I can't explain why I did what I did.  Or the events leading up to it, but I know it was right in the end.

I was there.  In Dawsons bedroom, Him off somewhere on a some boat and I asked Dawson to stay.  I asked the wrong guy to stay.  Before I could think or feel anything, he kissed me.  Everything moved in slow motion but all thoughts were null and void.  Nothing made sense.  I just remember kissing him and thinking this is what it used to be. Every memory washed over me like a tidal wave, coming crashing down.

Then as he held me and I kissed him more deeply, I realised, this isn't what it used to be like.  We weren't kissing with anything like the requisite passion for sex.  Or love for that matter.  He murmured my name softly and I wanted to cry.  Because I knew.  It came to me like truth, I guess.  I don't love Dawson anymore.  Not in a boyfriend way, not in a Soulmate way, not even in an ex-boyfriend way, just as my closest friend and confidante.  And I knew.  Who I loved in all those other ways.  I wanted to cry because Dawson didn't say my name like He said my name.  I didn't want to be with Dawson that moment.  I wanted Him to come back and hold me like He used to.  I want Him to lead me to His bed and curl himself around me, and read me a story.

Dawson would never do that.  I'd never want Dawson to read to me because He reads to me.  This past 12 months I've fell in love with someone who's so passionate and caring and beautiful.  I could never love anyone more than I love Him.

And when it ended i wanted to try and do anything to stop my world from ending to.  I wanted to be more than Pacey Witter.  But when Dawson kissed me, I knew I couldn't be.

These quote-unquote "Soulmate" tags Dawson and I used to refer to each other in, they're done.  They've had their time.  A Soulmate is someone you can't bear to be without.  I managed 3 months on a boat without Dawson.  I managed the summer before that without Dawson.  I once told Dawson that apart from him, I didn't have anything else.  He was what I love and what inspired me and that's all I had.

Had.

Pacey gave me so much more than Him.  And I can't live without Him.  I've tried for a couple of weeks and I'm decimating inside.  If there is such a corny thing as a Soulmate, Pacey's it.  He's the One.

Josephine Potter was sleeping until He came along and woke me up; Made me feel alive.

Then Dawson took my hands and led me to his bed.  We both sat down and he touched my face and kissed me again.  Softly and gently.  Easing closer to me.

I pushed my hand against his chest and whispered to him.  "No.."

"Jo," Dawson murmured again.

"No," I said louder.  "No Dawson, stop," I forced myself away from him.  I stood up and went to the window.  I turned round to see his head in his hands.  "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry Joey," Dawson sighed, pushing his hair back.  "You weren't there.  When I was kissing you.  You weren't with me.  You still love him," he tells me straight.

Is it that obvious?

"I can't help the way I feel," I shake my head resouloutely.  I can't.  Loving Pacey Witter is not something you choose to do, it isn't some option on a multiple answer quiz and it isn't by default.  It's something that happens.  Something you fall so completely in love with everything about him.  You love his jokes, his jabs, the way he brushes my hair back, the way his voice lowers when he's hurt or sincere, the way he tries to put everyone before him.  And the way that he's human.  The way he has faults.  The way he yelps when he's wounded and wants comfort like a child.  And the way I love him more for it.

"You don't love me anymore Joey.  I thought maybe.. You remembered what it felt like.. Clung onto me in a little piece of your heart.  Tell me the truth Jo," he pleads, looking at me straight in the eyes.

"I can't love you with a piece of my heart if all of it is tied up in-in--"

"In Pacey," Dawson nods.  He lies back on his bed.  Slowly, I walk over and sit down.

"What about Gretchen?" I ask.

"I still love you Joey," Dawsons tells me, turning his head.  "And Gretchen.. God I, I love her.  But never the way I love you.  I hope to God she didn't sense that."

"I think she did Dawson.  I'm sorry I don't love you like I used to or like you want me to.."

"So why don't you find him?" Dawson says to the ceiling as he tucks his hands under his head.  "If you love him like you say you do."

I have to thank Dawson for that.  He's letting me go; again.  "I don't know why I haven't.." I admit.  Dawson sits up and I lean forward, kissing his cheek.

"Goodbye Dawson."

He looks at me, the pain evident on his face before he shuts his eyes.  He opens them again.  "Goodbye Joey."

So that brings me to what happened after.  After I climbed the ladder down from Dawsons window for probably the last time and as soon as I hit the ground, I start running.  Here I am again trying to stop Pacey from sailing away from me.   Except this time I've got to take a plane.  This is gonna much harder than I orginally anticipated.

I ran to the B&B first, to tell Bessie what I'm doing and get some cash.  I threw open the side door and shuddered to a halt.

"Pacey," I sounded out.  At the time I remember thinking if he was really there.  If he was really sitting with Mr Collins who was booked in for a week talking about cars.  He turned to me and smiled genuinely.  It was a smile Pacey had been missing for the past few months.  He seemed to have found that part of him that had been misplaced and that he'd been looking for.  Which is why he went with Dougie on a fishing trip and why he closed himself off to me.

