I'm not tempted.  I'm not.  I not OK?  So I seen him for lunch?  Big whoop.  So I left my plastic at home and he offered to pay.  Doesn't mean I think more of him.  He's still soul sucking lawyer boy that my boss cut off the hand of.  It's not like I felt anything when his hand grazed mine as he handed the money over.

Then he asked me to sit with him.  I don't know why I did but I accepted.  So we sat.  He ate his salad roll while I toyed with my coffee and bagel.  We talked.  We never mentioned Angel.  And we talked.  For hours.

It was nice.

No it wasn't.  It was crappy.  Crappy roll, crappy coffee and it's all his fault.  It's like his eyes just made the coffee sucky.  These deep, deep, oh so sinkable blue eyes that make you want to rip his 4000 dollar suit off.

Not me.  i don't want to do that.  I said you.  You.  Any other woman would want him but I however, don't.

Plus it's not like I can base a relationship on his eyes.  Hey your an evil lawyer who sold your soul for a six figure salary and a full benefits package but you have gorgeous eyes so lets date.

If it was more it'd be different.  Well his hair's really soft and shiny.  Really kissable.  Then kinda you want to run your hands through and grip mid-organsm as you scream 'Lindsey'...

But hair is again not the best basis for dating him.  Good basis for a shampoo commercial but not for dinner and a movie.  I mean imagine that you're sitting there in the movie and you're sorta scared so what do you do?  Grab his hair?  No.  Well his hand would be right next to mine.

He's got those hands.. sorry hand, which is so smooth and I can imagine it wrapped around me as I kiss his mouth.  Oh God his beautiful mouth.  So sweet and so perfect.  Beautiful and when he grins it's like the devils come out to play. and brought some friends.

And when he laughs and then pulls his hair back with his hand.  Talk about sex personified.

And his clothes.  They look good and he knows style when he sees it.  They look nice for about five minutes before I'm imagining tearing them off.  Oh god and when he brushed my hand at the table...

I had to think about Angel and.. and.. Wesley.. Gunn... Dennis.. Anything to keep me taking Lindsey in the middle of the deli.

I get this thing in my stomach.  It jumps.  It's a light airy kind of feeling.  My head goes all weird and funky.  Jesus I want to know what's under that shirt.

I want to stride into Wolfram and Hart and grab his tie and pull him into his office.  He doesn't need to ask before he starts making love to me.  kissing my neck and trailing down to my breasts and I'm begging him.

On his desk.

In Wolfram and Hart.

The same law firm that wants to kill my best friend and boss.

He probably has some files on Angel on his desk and we just throw them off.  He's slipping off my dress and I'm pulling off his jacket and...

"Cordelia?"

What?  What the Hell was i doing?

"Cordelia?" Angel repeats.

"What?" i choke.

"You all right?"

No just dreaming about having sex with the lawyer that wants to kill you.  No biggie.

"Fine.  Fine."

"Ok," he nods and walks away.

I breath a sigh of relief and then faster and faster.  My hairs are sticking on end and my whole body is ravished by goosebumps.  I reach into my bag and pull out a card.

He gave it to me.  He told me to call him if ever--

// "Well whenever.." he grins and walks out. //

Involuntarily I pick up the phone and press it to my ear.  Then i start punching the numbers.  555-8974.  Oh God it's ringing.  God Cordelia put down the phone.  Cordelia put down the goddamn phone!!

I can't.  I'm frozen.  Then a voice.  A female voice.  Did the wibbly jello resemblent version of me dial the wrong number?  Thank God.

"Wolfram and Hart.  How may I direct you call?"

Damn, damn damn.  Right number, stupid receptionist.

"L--Lindsey Mc-(i clear my throat) McDonald please."

"One moment."

Music.  Holding call music.  Stupid classical crap making me even jumpier and a goddamn crappy orchestra making my flesh crawl and remind me of..

"Lindsey McDonald.  Attorney at Law."

It's him.  Oh God it's him.  I dialled this number.  And now he's on the phone.

Duh Cordelia that's how phones work.  You should know that of all people.

Say something or it's gonna be totally creepy.

What?

"Hi Lindsey."

Basic.  So so very basic.

"Cordelia."

Crap he knows its me.  That's the pretend to be a client plan out the window.

"How'd you know?"

"Caller ID.  Didn't expect you to be calling from work."

"Calling for what?  i must have um.. pushed the wrong number."

"All seven of 'em?"

"I have it on speed dial," I say quickly.

"Why would you have Wolfram and Harts number on speed dial at Angel Investigations I wonder."

"Dinner!" i blurt out.  Fantastic Cordelia.  Just great.

"Sorry?"

"Dinner.  I was ordering some takeout."

