JAN2002ARCHIVES

Friday, January 11, 2002

"A New Year's Prayer"

Dear God: I know I have made mistakes this year, but I am hoping that you will find it in Your Eternal goodness to look over me in the coming year. May You guide me to always do right and to be the best person I can possibly be. And please look over those people in my life who mean so much to me�my family, Ethan, and Whitney especially. Thank you, O Lord, for all your blessings. I will do my best this year to deserve them.

Thursday, January 10, 2002

"New Year's Resolutions"

6. Tell Ethan I love him every single day
7. Save up to buy Mama a day at the spa (to make up for all the stress I caused her)
8. Help Ethan get his law practice off the ground
9. Cook a family dinner once a week so we can all be together
10. Spend a moment each day being grateful for everything I have.

Wednesday, January 9, 2002

"New Year's Resolutions"

1. Marry Ethan�the sooner, the better.
2. Stop getting myself into situations that I have to lie myself out of.
3. Never go near Julian Crane again.
4. Be there for Luis and Miguel more�they are both going through hard times.
5. Get Chad and Whitney back together.

Tuesday, January 8, 2002

"Vibes"

I have the strangest feeling that if I can just make it through tonight, then everything will be okay. God, I sound like Charity... although I guess it makes sense that I feel this way tonight, considering everything I went through today. Seriously though, I feel like tonight is the moment of truth and that if nothing bad happens, then Ethan and I will be okay. Could that really be? Could it be that if I don't turn into a pumpkin (or something worse!) within the next few hours, then Ethan and I can live happily ever after? I wonder...

Monday, January 7, 2002

"Ringing in the New Year"

I hope I look somewhat presentable�or at least better than I feel on the inside. The last thing on earth that I want to do right now is go to a party...but I know I have no choice. If I don't go, Ethan (not to mention Ivy) will be suspicious and I can't take that chance. The thing is, after the day I've had and everything I've gone through, all I want to do is curl up in bed. More than anything, I wish I could go to sleep and forget that this horrible day ever happened. Well, I guess there's one good thing about tonight. It is New Year's Eve after all...the beginning of a New Year. Maybe that means that starting tomorrow, the slate will be officially wiped clean and I can have a brand new, fresh start...

Friday, January 4, 2002

"The Moment of Truth"

Today is the day. I've made the hardest decision of my life and there's no going back now. I'm going to go to the clinic and do what I have to do. May God, my family, and Ethan forgive me. May I someday be able to forgive myself...

Thursday, January 3, 2002

"Homecoming?"

What a strange night! An intruder in the house? How scary is that? But then the strangest part of all-Mama doesn't think it was an intruder. She thinks it was Antonio! I wonder if she's right. It would be amazing to see Antonio again-now more than ever. It would almost be like fate sending something good our way, when so much bad stuff has been happening. Tonight, when I lie down in bed, I'm going to try to forget about what's going on with me and just pray that Antonio comes back to us for real. What an amazing Christmas miracle that would be...

Wednesday, January 2, 2002

"Quality Time"

It was nice spending time at the Bennett's before. While we were there, I actually forgot about all the drama going on in my own life. It's funny. Who would have thought a year ago that Ethan would be hanging out and spending time with his half-sisters? When he first found out he was a Bennett, not a Crane, he was so devastated. But now he couldn't be happier to be a part of such a warm, loving family. I'm so glad something so good happened to him this year. He deserves all the good things in the world. That's why he can never find out I'm pregnant with Julian's baby. He doesn't deserve that. He just doesn't.

Friday, January 18, 2002

"Not-So Sweet Dreams"

I just had the most horrible nightmare. I dreamt that Ethan found out everything...about Julian and me sleeping together...about my pregnancy...about going to the abortion clinic. What a horrible, horrible dream�I can't even think about that happening. So...I'm not going to think about it. I'm going to go downstairs, have some juice, and tell Mama all about my terrible nightmare.