He seemed happier than he had for ages.  First thing I said?  Typical.  "What are you doing here?"

"Can we talk outside Jo?" He asks, never stopping smiling.

"I-I guess," I said, confused.  He turns to Mr Collins and stands up.

"I'll catch you later Bill."

"Love to Mr Witter," he chuckles, muttering 'young love' or something.

Pacey slide his hand in mine and it felt like he'd never left.  He led me outside and closed the door behind him.  Our hands disconnected and we stopped, turning to each other.

"So?" I asked, half hopeful.

"Walk with me Potter," he requested.  I shrugged and we walked.  I stuck my hands in my pockets and we walked in silence forever.  Well it was really on two minutes but it felt like that.  A comfortable silence.  Subtext to subtext.

What wasn't so comfortable was why he was here.

"Pace--"

"Jo, I came back.  We were all ready to set sail and I couldn't go.  We never really said goodbye."

Catatonic. I can't believe he came back all this way to say goodbye.  Drag it all out again.  Hurt me more.

"You came back to say goodbye?!  Goodbye?" I raged.  "Is that it?  Is that all you have to offer?  A sorry and a goodbye?  You know what, screw you Pacey!  You should have just got on your goddamn boat and sailed off into the sunset without ever thinking of coming back!  I can't believe I was about to fly over to get you and try to change your mind!  I am so stupid!"

He grins again.  I couldn't believe how much I wanted to hit him for smiling at this.  "You were coming for me?" He asks.

"I-I mean.. I-I uh.. I hate you," I mutter, forcing myself to keep a straight face but failing.

"What I was going to say Miss Potter, before you so rudely interrupted me," he dances in front of me while we walk.  "Is that I didn't want to say goodbye.  And I didn't want to go sailing without you.  I could never go sailing without you," he grins.

"Pace.." I start, probably going to get gushy and start crying.  Now I've also got the grin fixed on my face like an idiot.

"Stop right there," he orders, taking hold of my shoulders.  It feels like he never stopped touching me.  It sends sparks through my body, making me shiver and my hairs on my arms stand to attention.  "What do you see?"

"What do I see where Pace?"

"The sea," he directs me, coming behind me and turning me round by slipping his arms round my waist.  It feels like he never stopped holding me.

"I see boats and.. water Pacey.  What has this got to do with anything?" I turn to him.

"The closest boat Jo," he sighs pointing to my private dock.

"OK so I see a boat."

"Not just any boat Jo.  Jack's boat."

"What's it doing there?"

He turns me round again and laugsh.  "I thought you were going to Worthington.  Ivy league school and all.."

"I-I.."

"I persuaded Jack to lend me his boat for the summer.  I, in fact, begged for it.  And he did all in the name of True Love.  So I give to you - for the summer, True Love the second."

"What are you saying Pace?"

"I want you to come with me.  Sailing.  For the summer."

"What about the deckhand job?"

"Wasn't really for me.  So?  Will you come?" He asks, his eyes shining.  "You can even pack first so you won't smell due to lack of change of clothes."

I smirk and hit his arm.

"Well?"

"Pace, I can't come."

"What?" His face falls.

"I can't come sailing.  It's just the summer.  And we're going to have to dread the day when we have to come back and I have to go to Worthington and Pacey, I can't do that.  I can't let you go again."

He smiles and heavily sighs.  "You don't have to Jo.  What did I tell you that time when you were, and I insert 'shock' here, drunk?"

"I don't remember much of that night but.. Strip Poker."

Pacey leaned forward and brushing my hair back so he could place his lips at my ear.  It felt like he'd been doing that forever. "I told you that I planned to be wherever you are," he whispered huskily.  "I still plan to be wherever you are."

"You do?!" I shriek, ecstatic beyond belief.

"I'm sorry Jo.  I'm sorry for the past couple of months but the last thing I ever wanted was to be without you.  I didn't get college but that wasn't the most important thing to me.  You were always the most important thing."

Then he kissed me and it felt so right and so good than anything has for months.  It felt like he'd never stopped kissing me.  I felt hot all over as he drew me closer.  And I remembered,  This is It.  This is what I'm supposed to feel like.

"We're going," he kissed me lightly again.  "We're going to go sailing.  Then when we come back.  They'll be college.  And I'll be there," he promises, punctuating every sentence with a kiss.  "Is that alright with you Jo?"

"That's alright with me Pace," I smile before kissing him again.
 
 

And that's brings me to now.  We're on Jack's boat, re-christened True Love the second and sailing off into the sunset again.  I snuggle closer in Pacey's arms and you know what?  Despite all the crap and everything that's went down in this, my senior year, it feels like I never left this boat.  I never left Pacey.

And that's the way it should be.

THE END