DEC2001ARCHIVES

Friday, December 28, 2001

"Please Forgive Me, Mama"

Oh God. That was definitely one of the worst moments in my life. I may as well have taken a knife and stuck it into Mama's heart. The look on her face when she realized I have an appointment at the clinic was just unbearable. I hate what I'm doing to Mama-I truly hate it. If there was another way to deal with this, I would. But I know there isn't. I just wish I didn't have to break my Mama's heart in the process. I pray that someday she will understand why I have to do this-and that one day she can forgive me.

Thursday, December 27, 2001

"Old Beginnings"

Well, it might be a new day...but nothing has changed. My life is the same disaster as it was yesterday. I'm still pregnant with Julian's baby. And I'll still lose him forever if he finds out the truth. This morning, for a split second when I woke up (from about an hour's worth of sleep), I thought this was all a terrible nightmare. But then the awful truth sunk in once again-that this is all to real. I wish I could get under the covers in my bed right now and just disappear. But I can't. That's why I only have one choice. It's time to go to my appointment and put this whole "nightmare" behind me.

Wednesday, December 26, 2001

"The Clock is Ticking"

This is getting a little too close for comfort. Now that Ivy knows, it's only a matter of time before she exposes my secret. Mama stopped her in her tracks today, but next time around I may not be so lucky. I know Ivy won't give up before she rips Ethan and me apart-and now she has the ammunition to do it. That's why there's only one thing I can do. It's not what I want to do-that's for sure-but it's the only way. It's the only way for Ethan and me to be together.

Friday, December 21, 2001

"No Turning Back"

Well, that's it. I signed on the dotted line. I made my decision-the most important decision of my life. I know Whitney and the counselor said I can always change my mind...but they're wrong. I can't change my mind because there's no other alternative. Whitney is right about one thing, though. I don't want to do this. More than anything in the world, I wish I didn't have to. But I do...because no amount of wishing in the world is going to change the mess that I'm in.

Thursday, December 20, 2001

"My Final Answer"

I'm sitting here looking through the material the counselor gave me, but I know it won't make any difference. I hate to say it-I really do-but there is truly only one thing for me to do. I've thought about it so much-every which way there is to think about it and it all comes back to this. So, as soon as the counselor comes back to talk to me, I'm going to tell her I've made up my mind.

Wednesday, December 19, 2001

"Unanswered Questions"

Is Whitney right? If I do this-if I go through with the abortion-will I regret it for the rest of my life? Will it destroy me forever? How can I possibly answer these questions...when they are all so theoretical? The only question I can answer, without a doubt, is whether Ethan will leave me if he finds out I'm carrying Julian's baby. The answer to that is a resounding "yes." So knowing that...and knowing I can't be sure of anything else...it seems like there's only one decision I can possibly make. Right?

Tuesday, December 18, 2001

"A Knight in Shining Armor"

Ethan is the most wonderful man in the world. I can't believe he went to talk to Gavin, Lynn's boyfriend, to try to talk some sense into him about Lynn's pregnancy. I mean, how many guys out there would do that? This situation had nothing to do with Ethan-Ethan hardly even knows Lynn-yet he put himself on the line in order to help her. That's exactly the kind of man he is, though. That's the man I fell in love with. And that's the man I can't lose...no matter what.

Monday, December 17, 2001

"Mixed Emotions"

That was a really close call. When Ethan overheard me on the phone with the clinic, my mind went completely blank. I truly had no idea what I was going to say to him. It's lucky he thought I was making the appointment for Lynn...or I don't know what would have happened. I guess I don't know much of anything right now. It's so strange (okay, that's an understatement) to think about doing something I've never believed in-something that goes against the entire way I was raised. But then again, do you really ever know how you'd react to a situation unless you're in the situation? You can be so sure of your beliefs, so sure of your values...and then something comes along that turns your whole world upside down...

Friday, December 14, 2001

"Keeping it Together"

I just can't listen to what Whitney is saying right now. I can't think of what's inside of me as a baby. My God, that changes everything...I just can't think of it that way. If I did, I would lose it. I swear I would. And I can't fall apart right now. I have to stay focused. I have to make this phone call.

Thursday, December 13, 2001

"Theresa's Choice"

Running into Lynn was a sign. No let me rephrase...it was fate. Why else would I have bumped into her today, of all days, unless fate was trying to tell me something? The fact is; Lynn lost Gavin. And the reason she lost him was because she's pregnant...just like I will lose Ethan because of my pregnancy. I'm sorry...so sorry...but I just can't lose Ethan. There's only one thing I can do...