Thursday, January 17, 2002

"Endless Suffering"

Oh God. I can't believe this night. I can't believe what I've done. When will this horrible nightmare come to an end? After what's happened tonight, I'm not so sure it ever will...

Wednesday, January 16, 2002

"Damage Control"

If I had one wish right now, both Ethan and Luis would walk into the mansion right now and give up going after Julian. I would do anything in the world to make that happen. I'd even give up Ethan forever, if it meant saving him from ruining his life by killing Julian. I would die if either Ethan or Luis had to spend the rest of their lives in jail because of me. After all the horrible things that have happened, that would be the worst thing of all. I couldn't bear to make either one of them suffer.

Tuesday, January 15, 2002

"Ready to Kill"

What a nightmare. Ethan and Luis are both out there on the Crane grounds, ready to kill Julian. And this time, I'm not exaggerating�I know they will kill Julian for what he did to me! And then they will have to spend the rest of their lives in jail...all because of me. I wish there were someway that I could step them. But I know Ethan and Luis so well, and right now there is nothing that anyone (not even me) could do to change their minds. They know how Julian hurt me, and neither one of them would ever, ever let him get away with that.

Monday, January 14, 2002

"In Your Eyes"

Well, it's happened. All of my worst fears have come true. Ethan knows everything. He knows that I slept with Julian...that I got pregnant with his baby...even that I went to the abortion clinic. I've never seen such devastation in the eyes of the man I love. I know I've hurt him before�when he found out I knew he wasn't a Crane and when he found out I married Julian�but this time was different. The pain in his eyes was so strong, so intense�it was like he couldn't take it anymore. No matter what Whitney, or Mama, or Dr. Russell, or Mrs. Bennett say, I know it's over between Ethan and me. They don't know him the way I know him...and I know what I saw in his eyes. And I have no one to blame but myself.

Friday, January 25, 2002

"Settling the Score"

I'm going over to the Crane Mansion right now to give Ivy and Rebecca a piece of my mind. After I spoke to Gwen, I felt like I was at fault for everything that's happened to Ethan. But you know what? I'm not. Yes, I may have lied and kept secrets from him that I shouldn't have...but I probably wouldn't have had to if Ivy and Rebecca weren't always pushing to bring me down and break us up. If I had been dealing with a fair playing field, I probably would never have taken the actions I was forced to take. I guess I'll never know now, but there's one thing I do know. I'm not going to let Ivy and Rebecca get away with what they've done.

Thursday, January 24, 2002

"Unanswered Questions"

I hate to say this (or even think it), but is Gwen right? Would Ethan have been better off if he never met me? I mean, the things she said made sense. He would still be living as a Crane if I hadn't scanned Ivy's papers into my computer. And that means, he would have a real law career right now...as a Crane he could have gotten any job he wanted. He'd be married to Gwen-and whether or not he was happy, he would at least be settled in a stable relationship. Could I really have caused this much pain for the man I love more than life itself? And does that mean I should stay away from him forever?

Wednesday, January 23, 2002

"Learning from My Mistakes"

If there's one thing I've learned from this whole mess, it's that you can't take love for granted. And you have to do anything and everything in your power to hold onto the love in your life-because you never know what the future will hold. That's why I have to help Whitney find Chad right now! If I can't be with Ethan, I have to make sure that at least my very best friend is with the man she loves. Maybe Whitney can benefit from the mistakes I've made. And who knows? If they can work things out, than maybe that will be some kind of sign...a sign that Ethan and I can work things out.

Tuesday, January 22, 2002

"You Gotta Have Faith"

I can't believe I ever thought Ethan came here to work things out-to move forward in our relationship. How could I have been so stupid to think he wanted to work things out after everything that's happened? Well, now I know the truth. The hurt in his eyes and the pain in his voice were so intense. And the things he said to me-he's never spoken to me that way before-he was so incredibly disappointed in me. I think that's what broke my heart the most-Ethan has never, ever been disappointed in me before. He's always had so much faith in me. Can he ever get that faith back? Can something like that be destroyed forever? Maybe it's not too late to get him to see everything we have together...maybe I just need to go and find him.

