TITLE:  Secrets Kill
AUTHOR: LJSAngel
EMAIL: [email protected]
DISCLAIMER:  "Say you really like BtVS and AtS alot, or we could say you didn't like them at all.  "Blah, i wish Joss Whedon didn't own the characters" you'd say to yourself.."
"Stop.  You're saying it wrong."  Duh, they're not mine.
TIMELINE: After "Darla"
SPOILERS: Up to "Darla" to be safe
SYNOPSIS: Around "Darla", Cor and lindsey are drawn to each other.  But there are factors at work.. Evil lawyer.. Best friend Angel..
AUTHORS NOTES:  Another Cordy/Lindsey fic.  Beginning to adore this pairing..Angel's obsessing over finding Darla, Darla's all 'I have a soul now, woe is me'.  Cordy and Lindsey are sick of it.  Told from Various POV.  When a POV changes, it will say so.  Angel has two POV parts at the end, just so you know.
FEEDBACK: It's a new ship to me and all so please feedback ; It won't go to waste I assure you
RELATIONSHIP: Cordelia/Lindsey
RATING:  R
CONTENT:  Sexual references, swearage.  Warning of shock

Cordelia
 

I'm not gonna help him.  I'm not.  Screw him.  I won't help him self destruct.  Darla this, Darla fucking that.  Screw her too.  Stupid freak.  I mean 400 years old and he still wants to save her.

I'm goddamn sick of this.  I'm sick of the constant Darla brooding.  I'm sick of the caring how she is and where she is.

I'm not gonna tell him.  I won't.

"Cor, you find where Darla's staying?"

"Apartment 5B, Ocean Drive."

"Gone."

Darla, Darla, Darla, Darla.  Here I am, and he couldn't give a crap.

No I'm not in love with him.  But it pisses me off.

I've never been in love.  Xander wasn't love, couldn't have been.  But it hurt.  A lot.  Too much.

I don't think I'll ever fall in love.

It's not like he's gonna call Angel-Investigations-we-help-the-losers-in-between-finding-Darla-and-brooding.

Jesus, there's the phone.  Could it be about.. Darla?  Hmm lets all work out that statistics on that one.
 

Lindsey
 

"We need you to find Darla, Mr McDonald.  Before Angel does."

"I will Sir."

"You will."

I replace the phone carefully and dig the heels of my hands in my eyes.  Darla.

Ever since the raising.

Darla.

Darla, Darla, Darla, Darla.

I'm fucking sick of it.  Having Angel beat the shit out of me every fucking time I see him.

I need to get away.

He's probably obsessed with her as well.  Which means Angel Investigations are out of the game for a while.

Poor Wesley, Gunn and.. Cordelia.  I take the file from my desk and open it.

Cordelia Chase.

Every intimate detail of her life.

I remember seeing her there.  When I went to ask Angel for help with the gifted children.  My lapse of good.

Anyway, Cordelia.  Was there.  There's not really a word to describe her.  But that's what lawyers are.  They describe things, talk their way out of situations.  Cordelia could outsmart me any day.

I say that with pride.  She's so fast and funny and not bad to look at.  She's um.. very good to look at.

She's beautiful.  Too beautiful to be working for that prick, Angel.  She should be on national tv every night.  Her own show.

Closest I'll ever get to her you know.

She probably wouldn't look at me twice because I work for Wolfram and Hart and she's probably in love with someone else.

Oh yeah, and I did kinda try to kill her.

I didn't mean to.  No, that's a lie.  I just.. did what I had to do.  I didn't really know her then.  It was after I lost my hand i checked up on her.

Her life.. Riches to rags.  She's changed but stayed the same.  She's matured but still kept her teenage innocence.  She's is still a teenager.  I have to remind myself of that.

If I called her, what would she do.  What would she say.  She'd come out with something.. quirky and unmistakably Cordelia speak.  Then she'd probably hang up on me.

