feelings of love may rise and fall, but trust must be a constant factor. Trust ensures a sense of security and comfort in the relationship. You feel safe with someone you can trust. You can be truly intimate with someone you can trust. Trust forms the basis of long term commitment. It is comforting to know that there is someone I can trust with my deepest secrets.

 Trust, however, must be balanced with wisdom. Married couples need to exercise caution with friendships outside of the marriage. It is never wise to get too close to someone of the opposite sex, or to allow your spouse the freedom to do so. I’ve heard several young men say, "Oh, don’t worry. He’s my best friend. Nothing would ever happen between my wife and him." Of course, they were devastated when she left him for his best friend.

Men, don’t even look at another woman! Don’t ever give your wife reason to question your allegiance to her. You be a one woman man - with the same woman - for life.

Fellas, sometimes we are just too independent. It’s part of our macho psyche. "I’m tough! I don’t need anything. I don’t need anybody. I can handle anything." But, maybe your wife needs to see a little vulnerability there somewhere. Maybe she needs to know that you do need her.

Good marriages are based on a mutual dependence. She is your helpmeet. If you didn’t need one, why did God make one? Don’t be afraid to let your wife see your weaknesses. If you try to keep them from her, there will be something missing in your relationship. If she feels like you can get along just fine without her, there will be insecurity on her part in the relationship.

Husbands and wives should enjoy one another. You need to have fun together. There is something miraculous about laughing together. It cements relationships like nothing else can. Think about it. If you don’t enjoy each other, how long can you stay together?

Things change. Things don’t always go the way you expect. You have to be flexible in life, and you have to be flexible in relationships. A good marriage takes constant adjustment. When one person changes, the other has to make allowances. There must be a mutual tolerance. We have to allow each other the latitude to change from time to time - in small things and in big things. If my wife changes her hair style, I can handle that fairly easily. But what if she changes her theological views on some things. Can I adjust? Can I tolerate the differences? If the relationship is going to remain healthy, I must allow her the freedom to grow, even if that growth doesn’t fit my agenda.

(Now, don’t get me wrong. There are limits to how much we can allow. There are some standards that are unchangeable, and there are some issues that must be negotiated. There are areas where a mutual compromise must take place. A healthy marriage is made up of many mutual compromises. That is part of the flexibility that is required.)

Your wife needs to know that you are going to be there for her in good times and bad. She needs to be sure of your commitment to her and to your family. Strong marriages are made of people who give each other emotional support. She needs to know you want bail out when the heat is on. She also needs to know you won’t fall apart. Don’t’ let her have questions in this area. Let her know she can trust you.

Don’t let your relationship get bogged down and boring. Surprise here every once in a while with something unexpected. Flowers for no reason. Unexpected gifts.

Don’t be so ‘the same’ and so predictable that there is on wonder left in the relationship. Take her somewhere she’d never expect you to take her. Do something different. (She needs for you to be interesting.)

Try this - on a long trip, take a slight detour - make an unexpected stop - blow her mind. She never thought you’d get off the main road. Stop and smell the roses. She’ll love you for it, and she’ll just be excited waiting to see what you’re going to do next.

(We were coming from Ohio once, going through Tennessee, when Patti saw a sign for some old Hillbilly Museum. She said, "Oh, I’d love to go see that." I took the exit, went about 20 miles out of the way, spent the rest of the day at the museum - and she’s never let me forget it. It was a good investment in our relationship.)

Does your wife know that you accept her, unconditionally? As we have said, some things are flexible, but then again, some things are not. Can you accept the things that are not? There are some things a person cannot or will not change. There are some things that you might want to change that don’t need to be changed. Can you live with that? If you can’t, your marriage will eventually be in trouble. Remember, God did not bring you into this world for the sole purpose of changing your spouse.

She needs to know you accept her imperfections and understand her limitations. There may be things that she doesn’t like about herself. She may be working on them. But she needs to know that you accept her where she’s at.

Believe it or not, there are many things I love about my wife and a few things I don’t like. (You will never know what those things are, because I don’t talk about them.) But, I have learned accept those things, because some of them, she cannot change, and others don’t need to be changed.

There are some things you need to just stop fighting about and go on with life. Focus on the strengths of your marriage, not on the differences.

When couples come to me for premarital counseling, I always ask them, "How long do you plan to stay married." Without exception, they always respond, "Forever." I have never had one couple put any shorter duration of their relationship. But then, a few years later, some of them are thinking, "I can’t believe I signed up for life."

Folks, I believe in marriage, and I believe that marriage is no less than a lifetime commitment. If you have any other notions, your relationship is already in trouble. When my wife said I do, I said, "You’re stuck now." There may be times when we don’t act like we love each other. There may be times when we don’t like each other. But there will never be a time when we are not married to each other and committed to each other. We signed up for life, and if it comes to that, we’ll just fight it out and settle it. But we agreed that nobody gets to bail out. Instead, we’ll work it out.

I’ve noticed that marriages tend to get stronger with age instead of weaker. That’s because of all the shared memories together. Every once in a while, we’ll get out the photo albums and just reminisce. Sometimes we’ll sit and share funny stories, touching moments, (Kodak moments). It brings a new freshness to the relationship. It brings a warmth. It’s great to have someone to share all the memories with. Do that often and you’ll find your relationship getting stronger.

Love and marriage require lots of time and attention. Time together is good, but if it’s always with somebody else, it’s not pure time together. Time in front of the TV is not good quality time. Husbands and wives need time to talk to gether - time to dream together - time to just be together.

 When was the last time you took your wife out on a date? She needs that. And so do you.

Sir, you are the priest of your home. Like it or not, it is your job. You must take spiritual leadership. Faith is not a ‘woman thing’. It is a human thing. Your wife needs you spiritual leadership - your spiritual covering. God made you the leader. Don’t make your wife have to carry the load here.

 Men, I challenge you - take up your spiritual leadership in your home. Your family’s eternal destiny may be in your hands. Lead your family in devotions and prayer. Pray for your wife and children. Intercede for them. Don’t let Satan wreak havoc on them unchallenged. Fight the good fight.