Death Row in Women's Prison

Three women are about to be executed.
One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the
executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!''

Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!''



Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!''

Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!''



Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out.
The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!''

and she yells, ''FIRE!!!'''

 
 

The Nude Gambler
 

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000.00 on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!!!

Nelson Mandela was having a quiet pre-lunch drink on his verandah when a truck pulls up and out jumps a Hong Kong Chinese guy ... 6000 ladiator hoses sign here please.... I didn't order this stuff protested Mandela, bugger off.
Next day the same Chinese guy turns up with 4500 sets of blake pads.....Nelson is very fed up and tells the guy to f**k off. The poor Chinese guy looks very put out and puzzled and asks......................

You not Nissan Maindealer?

Why They Teach Math in School (Written By A Very Wise Man)

 I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut  right in front of a pickup truck. The guy had to drive on to the
shoulder to avoid hitting the woman.  This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out  his window and "flipped" the woman off.  "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

 I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!
 
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
 
 According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females  have  seriously considered suicide or homicide.  That's 98.
 
 And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
 
 According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry  weapons, and this number is increasing.
 
 That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female  that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem,
has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? ... I think not!