Parmy (typed by Megan)
Cheez (typed by Amanda)
Together
The Cauliflower (typed by whoever happens to have a good idea at the time or feels especially diabolical)
The Producer (typed by whoever wants to narrate or apologize)
A head of cauliflower sits on a table in the middle of a darkened room. Electrodes are stuck to what seems to be random places on the white blob. Suddenly a flash of lightning illuminates the room, revealing levers, papers, and barrels of parmesan cheese. This is truly the lair of a madman�
Good evening, Canada! I am Parmynstein and this is my, erm� lovely assistant, Cheezgor. Yes, it�s been a few weeks since you last saw us during a most, ahem, regrettable and prolonged stay at the local hospital, and we are now back and ready to work. Today we are going to be reanimating, I mean experimenting with cauliflower and tabasco sauce. Flip the switch, Cheezgor!
Which one master!?
The one with the picture of a table rising into the air. Now be quiet, you�re ruining the moment.
(Looks at the wall full of pictures of tables and switches and chooses one) Yes good master, I flipped the switch.
It�s happening! Good job, Cheezgor. Now witness as inanimate flesh is suddenly, um, less inanimate!!!
The table rises toward a cauliflower-shaped hole in the ceiling.
Flip the next switch, Cheezgor!
(Walks towards the wall with hundreds of switches and stares at it as if choosing the right switch) Umm�.that switch looks good master�I�ll flip that one!
Perfect.
The cauliflower-laden table is suddenly struck by a bolt of lightning.
Bring it down, Cheezgor.
(Jumps up and down trying to grab the table which is 12 feet high in the air and suddenly falls on a switch which lowers the table) Hey look at that master, it is dripping in�tabasco sauce?
*Producer�s note: Younger audiences should probably leave the room as it�s going to get gruesome.
Come, Cheezgor.
Did it work master?
I don�t know. Let�s see.
Suddenly the cauliflower backflips, landing on Cheezgor�s back.
Fwacha!
Master!!! It�s on me!!! GET IT OFF!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Oh, be quiet, Cheezgor. What really matters is that� IT�S ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!! BWA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!
SAVE ME GOOD MASTER!!!!! SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AH!!!!! IT�S GOT�TEETH!!!!
Do stop complaining. (Grabs cauliflower off Cheezgor just as it closes its teeth on Parmynstein�s hand) AAAAAAAH!!!
AHH!!!! IT�S BLOOD GOT IN MY MOUTH!!!! IT STINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It�s not blood! It�s tabasco sauce! You�re right. It stings!
(In an unexpectedly low voice) Not so mighty now, are you?
Did the cauliflower just talk?
Of course I did, you morons!
Now see here. I�m the only one allowed to call Cheezgor a moron.
Quiet, puny humans!
Don�t tell master to be quiet. She is all-powerful. Can turn me into cheese. Maybe turn me into gouda, or feta, gorgonzolla, mozzarella� lots of a�s. Or cheddar, Monteray Jack, processed, Cheez Whiz-
This is not the time, Cheezgor. I think it would be best if we just kept our mouths shut.
For many years we cauliflowers kept to ourselves, letting people mutate or eat us whenever they pleased. But now the time has come for a new era. From now on, cauliflowers shall be the lords of the earth, with humans as our servants. We shall rise out of the darkness and bring a new freedom to vegetables everywhere!
Because the cauliflower has no eyes, it doesn�t realize that Parmynstein and Cheezgor are about to throw a laundry hamper over its head� um, body� thing. Well, anyway, back to the story.
Now! (They do what was just explained)
Gotcha!
You shall pay for this, foolish humans!!!!!
Not today.
What about tomorrow?
I don�t think so, maybe next year, but now tomorrow. Unless of course the ratings soar with this episode, then we�ll bring you back every week!
Let�s celebrate our saving the world with a nice cold Root Beer.
While Parmynstein and Cheezgor celebrate, the cauliflower throws the basket off its head and slowly slunks towards them.
Hey, you notice that no one got hurt this time?
The cauliflower grabs Cheezgor with its non-existant hands and throws her onto the table from whence it came. The table flies up of its own accord and a lightning bolt strikes her in the heart. Things are looking dark for humanity until�
Aicheebieeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!! (In this case Aicheebie means I will kill you for elerctrocuting Cheezgor. A lot smarter to say Aicheebie, don�t you think?)
Parmynstein then chops up the cauliflower in classic chef style with a butcher knife she happened to find on the counter.
Die, cauliflower!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (going over to Cheezgor, who has now been brought down by paramedics, who have already arrived though none were called) Are you okay?
Cheez just slightly melted. (weakly lifts hand and makes thumbs up sign)
I noticed something when I was hacking apart the cauliflower. It seemed to have a snake tattoo on it. I think I�ve seen it somewhere before� Anyway, I�ll go get you a good hospital bed. (Parmynstein leaves)
(Cheezgor sits up as if nothing is wrong and grins) Just thought I�d finish this one up. Don�t worry, everything should be okay. And tune in for the next episode of Parmy and Cheez: To Popcorn and Back Again.
Another apology from the producer: Please excuse the lack of anything to do with real food in this episode. And a message to all you viewers: no cauliflower was mutated in the making of this segment.