Cordelia watched Angel through his office door, his head leaning on his right hand and staring at the worn book in front of him.  Auto-pilot brooding, as usual.

(Not that the thousand mile distance stare doesn't work for him)

She sighed and dropped her biro on the desk and shuffled her way past her desk and into his office.  Quietly, she slid the door closed behind her.

"Hey Cor," he said faintly chewing his lip.

"Hey, I just.."

"Wanted to know why I'm sitting all moody and reading a book?  You asked me yesterday," he faux breathed out.  Breathing soothed him, comforted him.  Reminded him of when he was alive.  Plus he'd been doing it ever since Darla turned him, even to her disgust.  The demon Angelus, breathed to blend in within a large crowd.  It makes the victim believe they're safe.  False sense of security.  When he got his Soul back he breathed because he'd been used to the worthless oxygen inflating and deflating his long dead lungs.  Habits were hard to kick.

Cordelia squinted and saw the title of the book: Utopia.  He read that all the time last year, to comfort him.  The pages were well thumbed, the jacket was falling off and the spine was broken in two places.  Yet still he duck taped it up and continued to read it.  Last time she recalled him reading it in his office was the day after they moved into the hotel.  Then he started sleeping worse because Darla 'sitting on top' of him in the night.  He became restless and uneasy.  He placed Utopia on the top shelf where it stayed until yesterday when he dusted it off and took it down.  It was like he had to be worthy or pure to read it.

"Yeah well, if it's at all possible, you seem more brood some today than you were yesterday but probably not as much as you will tomorrow."

"Yeah," he said thoughtfully, thinking of her misquote.

(Open up Angel,  Give me something to work with here..)

"You want to slip again Angel?  Push us away and go all crazy again?" She asked him.  He glared up at her.  Not threateningly, just gently asking her to leave.  "I know you slept with Darla."

//  No.. She can't..  //

Angel put down his book and stood up at once.  "What?"

"I know Angel.  She came to my apartment.  She came to kill me.  To make you take notice.  Make you go all dark."

(Goddamn hell-Bitch.  She ever comes within target launching distance of me ever again there's a big bulls eye on her heart)

"What happened?  Why didn't you say anything?"

//  If Darla just touched her slightly I'll go out, find her and stake her now. //

"Angel you may think a lot of your beloved Sire but she's nothing to me.  I'm human and I've lasted twenty minutes with three killer demons in that pit last week, I get visions that make my head implode, I've been speared and my heart broken all at once, I survived when you went all psycho killer and I've graduated from Sunnydale High.  Darla is nothing compared to that.  I nearly staked her but Dennis wouldn't let me outside my apartment.  He worries."

Angel nodded and sat back down holding his head in his hands.

// Cor I'm *so* sorry //

"Which is more than you do Angel."

"I worry."

"Oh yeah.  You were so worried about Angelus you went out and had sex with Darla just so you'd know we were all safe."

"Cordelia.."

"Do you have any idea that I slept at night with nineteen locks on my door in case newly freed leather pants boy came around?"

(Not that leather doesn't work for him...)

"Cordy.."

"I called in with Wesley and Gunn about every three hours to check nothing had happened.  Hell, Gunn, Wes and I tried to find Darla and Dru so we could go stake them and you'd come back to us!"

"Cor.."

"I was this close to calling that freak Buffy to see if she could stake them or something!"  Her hands flew up in the air.  "I don't know Angel!  OK?  I've been walking around for weeks, terrified that I'd wake up the next day with my insides hanging out before Angelus tore my heart out.  I've been a zombie, not knowing what the Hell I'm doing."

(tell me)

"I'm sorry---"

"No Angel!  Sorry does not make it OK!  We were family.  And you broke that!"

She was losing breath quickly and felt herself get dizzy, half fainting into darkness.  Angel jumped over his desk and caught her before she hit the ground.  Cordelia flickered her eyes open and Angel helped her lean onto the table for stability.

Cordelia pushed out a hand and forced him away.  "Non-vision so don't get all excited."

"I wasn't," he said lamely.  "I just.. You were going to fall.."

"And you thought you'd pick up that knight in shining armour costume?" Cordelia snapped holding her head trying to regain balance.  "Do me a favour Angel, just.. don't," she said holding out her hand against his chest.  She manoeuvred round his body and threw the sliding door back on it's hinges, walking away.  She grabbed her coat and bag and made for the Hyperions exit.

Angel took a minute then ran after her.

"Cordelia, Cor, come back!"

"Why?  So you can explain the fact you nearly gave your Soul away to a whore like HER?!  No wait, you did give it away.  As far as YOU were concerned.  It was packed up and ready to go back to HELL!" She roared.

(And leave me.. And uh, I mean Wes and Gunn too..)

Angel took a step back from her and released his grip on her shoulders.  Cordelia grunted and flicked a strand of hair out of her eyes.

"What?" She snapped as he gazed at her.

(Angel don't touch me.. God for your own good.. don't touch me.. You'll melt me)

"I just.."

//  God, has she always looked this beautiful? //

"What?"

"Are you.. jealous?" Angel asked repressing an Angelus induced smirk.

"Of her?  Oh please."

