"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."

"A man doesn't know what hapiness is until he's married. By then it's too late."
- Frank Sinatra

"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it."

"All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others."
- Henry Youngman

"I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
- Woody Allen

"Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers."

"Somewhere on this earth, every ten seconds, a woman gives birth to a child. We must find that woman and stop her."

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family in another city."

"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."

"An encyclopedia is a system for collecting dust in alphabetical order."

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
- Ellen DeGeners.

"To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'. "
- Rita Rudner

"Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison."
- Tim Allen

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day just exactly fits in the newspaper."
- Jerry Seinfield

"My husband and I have decided to start a family while my parents are still young enough to look after them."

"In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out."
- Joey Adams

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. "
- Oscar Wilde

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
- Lily Tomlin

"Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control."
- Diana Jordan

"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."
- Will Rogers

"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man".
- Lana Turner

"Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. "
- Lewis Grizzard

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
- Sue Murphy.

" My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden"
- Eric Morecambe

" A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often."
- Oliver Herford

"I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash."
- Anonymous

" Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy."
- Spike Milligan

" If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
- George Gobol

" If it weren't for the killings, Washington would have one of the lowest crime rates in the country"
- Mayor Marion Barry

" Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
- Napoleon Bonaparte

"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants"
- A. Whitney Brown

"If you cannot read this, please ask the flight attendant for assistance "
- United Airlines Flight Safety Brochure

" The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
- Rita Mae Brown.

"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. "
- Les Dawson

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "
- Charlie Brown

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
- Dick Cavett.

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. "
- Jerry Seinfeld

"There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."

"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering"

"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent"

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. "
- Dave Barry

"Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose. "
- Robin Williams

"Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out."
- Matthew Broderick

"I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. "
- David Bissonette

"Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. "

" I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
- Paul Merton

"Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?"