Parmy(typed by Megan)
Cheez(typed by Amanda)
The Producer(typed by whoever happens to be typing at the time)
Good afternoon, Canada! I am Parmy and this is my colleague, Cheez. We are the world�s greatest food critics.
And now� the long awaited sequel to �The Many Uses of Parmesan Cheese�: �A Tale of Two Toppings.� The two toppings are chocolate milk and bacon bits.
Um, Cheez, chocolate milk isn�t a topping.
Yes it is, I mean, have you ever heard of lima beans without a chocolate milk coating!?
Have you ever heard of lima beans with a chocolate milk coating!?
Of course I have!!! Well obviously you haven�t, what about chocolate cake and bacon bits?
You mean� TOGETHER!?
Of course I mean together!!! Have you ever eaten them apart?
Come to think of it, I don�t think so� But I could be wrong. (For all of our readers who remember when Parmy ate multicoloured eggs, we�ll give some recent information. Parmy, though very well taken care of by her colleague Cheez, did not make a full recovery and is, at this very moment, writing from her hospital bed.) You never know what they put in that hospital food�
I DO!!! Unless of course that nurse that didn�t really look like a nurse was lying to me�.
What did she tell you? (Another note: Parmy isn�t exactly at top mental capacity. She obviously doesn�t remember what happened before or after she was committed, er, brought to the hospital.)
Actually, it wasn�t a she, it was a he. Anyways, HE said that it all depends on the shape of the food. All food that is shaped like a circle has some orange stuff (yams, carrots, different types of earwax), and some square stuff�.
But I was fed triangle stuff. I think�
OH NO!!!!! NOT THE TRIANGLE STUFF!!!!!! The nurse guy said that the triangle stuff is the most mysterious of all hospital food. Not even the cooks know what is in it, and they would rather not know what is in it either�
Did the nurse have any guesses? You know, cyanide, hydrochloric acid, or the very worst� SPINACH!!!!!!!!!?????????
He didn�t even want to guess, though he said that there was most likely�.no, I can�t say it�
WHAT!!!!!!???????
I can�t say it because�that�s when I woke up!!!!
YOU WERE SLEEPING!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????? YOU IDIOT!!!! MORON!!!!!!!!!! AICHEEBIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (*= An international word to express distaste, frustration, and just about everything else.)
Of course I was, didn�t you know that everything I tell you is based on a dream of some sort?
You�re not a psychiatrist! Or a horror writer! You don�t need to use dreams to scare people!
That scared you??? Does that mean you are actually eating that hospital food!? OH NO!!!!!
When I get through with you you�ll have to eat hospital food through a tube!!!! (Gets out of hospital bed and attempts to chase Cheez.)
Hahaha!!! You couldn�t catch me if I was standing still!!!! Wait a minute, I AM standing still!!!!
Darn it, you�re right! Stupid IV. (grumble, grumble)
(Goes up to Parmy so that she could get her only if her arms were a little bit longer) Hahahaha!!! You can�t get me!
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEN I GET OUT OF THIS HOSPITAL YOU ARE DEAD!!! DEAD, YOU HEAR ME, DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Goes to the nearest doctor and whispers something in his ear) Well Parmy, toodle-oo, I�ll be going home to eat some chocolate cake with bacon bits, bye!
I�LL KILL YOU, YOU HEAR ME!!!!! KILL!!! (Rants mindlessly, and noisily, not noticing that the doctor seems to be walking toward her with a needle. He jabs it into her with a mighty heave. Just as Parmy loses consciousness she recognizes the snake tattoo in the middle of his forehead. She whispers one last thing: �Hey, aren�t you that con cook�?� And then she falls to the ground.
(Cheez walks back into the room) Well everybody, I suppose that I�m going to have to end this segment. I�m pretty sure that Parmy isn�t. Just remember, chocolate milk and bacon bits go on anything you want them to. Be sure to tune in for our next food review, Experimenting with Tabasco Sauce and Cauliflower, or, if you prefer, It�s Alive!
For all you readers who were disappointed at the lack of actual food reviewing, I offer my sincere apologies. If it helps, try not to think of this as A Tale of Two Toppings, rather think of it as A Tale of Two People Complaining About Hospital Food Until One Leaves and the Other is Stabbed With a Needle by a Weird Man With a Snake Tattoo.