(Why with jealously?  Yeah OK so she's got to kiss you and touch you... Hey Cor don't go there.  Just stop.  Stop thinking.  Especially about Angel.  Remember Anger?  Go with that.  ANGER.)

"Why exactly would i be jealous of that freak?  I'm.. angry.  Angry at you.  For leaving us."

"I never left you.. really."

"You did.  Fine you pushed me..us away."

"Because the darkness was.. It was pretty damn near."

"That before or after you locked up those lawyers with your beloved Sire who you then screwed?"

//  Please Cordelia, let it be like it was.  Friends...  //

(That anger thing's not working.. He's got the lost puppy look on his face..  Plan B - Walk away.  Get the hell out of there Chase.. Before he touches you..)

Cordelia stiffened her jaw and turned on her heel to run out of the hotel, before collapsing in tears outside.  Things don't work out as planned when Angel reaches out and grips her hand.  Not her arm or shoulder, her hand.  Their fingers brushing before they intertwine as lovers would walking through a park.  Cordelia let a gasp escape her lips as she felt his cool fingers caressing hers.  She swallowed and closed her eyes.

//  I never meant to hold her hand back.. I never meant to.. Touch her like this.. tender and intimate.. The look on her face .. //

"Cordelia."

"Yes?" She strangled out.

(Goner)

He didn't realize that he was holding her hand still.  He became slightly red and reluctantly removed his hand from her palm.

"Sorry," he said in a low voice.  "I wasn't thinking... I.. Sorry," he added hastily.  Cordelia sucked in her lip and nodded.

"It's OK."

"Cor I'm sorry for what I put you through.  All of you.. i felt it was safer with you at a distance."

//  I didn't want you to see me like that //

"I didn't feel a whole lot safer," Cordelia cleared her throat.  She fixed her bag on her shoulder and folded her arms, staring at the ground.

(Just a whole lot broken for not seeing you at work everyday)

"I can imagine that.."

"Angel you can't.." Cordelia broke off, stealing a look into his chocolate brown eyes.  Two pools of drowning, mesmerizing magic filled with regret, forgiveness seeking, want, need..  "I was *so* scared that I'd never get you back," she broke down in loud rising sobs.  Angel moved quickly to comfort her and put her head on his shoulder.   He rubbed her back and kissed to the top of her head.

"Sssh," he calmed.  "It's OK.  Sssh.  I won't do that again OK?" He asked as he kissed her forehead.  Cordelia looked up and bit her lip.  She nodded slowly.

"OK.  God look at me, like some kind of cry Bu...aby," she tried to laugh.  "Do I look hideous?"

Angel smiled and shook his head as she looked up at him.  "You could never look hideous Cor.  It's some rule or law or something," he grinned.  He kissed the tip of her nose gently.  Cordelia closed her eyes and savoured the touch of his lips.  She opened her eyes slowly to find Angel gazing at her.  His tongue was set behind his teeth as he tried to stop staring at his co-worker. 

"Angel.." Cordelia said softly.  She brushed her fingers over his cheek and round to his lips.  She leaned up in her heels and softly placed her lips on his cooler ones.  Gently sending tingling sensations through his mouth and to his throat.  She pulled back and smudged her own lips against each other to spread some lip gloss and even it out. 

"Cordy," he said swallowing the painful lump in his throat.

"Sorry," she said quietly.

"No.. That was nice.  It feels nice to feel something besides the cold.." He murmured, leaning his mouth to hers and returning the kiss.  Cordelia cupped Angel's cheek and he held her head closer to his as the kiss got more intense.

"It feels nice to feel with you," he whispered pointedly.  "My best friend.."  He resumed kissing her, letting his tongue slip inside her unfamiliar mouth and plunder the undiscovered places.

Cordelia let the sensation and buzz of kissing him consume her.  Angel slipped his hand down and found hers again.  He intertwined their fingers as he had done a few minutes before.  Cordelia brought their hands up between their bodies.  She moved down and kissed his fingers.  She let her tongue gently run over the tip of his thumb and middle finger.  Angel smiled and kissed her ear.

Cordelia found his mouth again and kissed him fully passionately.  He gasped and hungrily held her body closer to him.

Then the voice that pulled their moment and entire world from under them.

"We seem to have found that demon, Angel," Wesley announced as he and Gunn entered the hotel.  Cordelia and Angel seemed to jump apart as if electrified.  Cordelia, losing grace from her still spinning head, went crashing into the coffee table.  Angel rushed forward to help her up and onto the couch.

"Good God Cordelia, are you all right?" Wesley asked alarmed.

"F-fine," she lied through her gritted teeth.  Angel stood back as Gunn and Wesley came to her side.

"Vision?"

"No.. Nausea from vision," she nodded, lying again.  Angel raised his eyebrow at Cordelia from the back.  She shot him a dead look back.

Wesley noticed this.  "H-have you two had a tete a tete?"

(Tete's French for head isn't it?  Well I suppose we have Wes...)

"Fight.  Issues in the open," Cordelia shrugged.  "We're getting past the fact he went all.."

"Solo like Gladys Knight when she left the Pips for dust?  Gladys ain't nothing without the Pips," Gunn said matter-of-factly.