I remember when I came back.  I told them that I hoped I hadn't worried them.

She replied, without looking up, "We just figured you were dead."

I'm gonna call her.

"This is Angel Investigations.  We help the hopeless."

"Hi Cordelia.  It's Lindsey.. McDonald," I say biting my lip.

"Wow you called the right place.  We do help the hopeless.  However, at present time there doesn't seem to be a cure for evil, Lindsey so you'll have to go back to the ouija, I mean, drawing board."

"I didn't mean to piss you off."

"Yeah I'm petty like that to people who try to kill me."  Fair blow.  Better change subject.

"How's the search for Darla going?"

"Is your brain working in some way the normal man's isn't?  You're evil and need to go to an evil home. We're enemies.  You don't call your enemies and ask for information.  It's not.. polite."

"Sure."

"Are you hanging up?"

"Do you want me to?"

"I'm up for hurting Wolfram and Hart's phone bill a little.  So.  Seen any good movies lately?"

"No.  I was gonna go and see Valentine tonight."

"Yeah that looks good.  Nothing like taking a break from all the slashing and killing of your work by going to see a stalk and slash."

"I thought so."

"I'm been driven crazy by--"

"--Darla.  Me too," I nod smiling.  I knew.  I knew she'd understand.

"It's driving me round the bends in the wall.  Can Wolfram and Hart kill her already?  No wait, let me guess.  She's part of some mighty ominous plan."

"That's about the it."

"God.  So I was wondering, why haven't we met the senior partners?  Do hey like have four legs?  Are the Hell demons?"

"I'm not sure.  Highest man I know personally is Holland Manners.  People are on a need to know basis."

"Aren't we always?"

"Cordelia..."

"Mmm hmm?"

"Would you..um," I laugh at the irony.  "Would you like to come to the cinema tonight?"

"With you?"

Oh God, Lindsey well done.  Get rejected.  You the man.

"As said before, I could use a little relaxation from all the blood guts and mayhem by going to see Valentine.  Count moi in."

"You sure?"

"You regret asking?"

"Do you trust me?"

"No."

Short answer, fair enough.  I'm hardly Joe reliable.

"I've got my eye on you Mr McDonald."
 

Cordelia

I'm flirting!  With Lindsey, I'm flirting with evil lawyer guy.  Rich evil lawyer guy.  He's sending a limo for me.  I used to have this.  Not evil - Money.