"And you wanted to invite the senior partners round to break bread at Angel Investigations?"

"you.  I mean not those guys.  You.  But not here."

"Where?"

"My place?"

Oh crap he's gonna say no.  The longer the pause the more he's thinking of something hurtful to say and he'll just--

"Love to.  What time?"

"Eightish?"

"Fine with me.  I'll see you Cordelia."

"Don't you wanna know my address?"

"I know it."

"You do?"

"Are you so surprised?"

He knows my address.  He knows it.  Maybe he feels.. or is it because of Angel.  Were they gonna kill me or something?  No they would have done it by now.  Right?

 Angel!  Crap!  He just walked by.

"Who you talking to Cordy?" He asks grabbing the coffee pot and flipping the lid.

I block the mouthpiece.  "No one."

"Client?"

"No.  I mean my sister."

"you don't have a sister."

"Step sister.  From my dads other marriage.  I like to think of her as my own."

"Never knew that.  Let me speak to her," he chuckles.  God he's so trusting.  he never would know.

"No!  i mean no, she's shy."

"OK tell her I said hi then," he says waiting there.  God he's gonna stay there.

"Hi.. Sarah," i say groping for a name.,

"Cordelia what is it?  Sarah?  Sarah?"

"So I'd love to have dinner when you come to town."

"Cordelia what's wrong?  I'm in town," Lindsey says confused.

"I'm fine.  Love you sis," I say into the mouth piece staring at Angel.  He waves to remind me.  "My boss says hi.  Look forward to seeing you- bye," i say quickly and put it down.  I glance at my watch.  7.30.  Crap!

Cordelia, next time you make dinner plans, check your goddamn watch first!

"Angel, I gotta take off."

"So soon?"

"Date?"

"With who?"

He'll want to meet the date and then I'll have to hire someone to pretend to like me and--

"Dennis.  His favourite movie's on cable and we have this whole Audrey Hepburn night on tv planned."

"Audrey. I met Audrey."

"You didn't bite her did you?"

"No.  Enjoy that movie night," he says sitting on the edge of the desk as i grab my coat.

"Will do."

Keep walking Cordelia.  Keep walking.  Don't look back, don't breathe.

"Cordelia!"

Crap!

"Yes?"

"You left your card on the table," he says bending over to pick it up.  I race there and snatch it off the hardwood surface before he can get it.  Wow i can move faster than Angel when i need to.

"Thanks."

You know what?  I recently lost my mind.  I mean it.  Here I am, driving double the speed limit to get to my house to order takeout for me and an evil lawyer who makes a living out of trying to kill Angel, Wes and I, and here's for the really freaky bit, I cannot stop thinking about him.

My car screeches into the parking space and I grab my bag and run up to my apartment.  I slam the door shut.

"Dennis you cleaned, God i love you," I tell the air about me also known as my flat mate.  "Sure this isn't a maternal thing cleaning?  Not complaining though.  OK listen.  A guy is coming over."

One of my bulbs fuses and blows out.  He gets really jealous.

"I know, I know the last time and all.  Please Dennis don't do anything.  And he is evil."

The other bulb fuses out.

"Costing me money here Den.  Look, you'll hate him I know you will.  Everybody hates him.  I hate him.  But I need to talk to him.  Over dinner.  So could you pass me the phone and dial a good takeout?"

The phone comes off the hook and the phone number of takeout presumably, is punched in.  The phone flies across to me.

"Hello Eastern Takeout.  May I take your order?"

"Um.. I'd like to order a meal for two.  Everything please.  Thanks.  Cordelia Chase--"  There's a knock at the door.  I quickly tell her my address and hang up the phone.  There's the knock again.

"Coming!"

I check myself in the mirror.  I throw off my over sized denim shirt knotted around my waist to reveal the white halter top underneath.  Matched with blue hipsters, i look fine.

Who am I kidding?  he'll come to the door dressed no doubt in a gorgeous blue suit and his hair perfect and here I am, Sunnydale's former May Queen and I look like something that flew off the back of a train wreck.

"Coming!" I reply to the knock.  taking a deep breath and cursing my existence, i open it.

And silence.  Nothing.  I can't even form a thought about him.  Standing there.  In the blue suit and light blue shirt loosened at the top button and clutching a bottle of Moet in his good hand.  he can't do anything either.  Then he breaks out into a grin.

"You look great," he compliments.

"I do?  I mean I do.  You do too.  You do."  Dammit that sounded so stupid.  I wouldn't be surprised if he walked his cute ass outta here after that exchange, Hell I would.  Out of embarrassment.

"So can I come in?"  Oh God yes you can come in.  No wait, you can't.  We shouldn't be doing this.  We shouldn't even be talking.  Is that what you lawyers do?  Bring Moet over to the house of your worst enemy?