"Something like that," Angel pursed his lips.  He put his hands in his pockets and walked back to his office.  Cordelia closed her eyes and regretted everything she could humanly regret. 

(Well except that kiss.. That I wouldn't trade for all the little blue boxes in the world...)

Next Day
 

Cordelia went into Angel's office and closed the door off from Wesley and Gunn working.

"Angel," she said nervously as she approached the desk where he had his feet resting and his book propped up on his chest, held steady by his right hand.

"Cordelia," he nodded, his mouth curving into a faint smile.  "How are you?"

"Angel, please don't gimme that crap.  We.. Well we.."

"Kissed."

"And it was amazing!" She blurted out involuntarily.  Angel smirked and covered his mouth to fake a cough.  "As some kisses go," she lamely tried to recover.

"Point is.."

"There's a point?  Well there's a question.  What was it to you?"

"A lot," Angel nodded again taking his feet down.  "Too much."

"Too much in a good way?"

He smiled and stood up.  He leaned over the desk and brushed her cheek with his fingertips.  "You.."

"I know.  We should call it all off huh?  There's reasons.  Best friends, co workers," she rhymed off.  Angel took it all in and walked round the table standing in front of her.  "Not to mention.. Vampire.  Light.  Angelus.. grr.. evil.. leather.. grr.." She trailed off as she found herself kissing him again.  She arched up against him, trying to get more of him.  Angel pulled her up closer and lifted her onto his desk in a sitting position, gaining height.  Cordelia scattered papers away as Angel held her head in both of his hands. She cupped his chin and they kissed longingly and Cordelia ran her fingers furiously through his dark soft hair.  Angel tickled her lips with his tongue as he pulled back and grinned, teasing out her own smile.  They smashed their lips together again and Cordelia slipped her hands under his thin sweater feeling his smooth chest and two hundred and forty seven year old muscles.  She whimpered and pulled away.  She pushed the heel of her hand against his chest.

"Angel no.. I'm sorry," she said breathlessly.  "I love you too much.. I mean care, care," she corrected.  "About you too much to y'know, Angelus."

Angel nodded and reached up to wipe away a stray tear from her eye.  Cordelia touched his hand, gently nudging it back and brushed it away herself.

"You're right.  This should probably end now," he said closing his eyes.  "I should of never.. Cor.."

"Hey you didn't," Cordelia reminded him.  "I kissed you first."  Angel nodded, smiling sadly.

//  How can this be over before it's started? //

"Oh before I forget," Cordelia said slipping off the desk and moving to the chair nearest the door that she had placed a package on.  She picked it up and sighed.  "Here."

"What is it?"

"A gift."

"You didn't.."

"I know.  But I did."

Angel removed the string on the box and gently eased the lid off.  "Cor..."

"I went to a lot of the antique book stores in LA.  All the expert-y people said this was the thing.  It's a leather bound first edition.  Not a lot of them around so you better take better care of this one," she joked.  "Utopia."

"Cordelia this is hand written in 1516," Angel exclaimed.  "This is more than rare it's... Incredible and.. I can't believe this... It must have cost you a fortune."

She sucked in her lip.  "I put a note inside the front cover, rather than write in it.  Being so old and all it'd probably break.  So.. Note."

Angel took the cream coloured paper between finger and thumb.  For Angel, love forever, your best friend, Cordelia.

"I can't believe you...  No one has ever did anything like this.."

"First for everything in 250 years," Cordelia smiled.  "Question.  Why do you like the book so much?"

"My mother used to read it to me as a boy. And I read it to Catherine, my sister, as a baby.  Father said she couldn't understand the words, but I knew she could.  And as she grew, I read it to her all the time.  She used to love the way the words flowed perfectly off your tongue."

"That's beautiful," Cordelia murmured.  "So i should go.  Find some disgusting demon or whatever."

She went to the door.

"What does Utopia mean anyway?"

"It literally means 'No Place'.  But it's the name of a paradise, a perfect place."

"So it's basically saying that this beautiful place is 'no place' on earth?  It can never exist?"

Angel rolled his head to the side and thought about it.  "Yeah.. i guess."

"I don't believe that," Cordelia shrugged.  "Everyone has a personal paradise Utopic place type thing.  Isn't it depressing?"

"Not really.  It gives me.. hope."

"For something better.  Hope."

"I am sorry C--"

"Don't be," she told him painfully.  "Last months Cosmo had an article on how bad an idea it is to date your boss."

Angel chuckled and bowed his head.  "Did it mention that the boss is a Souled Vampire who can't offer the employee anything she wants or deserves?"

"No but it does say he's cute, great kisser, thoughtful and sweet.  Sorta paradise in a person," Cordelia smiled. 

Angel folded his arms and grinned.  "Are you flirting with me Miss Chase?"

Cordelia blushed hideous and gestured to the door.  "I'm gonna go.. back to the salt mines."

"Cordelia?"

"Yes?" She said immediately.

"Thank you.. So much.. For the book," Angel said sincerly.

"You're welcome," she said putting on a brave face and walking proudly out.  Angel knew she was howling on the inside like he was.

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