Just so we're clear.  That's not why I'm going out with him OK?  It's cuz.. he looks good and has a nice laugh.  And.. well there's lots of reasons.  Ones that I can't think of right now.  But dammit, there's reasons.

~~~

So Valentine was good.  The ending was intriguing and.. Lindsey was the cutest of the cute you can possibly fathom.  Maxi cute.  And sexy.  He brought me napkins with my popcorn so I don't wipe it on my clothes which I thought was pretty decent.

And cute.  I won't lie.  I was three centimetres away from asking him in for "coffee."

What would that make me Lindsey McDonalds whore?  And I really wouldn't mind being one of those.

Dennis would love that.  Actual evil lawyer.  He'd have a ghosty field day.  He means well.

Wait, what the Hell am I doing?

I'm talking about Lindsey like I want to date him.  As in date -date-.

Crazy.  I can't do that.  Angel and all--

Screw him.  He can go fuck Darla and become Angelus for all the attention he's been paying to me.  Sure it's important and sure it's a karma thing and sure he was with her for 150 years but get some fucking perspective!!

I thought Lindsey was into Darla for a while back.  Doesn't seem to be anymore.  We only mentioned her once all night.  He said how sick he was of it and the Special Projects and he wanted to go back to litigating.

His mouth does this thing when he smiles that's cute.

But I don't like have a crush on him or anything.  It's just when a person likes another person who's great to look at, great to talk to, makes you laugh, completely perfect in every aspect when the evil thing's taken out of the equation...

I have a crush on him.
 

Lindsey

Well I had a great time.  The movie wasn't bad at all.  You'd think I had a hidden agenda taking her to see a horror slasher movie but I didn't.

She did grip my hand when Denise Richards got hers in the hot tub.

After that, i started imagining Cordelia in the hot tub - not dead of course.  Just in one.  In a two piece with her hair wet and pushed back sexily.  I'm there too.  We have champagne and we're toasting to a new relationship.

We forget who we are and what the Hell we're doing and that we come from the opposite sides of the war fence.

And she kisses me.

Then of course I came back to reality.  She slipped her hand into mine permanently.  When Kate was running away from the Cherub and they tumbled down the stairs, she buried her face in my chest.  And when the killer sat up, she shrieked and pulled me closer to her.

I smelled her hair.  Her apple shampoo mingling with her Calvin Klein perfume.

Then we went for a hot dog at one of Cordelia's favourite stands.  We talked some more.  About the movie, about each other.  It was nice.  LA never looked so beautiful.  God I must definitely like her if I'm coming out with stuff like that.
 

2 Weeks Later
 

Cordelia

We're still seeing each other.  Lindsey knows how hard this is for me.  To lie to my friends.  Betray them.  But every time I see him it gets both easier and harder.

Easier because something that feels so right shouldn't be so wrong.  And harder because I feel now I'm in too deep and I can't ever get to safety.  No turning back.  But I don't really want to.  Have you ever been in those arms of Lindsey McDonald's?  Oh my God.  The way he makes me feel.

We haven't slept together yet.  We've both been too nervous to give into ourselves thinking the other's going to end it and break our hearts.  We think so alike.  How can we be so different?

It's tearing me up - outside as well as in.  I never met Lindsey before or during work.  Angel would smell him all over me.

What would Doyle think of his princess now?  Stabbing Angel in the back like this.  I wish I could tell him.  I wish there would be an easy answer.

But something that's easy is not worth fighting for.
 

Lindsey

I'm seeing Cordelia tonight.  Every time I see her, I go through stages.  First I feel nauseated.  Then, I start to hum and tingle all over.  Next comes the fear that it will be our last time.  And that makes me near to tears.  It's unexplainable, I know.  And it makes me out to be some kind of pussy.  But it's true.

When I think that she would take my hand and tell me it's over/we can't see each other any more/it's too risky/it's not working, my response verges on meltdown.  Panic attack.  I never panic.

I'm afraid to sleep with her.  To make love to her and then for her to tell me it's over.  That would finish me.

