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Week of February 18 - 22, 2002

Friday, February 22, 2002

"No Way Out?"

Think, Theresa, think. There must be a way to end this pain...to stop feeling the way I'm feeling. Because the truth is, I just don't think I can bear to feel like this for another day-it hurts way too much to be without Ethan. But what can I do? Wait a minute, maybe there is a way I can finally feel better...

Thursday, February 21, 2002

"Running Away"

I have to admit, part of me wishes I could leave Harmony right now. It would be so easy just to leave town and never have to think about Ethan again. But what would that solve? The fact is that simply leaving town wouldn't stop me from thinking about Ethan. I could move to Antarctica or Africa, and he would be in my heart and my thoughts wherever I went. You know what? It's pretty hard to face the fact that your pain is never going to end, no matter where you go or what you do. And that's exactly what I seem to be facing right now. My God...could this really be true? Is there really no way out of this misery?

Wednesday, February 20, 2002

"Breaking Up is Hard to Do"

I've been sitting here and wondering when life became so complicated. I remember when all I used to worry about was whether I had enough money for a cute skirt at the mall, or what movie Whitney and I should go see. The worst things ever got was when I had a bad hair day! Boy, do I wish bad hair days were all I had to worry about. Now, all I can think about is how I'm going to get up every morning and face the day, when that simple task seems utterly impossible. Now, I'm left wondering how I'm going to go on with my life without the only man I've ever loved. And now, I have to worry about if I'm ever going to feel happiness again, or if the only thing I'll ever feel is pain and loneliness. It's times like this when I realize that growing up (and falling in love!) maybe isn't everything it's cracked up to be.

Tuesday, February 19, 2002

"Save the Last Dance for Me"

I wonder if Whitney's having fun at the dance. Maybe by now she and Chad have worked things out. Maybe they're even dancing together by now to a nice slow, romantic song. Well there's one thing I can be sure of-there's no way her night could have worked out any worse than mine. At least she's in the same room right now with the man she loves...that's one step ahead of me, right?

Monday, February 18, 2002

"Going for the Gold"

Since the Olympics are on, I can�t help but wonder what "sports" I could compete in? Most tears shed in one day? Biggest broken-heart? Most pathetic life without the man you love? What about-best job screwing up your own life? Something tells me that not only could I compete in these...I'd probably win gold!

Week of February 11 - 15, 2002

Friday, February 15, 2002

"Me, Myself, and I"

I'm glad I left that stupid dance at the Youth Center and came home. The last thing I needed was to see Ethan and Gwen dancing the night away. Of course, now that I'm home, I don't know what to do with myself. Luis and Miguel aren't home, and I don't know where Mama is. It's just me. Well, I should rephrase that�it's just me and my thousands of memories of Ethan. No matter what I do, I just can't seem to stop thinking of him...

Thursday, February 14, 2002

"Happy Valentine's Day To Me"

Well, I might as well wish myself a Happy Valentine's Day, because the man I love is certainly not going to. In fact, it looks like I'm going to spend Valentine's Day alone for the rest of my life. No flowers, no candy, no romantic cards....and most importantly, no Ethan.

Wednesday, February 13, 2002

"A Life Less Ordinary"

Why do I keep getting my hopes up, only to have them crash all around me over and over? When Ethan found me and put my jacket around my shoulders...I felt my hopes soar once again. It was such a small, ordinary moment-the kind of moment we always used to share-and that's why it meant so much. I used to find such joy in just those day-to-day moments with Ethan-walking along holding hands, the way he'd brush my hair out of my eyes, or how he'd always have a handkerchief when my eyes would fill with happy tears. When Ethan gently put my coat around me, all of those moments came flooding back, and it was as if we were together again. But of course, we weren't. He made it perfectly clear that it didn't mean anything. The fact is we're still apart, and it looks like we always will be.

Tuesday, February 12, 2002

"Love is a Battlefield"

I never thought I would lose everything I've ever believed in. I used to believe in "happily ever after" and in "love conquering all." But now, how can I? Not one person in my life has lived "happily ever after." And love certainly hasn't "conquered all." Luis lost Sheridan. Chad and Whitney can't seem to find common ground. Charity broke up with Miguel for no apparent reason. Even Mama lost Papa all those years ago. It makes me wonder if somewhere out there Antonio has a broken heart...or if he's managed to find love and keep it. The way things are going, I can't help but doubt it...but I sure hope that he's the one person who's beaten the odds.

Monday, February 11, 2002

"Let's Do the Time Warp Again"

You know, it's strange. I almost feel like the last few years of my life never happened. Walking into the dance and seeing Gwen in Ethan's arm...it was like Ethan and I were never even together. All of a sudden, I felt like I was trapped in one big time warp-like I was back at that Halloween Dance where I had to watch Ethan and Gwen dancing together. Of course, on that night, I wound up in Ethan's arms by the end of the night. Unfortunately, something tells me that's not going to happen tonight...

Week of February 4 - 8, 2002

Friday, February 8, 2002

"Turning Point"

I'm going to help Whitney get back together with Chad if it's the last thing I do! My own life is screwed up beyond repair, but Whitney's isn't. And if I can't be with the man I love, than she should at least be with the man she loves! So, I'm going to drag her to this dance at the Youth Center where Chad is DJ'ing-kicking and screaming, if I have to. I have a good feeling about tonight. Something big is going to happen to Whitney!

Thursday, February 7, 2002

"Life Force"

Here I am back at the Book Caf�. Well, at least this time I have Whitney with me, so I'm not all alone. She's so good to me. Even with all the drama I've put her through, she's stuck by my side. Even just the little things she does mean a lot-like going to get me hot chocolate right now. I don't know what I'd do without her support. If she hadn't come along before when I was sitting outside in Lighthouse Park, I'd probably still be there right now-catching a cold that could jeopardize the health of my baby and me. And I know Whitney's right. I do have to focus on my baby right now. No matter what I'm going through, I still have a life growing inside of me. I need to remember that...always.

Wednesday, February 6, 2002

"Here's a Story..."

God, I just realized that a year ago was the engagement party for Ethan and me. That should have been the beginning of our lives together, but it was really the beginning of the end. That was the night when the truth came out about Ethan's paternity. I tried to tell myself otherwise, but deep down I knew Ethan and I were in trouble after that evening. I truly think that's the night that set everything in motion. After that, the tabloid falsely claimed I sent them the email...Ethan called off the wedding ...I was forced to go down to Bermuda to see Julian...and the rest is the story of how my life came crashing down.

Tuesday, February 5, 2002

"Lending a Helping Book"

I wonder how Luis is doing. He was so shaken up after he thought he saw Sheridan. It's like he can't let her go. Of course, I can't blame him-I know more than anyone how hard it is to let go of the person you love more than life itself. Anyway, I want to do something nice for him. Maybe I should get him a copy of "1001 Ways to Heal a Hurting Heart." I mean, it didn't help me-but maybe it would help him. At the very least, I think it would help him to know that I'm thinking of him and want to help him. Because maybe if I can't heal my own heart, I can help heal my big brother's heart.

Monday, February 4, 2002

"Self-help...or not!"

Since I'm here at the Book Caf�, I thought maybe I could find a book to help me deal with losing Ethan. So, I found this one called "1001 Ways to Heal a Hurting Heart." I figured with 1001 ways, at least one of them had to help, right? Well, I guess I was wrong. I looked through the whole book and I still don't feel any better. Somehow, taking a relaxing bath and indulging in my favorite dessert aren't going to cut it right now. I think the only thing that could heal my "hurting heart" is hearing Ethan say the words, "I forgive you." Without him in my life, my heart is just going to keep on hurting.