Monday, January 21, 2002

"Last Chance"

I was so hopeful when Ethan showed up here. After everything that happened last night, I'd been convinced that it was over between us-that he'd never want to see me again-but when I saw him, all that went out the window. All of a sudden, there was a glimmer of hope once again. But now that glimmer is gone. Ethan only came here to end our relationship forever. I'll never, ever forget every word he just said to me. They will be burned in my heart forever.

Week of January 28 - February 2, 2002

Friday, February 1, 2002

"Theresa's Room"

I had to do something to take my mind off of my talk with Ethan, so I found myself at the Book Caf�. After all, how else is a woman of the new millennium (such as myself) supposed to cheer herself up besides surfing the net? Of course, shopping or a manicure always works too, but it is night after all...Anyway, much to my own surprise, I wound up feeling better. Beth told me about this new site that a lot of girls have been into called "Rachel's Room" . Rachel is this teenage girl who puts a webcam in her room. At least I think she did--to be honest, I haven't quite figured out yet if it's a show or real life or what...although these days my own life is like a soap opera...so what's the difference, really? I have to say, it was very cool--Rachel's drama definitely took my mind off my own, at least for a few minutes. This week she actually kissed her health teacher (who also happens to be her mom's boyfriend)! Although, I guess that's really nothing compared to sleeping with the ex-father of your fianc�...even if you were drunk and didn't mean to do it. Oh well, so much for taking my mind off Ethan...it seems he's never very far from my thoughts.

Thursday, January 31, 2002

"Change of Heart?"

Every time I hear Ethan say he can't forgive me-that we can't be together ever again-it's like another knife in my heart. You'd think I wouldn't want to torture myself by asking him over and over. But it's like I can't help it. When I see him, my heart completely takes over my head and I need to know if anything's changed. But nothing ever changes...he still doesn't think he can ever trust me again. And the worst part is-it's not like I really blame him. I know I keep saying that I can change but the truth is...why should he believe me? I lied to him so many times...and every time I lied, I said I'd never lie again. But I just can't help but hope that someday when I ask him if we could ever have a future together, he just might say yes.

Wednesday, January 30, 2002

"Ghost"

What a strange night. Could I have really seen Sheridan in the pool with Luis? Luis said he was with Sheridan-that he saw her and felt her. Why would we both have seen her if she wasn't really there? I mean, I know Hank came up with an explanation-and it sounded pretty reasonable-but part of me still believes I really saw Sheridan. But I can't say that to Luis again. After all, it may not have been real and I wouldn't want to give him false hope. He's going through enough right now without having to cling to the belief that he was with Sheridan again tonight. Still, I wonder...

Tuesday, January 29, 2002

"This Crazy World"

Poor Luis. I've been so caught up in my own problems that I haven't paid attention to how much he's still grieving for Sheridan. I've hardly ever seen him lose it the way he did in the library earlier-when he sent all those pictures crashing to the floor. He's so angry at the world for taking Sheridan away from him. And I could never blame him for that. The love he and Sheridan shared was so real, so pure, so good. It was the kind of love that should have lasted forever, but instead, it was ripped away from them. What kind of world is this where two people who deserve to share a wonderful, happy life together are denied that opportunity? With everything that's happened lately to Luis, Sheridan, Ethan, and me, it's like I don't know what to have faith in anymore.

Monday, January 28, 2002

"Murder, She Wrote"

I know Luis doesn't ever want me saying this to anyone again-but I did want to kill Julian that night. I wanted him to die for what he did to me...for causing me to lose Ethan, the love of my life. And you know what? May God forgive me, but I'm glad he's dead. Now he's finally paying for ruining my life. And best of all, I have the peace of knowing that he won't be able to ruin anyone else's life ever again. But I have a feeling, for my own sake, that's all I should say about this right now...