Fuck Angel.  Fuck Wolfram and Hart.  Fuck Darla.  Fuck death.  Fuck every other reason we can't be together.  I need to talk to her tonight.  Let her know how I feel.  Lay it out and hope for the best.  If we're not honest with each other I don't how the fuck we'll survive.
 

Cordelia

"Cordelia," Lindsey said to me opening the door of the hotel room he rented.  We're getting dinner in 5 star luxury private.

"Wow," I say coming in and looking around.  "This place.. Is fantastic."  I accidentally  wander to the bedroom.  he appears behind me.  "That's a big bed.  Nice."

"He's coming to take your order in five minutes," Lindsey reminds me kissing my shoulder.

I go back through and sit at the beautifully laid table.  Lindsey pulls out my chair and everything.

"What's wrong?" I ask.  "You seem edgy."

"We need to talk."

"No, no no no.  You didn't take me here, to this place to.. to.. to dump me--" I stutter pnaicked, pointing at him.

"No!  I wanted to talk.  About us.  About our future and what I've been thinking about."

"Oh," I say sitting back down.

"Are you going to leave me?" He says looking straight at me.

"Are you going to leave me?" I counter.

"I asked you first," Lindsey reminded me and I just stare at him.  He breaks.  "No I'm not.  But I kept thinking you'll leave me."

"I kept thinking that too.  Only reversed," I admit.  "Are you?  Gonna?"

"No, Cordelia.  This is the best thing I've had going in a long long time.  Out of everything in my life.  I'm not about to go and give it up."

I smile in relief.  "Good.  I feel the same way."

He reaches across and holds my hand.  The waiter knocks on the door for our order and comes in.

"We might skip dinner tonight," I say not taking my eyes off Lindsey.  "If that's all right with you.  If you could also hang the do not disturb sign on the door as well..."

"As you wish ma'am."

"Cordelia--" he starts.

I get up and walk to his side of the table.  "I've decided.  You talk too much.  Stop it OK?  Stop it long enough to make love to me."

He swallows and sits back in his seat. God I love that.  He looks kinda nervous and vulnerable and sweet sitting there.  I could just.. y'know.

"I-I could do that," he smiles finally.  I grin back and pull his hand gently.  He gets up and follows me to the bedroom.
 

Lindsey

We did it.  We talked and then Cordelia told the waiter to hold our order.  Then she asked me to sleep with her.  Her voice so light with the dark hint of seduction.  I thought I was eiher gonna die or wake up.

And it was perfect.  Perfect place, perfect timing, perfect person.

Remind me never to let this go.
 

Cordelia

We sorta lay there.  In each others arms.  I fell asleep then woke up to find ice cream.  He ordered our desert and fed me in bed.  This is living that I love.  The way he smiles, the way he laughs.

The way the sheets feel around me, the way the ice cream feels smooth against my tongue and the way the it feels cold against my stomach.  The way his arms feel so warm, forgetting and protecting around me.  The way his mouth begs to be kissed and when I do, the way that it has this power over me to not give a damn.  And give it all.  To him.

I love it all.  I crave it all.

It's like we're in our own bubble.  Where nothing or anybody can touch us.

Untouchable.

I wish.  Oh God I wish.

My decision.  I have to make it.  I already promised Lindsey I wouldn't leave him.  We both silently know that our promises count for nothing but our hearts count for everything.  I can't stop Lindsey and I.  I can't.  I won't.  So the only other way to get out of the living Hell known as my life is to fake my death, emigrate to Peru and live in a shack with no phone or electricity so he can never track me down.

Or I could tell him.

Tell Angel.  About Lindsey and I.  How I can't stop it.  Like a snowball.  The kind of snowball you like and don't want to stop.

Tell Angel.  Is that my decision?  Its gonna be harder to decide than actually to do it.  Maybe I should start out light by telling Wesley or Gunn.

Forget the tortured romance between a vampire with a soul and a vampire slayer- this is the real thing
 

Lindsey

How the hell did I get to be this lucky huh?  Sitting here clothed in silk sheets, feeding Cordelia Chase with ice cream.  I look into her eyes.  She tries to be with me.  But I know she's somewhere else.  She's thinking.  About what she's done and what's she's gonna do.  I should help her, ask her.  Or keep a happy face on disaster and keep going, feeding her ice cream.  Hoping she'll come back to me.

