Instead, i'm drinking rose hip tea and it tastes like i should stop.
i was remembering about swimming and imagining drowning.
When i was little, there was nothing in the world better
than sinking to the bottom of a pool, a lake, the ocean, my bathtub...
i kept my eyes open always, even if it stung, because it's amazing
to see everything and hear nothing but a heart beat.
Used to stay so long, walking the bottom, that my soles would bleed.
i liked it.
my mom called me a mermaid.
i liked that too.
we'd get home and i'd put on warm, dry clothes.
i had this shirt, it was dark blue with seal on it,
and i wore it with my pink-starred long johns.
Thing about me is, i'm hard to keep awake,
especially if i'd rather be swimming/sleeping.
The thing about sinking is that one has to exhale completely,
before the bottom can be reached.
Now i think about things like it being just so far away...
It took me years to learn that keeping my head above water was possible.
I don't like it much...
why be out of danger of drowing when you could be in control of it?
Dad and i used to test ourselves to see how long we could go.
i wonder if he knew that i rather liked the idea of running out.
Used to pose in my bathing suits.
i don't remember not having hips, but i do remember not hating them.
Remembering i didn't hate them is remembering i didn't see them.
Mirrors are magic i think, and easy to drown in.
That is a death that frightens me...it's too real.
i don't swim anymore.
i'm not a mermaid,
and i don't know how long i can go before i run out.
i want my seal shrit and pink-starred bottoms, but they don't fit.
Maybe i'll just go to sleep instead.
No one will miss me while i sleep.