"That's what i invited you over for."

He laughs a little and comes inside.  I shut the door and lean against it.  Tension commence.  Nope it's already started about half an hour ago when i called him.  Hell it started at lunch when him and his platinum card decided to buy me lunch.  It started when Angel cut off his hand because Lindsey was trying to burn the scrolls that would save my life.  It started after he went 180 and decided to do good and I got to see him in a semi different light then decided he wanted the world instead of his soul.  It started after the first time I saw him.  It started after I started day dreaming about him.  Believe me, this isn't the source of my tension.

"I brought some champagne."

"Thank you.  Takeouts on it's way and.."

Suddenly the television flips on.

"Wiring?" i suggest pulling that old excuse out again.

"Your ghost Dennis right?"

"Yeah.. how'd you..."

"Researching and I came across it.." He nods sitting down.  He pulls his hair back so smoothly but it falls around his eyes anyway.  I fight the urge to go over and smooth it back myself and kiss his forehead and tell him..

"Right.  Right," i mumble walking into the kitchen.

"Need some help?"

"I'll be fine," I shout back through washing my face in cold water.

"This is awkward," his voice says right behind me.  I jump and turn round still soaking wet.  I reach for the towel but he's already got it and is dabbing my face with it.  He hands it to me.  "We just ended up here," he whispers hoarsely.  "I can't think.."

I so know what he means.  My head is full of these words that should mean something and make some sense.  But they don't.  Good, evil, Angel, fight, enemy, hatred fade away.

Angel.

Oh God Angel.  I'm so sorry.  I'm so sorry Angel.  I'm crying on the inside, wailing at how stupid I am.

Before I know it, I'm crying on the outside too.  I'm crying and shaking so hard i don't think I'll ever stop.  My vision is blurred, my heart it torn and I feel like collapsing from exasperation.  Just sitting rocking myself in the middle of the kitchen, trying to block out everything.

Then I do, collapse, I mean.  I slump against the cupboard doors.  I feel a hand on my knee.  And one arm sliding round my shoulders pulling me away from my hurt.  Crushing me head to his chest.  My tears staining his shirt.  And his voice fills my head.

"Cordelia, Cordelia, Cordelia.." he whispers rocking me.  Holding me so close I can feel every pulse in his body racing and jumping frantically.  I clutch onto his jacket crying more softly now.  Wesley, Gunn, Angel.  Everything.  the good fight.  How nasty I was in high school.  That girl Marcy Ross felt so alienated by ME she turned homicidal and invisible.  My fault, my sin.  Xander, God Xander.  I never told him.  I wept for that.

I was holding myself so close to the one man I shouldn't be attracted to in the whole world but have never felt more strongly for and weeping for Xander.  For my broken heart that never healed.  For Owen Christopher, the piece of crap that used me in more ways than one.  How Angel saved me.  How Angel usually saves me.  I failed him.

I'm about to again.  I know what's going to happen.  I'm going to..

I turn my head upwards to Lindsey.  We're both in my kitchen on the floor rocking against each other.

He's crying.  I don't know why he is but he is.  I reach up and wipe a trickle away from his perfect cheek.

"Why are you.." I choke in hiccups.

"Because... you are," he swallows his eyes welling up again.  Slowly and ever so lightly I trace my nail down his jaw.  I touch his lips and then curl his hair behind his ear.  He does almost the same to me.  Slowly and hesitantly, he inches towards me.

I millimetre towards him.  So scared, God i'm so scared.  I've never been so scared of a kiss in my whole life.  I flutter my eyes shut.  Then I feel it.  I feel it rippling through me as his lips lightly touch mine and then so much deeper.  I think he thinks I don't like this, that I don't want this and he's going to pull away.

I grab his jacket and pull him closer to me, never letting him go.  My fingertips turn white from my grip.  His hand caresses my hair sliding down to my back.  So hot, so intense.  I have to break, for air.  I need that before I fail Angel completely and give myself to Lindsey.

It's not really my choice.  I can't fight it and I don't have the will power to argue.  I don't want to argue.  I just want him to kiss me again.  And he does.  this time it's more passionate as I lean back and let him kiss me deeper and more feverishly.  His hand is all over me at once, making up for the other one.  As are mine.  Itching to touch him and be close to him. He pulls me back up again and I hold his head as he pushes me and kisses me against of one my kitchen cupboards.

I reach for his tie and loosen it so that the knot falls out and I pull it off.  Then i pull off his jacket and throw it somewhere.  I reach for his belt and I feel his hand reach for mine.