She does.  She's pushed it out of her mind.  She smiles an apologetic smile and I don't even need to respond because she knows exactly what I'm thinking.
 

Week Later
 

Cordelia

Last night was fantastic.  Incredible.  Unbelievable.  Ok every night the last week has been like that.

It's been three weeks since Lindsey and I's first date and every time we meet up it gets more and more intense.  And it's not just about the sex.  It's about the being.  The fact we're together.  And we're both grateful.

But now, out of the bubble and back to work.  I fight with him.  Side by side.  And he doesn't even sense it.  Can't even tell.  I always leave at nine now when I used to stay until the small hours of the morning.  But he doesn't say anything.  Just a broody nod and a 'see you tomorrow Cordy.'

He knows I have this secret  I'm sure he knows.  How much more obvious could I possibly be?

I have to tell him.  It all.  I have to beg him to give me a second chance for betraying him and--

Wait.  Wait a minute.  Me?  Beg?  For a second chance?  Why wouldn't he give me one?  He's had more second chances than well.. someone who's had a lot of 'em.

He was evil.  Then good.  Sex with Buffy.  Evil.  Then good.  Drugs.  Evil.  Then good.  OK so he's had a lot of chances.  And Lindsey.  Well he came to Angel.  Angel tried to help him but Lindsey made the wrong choice.

But everyone deserves a second, Hell a third chance don't they?

And Lindsey's really changing.  He is.  I feel it.  he just has to say it.

And one of has to pick the side.  We can't keep sleeping with the enemy.  We have to choose. I have to go evil - which doesn't really appeal to me because Hell and all; or he has to go good.

I make it sound so simple and formulaic don't I?  Well it ain't.

He's not just any evil lawyer, he's my evil lawyer.

I sit down at my desk as I do every night at five to nine when Angel's in his office.  Dialling the Wolfram and Hart number I know off by heart now and telling Lindsey I'm done and I'll see him wherever we decide to see each other.

Well this night it's the Lions den.  Yup.  I'm going to Wolfram and Hart.

He said it would be fine an he had something he wanted to show me.  So I'll go.  I believe him.

"Bye Angel I'm taking off!" I say putting my bag over my shoulder and walking out.

"See you tomorrow Cordelia," he says through the back.  Then I stop.  Maybe I should tell him tonight.

"Angel?"

"Yes?" He replies coming through to the front.  I lean over the reception desk.

"Angel.. Um..  Do you think everyone deserves a second chance?"

"You know I know that better than anybody."

"Oh.  Right."  Boy I suck at being inconspicuous.  "Are we.. Angel are we.."

"What?" He says softly.

"Are we... friends?"

"Of course we are. What's wrong?"

"And you forgive your friends, right?"

"You've done it often enough for me.  What's wrong?"

"Nothing.  I just wanted to check.  For future reference."

"All right.  Anything else."

"Nope, I'm good," I lied and scurried out there.
 

Angel

I sit and wait.  Just thinking.  About Buffy.  About how I miss her and ache for her.  And how she'd be disgusted with me for pursuing Darla like I am now.  But then my thoughts drift to Cordelia.  And our conversation.

There's something she's not telling me.  The past couple of weeks it's been the same.  Leaving earlier and earlier than she usually does.  Always calling before she does.  And that there.  Asking me if I would forgive her...

Every day she comes in smelling the same.  She showers thoroughly.  But it can't hide it.

Guilt.

Sex.

Fear

Guilt, sex, fear, guilt, sex, fear.  All mingling together with her perfume and apple scented shampoo.

I need to find what this is about.  I go over to her desk, looking up.  Checking she's gone.  I hit the re dial button on the phone and listen.

"Wolfram and Hart how may I direct your call.  Hello?  Hello?"

Silently I put down the phone.  My head buzzing.  What is she doing with Wolfram and Hart?

I decide to not let her make this mistake and grab my car keys.  To Hell with the security system.  First stop Lindsey McDonald's office.  He'll know what she's doing with the law firm from hell.  Literally.
 

Cordelia

I'm here.  The Wolfram and Hart building looming over head.  Taking a breath I step inside and immediately see Lindsey waiting for me in the lobby.  He notices me and walks over, smiling.  He whispers in my ear that what he wants to show me is upstairs.  I nod and follow him into the elevator.  Weeks ago I would have to be taken up by gun point but I trust Lindsey so much now.

