Seeing as the theme for the past few entries has been reflection. I would like to reflect upon just one more thing.
One of the goals i set out for myself before coming on this year was to really look at myself. Look at everything that i am and at everything i want to be. This includes what i want to do for the rest of my life. It was something i was not really 100% sure about before i left, and to tell you the truth im still not sure about it, and i dont think i will be after the year either. Thats not meant in a pessimistic way, its just really hard for me to choose what i want to study and then pursue.
One thing that has always been the biggest part of my life is music. I call it 'my music', because its the music that fills my life and its as much a part of me as my personality, traits or my opinions. We once did an excersise on a school retreat ranking the various things that you value in your life (money, wisdom, family, happiness, fulfillment, etc). There were 20 things and one was music. I put my family first and then integrity and then music. Every single other person had it no higher than 14th or 15th and most people were down around 18th or 19th. The reason that i put it so high is that without my family, friends and music, i would have nothing to live for. It is so much a part of me and my life that, besides everything else, i dont know how i would fill my time without it. I spend more time listening to and playing music than anyone i know and have ever met. I suppose it is like someone who is a Gym-Junkie. They spend all their time at the gym because they like the challenge, the effort and the results they get, exactly like my brother. He is so dedicated to triathlon, it would be hard to imagine him not doing it, and such is the case with my music. Whenever i feel stressed, bored, worried, excited, upset, unsure, or any other feeling for that matter, i will hum a tune, or pick up the guitar or bring out the violin, and just enjoy it. It seems to calm any emotion and level my mood. But it also, in the words of Wordsworth, and wont Roger be proud, finds 'the freshness deep down in (me)'. It gives me the energy to do things, and whenever i need to really think something over, i do it with a guitar in my hand, or at least with a cd on. Wasnt that impressive, Wordsworth more than 4 months after the HSC, it did teach me something! But i had the best example of that the other day in my deutsch course, when we were sitting around, i was so tired and really felt like anything except learning German. And then all of a sudden we were told to write music critics on various pieces they played us. Listening to the Beuna Vista Social Club, and Van Morrison and Dire Straights completely reversed my mood, and i was really happy to do the excercise, in fact, i was really excited. It is that power that music has over me that i love.
But the question is what do i do with it. I have always answered that question in the same way, and will do so again now. I love music, and nothing would do me more pleasure than to wake up everymorning and play or sing, but when it becomes a burden, i no longer enjoy it. Not to say i dont like hard work, but when i find myself struggling, as i have seen, to make a living, music will no longer be my love, and i could not let that happen. That said, it will never leave my life.
Paz