Wednesday, December 12, 2001

"Topsy Turvy"

Did you ever feel like your whole world was turned upside down-like everything you know that's right is wrong, and everything you know that's wrong is right? That probably doesn't even make sense-not that it matters. I'm not looking for a response-this is my diary, after all. Anyway, there are not really any words right now to describe what I'm feeling. It's like my head is spinning in a million different directions at once...like it couldn't possibly slow down, even if I wanted it to. I guess that's what happens when you're facing the toughest decision of your life. But as I told Whitney, it's not like I have too many options to choose from. In fact, right now, there's only one that I think would help my situation...

Tuesday, December 11, 2001

"Time Changes Everything"

It's hard to believe that one of the last times I was here, at the ice skating pond, I was wearing Ethan's engagement ring-but it was meant for Gwen! I remember it so clearly-I had gone with Ethan to help him pick out Gwen's engagement ring and the ring got stuck on my finger! I was so sure it was a sign that Ethan and I were meant to be together. I just knew it was fate! I guess I was right, because now Ethan and I are together. Of course, it's a little more complicated than that...If anyone had told me then, that I'd be engaged to Ethan and pregnant with Julian's baby, I never would have believed them. But fast forward to today, and here I am...engaged to Ethan and pregnant with Julian's baby.

Monday, December 10, 2001

"My Hero"

Thank God Mama didn't tell Ethan the truth. I guess when she saw Ethan propose to me, she realized how deep our love is...and that she shouldn't take that away from us. Speaking of the proposal, sometimes I'm not sure how I got so lucky to have Ethan in my life. Somehow the most wonderful, perfect, romantic man in the entire world chose me-and I will never stop thanking God for that. Despite all the turmoil we've gone through this year, he has still stood by my side. And then tonight, he actually got down on bended knee and proposed to me, as if nothing in the past ever happened, as if nothing in the world matters but our love for each other. I want so much to deserve the love Ethan has given me. And that's why I can't disappoint him by telling him the truth about my pregnancy...I just can't.

Friday, December 7, 2001

"Mommie Dearest"

I don't have much time to write. Thank God Mama didn't tell anyone the truth. She's in the kitchen now with Dr. Russell-maybe she'll calm down and realize telling the truth wouldn't do any good right now. I better put my diary away though. Mrs. Crane is eyeing me so suspiciously. It's like she knows I'm hiding something and she'll do whatever it takes to find out what it is...

Thursday, December 6, 2001

"Damage Control"

I swear, the look on Mama's face when she realized I was really pregnant with Julian's baby just about killed me. It hurt so much to see the disappointment in her eyes, to know I let her down in the worst way I could ever possibly let her down. How did everything get so out of control? I've not only wrecked my own life, but Mama's life too! And if Ethan and Luis find out the truth-I'll ruin their lives also! That settles it-I can't let Mama tell everyone the truth right now. I know she's upset and that she thinks telling the truth will be for the best...but there's no way it can be for the best. If the truth about my pregnancy comes out, it will be a total disaster!

Wednesday, December 5, 2001

"The Ties that Bind"

I know Dr. Russell is right-that I have to think of the baby first right now. But it's hard to do that when none of this even seems real. It's like the only thing my brain can process is what this means for Ethan and me. If there's one thing I'm sure of it's that I can't lose him. I would die without him-he's everything to me. So that means I absolutely cannot tell him that I'm pregnant with Julian's baby-he'd never forgive me. The problem is...what am I going to do? Dr. Russell was right again when she said I'm going to show soon. And once I do, I won't be able to keep this a secret. I'll come up with something so that I won't lose Ethan-I know I will. And until then, I'll just take this one day at a time.

Tuesday, December 4, 2001

"What Next?"

I know Dr. Russell is right-that I have to think of the baby first right now. But it's hard to do that when none of this even seems real. It's like the only thing my brain can process is what this means for Ethan and me. If there's one thing I'm sure of it's that I can't lose him. I would die without him-he's everything to me. So that means I absolutely cannot tell him that I'm pregnant with Julian's baby-he'd never forgive me. The problem is...what am I going to do? Dr. Russell was right again when she said I'm going to show soon. And once I do, I won't be able to keep this a secret. I'll come up with something so that I won't lose Ethan-I know I will. And until then, I'll just take this one day at a time.

Monday, December 3, 2001

"Where's Fate When You Need It?"

If I ever thought my life was a mess before, I was wrong. Nothing could ever top this-I'm in the biggest mess of my life. How can I be pregnant with Julian Crane's baby? My life wasn't supposed to go this way-it just wasn't. I was supposed to get married to Ethan, have a family with him, and live happily ever after. Fate was supposed to make sure it happened that way. Fate was supposed to help me out...so how could this be?