God it's freaky.  When we reach his office, he opens the door for me and steps inside.  He goes to his desk and opens a drawer.  He motions for me to sit down and takes a box over to me.

He opens it nervously and inside is the most incredible, beautiful silver necklace.  Delicately fine with a blue stone encrusted every couple of centimetres.

"Do.. do you like it?"

"God Lindsey I love it," I say and I hope to God he doesn't notice the tears.  No one has ever done anything like that for me before.  Ever.  Well Xander's locket doesn't count because well, it cost like five dollars and.. well he wasn't Lindsey.  I kiss my lawyer from Hell and well.. lets just say we still can't keep our hands off of each other.

Before I know it, I'm loosening his tie and he's pleasantly surprised by the kissing.  I jump up on his desk and unbutton his shirt.  He grins and bends over me, kissing me flat out on the desk.  I sweep the papers away with my arms and then--

Angel.

Here.

Angel has burst through the door.  He looks at Lindsey with his tie off and his shirt hanging from his shoulders and then he looks at me with my shirt opened and my skirt halfway up my thighs.

"Angel.." I manage to say.  what else am I supposed to say?  Surprise?  I'm sleeping with Lindsey because you never gave me a raise and you're obsessed with Darla?

"What is going on?" Is all he can say.  Lindsey takes my hand and helps me up off of the desk.

"Angel, you should go.  The guards will be here.." Lindsey says softly.

"Fuck the guards!" Angel roars and tears across the room.  He grabs Lindsey's neck with one hand and throws him against the wall.  "What did you do to her?!" He yells

"Angel!" I shriek.

"Cordelia leave," Angel says quietly as Lindsey struggles with the hand around his throat.

"No!  No I will not.  Angel I'm with Lindsey.  As in with with.  For the last three weeks."  Or well I could have said Lindsey's into me, as in in into, but that's a bit.. y'know.

He stares straight into me as I tell him this.  Like I'm tearing him down.

"It's not something I planned or wanted to happen.  But it did.  And you gave up giving a damn a few weeks ago when you started the Darla obsession.  How's that working out for you?"

Angel let go of Lindsey who fell to the floor.  Lindsey stood up slowly and faced Angel.

"Angel.  I know you care about Cordelia..."

"You don't know me or what's important to me but you try to screw with it anyway!  Cordelia don't you see?  He's doing this for Wolfram and Hart to get back at us!!!"

"You.  You mean he's trying to get back at you.  Angel not everything is about you.  And I know what and how I feel."

"I'm not doing this for Wolfram and Hart.  Angel I think I'm falling in love with her."

And then he did it.  Angel did it.  He snapped.  And so did I in a different way.
 

Lindsey
 

"Angel, you should go.  The guards will be here.." I say verging on quiet.  I hate Angel.  But he means a lot to Cordelia so he's better to go before they stake him.

"Fuck the guards!" Angel yells and grabs my neck throwing me against the wall.  "What did you do to her?!" He accuses

"Angel!" Cordelia screams in shock.

"Cordelia leave," Angel says quietly as I try to pry his goddamn hand off me with my one.  Fair I ask you?  No.  God it hurts, I feel dizzy like my brain might pop.

"No!  No I will not.  Angel I'm with Lindsey.  As in with with.  For the last three weeks."  She's so beautiful.. Brave and defiant.  She knows what she's doing.  He stares at her like something so big has been taken away.  She continues.

"It's not something I planned or wanted to happen.  But it did.  And you gave up giving a damn a few weeks ago when you started the Darla obsession.  How's that working out for you?"

Angel loosened his grip of me and I fall onto the ground.  Gradually I push myself up.

"Angel.  I know you care about Cordelia..." I try to reason.

"You don't know me or what's important to me but you try to screw with it anyway!  Cordelia don't you see?  He's doing this for Wolfram and Hart to get back at us!!!" He snaps.

"You.  You mean he's trying to get back at you.  Angel not everything is about you.  And I know what and how I feel," Cordelia fights back.

"I'm not doing this for Wolfram and Hart.  Angel I think I'm falling in love with her," I say softly looking at my beautiful Cordelia.