"Are you sure?" He gasps so close to my cheek kissing my ear and neck.  "Cordelia you are so.. beautiful.  Are you sure?"

I'm not sure.  Once I fall into his arms I don't know if I can ever come abck.  Angel I'm sorry.  Wesley Gunn I'm so sorry.  I was tried and I failed.  I'm tempted.  Oh God I'm so tempted.

"I'm sure," I whisper in his ear.  He takes my hand and then pulls us both up.  He draws me close again kissing me everywhere he can.  I close my eyes and for the first time I can only see him.  I can.

I slip my hand in his and pull away.  I lead him to my bedroom and open the door.  The sheets are neatly made.  My new silk ones.  His grip on my hand tightens and he looks at me.

His eyes.  I want to put all of me in those eyes forever.  I'm about to kiss him but--

That goddamn freaking crappy I'm-gonna-rip-it-off-the-wall doorbell.  Lindsey didn't use the doorbell but stupid delivery guy does.  What a freak.

"I'll get it," I tell Lindsey smiling.  I go to the door and pull the handle.  But Dennis stops me.  I try again.

"Please Dennis I'm not gonna have sex with the delivery guy," I groan pulling against my ghost.  Then he pulls the peephole flap back.  I look through and then hit the ground hoping he didn't hear me.

"Cordelia?  Cordelia it's Angel, open up.  We've got a sludge demon downtown.  Unless you wanna miss out on all the ... sludge like fun.  Cordelia?"

I freeze trying to stay as silent as possible.  Then I hear footsteps approiaching the door.  Great, now the delivery guy comes.  He's knocking too.

"Miss Chase not in there?" The Delivery guy asks Angel outside my door.

"She doesn't seem to be.  She's supposed watching an Audrey Hepburn maarthon on cable."

"Na.  There's no Hepburn marathon.  Trust me.  My wifes crazy about Hepburn movies.  I'd know three month in advance if there was a marathon."

Great just shoot my lame ass excuse to Hell why don't you, you stupid delivery guy!

"Oh," Angel says in a dispointed voice.

"She phoned for a delivery 10 minutes ago."

"Oh.  That was quick."

"Slow night."

Then one of them knocks again.  I stay, not moving a muscle in my position against the door.  Taking a deep breath, I stand up, fix myself and open the door.

"Angel.  Ooh my delivery.  Thanks," I say coolly, taking the box.  "How much?"

"$17.95 for the two person combi meal," the delivery guy says in an oh so bored voice.  I smile in an oh so I'm-gonna-kill-you now smile.

"Thanks," I say handing him a twenty dollar bill.  "Keep the rest.  Angel, why are you here?"  The delivery guy shrugs and walks away.

"Sludge demon.  Wow, two people.  Dennis hungry?"

"Very."

"Amazing that."

"Sure is."

Angel reaches forward and for a moment my heart stops.  Then he fixes my strap that's twisted.

"Thanks."

"Is something wrong?"

"What would be wrong?"

"You tell me."  He leans forward a little more.  "That scent.."

"What scent?" I say panicked.  He can smell him, he can smell Lindsey.

"You using a different fabric softener?  Smells nice."

"Uh huh.  That all?  Breakfast At Tiffanys is coming on."

"The guy just said that there was no marathon on tonight."

"Yeah.. um.. well.. it was cancelled so rented it.  Promos are almost over."

"Ok.  Have a good night," he says walking away looking at me suspiciously.

He doesn't have to smell Lindsey in my house.  He's all over me.  So much it's choking me.  I shut my door and place the takeout on the table.

I walk slowly into my bedroom.  "Takeout's here.  Lindsey?" I say peering into the darkness.  Then he comes behind me slipping his arms around me kissing me.  I bet he's undressing me with his eyes because, boy howdy that's what I'm doing.

"Cordelia.." he murmurs into my neck.  i turn round to face him.  Slowly, i pull apart each of his buttons.  He kicks the bedroom door closed.  I slid his shirt over his shoulders revealing his incredible physique.  He undoes the straps of my top, sliding it off me.  I sit down on the bed and he leans down to kiss me.  His zippers is stuck and he starts to chuckle.  I slowly unzip his trousers and he wriggles out of them laughing.  He kisses my neck and lays me down carefully.

We made love twice that night.  The first time was about passionate and excitement.  Then second time was so tender, so peaceful.  It was about being with each other, perfection.  I slept with my head against his and our legs locked together.  He put his hands over mine.  In the morning we just lay there.  For 30 minutes not speaking.  Just smiling and thinking.  Then we made love a third time.

Temptation.  Temptation going by the name of Lindsey called.  And I gave in.

I failed them.

I'm sorry Angel.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry because I love it.  I need it and can't live another day without it.

God I'm so sorry.