The only good thing you know, seeing her.  All the rest is nothing to me any more.
 

Angel
 

"Angel, you should go.  The guards will be here.." Lindsey warns me.  WARNS ME?  I seriously am gonna kill him now.

"Fuck the guards!" I say angered and grip Lindsey's neck with my right hand.  I throw him hard against the wall.  "What did you do to her?!"

"Angel!" Cordelia yelps.

"Cordelia leave," I say calm as I can be as Lindsey struggles under my dominance.

"No!  No I will not.  Angel I'm with Lindsey.  As in with with.  For the last three weeks."

Because that didn't tear into my soul.  Cordelia, sweet Cordelia.  And him.  Did you forget he tried to kill you?!

"It's not something I planned or wanted to happen.  But it did.  And you gave up giving a damn a few weeks ago when you started the Darla obsession.  How's that working out for you?" She says annoyed.

I let go of Lindsey and he drops like a stone.  He gets up and looks square at me.

"Angel.  I know you care about Cordelia..."

"You don't know me or what's important to me but you try to screw with it anyway!  Cordelia don't you see?  He's doing this for Wolfram and Hart to get back at us!!!" I say enraged.

"You.  You mean he's trying to get back at you.  Angel not everything is about you.  And I know what and how I feel."

"I'm not doing this for Wolfram and Hart.  Angel I think I'm falling in love with her."

That did it.  That sent me over to the edge.  I twisted his head off his no neck body.  And he dropped like a stone once more.  But this time lifelessly.

Dead.

By my hand.  I broke his neck.  In a moment of passion.

And pure, clear, beautiful hatred.

And now comes the time to hate myself as Cordelia cradles his broken body and weeps softly into his hair.  Then she cries out.  A loud, sore, painful cry of loss.  She pulls his body closer to her and whispers to herself like in a mantra over and over again.

And there she stays.  Rocking his body in the middle of Lindsey McDonald's office in Wolfram and Hart.  I have to leave now.  She won't go with me.

"Cordelia.. We have to go.." I say gently and apologetically.  Then they come to the office door, alerted by my goddamned presence.  They draw their guns from the holsters and aim at Cordelia while the stakes are poised for me.  "Cordelia!"

I grab her round the waist, tearing her away from Lindsey and jump out of the window backwards.  We free fall for a while and when we hit, I use my body to guard hers.  And we both lie there for a second.  Tears still readily available and flowing down her face and blood marring my hands.

Slowly, I get up and pull her to me.  She struggles.  Crying out and thrashing at me but I pull her to my car and drive her to safety.  She doesn't say anything else.  Just stares straight ahead.

She wants to kill me.  She's visualizing it.  staking me, burning me.  I don't blame her.  Immolation suddenly looks good.

"Why?" She finally spits out.

"The guards were there and I had to get you to safety," I say avoiding the question I know she's asking me.

"No, why?  Why did you?"

"Cordelia I'm so sorry.  I snapped and--"

"Snapped his neck?  OK so it wasn't the most conventional of relationships.  So he was a lawyer.  But you coulda took some time.  You think I didn't want to tell you?  You think I didn't rehearse the conversation in my head a bazillion times?"

"Cordelia.."

"You see me killing Buffy do you?  Oh you're a vampire, she's a slayer.  That doesn't go.  I think I'll just break her neck."

I bite myself willing to keep quiet from her onslaught of words.

Like I don't have enough to atone for.
 

Cordelia

I've seen people die before.  Never anybody I loved.

And I never got the chance to tell him.  Just like with Xander.  Never told him that I loved him.  He kissed Willow.

But Lindsey was so different.  He was honestly starting to be my everything.

They say you don't know what you got til it's gone.  Bullshit.  I knew what I had.  because I knew I shouldn't have it.  And I knew it could end.

But not like this.  It never should of ended like this.  I should of been me.  I'm the betrayal, not him.

And it's my fault.  I should have been more careful for Angel not to find out like that.  I should have told him.  In a place where Lindsey wasn't and no weapons.  I should of told him.

Secrets kill.

I think I get that now.
 
 

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I wanna know about what you think of the Cordy and Lindsey 'ship and if I'm any good at it!  PLEASE.  Me begging ain't pretty